There were several things I wanted so badly to write about...
Things I loved to look at...swaying dandelions, pink skies, and breathtaking skyscrapers.
In the same way, I strongly desired to put my feelings into words...my heart racing and the priceless memories brought about by soothing classical records.
I have loved a lot of things. I have wanted to scribble my thoughts into plain words...
Yet as much as I needed to express my heartfelt emotions, I couldn't perfectly describe what it felt like to admire someone like you...to look at you and fall in love all over again.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi there and welcome to Young Writers Society!
I hope you've been enjoying your time here so far. Anyways, I am here to review your lovely poem.
I like a few of your unique phrases in here like "soothing classical records", "scribble my thoughts" and "pink skies". I would love to have some expansion on some of these ideas though, because as is, it seems like we just get a snippet of each little thought and they don't quite make a picture or plot yet.
As a reader I'm not quite seeing the connection between the last stanza (last 2 lines) and the rest of the poem. How is their expression of love different than their writing about nature, feelings, and thoughts in the other 3 stanzas? I would love a bit more connection there.
Another suggestion that I think would help with this piece is maybe to split up your lines a bit more and not rely on the use of ellipses (...) to bring together new thoughts.
The second stanza I would break like this:
"Things I loved to look at;
swaying dandelions,
pink skies, and breathtaking
skyscrapers."
Making the lines shorter lets the reader really dwell on each image and idea you paint, and can show you where expansion might really add to the piece.
Overall I look forward to reading more of your work in the future! Best of luck in your future writing, and please let me know if I can clarify anything from my review.
~alliyah
Hi! This is great. It reminds me of the feelings of your first love, or any love after that. Classic love poems like these never get old! I'm not sure about the '...' thing but that's just a personal preference. Great job! Keep it up
Hi there ItsYsaa! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, it's a good message and I liked how you worked in the imagery.
However, there's a couple things that could be improved. One thing that sticks out to me is the ellipses. I feel like they get overused a lot in poetry. I feel like ending a line on an ellipse makes it feel like it's trailing off, which affects the flow of the piece. I would either use a line break to separate the ideas currently connected with ellipses or use a hyphen or dash as it looks better and is less distracting.
There's some good stuff in this line and some stuff that could be stronger. One is the use of the adverb "strongly". You may have heard the phrase "Never use adverbs". While "never" is a strong word (and ironically enough, an adverb), they do tend to weigh down a sentence and can often be taken out. Instead, I would use more interesting verbs to get across the same idea with more of a punch. Here, you might use a word like "yearned" or "longed", though there are likely other options too.
Another aspect of this line I would work on is the use of adjectives like "priceless" and "soothing". Adjectives are another part of speech that you want to be careful with in poetry. Poetry is about seeing things in new and interesting ways, and often a good image or metaphor will be more descriptive and powerful than just an ordinary word. I was told a long time ago to think about every adjective I put in a poem, and I think that is good advice.
In this line, you have the potential for a strong image, but I think reworking some of the adjectives would make it stronger. Here's an attempt: "the Mozart on the turntable preserved my priceless memories and soothed my racing heart." This might need some tweaking, but I took the ideas you had and went for specific images to convey what you were saying in the adjectives. I decided to leave "priceless" alone because sometimes an adjective does work, but you can also take it out or think of a different way to show that these memories are priceless.
I would cut "heartfelt" here since it's an adjective that doesn't add a whole lot to the poem. Otherwise I think this is a lovely ending.
Overall, I think you have some cool images and ideas. I would work on bringing them out more and using stronger words. Keep writing!
This was very sweet! In my opinion, this captures the essence of feeling love again after something tragic happens. It’s like poetry without rhyming, and that’s something that resonates with me. Well done!