I am subtly drowning in my own pool of thoughts.
I couldn't hear a thing but my own toneless voice.
Trembling, my equivocal heart continues to deceive that of my own thoughts. And for a moment there, I could not breathe.
I was left paralyzed, yet it felt okay. It felt bizarrely okay.
I tried so hard to grasp the only thing that ever made sense.
You.
You had these dazzling eyes that immediately captivated that of my own the first day we met.
Your smile sends shivers running up and down my spine.
You owned a huge part of my soul that even I couldn't set foot in.
For a while, I fell irrevocably in love. It lasted for days that turned into weeks, weeks that turned into months.
Months of dreams that transformed into nightmares.
I could look at you all day and not witness even the slightest bit of mutual affection you keep mentioning you feel.
I could look at you all day and send my frazzled thoughts adrift.
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
I liked this piece. One thing that stuck out to me was the smooth transition between ideas and different images.Overall, well done! The piece gives really strong emotions and thoughts and deals really well with them and especially presents them well. But as the post below, the tense consistency is the only thing that is a negative, but other that that, very good.
Thank you so much for taking time to read as well!!
Thanks for sharing this poem on unrequited love and deception. I guess we sometimes fall into such traps because they are just too tempting to avoid or else because the one setting them is an expert at it or both. Being bedazzled by beauty plays a big part as well. Having that effect on others means power. Early on all females learn exactly how powerfully beauty can overwhelm the male’s ability to reason and will be tempted to use that advantage to get what they want.
The poem transmits exactly what is being felt, sadness, frustration, a feeling of betrayal, anger. But of all these I sense sadness predominates. A sorrow about the beauty of what could have been.
Suggestions:
Tense consistency:
Shifts from past to present.
I was
I am
I couldn't
smile sends
heart continues
Word economy:
Always strip away all unnecessary words.
....captivated mine the first day we met.
Thank you for reading!! Noted