Other scenes of mine, that don't relate to each other. Looking back at these, I have no idea why I slipped into more dialogue oriented things. I can write description, I know that.
This scene involves the two main characters from my novel-in-the-works. I think I was depressed and angry when I wrote this, so it turned out this way.WARNING! This contains a lot of blood
Blood, it was splattered on the ground, tainting everything with its vermilion embrace. Footsteps stopped behind him, echoing loudly in the silence. He didn't turn around, he knew who it was.
"Why," he breathed softly behind him. He turned around then, Wolf was standing there. He knew what the scene must look like to him, blood everywhere. In his hair, turning it a dirty brown. Him standing there, head thrown back, eyes an odd mixture of silver, gold and sapphire. He was holding the lirai in both hands, translucent wings stained with red, flaring out behind him like a cloak.
"You know why," his voice was ice, the words freezing as they left his lips. He laughed then, a high shattering sound.
"You know," he said almost conversationally, "I feel more alive this way."
"I..I..it can't be that bad can it?"
"That bad...Wolf, you ripped my soul apart! Embedded Elaragnia's soul within my own!," he snarled, “Do you even know what it feels like?! To have your soul ripped apart! The pieces scattered! Just knowing that they're out there! But you can't find them! Do you?! Do you?!"
He screamed the next words out, “Don’t tell me that you're sorry! Just fucking don't! I believed that damn lie once! I won't again!" He was right in front of him, the last words spat in his face. Emotions boiled up, insanity sparking in his eyes. He let them lose, screaming them to the cold sky. A wordless howl ripping the sky apart, flinging everything in its path aside. Silence fell; his throat hoarse from the scream, blood stopped flowing.
"See you around Wolf," he whispered, as everything turned red.
I think I wrote this with Seres and Wolf in mind, but it could be anyone. If you want to use it, let me know.
The lines were twisted and tangled all over the page. The color was gray. The seer looked up. Her eyes held a sad look in them.
“In all my years,” she told him, “I have only seen this once.”
“So he was shattered,” he whispered looking stricken, “I thought he’d be all right, that he’d survive it.”
“You know the person,” she stated.
He nodded, “Yes”
“Do you have anything else of his?”
He took out a single, white, feather and set it gently on the black, beaten-up, table, “This was his”
She examined it for a few minutes and looked up again, this time her eyes were glazed over, “You know what you must do. Find his soul, reunite them. If you do not, he will die and with him…..with him goes the world.”
He paled and rose from his blue chair, “Thank you,” he whispered as he picked up the feather. He dropped her price on the table, the silver coins clinking gently against the table, and left, the tent flaps whispering in the wind behind him.
Another scene that I may expand. Does anyone want it?
The flames roared across the gasoline soaked street. There was a clink and another boom as the street exploded again. The sky darkened as the clouds let loose a torrent of rain that quickly doused the flames. The wails of sirens were heard in the distance, the white vans rushing toward the scene. A black van skidded to a stop before a white haired woman in a black dress. A man in a white suit got out looking angry.
“Chancellor,” he yelled, “I thought I told you to leave the demon hunting to someone else!”
She surveyed the scene, “The damage can be easily fixed.”
“This is the third time that this has happened! Leave the hunting to the hunters!”
She glared at him, “I am a hunter!” The white vans halted to a stop and they both turned to look at them.
“We will continue this later," she told him as the hunters got out. The hunters were dressed in red and had the black fang, their symbol, around their necks. The temperature froze as their leader, Lucifer, gave the chancellor a glare.
“Ashekeriara,” he said striding over to her, “You are not one of us and I thought I told you that you will never be like your father.”
She laughed, “You still think it’s about that Lucifer! I thought you were the smart one. I am not one of you and never will be! But I am a true hunter and I am merely doing my job.”
“You are delusional, there is only one group of hunters and those are the demon hunters.”
She smiled and showed him her necklace, “See this? The feather is from a phoenix, the tooth is a dragon’s tooth and the fang is from a basilisk. I am a hunter and I will find the demon that killed my father!”
“You cannot,” Lucifer told her drawing out his gun, “You are needed here.” She grinned and tossed another clip into the street, sending flames rushing toward them.
“Goodbye,” she whispered, disappearing in a swirl of black light.
No idea where this came from
The city was encased in ice. The temperature was nearly absolute zero, but he didn’t feel the cold. In fact, it felt warm to him, he whished it was colder. She found him sitting on the roof, wearing nothing but a bathrobe.
“I’m surprised you haven’t died yet,” she told him dressed in her warmest clothes.
“The trick is to be colder than the temperature it is,” he said watching the snowflakes freeze in midair.
“Interesting how they don’t fall,” she noted, “anyway I’m going back inside.”
She ran to the door and pried it open, quickly disappearing into the warmth of the apartment. He stayed outside, the cold entering his bones. It joined the coldness inside of him and he felt himself becoming the ice…. When she came out a day later when the cold spell had finished, she found a statue of pure ice that looked exactly like him.
I think Stargate Atlantis inspired me to write this one. Probably after I read/watched the episode where McKay destroys a solar system.
The world stops. His smile, frozen, breaks. He turns and walks away.
“See you,” the other whispers. The world still seems frozen. Life carries on around him. He doesn’t notice. He cannot feel anymore, he is dead inside. The other moves on, not looking back. Does not see the pain and emptiness left in his wake. They meet, again. 12 years later. Both of them moved on, forgot, never forgave. Memories stir, break the surface. Wounds open, raw and bleeding.
“I missed you,” they both say together. They look at each other, really look.
“I’m sorry,” they both say together. Two words erase the past. The world moves on.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,423 Reviews
Thank you for the review. Yes, people can use these snippets if they want. The first one, I used two of the characters from my novel and as I said in the comments, I wrote it when I was mad and I didn't edit it afterward. None of these are edited. Your review made me laugh and go "wow these snippets really were terrible."
Thanks for the feedback!
Hi Idraax, here to review as requested
I'm sun burnt and tired, but it was a great day :3
Onto the review.
Firstly, I believe the above should be in a spoiler, as it looks messy, detracts from the story itself, and will show the reader where the actual story begins, so they can skip all of the above.
"Blood. It was splattered on the ground, tainting everything it touched with a vermilion embrace."
"The sound of footsteps, echoing loudly in the silence, eased to a standstill behind him."
Who is saying this? The guy near the blood, or the owner of the footsteps?
Because you haven't identified which character is who, the two merge into one. Who's standing there with his head thrown back? Who's near the blood? Who holds the lirai?
Who's saying this?
I have no idea why this was said. That's the problem with submitting bits and pieces of your story - nothing is in context, so the reader can't make any sense about anything.
Woah, easy on the exclamation and question marks. Generally you chose one or the other, not both. Also, "he shouted" is just as good as four of those exclamation marks.
This is confusing because I don't know who's who. "He was right in front of him" - what? Who was in front of who? You could clear this up by giving the other man a name, even just once. Remember, you wrote this, not the reader. We can't know of your intent, so you have to tell us.
Also, you went into a lot of effort to describe the blood, but then the blood wasn't mentioned again... What was the connection?
What exactly are you saying here?
When there is dialogue between two people, it's not necessary to state who is speaking each time, and how. A simple, "she said" is also much better than "she stated", "she told" etc.
You seem to be forgetting your periods/full stops.
I understand you're trying to be mysterious and prophetic here, but this scene is really too simple for what you're trying to convey.
Again, I'm not sure what you're trying to do here. Are you asking people to use your work?
These are really awkward names.
Would the leader of said group be even bothering to say that? You're writing all this in here for plot convenience. If I had set fire to a street and then caused two explosions, I would have been halfway across town before anyone could say "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious".
Again, plot convenience. Also, "A phoenix feather, a dragon tooth, a basilisk fang; I am a hunter. And I will hunt down the evil spawn who took my father's life."
What? Did Lucifer just tell her that she wasn't a hunter and would never be one? If so, then why would he say, "you are needed here?"
A clip of what? You are aware that a clip is another way of saying ammunition, as in, the bullets of a gun. Generally bullets do not explode/spray flames when dropped on the ground. EDIT: When I read this to my friends, both thought you meant a hair clip. Which is even worse, really.
Wow, this whole thing was plot convenience. As I said earlier, I would have ran immediately from the scene. Your character even has the ability to teleport, but she hung around... why?
Between each "snippet", you should use some kind of break, not italicised comments. Something like:
"* * * *" would suffice.
You do realise that at absolute zero all particles stop moving? Near absolute zero is a temperature no one could survive.
... snowflakes freeze in midair? But the people can move around? See any inconsistencies?
This sentence can be rewritten to read better.
I liked the premise of this last snippet, but it seems like it could have been executed better.
So, overall:
Characters
You have a tendency to not name your characters, making the reader confused about who is who.
Style
Sometimes you spend a lot of time describing things, other times it seems as if you can't be bothered. I understand that these are "snippets" of stories, or small bits of stories you started but then discarded, so I can't really comment much more on style.
Hope this helps a bit, and thanks for requesting a review
- Jai