When you hold me I feel warm
Your arms around me like a swarm
I love you my dear
You draw me near
Why can't I break free from your clutch
I love you so much
Why can't you see
I give you all of me
When you touch me I feel a spark
I love when you kiss me in the dark
When we are old
My love will still be bold
I love you my dear
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Ok so this isn’t the traditional “lovey-dovey our love is like fire” type poem. Which isn’t inherently a bad thing. I think that more descriptive and creative imagery would go a long way though
My least favorite line is probably “your arms around me like a swarm.” The line didn’t really make sense to me, but at the same time it did ??? I don’t know. It just wasn’t that impactful to me.
On the contrary, my favorite lines were “why can’t I breaks free from your clutch? I love you so much.” Another reviewer said that line disrupted the flow of the poem but I don’t think it did. One thing I did like about this poem was the lack of punctuation, it felt free in that way. No question marks to hold you down
I liked the last line of the poem as well because it broke out of the rigid structure of the poem.
I’m pretty sure the other reviewers covered everything else, so there isn’t much need for me to keep adding more words to this
Hi,
This is an interesting poem you have here - the emotions that you are conveying here are very heartfelt however personally for me, I feel as though they lack dimension and layers. For example the first four lines:
When you hold me I feel warm
Your arms around me like a swarm
I love you my dear
You draw me near
As a reader your poem feels very rigid and fixed to a structure - which in some cases is alright but personally as a poet myself, I try to avoid doing and allow the poem to flower with emotions and language that flow to me whilst I craft my work. So instead of those first four lines (these are all just suggestions for improvement of course - I totally appreciate that this is your work so you have complete control):
When you hold me,
My fears and anxieties leave me,
When you hold me,
I feel protected by your warmth,
When you hold me,
I finally feel free,
But other than that, well done, and keep writing! You totally show vast potential as a writer so please keep writing!
'Ello!
This feels a bit forced to me. It doesn't flow that well, and it's just short and cut off. When I read rhymed poetry, it's either too choppy or too flowery. I'd try switching some things around until it sounds a little better.
This is also choppy, but not because of the rhyming. It's the word choice of not having "that" anywhere in the lines.
The kissing came out of nowhere? There were no actions beforehand, and now we are in a scene. It just feels really out of place with the rest of the imagery and words chosen. Could you add some build up to it?
Good place to end, I'd say. There is no rhyme though, so it messes up the rest of the rhymes throughout, in my opinion.
Good job!
lum
Hi there! I love this poem. It is so sweet and envelopes me with this feeling of comfort. I don't have many critiques on it, but here are the few that I do have.
I love the rhymes that you incorporate with this poem, but I wish there was a bit more of a pattern with it rather than just every two lines. With a pattern, I think the poem would resound a bit more and have that lullaby quality. Right now, it feels stuttered in places and the flow is disrupted. The only suggestion I have for this is instead of doing the rhyme pattern AABBCC... perhaps do something like AABBAA... or something so there is more repetition with the rhyming pattern. This is totally my opinion and suggestion though, and you can completely disregard it because I still love how it is right now.
Again with repetition and flow, there are a few longer lines that flow wonderfully together, but then in the middle of a rhyme scheme, the length of the line will change and it feels disrupted. for example:
This second line is significantly shorter than the first and I almost felt like they were from two separate stanzas even though they weren't. Perhaps this was intentional? The rest of the poems rhyme pairs feel as though they are on one train of thought, so this was one that disrupted that.
Besides this, I have no other critiques! I love the last three lines; the way you show that this love is everlasting without outright saying it and then ending it with a single line without a pair. It almost gave me the vibe that the poem is in pairs like the couple, then it ends with them and their feelings being one.
Wonderful work!
Mordax