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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
The beginning is odd. But it's you. So... Yeah.
I liked it, I guess. It's kind of one of those things that you read because it is good, not because there is conflict or it's actually interesting [from the beginning] but because it is well written, and that alone pulls you in. I...hope that was a compliment? xD
One thing that really annoyed me is I didn't know the MC was female until the second part, and with your usual lack of dialogue tags, I got really confused with who was talking when, but I just put up with it and read on.
Hm. I do believe you're missing the beginning of a sentence/paragraph at the very start? ...Ha, never mind, you just told me via AIM that it's supposed to be like that.
I really don't have any suggestions; it's too early to be commenting on the big stuff, and you're enough of a writer that you've got the little stuff down pat. Oh, wait, one note: might want to watch your pronouns/names when it comes to the girls; at first I thought there was only one, and it was just written oddly. Other than that, I can't wait to see how this turns out.