"Breathe"

OKAY! *cracks knuckles*
Been so long since I reviewed and was actually active
Here we go:


Clear in expression and well thought out. Flows well and slow giving the effect of being just woken up. The line 'Once more' was the first thing that actually set the mood in the stanza since it shows the repetitive nature of a morning routine and the loneliness the persona feels.

Tackles a different moment throughout the day, it shows the insecurity of the persona, how the very thought of life as it is at the present is exciting yet scary.
[/quote] And the pavement on your feet. [\quote]
The pavement at your feet or under your feet sounds better and makes more sense then on

Focuses on the persona's relationships with other people, the love and bonds created throughout the years and at the present moment.

The rest goes on at a very beautiful pace that moves on from slow to a faster pace. The images created at some points are spectacular and the rhyming was natural and not forced.

Well done
Keep it up!
~RS

Love.

favourite lines:
You can feel the flurries in your gut.
You can feel the panic in your heart.
You can feel the sweat upon your hands
And the pavement on your feet.
The doors open for you.
Or do you open for them?
You think that everyone is watching.
You think your soul is on display.

Lose yourself in the friends.
Find yourself in the morning
With too little sleep
And too much work
See that precious face you love
Wonder why love is pain
Remember why it's worth it
Gather the courage.
~
Go.

this second one tore me apart
.

Hey there! I wanted to leave a few thoughts on your poem here.

So, I liked the formatting and the concept of doing a poem that was like a pep-talk to the self, and kind of finding fulfillment through this sort of meditation of speaking to yourself. I've been noticing a lot more poetry in the "self-help" category actually, and I think it's an interesting sort of trend.

Anyways on to a few positives and critiques.

Flow & Tone
I thought that the flow of this poem was really good, it might because of the text being centered, but I really didn't mind the really short lines, because there was consistent end-punctuation and pretty even lines and stanzas as a reader I just ended up reading it really slowly which ended up making the flow of the poem pretty good I thought. So basically, I think the formatting you used for this poem in terms of beginning line capitalization, end-punctuation, centering etc all worked because it was consistent within itself and seemed to create a slow peaceful pace to read.

As far as tone, I also thought it was fairly consistent. It took on this tone/vibe of a mentor or higher being coaching someone younger or less wise. And if the mentor is really the self that makes it really interesting. The voice was constant and directive but not commanding, really good for this sort of piece. A lot of self-help poetry/articles ends up sounding arrogant, insincere, or commanding, but this I felt kept the tone even and positive without being callous. There was recognition of pain but it didn't linger on it. Very good here.

Meaning
I took the overall meaning of this poem to be sort of along the lines of some Buddhist philosophy I've read. That we need to kind of let go of what's holding us back. Recognize the pain in the world but move on and continue forward and not hold on to all the bitterness of the world. The repetition of the command "breathe" was like I said, very meditative and helped bring that theme throughout the piece.

Now although I think the theme spoke through pretty clearly, the overall plot of the poem (as in like following this character through the actions they were doing) was less clear and at times a bit scattered/disconnected. I think this is partly because the poem went on so long. I felt like in the first stanza and then the last four we pretty much got the full theme, and then everything else felt a bit redundant and like it was branching off the main idea in strange tangents. I think that the middle stanzas could be reduced a bit to that end.

I also think you should try picturing in your mind each line you're describing like it's a movie playing out and see if it makes sense, because for me there were some continuity issues.

For instance,
in this stanza:

Look in the mirror.

This is who you were.
Clear the crust from off your eyes.
Run a brush through your wayward hair.
Work the unsteadiness from off your bones.
Unleash your mind and set it free.
Step back in front of the mirror.

"Kiss those lips, sit back, and glow

Say "goodbye" but mean "hello."

Hey there! Shey here for a review!

So, I found this to be an enjoyable read, considering I just started high school myself. Of course, keep in mind that obviously I only relate to small portions of this poem, since most of what it discusses I'm too young to experience.

My biggest issue with this piece is the same as what the previous reviewer commented on, and that's the inconsistency of your rhyme scheme. Sometimes you have some really great rhymes, rhymes that made me go "wow, that's amazing". Other times, there were rhymes that made me go "meh, that was okay". I think that if you really want to rhyme, then you should think of a rhyme scheme which you want to stick with throughout the entirety of the poem. Rhyming in poetry is difficult, because it can make or break your poem. That's why it's important that you really think out your rhymes, so that they don't make the delivery of the piece seem awkward.

I did enjoy the style of the poem. The centered formatting is unusual, not so much that it makes me question it's validity, by just enough that it gives the piece a unique flare. Just what any poem needs. It definitely is a plus to the work, and so I wouldn't suggest for a second that it should be changed

I also really love the message of this piece. It gives me that hopeful, depressing, uplifting, deprecating feel of high school all in one. Somehow you've perfectly captured the concept of high school on paper (technically not paper but shhhh). It's an impressive feat, and I won't pretend for a second like I could ever possibly do it.

Overall, awesome job! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!

Hey there, Phoenix!

So, I know that I usually like to start my reviews on some kind of positive/reaffirming note, but I have to ask: What is the rhyme scheme here? To me, it seems inconsistent among the different stanzas, and that sort of trips up my flow at times. I mean, you definitely have some high points - the passage about autumn and winter is one of the better executed rhymes I've seen in a while, and I actually like the complex pattern of ababbcdc in the second-to-last stanza; it was both unexpected and clever. However, there are some cases in which the lines are awkwardly rhymed - see "autumn falls", which forces a near rhyme, and "by freezing stage fright", as it doesn't fit with the preceding lines and reads oddly. In general, though, I went to the autumn stanza, when the rhyming really took off, and part of me thought, "Hey, I didn't know this poem was in rhyme! This person has to be a good writer to get me to not notice that!" I then looked back and realized that there was no solid or consistent rhyming pattern, and that confused me. It certainly got more confusing, and perhaps frustrating, as I went through future stanzas and saw different rhyme schemes, if they existed. Considering how it impacted my opinion of the piece and its flow, that's something I'd advise focusing on. Going halfway between rhyming and not rhyming, I've noticed, usually doesn't end well in the audience's mind.

Otherwise, though, this is a charming poem. It's provocative, has a nice chronological/narrative effect, and effectively details the core relationship. I like the second-person-perspective progression (rarely done well, but you succeed) from loneliness, to a successful and beautiful romance (here described in the effective extended metaphor of a spell), to the arrival of the future and the termination of the romance, and eventually dealing with carrying on. It is all classic bildungsroman material, and has the connotations that relate easily to all people's common struggles and efforts to handle the future, deal with fright, and fall in love. Yeah, the way in it's written is emotional and powerful, and I admire the language and strength of the piece. At least the "you", in spite of the apparent bleakness of the future, and their losses, can move forward and find new victories to relish in. I suppose that "If they all can do, then you can too" is a good internal rhyme, though it reads awkwardly (and can be resolved with "If they all can do it", though that admittedly damages the effect of the rhyme). Furthermore, "Amidst the color,/The world turns gray." is also strange to me, as I can't imagine what other colors there might be if the world itself is gray. However, beyond that, this is a remarkable and intense poem, combining a lot of unique elements to produce an effective result. Great job!