Young Writers Society

Hello Hikari here with a review! Let's get right into it shall we?

This comes off as less of a poem and more like a toast, like something the someone would say at a wedding?

I like how the words 'for all the times' is repeated as every time its said it becomes more and more clear that your saying 'because i wanted to' because you say 'I could have done x, but I didnt'

Its very unique which is something I like. So I definitely enjoyed it!

Thanks for the read, kudos! ❤

im am quite having a hard time with this, its quite uninviting but i think this brings in a new kind of art form a new way to express your emotions
but i think it really needs to be worked on

i changed the old story to something else

ok guys so i will be taking this down today so say bye bye to it.

Okay, so I gotta be brutally honest, I am not going to sugarcoat. You did sign up for this though. Please by no means take this offensively, and by no means take this as discouragement. This text is very choppy. The flow is not inviting at all. The word next recurred quite often which was quite redundant, I didn't like that part. Sex scenes generally need more detail. What were they thinking, what was going on in their head? Was it the first time for them, or what. Had they been waiting for years. All that lust and longing needs to come out in the text. There needs to be more descriptive imagery, not descriptiveness, specifically descriptive imagery. I kind of like the way you started it, the hook I mean. The text looks like a big block, that needs to change. It is a small text, but still, break it up. Other than that I like the idea (because of the topic I hesitated to say that). Please don't be offended, if this came out harsh I apologize, I had to say it somehow.

OH GOD
I wasn't expecting such details xD

Oh well I'm 14 and I guess you did warn us 😂

This short was straight to the point, with some hints of humour, like the names. God they're funny to pronounce. The only thing that kinda made this hard to read was the way you edited it.
First, when you look at it, it just looks like a giant chunk of text. Which can be really demoralising for people who were looking for airy stories, and even tho it's not long, the way there's no line skipping or indention makes It seem huge.
Then, the dialogue. Everything is just muddled up together. Now maybe this is part of the comedy, and we've just not got the same sense of humour, but when you stick dialogues together with the rest of the text, it makes you read the whole very fast with no time to breathe in between. You should work on that as well as the pacing in future stories, as it'll really makes it easier for readers.

That's all, and thanks for the read, I think I'll skip dinner now ^^

Two words, GOOD GRACIOUS. I don't know what I'm expecting from the title but I surely didn't expect an explicit details of what they are doing in their first honeymoon. The structure of this work is quite simple and straight forward but it have good sense of humour in it (Well, maybe for me at least). Really liked the name Bobby Joe Miller because it just sounds funny saying it over and over as fast as I could.