Young Writers Society

Hi Horisun!

First Impressions

The atmosphere was scary and tense at first. I *knew* that voice was going to be Jasmine’s after reading the last chapter :0 Kim using her powers on the reanimated alligator was really cool. I felt so relieved after she managed to stop it. After the main action, and Kim woke up in Jasmine’s house, it became a bit more disoriented and somehow comical. I like the banter between Kim and Jasmine – I get the sense their dynamic is going to be an important one in the story.

Plot and Characters

I like how Kim’s powers are developing here. It does feel like she learnt them a bit quickly, but I can imagine that a life-or-death situation and the adrenaline could trigger her skill to grow suddenly, and we did have some build up to this with the necromancy lessons in the previous chapter, so it felt believable enough.

Kim also seems to have taken a leap in bravery now that she’s having to save someone’s life, and I like that for her. The dialogue also shows her increased confidence, for example “I’ll tell you what we’ll do; we’ll simply walk down the hill and not aggravate it.” I’m still not 100% sure how I’d describe Jasmine’s personality, but maybe I’ll figure that out as I read more chapters with her in it.

The obvious occurs to me- if neither grandma nor I resurrected the alligator, than who did? Come to think of it, she also said the monster that attacked me was undead as well. My stomach aches, and I have to squelch down my fear.

Grandma swims through the trees like a fish darting down a stream.

I straighten my spine and waltz up the hill.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKayy so we have Kim charging right out there for her first sort of recue mission scenario, but I have to say honestly this ends ups makingme a tad bit more concerned for Kim and her wellbeing than excited for the fact that does seem to have learnt enough new things to use here powers a bit more.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Grandma is halfway out the door when I run after her. “Go back inside, Kimberly.” She says when she sees me. She’s holding her gun. It makes me sick.

“No.” I say, tilting my head back in defiance, “That was Jasmine.”

“Who?” She asks, turning away from me and pacing down the path.

“The girl from the grocery place.” I say.

Grandma doesn’t respond, so I follow her into the woods. There’s another scream. This one is quieter than the first, or farther away. I clench my fists. It’s definitely Jasmines.

I remember the way the undead things hands wrapped around my throat and walk faster. Grandma swims through the trees like a fish darting down a stream. She knows right where to put her foot and when to duck. I try to copy her movements, but I stumble and trip.

“Help!” Jasmine screams, “Help me!”

I burst into a run, barreling past Grandma, “Kimberly, wait-“ she starts, but I don’t listen. I’m halfway gone already.

“Jasmine?” I call, “It’s me, Kim!”

I exhale, and hurry towards the sound. I dodge between two trees and look up to see a grave on a hill. Jasmine stands atop it, her back pressed against a gravestone. She’s turned away from me, looking at something at the base of the mound.

“What is it?” I yell. She looks at me, and even from my vantage point, I can see the terror reflected in her glasses. I straighten my spine and waltz up the hill.

In the moment it takes me, she’s across the graveyard and ducked behind another tombstone. Her fingers are too her lips and she’s telling me to hush.

It’s definitely dead. I can tell by the way it moves. With each step, it’s legs crunch beneath its weight. And it doesn’t seem to be stitched up that well, either. It’s clearly not Grandma’s handywork, if the hare was any indication.

It used to be an alligator if I had to guess. Though all it’s appendages were bent at weird angles, like the legs had been screwed on wrong, so it was really hard to tell. Both its eyes had been plucked out of its head, and it seemed to be going by smell and hearing alone. If dead things can smell and hear, I think, another thing I’ll have to ask Grandma.

Jasmine crawls towards me, and grabs my wrist, “What’re we going to do?” She asks, her eyes so wide, I think they might bulge out of her head. I snatch my hand away.

She stares at me like I’m insane, “It chased me all the way here from your house.” She says, “It’ll just chase us down there, too.”

I frown at her. The obvious occurs to me- if neither grandma nor I resurrected the alligator, than who did? Come to think of it, she also said the monster that attacked me was undead as well. My stomach aches, and I have to squelch down my fear.

“That’s an alligator?” Jasmine hisses.

“Hush.”

I close my eyes, inhaling softly. I felt the air for the familiar weight. There was a lot of noise buzzing around me radiating off of truly dead things, but only one of which was undead. The alligator. I focus in on it. It was more difficult than the frogs, fish, or hare, but I felt confident it still fell within my domain.

Suddenly, I felt the same things as the monster. My legs ache, flooding my body with agony. My nose twitches, and I hiss.

Jasmine pokes me, “Are you alright? What’re you doing?”

“Yes,” I hiss, “just saving our skins.”

Before she can even lean back, I force both of the monsters legs to buckle. Even with my eyes closed, I feel it collapse to the ground at the base of the hill. The life magic left within it bleeds away, and by the time I open my eyes, the thing is back to being dead.

I turn to Jasmine. She’s standing now, looking down at the alligator. Her eyes dart back to me, “How did you do that?” She asks, her eyes wide.

I blush and mumble, “Nothing.”

“You just killed that thing without even lifting a finger!” She cried.

“Hm, no I didn’t.”

My brain itches, and I press my cheek against the cool rock of the gravestone. Jasmines brow knits together as she examines me. “You’re so flushed. What’s wrong with you?”

“That is…“ I pant, “…a really mean thing to ask.”

The whole earth is spinning, and I can barely keep my eyes focused on Jasmine. So I decide to rest them, but only for a moment…

I shoot up, letting the frilly princess blanket slide off me and onto the ground. I was asleep on a couch adjacent to an ancient looking TV. A football game rages inside. It looks loud, but the volume is turned way down, so it only emits the barest of murmurs.

“Hi, you’re awake.”

I turn towards the entryway, where Jasmine stands with a bowel of fowl smelling soup and a glass of milk in hand. “Did you kidnap me?” I ask.

Jasmines face turns beet red. It seems inclined to do that a lot. “No!” She cries, “I saved you!”

I press my palm to my head, “That’s not how I remember it.” I say.

“Whatever.” She says, marching into what seems to be her living room, and sliding the soup onto the side table. “My mom made this for you.”

She sits down beside me and watches as I blatantly refuse to eat the carrot soup. It looks just as disgusting as it smells, worse even then the rabbits splayed guts. I do accept the milk though.

When I drain the last of the glass, I slam it down on the coffee table and ask, “Does my Grandma know I’m here?”

Is there a potential friendship between Kim and Jasmine? Perhaps. And why on Earth would Jasmine take Kim to her house? Shouldn’t she have left Kim for Beatrice to find her? Speaking of which, Beatrice is going to be very angry with Kim later for disobeying her. And that monster…why did it attack Kim? Is that just what the undead do or is there more to this? Great chapter!

I wish you an amazing day/night.