If anyone has a better title for this, let me know please.
You step out onto the tightrope.
It's long and thin, vibrating under your feet
alive.
You take a careful step forward,
sway,
but your toes curl around the rope
You take another step:
it's cutting in.
Beads of blood are left behind.
Two sentences in your head.
Two more steps.
One wrong step;
you don't want to fall.
Beneath the rope is a black abyss.
It does not end.
You feel it dancing across your nerves.
made up of the past.
You have fallen before.
You were ripped to shreds
and scattered in the abyss.
Somehow,
you managed to piece yourself together.
However,
you are not whole.
One single misstep
will break you.
You take the next step.
You're almost there.
The other side wavers,
then solidifies.
You take another step
and
you.....
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140,548 Literary Works • 673,420 Reviews
I think Tightrope is an excellent title for your poem..
Heya, Idra!
This was pretty cool, I thought! I enjoyed writing these kinds of poems way back whenever. The poems with a metaphor through the whole thing. They're considered fairly easy, but I enjoy what I can!
There was one part I wasn't a fan of, and that was how the black abyss was executed. It didn't seem to flow as nicely as it could have. For example:
Knowing what an abyss actually is, I found this rather obvious. Assume that the reader understands what an abyss is and what the consequences are. Then you can play around with more emotional phrases that grab the reader's heart. Scare them into the suspense at the end.
Speaking of which, I love the ending!
Generally, I found this was narrated more than shown. Like a show-don't-tell only in poetry. xD I know it probably doesn't make sense, but there was a lot of "when you do this" and "this will happen when" that bogged it down. Mostly consisting of "You do this" and "you do that." A little of that is fine, but this had a whole bunch. It felt like a laundry list of actions, I guess.
Also, I found places like this:
And the rhythm is really off to me. I'm not sure I like it. The parallelism between the second and third lines here aren't as good as they could be. In fact, this whole stanza sounds stretched out when it could be more compact and effective.
I enjoyed it thought! If you have any questions, PM me!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey id :D
If I may suggest one thing? Please watch out for repetitions. You've got 'rope' twice in the first stanza and once in the third, 'abyss' twice towards the end, and 'step' all throughout, which gets pretty noticeable and detracts from the whole. There's also a couple redundancies ("ripped to shreds" and "scattered" in such close succession in stanza 4 just feels like overkill, for example)
I also find some lines pretty heavy, flow-wise: try reading this aloud, see where you trip over the words, or where your voice starts dropping. Take, for example, "Beads of blood are left behind." It's a very slow sentence, and it feels longer than it should be, after the tension and the cutting that happened just before that. The 'b' sound is round; something sharper would, I think, fit better. And the "made up of the past" in stanza 3 just makes no sense to me.
I'm also iffy about the single-word lines. Some of them work, but others--like "alive,"--just read off and break the whole thing up by jolting us into that sharp, kind of unnecessary detail before returning to the main point. That's more subjective, so feel free to ignore me on this, but maybe poke a them a bit?
All in all you've got an interesting image here, but the execution feels like it's still pretty rough. I trust you can polish it some more.
Hope that helped :P
Jag
Hey there! Sporks here for a review. (Though I assume that's kind of obvious, otherwise--never mind.)
I dunno. Maybe it's just me, but this reads a lot like prose. xD Maybe try to be a bit less...factual? I think that's the word. The last bit seems like you're hitting your stride and becoming more poetic. Which is good.
You never come back to this idea. You might want to.
The second abyss is redundant. Maybe try another word?
Overall, I liked this poem. But it was very abstract. I wasn't sure what you were trying to convey. Maybe hint at it in the poem? Otherwise it simply comes off as someone walking on a tightrope that's pretty sharp and is facing the danger of falling, which may actually be what you're going for.
Good luck and keep writing!
Spork
This.. Is.. Epic..
Seriously, it is.
I really love how the emotions seem to flow out. It is very dramatic and emotional. I absolutely love it.
The word choice and the way the poem flows is amazing, and makes a very good read.
I'm speechless, so I'll shut up now.
Good job!
Hey there, Draax! Here to review. ^^
Yes, I just said cruel. I love cliffhangers, truly I do. But you just end up wanting more, don't you? lol
Wow, Draax! This is amazing. Wonderful flow, rythym and imagery here. I can really imagine myself on that tightrope and being afraid to fall. *claps* Brilliant, dear. Brilliant. And then you end it on a cliffhanger. Now that is both smart, brilliant and cruel.
Anyway. Nitpicks.. *tilts head to one side* I'm not sure I even have any. *rereads* Nope, none. It's imperfectly perfect just how it is. I like it, a lot. *clicks like* Thank you, Draax dear, for a brilliant and amazing poem. I adore it, truly do. Keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Passport... Hai! *reviews*
First off, I would really like to say that I like the idea of this poem. Like Flem, I was seeing it as a bit of a metaphor, though I think you sucked me in a bit better than you did him.
Of course, I did feel a bit dettatched. There was a good structure and decent imagery, but I think that it lacked emotion for the most part. There was something that this seemed to lack... and yes, I think emotion must have been it.
I did like the imagery, and I appreciate the metaphor (partially because metaphors are so difficult for me to come up with - I admire your ability to create them), and the imagery (I've said this already, though), but it wasn't quite as gripping as I would have wanted it to be.
It was pretty and all, but pretty doesn't always sum it up. Tricky situations usually involve a lot of emotion - stress, anger, sadness, etc... - yes? So, take the imagery and keep it, but twine some emotional aspects in with it. If you can do this without changing too much of image you created, this poem could turn into something awesome.
Sorry for the lame review. xD I wasn't quite sure what to add to what Flem said.
~~Cass
In trying to figure out where to begin with this critique, I was trying to find something I liked about the poem. So I'll start with this: I appreciate the length of the poem.
That being said: this is really vague. I'm trying to find something to connect to, and I'm not finding anything. There are many beautiful words and phrases in here, but they don't say anything.
Overall, I'm viewing the poem as sort of a metaphor: the tightrope is a tough situation that you must get through, and the journey is rough and painful, but the other side of the situation provides some stability. With that idea in mind, it's an okay poem, as some of the metaphors and imagery needs some work. But it's still a rather vague work, as I still don't feel emotionally attached to any of the imagery.
The ending, despite having a really good set up for a cliffhanger, is kind of anti-climactic. Not sure if it's too many dots at the end, or if it's because I still wasn't sucked into the poem as a whole. A stronger ending would be much appreciated.
I know you said this needs a lot of work, and I agree. And I still feel bad for not really having anything positive to say about it. So I will end with this: you're a super cool person, and I'm pretty sure this is just a blip in an otherwise impressive list of works.
kf
Fantastic job with this poem. I really loved how you left it on a clinger at the end. You don't tell what happens, if the speaker falls or makes it. What does the poem symbolize to you I wonder? Or is it simply a poem meant to symbolize the fragiality of life itself. Of decisions and choices. Whatever it truly is meant to mean, I thought it was beautiful. Clear to read and understand. Interesting as well as anything else. I'm sorry to say that I've failed to think of anything else you could perhaps call this poem! But what's wrong with tightrope? ..Anyway, great job again.
Keep on writing!
Phoenix lands for a review
I'm not great with poetry reviews, but I will give you my general outlook on the poem.
I liked the idea of this poem. I don't think I've ever read a poem in second person, and it was interesting to read. The only thing negatve I have to say is that it seems a bit choppy and abrupt. The lines seem to end without flow into the next. I suppose that could be a style choice as going across a tightrope would be unbalanced, but that is what stood out to me.
Small thing. It is fine to end the poem with that last line, but I would suggest to cut out the ellipses. They just seem to highlight the cut off too much and take away the mystery of it.
I hope I helped. I don't think I did. -_-
Phoenix bursts into flames.
Hey id! Told you I'd be here! I don't really do poetry, but I'll give it my best shot!
I feel like there should be a comma after feet but overall, it's not a particularly great line. Too factual or something.
I think there's room to expand this. Maybe that's just me.
I didn't understand this. What two sentences?
Maybe find another word for abyss?
Okay, on the whole, I like this. It's a good idea, and I love the anticipation! But also, I think that you need to work a little bit on whatever meaning you're trying to portray with it. A tightrope is an allegory for so many different things and at times that shines through beautifully but at others it's not quite clear. Also, in regard to structure, try not to just put line breaks in randomly. Find a reason to. If a word works on the previous line, then leave it there.
But overall, nice job!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x