Color My World
Chapter 1
He broke up with me the cowardly way; through a yearbook signing. I was excited when I started it, pissed when it was over. Two sentences and a salutation That’s it.
Hey, this isn’t working out. There’s someone else. Love you, Josh.
I asked nobody else to sign my yearbook, I didn’t want them to know. Then came third period French. I saw the group of girls crowded
around Jenny, coddling a yearbook and reading an entry with loving fervor.
I didn’t have to ask. I didn’t have to hear the yelps and squeals
of over-made girls to know. I just did.
“I love you, Josh.” Jenny finished, clutching the book to her
ample chest.
God, I hated that bitch.
It wasn’t exactly unexpected. I knew the two had gotten closer
over the weeks. I never expected him to actually leave me though.
Josh was a senior, I was just a junior. An immature,
inexperienced, junior. Unlike Jenny, with her porn star experience and
humor the same velocity as a snail trailing backwards through snow. Did I
mention she was a cheerleader? Varsity. Oh yeah, and I am the band
geek.
Get the picture? She was perfect. I was not.
Of course, all these judgments were made by a guy who spend
three hours a day playing video games, two hours watching television, and
the rest of the night spending quality time with his hand in front of a
computer. Jackass.
I was pretty much pissed the rest of the day, then I got home.
“Honey, we need to talk,” my mom said. She hadn’t given me
my blink time yet. And yes, I was still pissed.
Damn it.
“Uh…sure,” I said. I followed her into the kitchen, my dad was
sitting at the table looking at some papers. I grabbed a soda out of the
refrigerator and cracked it open. I sat down at the table, sipping the fizz
from the top of the can.
“Cose,” my mom began. Cose was short for Cosette, the result
of my moms Victor Hugo obsession.
“Yeah?” I asked. My mom looked at Dad and they did that
annoying thing where you know they’re somehow communicating.
She’s pregnant. I guessed.
“Your father and I need to tell you something,” she said slowly.
Like I was the child in her stomach.
I tapped my fingers, drumming out the beat to this past years
winter show.
Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.
“I don’t really know how to say this,” she put her hand in my
fathers. I took a large gulp from the can, holding it in my mouth.
“We’re moving!” My mom finally exclaimed.
_______________________________________
Part Two: Coming Soon.
WILL BE POSTED IN THIS THREAD!
______________
Thanks!
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140,133 Literary Works • 673,031 Reviews
The way you described Jenny was great. It shows the hatred for her in a slightly humorous form.
At first I liked the first part better, but by the end of the second, I was in love with it. The way you so greatly showed how the parents looked down on Cosette was clear, so was the way she wanted her opinion heard but wasn't sure how to handle it.
Congrats on describing almost perfectly what so many teenagers feel.
Andrew.
P.S. Josh sounds like a dick. I like that.
This chapter is COMPLETE =D See chapter 2! =D thank you for reading!
-JC
This is very good, the only thing I can think of is that in the end you say "I guess" 3 times, and it just seemed to stick out. This is very good.
Are each of these sections different chapters? If they are, they're a little short, but if they aren't, than they're good.
Can't wait for part 4! Keep up the good work.
Night Mistress- Part three is posted =D
Love part two. can't wait for part three.
umm...yeah, pretty much everyone else said what I was thinking. the fact that you said mouth twice, the need to move the rating to R, and the slightly unbelievable characters. But other than that, its still good! I really liked the soda analogy, and how you mentioned it again with the tears. (I hope that made sense...)
Thanks for PMing me!
~Sam
Wow! her parents should be more concern with her grade in school.
i hope you put up another piece soon.
I hope there's some more origionality to this part. I'm taking it out of the norm now. =D I hope you like it!
-JC
__________________________
I woke up while it was still dark. A glance at my half open blinds provided a
view of the stars and the sliver memory of a moon. Four twenty-seven
glowed red from my plain white alarm clock. I rolled back onto my stomach,
pressing my face into the pillows, willing my eyes to stay shut. Restlessness
took over and I finally got up, only to realize that I had way too much time
on my hands. All of my homework was already done, my room was
spotless, drumset already dusted. I’d never had that much time when Josh
was around. Josh. Bastard.
I picked my iPod up from it’s undignified spot on the floor and
rolled up the headphones. After setting it gently on the bed I collected my
things, took a shower, and even ate a real breakfast. All of that and it was
still barely past six. My parents wouldn’t be awake for another half an hour.
The damp morning air was cold compared to how the rest of the
day would be. Hot and sticky. The stupid promise of summer and good
things to come. Change and revelations, relationships and friends. Ah, how
I hated summer.
I drove myself to the school, nobody was ever there at six
thirty, not even the security guards who opened the gates. I parked and
slipped through the fence.
“Morning ‘Sette,” Nathan, the janitor said. I waved at him. Since
my first day as a friendless freshman, Nathan had always been there. He
taught me how to play hakie-sack, what the importance of x is, and even
how to drum. He was the reason I was on drumline. Never once had he ever
come close to stepping out of the bounds of friendship. He was an all
around good guy.
“Hey Nate,” I said.
“You’re here early,” he observed, picking up a piece of leftover
trash.
“I figured I’d mix it up a bit.”
“Couldn’t sleep?” Nathan guessed.
“Nope,” I said. A nervous giggle escaped my throat.
“Why not?” Nathan sat down in one of the school golf carts that
security guards and janitors got to ride around in. He patted the seat next
to him. I had already sat there so many times, but today, I just wasn’t up
for it. I wasn’t willing to admit that it could be the last time I ever sat on
that cracked, sun-burnt leather.
“Are you okay?” Nathan gazed at me from under his twenty-
eight year old dark brown hair. If he weren’t the school janitor and eleven
years older than me, I would have called him attractive. I never looked at
him like that though, I knew what could happen if either of us set a mere
thought over that precarious line.
I shook my head, “I’m moving.”
“Man,” Nathan said in an almost hippie-like voice, “that blows.”
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“When?”
“Next month.”
Nathan did quick counting on his fingers, “isn’t that finals
week?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“God, seriously. Where are you moving to?”
“Calinta,” I answered.
“Not too bad, I guess,” Nathan said, “it’s better than another
state I guess.”
“I guess,” I agreed.
“Okay, but before you go come find me, I have a present for
you.”
“What is it?” I asked, suppressing a smile.
Nathan smiled hugely, reaching all the way up to his eyes. “Well
you see, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”
*rated R for language* (one mention of F word = R
)
Hey JCobsesed!
I loved your voice in this piece; it was very unique and biting. I usually don't like this genre of fiction, but this was an exception. Your voice made it all worthwhile. It seems that others have line-by-lined this already, so I'm not going to reiterate them, but I will give a few general comments...
Again, your main character was very interesting - developed well. But while she was great, I didn't get much of a feel for her mother and father. Yes, I know we don't know them very well and this is only the beginning of your story, but I would like to urge you to pay attention to her parents. One pitfall I see in a lot of stories in this genre is completel neglect of character development of minor characters or characters the speaker does not like, so watch out for it.
Right now the piece seems a bit cliche - the usual teenage drama with a breakup and moving. I trust that you will shake this first impression as you keep writing and veer away from the cliche and into the original, but I just want to warn you about it.
Most of your dialogue was well done, but there were some parts that were confusing or just didn't sound right. Reading your dialogue aloud should help with this. Your dialogue should produce clarity of its own; don't rely on narrative to pull you through. Some examples...
I don't know your characters as well as you do, obviously, but this seemed unnatural. Cluttered, if you will. Her mom sounds whiny and weak in this dialogue, and I didn't get that impression from her other actions.
Well, her father certainly has a temper! However, he seems awfully long-winded in this and almost too articulate. If he's bursting with anger, then I would expect his words to be less proper and more angry, if you know what I mean.
In all, a wonderful beginning. You have sucked me into a story of genre that I usually hate, so congratulations! Nice job and keep on writing. I'll be sure to come back when the next part is up. PM me if you have any questions.
I love this description, soda does that to me too, but in the first sentence you say mouth twice. maybe say, 'burn the inside of my cheeks' or something like that.
I think that when going through a time like that, a parent would have a little more sympathy, unless you want them to sound kind of mean, which in that case would be a good answer. I also think they would have more of an explanation to why they were moving, I mean, they have to have a purpose!
I don't think you need the word over here. Spoiled is good by itself.
Man. her dad has a temper!
I like the description of how the tears stung like the soda!
When you say you look through an iPod, the first picture that came to mind was taking it apart, I know, that's probably just me,
A little too much drama, in my opinion, but not bad. I understand that moving would be hard, but I don't think most people would get so mad about something like that.
This is very good. Tell me when part 3 is posted! Can't wait to read it!!!
EDIT: Sorry-double post
I actually noticed the whole teen drama thing as well. I'm going to tone down the rest of the story to what I absolutely need =D Thanks.
-JC
I quite liked this but I have to admit that you have some rather extreme characters. Inconsiderate boyfriend. Inconsiderate parents. Inconsiderate persona. Maybe tone down the teen drama a little if you know what I mean. Other than that though, your use of dialogue is good and the story is interesting.
Yeah, it's just a move. But to a different city and a different school. Which for band people is a huge deal. More about that will be added later =D
Thanks for reading!
-JC
(Bright colors rock!!!)
*blinks*
Nice, you like bright colours? )
Man, her parents aren't very nice, but then, she isn't being very reasonable about the move either. Just a move, right?
Still, good writing, and ta for PMing me.
( You've changed your avvie I see.
Anyways, you left out a comma or two, but otherwise very good.
You need to change the rating from 'PG-13' to 'R'
Anyhoo, to the story!
I think you could change it to just 'breaking off the tip', you have a few sentences like this throughout, which could be shortened to sound less jabby.
Something about the parents bringing this on so abruptly, and the way they treated her reaction, makes it seem slightly unbelievable in my mind, especially if she has exams. They'd generally wait to move after they were over to avoid disturbing them too much as packing and stuff would consume study time, unless they aren't too fussed about her grades XD The Dad seems like a real jerk, would he not be more understanding that she was shocked and upset?
Also on a more nit-picky note, you have a few places where apostrophes are needed (I saw a few wonts *twitch*) and then others where you need to take them out, like in the first sentence.
Well, I like this, so I'll have to remember to check out the next part. Happy writing!
-Fish!
Thanks to those of you who read part one. Here's part two. (this is still chapter one.)
I held the soda in my mouth, letting it’s cold fizziness burn my mouth.
Finally I had to swallow it. It hurt too much.
“Wh-Where? When? Why!” I demanded, almost yelling.
“Calinta.”
“Next month.” My parents took turns answering.
“Why?” I asked again.
“Because we said so!” They said in unison.
“Calinta…” I said, “that’s like…I won’t even be at the same
school!”
“That’s okay, next week we’re going to get you enrolled at
Calinta High, it’s a very nice school,” my mom said diplomatically.
“But midterms are next month! I can’t take midterms at a new
school,” I said, still searching for excuses.
“We’ll work something out, okay. Now stop arguing!” My father
slammed the papers down on the wooden table I now had my eyes glued
to.
“This is what’s best for the family, and you’re just screwing
everything up out of greed! You think you’d be more grateful about
everything me and your mom do for you, but no! We try to do something
good for us and all you do is bitch about it!”
“Henry!” my mom interfered.
“No,” he said, “I can’t let her get away with being over spoiled
like this. It’s time for a reality check.”
I held tears back in my eyes. They burned just like the soda
had.
“Fine! You know what, let’s just move. I wont bitch about it or
anything, just don’t expect me to talk to you!”
“Cose! Language-” my mother tried.
“Ah silence! A breath of fresh air!” my father said. There was
enough sting in those words to send my tears catapulting to the table. I
stood up, sending the chair flying backwards. The urge to slap him was
almost too much. Instead of succumbing to my urges I stomped up the
stairs to my room.
There was an old beat up drum set in the far corner of the
room. It was dark cherry wood, my first one. Above it hung two vintage
guitars and a crappy bass. Reminders of failed band attempts, reminders
that made my mood even worse.
I grabbed my iPod off my messy bed and sat down behind the
set. I looked through it, and finally chose a band to match my mood.
Screaming, angry, and loud.
I did a quick four on the double bass pedal before the song
started. Guitars screamed in my ears, bass rumbled my blood, and I
matched the drums. Crazy on double bass, just this side of too much cymbal.
After three songs my mom walked into the room. She was
mouthing something I couldn’t hear. I kept playing, staring her in the eye
with a look I hoped was translating my feelings.
Fuck you.
She walked into the room, covering her ears with the palms of
her hands. I played louder, not letting up my stare.
“Cosette!” my mom yelled, loud enough to carry her voice over
both the drums and the music. I wanted to keep playing, so badly. I hit an
edge of the cymbal with the stick, breaking the tip off it.
“Shit,” I said, too quiet for me to hear over the music. My
mom’s wide eyes told me she had heard it. I pulled the headphones out of
my ears, there was a residing ring. I shook it out.
“When have you started cussing, and getting angry, and hating
us?” My mom asked.
“At about the same time you guys decided to move without my
consent.” I said.
Mom sat on the edge of my bed, “Look, your father and I are
both the adults. We make the decisions. I know it wont be easy, switching
schools.”
“What about the band? Drumline.”
“They can replace you,” she said. That was a burn if I’d ever
heard one.
“Great.” I said, “that’s just the kind of consoling my
disobedient, ungrateful, person needs…”
“I’m sorry Cose. Is this about Josh?” she asked.
“Not everything is about Josh,” I spit out.
“Ah,” mom fiddled with her fingernails. “I see.”
“Sure, whatever.” I said. I picked backup drumsticks from a pile
behind me. I spun one between two fingers.
“I’ll bring you some boxes later this week.” My mom left the
room.
I looked down at my headphones, still blaring with the music. I
dropped the drumsticks, grabbed my music and dropped onto my bed, still trying not to cry.
__________________________________
Part Three
COMING SOON.
"made by a guy who spend"
spent
"I was pretty much pissed the rest of the day, then I got home."
I think that these are two completely different thoughts that probably shouldn't be in the same sentence.
"I said. I followed her into the kitchen, my dad was
sitting at the table looking at some papers. I grabbed a soda out of the
refrigerator and cracked it open. I sat down at the table, sipping the fizz
from the top of the can"
You start all of these sentences with I, and it just seemed to stick out.
I like the way you set up the story. It's very good! I can't wait to read part two!
this was good. i hope you post part two soon.
More of your stuff, JC.
And this looks good, altho, romance.....
Still, good!
Well, I didn't expect the ending, "We're moving!" I thought her mom was seriously gonna say the I'm-pregnant-thing. Pretty good. Could use a little more background, like about Josh and Jenny and about their relationship. Just suggestions. Can't wait to read more.
Keep writing
*Foreseer*
One, I meant hand. Just think about it eh? Guy. Computer. Hand. "me time" to put it bluntly.
And uh...snails can't move backwards. Basically she was saying that Jenny had no sense of humor.
Thanks for reading!!! I'll try to get more typed up eventually =D I'm kinda swamped with POD right now though =D hehe.
-JC
hey, i really like this. keep it up. just a few suggestions.
"I was pretty much pissed the rest of the day, then I got home."
i'm thinking you need a semicolon between day and then. just cause i'm insane about grammar; i'm probably a reincarnated English teacher or something.
"and the rest of the night spending quality time with his hand in front of a
computer."
did you mean "head in front of the computer"?
"Unlike Jenny, with her porn star experience and humor the same velocity as a snail trailing backwards through snow."
i didn't get the snail thing. i had this idea that it was really clever and i'm just retarded; but the simple fact of the matter is, i didn't understand.
this is awesome! can't wait for more!