I wrote this in here as it came to me, so this is not edited.
Now edited
It felt like yesterday
we were still friends.
When I woke up today,
I wanted to be friends again.
But we drifted apart
long ago.
I wonder,
if we'll ever reunite.
I miss you.
I miss the the times
that we used to share
and the occasional sleepovers.
The ones that felt
like they happened yesterday.
I miss them.
I miss you.
I wonder if we'll ever
reunite.
Have a reunion,
just the two of us.
Will we get along?
Close the gap?
Or will there be distance
between us
Always?
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i love that this poem is simple ,beautiful and really has the great emotion in it cause a good friendship is hard to find and once you have lost it its difficult to get it back but anyway
wonderful job
Hello as request Draax I shall review this, I'm LastPaladin as you well know. This piece seems more like half done, half finished or incomplete, it doesn't seem at all like it's done, in fact it seems more like the foundations of something, and without the cement which would be metaphors and other figurative techniques it's like a scaffolds that lacks the bricks and cement.
Without any of these, it falls flat as it comes across as cliché, lacking any features that deserve praise or anything that could stand up to major scrutiny. It just come across as tired and generic, we've heard the same thing a billion times, and believe it or not a billion and 1 times doesn't make it anymore refreshing. Also it tell us everything and never tries to show it instead just goes on and kicks us out never letting us in and leaving us with a horrible taste at the end as it feels like you could have done better if you worked on the stanzas and strengthened the message with elaboration and conveying certain things.
Overall, this isn't finished and it's how it comes across, my suggestion is work on trying to show us rather than list everything in turgid manner that sounds regurgitated and boring.
Hope this helps.
YOUR ARE SO FREAKIN AWESOME! this caught my eye with just the title, and I just had to read it about ten times. You have a very unique way of writing and you;re a talented writer
Georgie x
Hey, Idra!
This whole bit is very simple. You're not really giving us any true emotions and it's bland.
It's like stating facts, try bringing some similes or something to create some imagery and make this first opening stanza alive. Also, I do think you should put a 'when' before 'we were still friends'. Just as suggestion though.
Remember, though, I epically fail at reviewing poetry so take this review as if a newbie is reviewing it. XD
This second stanza kind of complicates the understanding with the opening stanza. Why does this specific day make the person feel like reuniting with this old friend? I find the transition kind of awkward. =/
You're still bordering with this simplistic view. Add some nice words, something to fluff this up and spice it up without losing it's meaning. Also, the sleepover part could have been replaced with something more deeper. Sleepovers are sleepovers, think of a heartbreaking bond. An ancient friend who's moved far, far away. I want to feel this pain and this separation but I'm not feeling it.
Yes, and I miss my bunny slippers and my beanie babies. =(
Describe 'miss'. Don't just say it, describe the emotion, a storm, a wave, her heart reaching out to grasp something unattainable. Don't be afraid to experiment with some words and description/ imagery. They only do good to a poem. Well, sometimes.
You're just repeating the same thing here. I would refrain from wasting stanza space like this and actually add some deeper ties between these two friends. 'Show' us more.
Well, I don't know?
This ending, we knew that from the beginning. These questions were already a 'given' in the beginning, I was actually hoping that maybe you'd actually answer them, perhaps.
In the end, this wasn't a terrible poem, it wasn't bad. No, it was just simple but I felt like if you used some more description and imagery and polished this up slightly, tackle the main meaning then maybe you'd have a pretty nice poem with some emotion in it. It was slightly vague and I wasn't sure where you were going but then again, I'm not the best poet. lol, I do feel like you could put in some more effort, rack your brain a bit and stronger words and feelings. Good job, nonetheless. Feel free to PM me about anything.
Keep writing,
-Shear
Hey, idraax
I'm here to review as requested. I won't blabber (for once) and get straight onto the review!
I wasn't too keen on this opening, I have to admit. I think it sounded a little repetitive. It's always a great idea to start off a poem with something really eye catching.
You don't need this comma here.
Like the others have said, I do rather like the simplicity of this poem. I'm one of those easy going people who actually prefer simple things to more complicated things. Some people may call it lazy, but I just call it chilled out.
Although I like the simple feel to this poem, I think it's edging on a little too simple. I'd really love to delve deeper into the meaning and feel of the poem. Show us some imagery, some descriptions. Although you're telling us what's happened, you aren't showing us how it happened or anything. For example, we know that you and your friend have parted, but we don't know why. Did your friend move away? Did you have a fight and never sorted it out? Or maybe it's more of a metaphorical parting. Maybe you feel as though you or your friend has changed, that you/her/him aren't the same person anymore. Do you see what I'm getting at? Don't only tell us about what happened, really describe it to us. Show us the story behind the poem.
My only other real critique is that I'd love to see the emotions of this poem expressed a bit more. I'd really like to see you stretching the emotions. Right now, I'm not feeling all that much - good or bad emotion - after reading this poem. A good way to express emotion in writing is by using plenty of descriptive words and lines. This sort of fits into the first critique, I suppose. If you fix that, this small issue will be fixed quite a lot as well. I mean, you and your friend were clearly close and have now parted. That's a perfect opportunity to show us some heartbreaking emotion. Don't be afraid to be too melodramatic. After writing it, if you think it's over the top, simply tone it down a bit. It's better to have too much than not enough.
I guess that's it... This has great potential to be a wonderful poem. All that you need to do now is to progress it a little bit, really enhancing the story and emotion behind the poem. Sorry I haven't been all too much help, idraax!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
I would if I knew what it was myself...I think it was distance...time and numerous other factors I don't know the names for...
Your idea here was good, but I'm not really sure if I'm liking this too much... I like the repetition of how it seemed like just yesterday, and I like how easy it is to understand the point; it's obvious. But, I honestly think you may have made it too simple.
Maybe you could've thrown in a little bit about what tore the relationship apart? But don't throw that out in the open. Leave it ambiguous.
This is a nice poem, Idraax. I really like the simplicity and the swaying rhythm. It kind of gives a sense that it should be read really slow and subtly, some parts taken with a grain of salt, while others the whole enchilada! Also like that the main emotional conflict is present throughout the whole poem. Friendship is a powerful emotion! Emotion, when used properly, is an amazing tool that can be transposed into many, many forms of writing and artistic expression. I sometimes listen to music that matches how I want the emotion of my story or poem to be, and then I just let my mind make a home in my hand and let it go! I hope you try poetry some more, dude, and maybe even start adding the abstract! Fun is fun!
Poeticly yours,
Zac (A.K.A. The Walkin Dude)
How's it now Lumi? I read it aloud and put the punctuation in that way.
Hey there, Idraax! I'm going to be super short with this review and cut straight to two points that I want to make.
First of all, I like the simplicity of the idea you capture here. It's just this longing of a friendship of the past that everyone can relate to...and that's beautiful. It's something that embodies Lyric Poetry and makes the reader yearn for that emotion to be resolved.
Second of all, I'd just like to point out a common two-part misconception about poetic grammar that you seem to have grasped a hold on:
A.) Poetry either needs correct punctuation from start to finish or none at all. You have commas and one question mark. This dissatisfies me because I'm a stickler about being proud of poets who use correct grammar. Could you try for me? Pleeeease? It's as simple as making sentences with line breaks.
B.) Not every line of poetry needs a capital letter to start it off. This ties in with the first point regarding grammar: just write it in sentences and see how pleased you make yourself. I promise that your readers will appreciate it when they can understand your ideas within the confines of grammar.
And that's all I have to say about that!
I liked this poem; I did. I'll be looking for more of your work!
-Lumi