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Young Writers Society



We are the Flame [3]

by JC


We entered a large bedroom, completely overdone in gold. On

the walls were what looked like Egyptian symbols, painted in black. There

was a large, round gold bed on the far side of the room, two half-naked

women were curled up together on it.

“Osarious,” Colette called out, walking boldly into the

room. “We brought the Flame.”

“It’s Serena,” I snarled, appearing at her back. She never

flinched, never acknowledged my presence.

“You call yourself Serena,” a voice at my back said. It was a

practiced voice, one that flowed smoothly with power. It was like having

melted chocolate poured over you. I mimicked Colette, staring straight

ahead as she walked further into the room with the rest of the group.

The vampire walked around me, until we were face to face. His

honey-gold eyes pierced into mine, I felt his power caress mine. I finally

met his eyes, and something like satisfaction flowed through that power.

“But to the rest of us,” he turned and walked away from me,

stopping at the golden bed , “You are nothing but a Flame.”

“I keep hearing this word, flame, yet no one has told me of it’s

importance.” I walked to them. Colette was seated on the bed with the two

women who were now awake. “So until I know, I am Serena.”

A man walked out of the bathroom, blood trickled from two bite

marks on his neck. The sight of the blood awoke something in me. A

hunger, a wanting. A need.

Without realizing it I took a step toward the man. He turned to

face me, something like fear was in his eyes.

“Is this the Flame?”

Fury over took me as I lunged at the man. With a growl he

jumped to the side. His eyes were now amber, wolf-like.

“Serena. Stop.” Osarious sounded calm. Calm would not quiet

me now.

I lunged again at the were-wolf, this time landing on him. I felt

his nails grow and harden as his hands began to change. Fur grew from his

skin as it shouldn’t have.

Blood lust took over every pore of me, until it was all I thought

of, my every motion was driven by two crimson lines on his neck. I struck,

fangs embedding in his neck as he fought to get away. My jaw locked as I

greedily sucked up his blood, warmth flowing through me for the first time

in forever. I felt like I was becoming alive again.

I drank faster, more furiously, tearing at flesh to make the

blood come. Hands grabbed at me from behind, another person plied my

mouth open and a wrist appeared. I sunk my fangs into it immediately,

pulling the blood from arteries as fast as I could swallow it. The wolf-man

was pulled from under me.

I felt a needle jam into my shoulder and tiredness overcame

me. My eyes fell shut and my breathing slowed, even as I fell asleep I

never stopped drinking the blood.

The sounds of a turning page woke me up. Colette was sitting

in a chair next to my bed reading. At least I had a bed.

I sat up slowly, letting the dizziness pass as blood rushed down.

Blood, I had blood for the first time in what had seemed forever. The

thought made my mouth water.

“You’re awake,” Colette said without looking up from her book.

“Yes.” I tried to look past her hands to read the title, but she

shut the book and dropped it on the floor.

“I don’t want you to think I’m here for you,” she said

coldly, “I’m here because Osarious wants me to make sure you don’t kill

one of the nurses. Personally I voted to kill you. But no, you’re to

interesting.” Colette stood up and pulled her chair back to it’s place on the

wall. They were in a room very similar to a hospital room, only it was

smaller, darker, and held none of the antiseptic smell. “You’re a flame.”

The word was said as if it were dirty, something that should be wiped off

your hands after gardening, or washed off after a murder.

“Don’t call me that.” My voice had a growling edge to it, and my

eyes were back to their vibrant purple.

Colette stared at them for a moment, “They say you’re

different, that you have control. They’re wrong.” Colette jumped up onto my

bed so quickly it was almost like she teleported. I knew it was just a trick.

She was sitting with her knees to either side of me, erotically, but none of

her body language suggested sex, it suggested anger. “I can see it in your

eyes.”

Her head lowered to mine, our eyes only centimeters away. A

blink would brush our eyelashes together.

“I can taste your power,” Colette said. The anger was gone, her

voice held an edge of seduction. “I can feel it, you’re strong.”

She leaned in, as if she meant to kiss me. I didn’t move my

head, I wasn’t a lover of women, but I didn’t want to offend her someway.

Victor never went over this with me.

“Very strong,” Her lips were a hard thought away from mine. Still

I didn’t move, she was dominating me, she had herself in a position to

either take me, or kill me. Despite my sexuality, I was hoping for the first.

“I could taste you right now, see what you really are. I could

caress your soul,” Colette’s eyes were half closed, her lips even closer. “I

could take all of you.”

She licked her lips, the edge of her tongue darted across my

lower lip.

“You taste like blood,” her voice was all whispers and dark

secrets.

“But you don’t want me do you? I can feel your heart beating in

protest, the way you hold yourself, you don’t want me.” Her breath was hot

against my lips, seductive and full. She was beautiful, more-so than I had

ever seen. But she was right, I didn’t want her.

She brushed her lips against mine once, and pulled back. Her

sky blue eyes probing, testing my reaction. I knew my face was blank

though, there was nothing to see there.

The door opened, and I saw the edge of Cyric’s dark black hair.

I knew Osarious was coming in behind him, I felt the power.

“Colette, what did I tell you about antagonizing the flame?”

I felt the anger rise in me again, I felt like screaming, but help

back. Only allowing a tiny bit of anger to wash into my dialogue.

“Somebody tell me what the fuck a flame is. Now.”


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User avatar
514 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 514

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Mon Jul 23, 2007 6:35 pm
JC says...



Honestly...I have no idea what the plot is. Normally I just start writing, and then find a plot...so...Yeah...I'm just writing this for the title...I have a better (planned out as in I know the plot) vampire story lined up for NaNoWriMo. That one should be good...but this...it's just kind of something I'm writing to amuse myself. (Not saying that I'm amusing myself with all the sexual stuff, but at the moment of writing, there was signifigance to the kiss...though Colette is not lesbian, or bi...she just is. If that makes sense.)

Honestly, I can't see myself going anywhere with this...which is why I was going to stop posting it. I figure, if the next few chapters don't get better, then I wont bother with it and just stick to POD.

Thanks for the crit though. =D

-JC




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2058 Reviews


Points: 32885
Reviews: 2058

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Mon Jul 23, 2007 2:09 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



Blood lust took over every pore of me, until it was all I thought
of, my every motion was driven by two crimson lines on his neck.
make the comma a semicolon.

But no, you’re too
interesting.”


They were in a room very similar to a hospital room, only it was
smaller, darker, and held none of the antiseptic smell.
Change "they" to "we". You flipped from first person to third; don't.

My voice had a growling edge to it, and my
eyes were back to their vibrant purple.
how does she know what color her eyes are? She doesn't have a mirror, as far as we know. And for that matter, you talk about eye color like it has some importance, but we haven't been told of anything like that.

I felt the anger rise in me again, I felt like screaming, but help
back.
"Help back" held back?

*flails* You make me think of Karen Chance, I swear. But not in good ways, just in subtle. In fact, I suggest you read Karen Chance.

I think I just have so many problems with this I can't even explain them all. It just doesn't work... Okay, so she is the flame, right? And she has no idea what that is, and we don't either. In Karen Chane's novel, Cassandra is really an heir to this very powerful psychic power. Only, she doesn't know that. Chance works this really nicely, because Cassie also has to worry about Tony, and a million other things. Chance isn't the best writer, but she does have really interesting characters, and a really creative plot.

Also, when there is sex in her book, there is a damn good reason for it so it doesn't feel like she just put it in there for the hell of it. Usually, at least. Or it feels like it should be there, not like she got bored and wanted to add some erotic. It fits.

This... I don't care about the main character, I don't care about the flame, I don't know the characters, I assume you're trying to give a feel of mystery or something, and it doesn't work. I really don't know what to suggest. Read more vampire novels? I don't know. I mean, vampire novels are so over done as it is you really have to be amazing to not look like everyone else. This doesn't look like everyone else, but it doesn't stand out to me either. And I can't pick one thing and say "This is a problem," the writing and the story just doesn't work. If this was a novel I was reading, I would put it back--it would bore the heck out of me. And I really hate to be so blunt, but bluntness is needed sometimes.

Seriously, you remind me of Karen Chance. Consider picking up her books. The writing isn't that good, but you might learn something, who knows? Her characters are amazing and she throws you into the middle of the plot without this much...tossing. You're in the plot, but you understand things. Even better, you understand things before Cassie does, because she's so stupid, haha.

I do hate to step on your toes, but this just doesn't cut it for me as vampire story. I don't see why I should read it... *shrug* I hope something I said can help you fix it up.




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1176 Reviews


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Mon Jul 23, 2007 9:27 am
Twit says...



*blinkcoughcoughlooksaway*

Cut the erm... erotic stuff, or I can't crit. Take that out, and this was good carrying on of action and all. Sorry, this wasn't very helpful, but... well, I didn't see any errors, and...

Well, you get the picture.





If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson