This is my darkest hour.
I taste defeat, and it's oh so sour.
My problems mount and devour,
While I just sit and cower.
I want so very much to wave this all away,
And I wonder why I must fight another day,
For there must surely be some other way,
Than to merely watch myself decay.
If I fall or if I stand,
If I fight for something grand,
Maybe that should be my plan.
If I can.
But in the haze of fretful dreams,
In between my silent screams,
It seems,
Something very ancient gleams.
Me.
Young and happy.
Taunting with what I want to be.
But now I stand here, empty,
And I wonder what he would decree.
Would he say that I am weak?
Would he be angry, at my ignorance of what we swore?
The younger me would speak,
And finally he would restore,
With a ferocity I have no more,
He would say: This is war.
That the person that I am is someone worth fighting for,
And where we always sought to be is nowhere near that floor.
That if I want this to be my demise,
Then he is not me; he is more.
Open your eyes.
You've done this before.
Choose, today, to rise.
But this mode I'll engage,
It's war that I'll wage,
And once I turn this page,
There will be no more man, only rage.
And so I stop to remind myself,
That fire is too hot to touch.
That this is what I don't want to be,
And why it hurts so much.
But this is my adaptation
To my current situation
This station,
Is my post at the edge of my damnation.
I will not subject myself to prostration.
I will sweep across this nation,
An aberration,
Running to desolation,
Boldly giving my declaration,
That this is my salvation.
And this you will hear,
Loud and clear.
I will make this decision,
Right here.
To break from this prison
Of sadness and indecision,
This Phoenix has risen.
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138,161 Literary Works • 672,076 Reviews
Thank you for the reviews, people. I just wanted to address all of your points, one by one. Call it a review of your review. Let's jump into it.
That's pretty weird, but I just guess that's your thing.
Stanzas
All of you point out that the lack of stanzas is confusing, and I absolutely agree. But you'd think that a literature website would allow you to space without using weird symbols, right? Does anyone know why the don't do something about this?
Rhyme Scheme
I'll admit, I got lazy when I was writing this. I actually woke up around 3:00 in the morning and expressed myself onto the paper, so this might've been me just getting tired again. I did look it over later on, but I found that the erratic rhyme scheme contributed to the sense of turbulence of the poem, which reflected the turbulence of my mind at the time. Poems are meant to be interpreted, and me explaining this interrupts the reader-poem relationship, but with this information, do you all think that I should still reform the rhyme scheme?
To Lupa:
I didn't add too many details to the first couple of lines because I believe that it disrupted the flow. Also, I am personally a very action-oriented person with an inherent disdain for excess details. I mean, where else would I taste defeat? But you do have a point. Should the included details relate to concrete imagery or expand on my ideas?
To Demon Goddess:
This is my darkest hour is a statement. It's a hook, just like in an essay. As for the "oh" in "oh so sour?" I thought about removing that, but every time I did, I got this weird buzzing sensation in the back of my head when I reread it. Call it writer's intuition, but I don't like the way it flows without the "oh." However, having "oh" in the line is a bit unnecessary. Maybe I'll revise it if I can find another single syllable word that fits.
As for your analysis of the rhyme scheme, you're bumping into the main issue that everyone else talks about: the lack of stanzas. The stanzas in this poem aren't necessarily four lines long. It varies a lot, and, as a result, it rhymes much better. But is there some weird rule against having a variable number of lines per stanza? Shakespeare did it, so I don't think so, but your input on this would be appreciated.
According to Merriam-Webster, taunt means to "to reproach or challenge in a mocking or insulting manner." The definition is correct. Is it my usage of the word that's problematic?
One more thing. You want me to give you my soul?
To Lovelace:
You're right that my poem is ununique (we'll just pretend that's a word, because it's fun to say). It's an expression of emotion, not a fictional narrative on rising up. If it was the latter, then I would definitely satisfy your desire for a twist. However, it is the former, so it's going to be generic, and that's just by nature of the theme.
You also say that the rhyme scheme is repetitive, and I assume that you're talking about the lines near the end where I rhyme "-tion" repeatedly. If not, elaborate. If so, then please understand that it was intentional. It's a march to war and the rhyme and beat are supposed to imitate the beating of drums and the roaring of a heartbeat. These are things that are inherently redundant. If that's your issue, then this may be the solution, along with an inclusion of stanzas.
Let me be absolutely clear: my criticisms are not an attack. Please don't interpret it as such. I deeply appreciate all of your reviews because that means that, at the very least, you care enough to take a couple minutes of your life to read my poem and respond to it. The purpose of my criticisms are to initiate a dialogue from which both me the writer and you the reader may learn.
I look forward to your responses,
Phoenix (even though it's not a proper noun)
Hi, just to let you know, reviewers only get a notification if you comment on their actual review, so it's best to respond to them individually if you want to set up a dialogue. Hope you're settling in well to YWS!
Hey hey, Ardently! here for a review!!!
First of all, welcome to YWS. It's always great to see new members, and even better getting to read what they're written. And can I just say, I love the fact that your first poem relates to your username? I know, it's hardly a helpful critique, I just find it charming. Anyways, onto the review itself.
First off, I agree with what my fellow reviewers have said about your stanzas, or rather lack thereof. It's a little hard to read as is, much like any piece that isn't broken up in some way. Slushie is right that a handy way of keeping the site from formatting out your stanzas is to put something between them like a ~ or -- or *, whatever suits you best. It just makes it a lot easier to read and actually think about the message of the poem.
Other than the lack of stanzas, I do like your format. Your poem rhymes really nicely, which makes the lines flow together. I also like the variation in the lengths of the lines. It makes the writing visually interesting and means that those shorter lines stand out more to me, so it can be a good technique.
Onto the theme! Like my fellow reviewers have said, it is one that gets used quite a lot. BUT that doesn't make it bad, or any less worth telling. Some of the best stories we have are twists on older tales, and they're called archetypes for a reason. And that's what this is in my opinion: an archetype, not a cliche. After all, no two stories or takes on an idea are ever the same.
It might be just me, but the rhyming mixed with the theme made it seem kind of like a ballad. Not really a good or bad thing, more an interesting point.
Overall this might not be the most original of pieces, but it was still an interesting one. I'm excited to see where you go from here!
~ Ardently! <3 ~
Hello, IAmthePhoenix, PastelSlushie here for review number 16 for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it! Also, welcome to YWS! It's great to see you've already posted something.
Also, before we officially begin, I would like to point out that I have just opened up to reviewing poetry, so my apologies if my review isn't helpful, or a carbon copy of another review.
Nitpicks) This is all one big block of text, and from what I know, with the separation of stanzas, the reader can follow this and understand it a lot better. You could use symbols such as ~ - or whatever else that you think that could work. If you put one of those after every four lines, the reader could understand the flow easier.
Flow) The rhyming flow goes pretty smoothly, in the beginning, sort of a point A to point B with the rhyming. But as it goes on, it seems to go to point A to point C to point B with the rhyming. My suggestion would be to keep the rhyming scheme either like it was at the beginning or the end to keep it consistent.
Overall) This poem was very solid, especially for a first. I like the idea of rising up after a tragedy, even if it's a little overused. Your idea is, as I like to call it, in the bag, and you seem to know what you were doing when writing this. I understand what you're going through while reading this and I can fit myself easily into this.
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,
Pastel
Heyo IAmThePhoenix! Welcome to YWS! My name is Kara and I am here for a (hopefully) quick review!
This is my darkest hour. Use a comma instead of a period. I won't point this out again, but it messes with my brain.
I understand what you're going through here and I get the theme very well. You have some issues with flow and grammar but it's easy to fix. Good job. Give me your soul. --
I am no good at reviewing poetry, but I need practice and I want to get into KotGR so here we go. I'm trying a new reviewing strategy as well:
Issues in red, grammar-specific issues in purple, suggestions in green, comments in blue:
Spoiler
I taste defeat, and it's oh so sour. You don't need the "oh" here. The flow still works.
My problems mount and devour,
While I just sit and cower.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
I want so very much to wave this all away,
And I wonder why I must fight another day,
For there must surely be some other way,
Than to merely watch myself decay.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
If I fall or if I stand,
If I fight for something grand,
Maybe that should be my plan.
If I can. In most of your other stanzas all of the lines rhyme the same. This is confusing, since not all of it rhymes the same way. I won't point this out again.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
But in the haze of fretful dreams,
In between my silent screams,
It seems, This messes with the flow a little bit.
Something very ancient gleams.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
Me.
Young and happy.
Taunting with what I want to be. That's not what taunting means.
But now I stand here, empty,
And I wonder what he would decree.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
Would he say that I am weak?
Would he be angry, at my ignorance of what we swore?
The younger me would speak,
And finally he would restore,
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
With a ferocity I have no more,
He would say: This is war.
That the person that I am is someone worth fighting for,
And where we always sought to be is nowhere near that floor. This is a confusing line. I would say remove this completely or change it to make it make more sense.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
That if I want this to be my demise,
Then he is not me; he is more.
Open your eyes.
You've done this before.
Choose, today, to rise.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
But this mode I'll engage,
It's war that I'll wage,
And once I turn this page,
There will be no more man, only rage.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
And so I stop to remind myself, This and "be" doesn't rhyme.
That fire is too hot to touch.
That this is what I don't want to be,
And why it hurts so much.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
But this is my adaptation
To my current situation
This station, This messes with the flow a little bit.
Is my post at the edge of my damnation.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
I will not subject myself to prostration.
I will sweep across this nation,
An aberration,
Running to desolation,
Boldly giving my declaration,
That this is my salvation.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
And this you will hear,
Loud and clear.
I will make this decision, This doesn't rhyme with "hear" or anything else in this stanza.
Right here.
Add a "-" here to separate the stanzas.
To break from this prison
Of sadness and indecision,
This Phoenix has risen. Phoenix isn't a proper noun. Also, if you italicize "this," then it'll state your point.
Overall, it's pretty good, especially for a first poem.
Kara
Hey there IAmthePhoenix and welcome to YWS! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
The main two things that interest me in this work, are the lack of stanzas and the rhyme scheme that you have going here. This poem should be split up some, to both utilize the rhymes to full effect and organize it better for the readers. When works are not broken up and instead presented in large walls, it turns readers away or gives them a sour perspective coming into their critique. Breaking it up into stanzas would also work towards increasing the slow, which at the moment is sitting on the fence.
Best spot of course to split it up would be at the change in rhyme, so really you just need to make a few edits considering that. The consistency of the rhyme is good but you might want to switch to an alternating pattern. The same base rhyme over and over again, eventually becomes annoying to the viewer, where the effect burns off. When writing poetry, it's half about getting your emotions out and the other half is about getting the emotions across. Some of them I get but other ones are just floating in the limbo. You might want to press these points onto the reader more, so they can really get the state of mind you were in when these events happened.
Overall the message is okay and simple, the story of someone going through tragic things and 'rising up' again. I've seen the phoenix analogy in lots and lots of works but every time I see it, I want to see the new twist that people will put on it. Yours is about the same as all other pieces I've seen of like quality, but I'm gonna leave you a like anyways.
Happy #RevMo .
~Liz
Hello, Phoenix! Congratulations on your first submission to YWS!
My name's Lupa, and I'm here to review your work. Let's get started.
1) While your beginning is pretty good, I feel like you could've added more details to really hook the reader. Here it is:
But you can elaborate so much on these first four lines. For example, you could do something like this:
You don't have to use my example, but you can add more details to make it a memorable beginning.
2) This poem is a big block of text, and if you broke it up into stanzas it would be easier to take in. Every four lines, you could put a line break to show your readers that another stanza is happening. Like so:
That makes it much more clear to the reader.
3) I also want to talk about your rhyme scheme. At first you have a steady AAAA BBBB thing going, but later it goes sort of ABAB and ABCB and all types of funky changes. If you can, keep it constant so you can avoid breaking the flow of the poem.
Overall, your poem was a very interesting read. Your idea was original, and your last line really brought the whole thing together. Great job on this work! I hope to see more of your writing around YWS soon. Keep working and improving, Phoenix!
XOX,
Lupa22
As I said, this is my first submission to the website (can I get a "woot woot?"), but mercy is really not required from you, the reader. Be brutal or compassionate with your comments or reviews; I don't really care. At best, this poem will get better. At worst, I'll have myself a nice, long laugh at your or my expense.
Happy Reviewing,
Phoenix
woot woot ((sorry I had to))
I'll review it, but I'm no good at poetry so it's just a warning