Published December 28, 2024
Spring melted into a sweltering summer, and inside the coop, Farmer Heath’s hens cooked. The rustling of five sets of feathers, and the pecking of five incessant beaks were as loud as thunder, and Henrietta’s small chicken head pounded.
She enjoyed the soft breeze wafting from a gap between the coops wooden paneling. She wondered at the jet of light that shot from it, which her talons could not touch, and thought vaguely about when it would be time for dinner. She glared at her arch-nemesis, Peggy, who coveted Henrietta’s spot by the gap, then preened her feathers to maintain their glossy shine, and, when there was nothing left to be done, nodded off into a fitful slumber. She dreamt of blue skies and ivory eggs, swelled to the size of the yellow sun.
She woke to the farmgirl pouring grain into their feed. The other hens had already rushed from their perches. If Henrietta didn’t hurry, gosh-darn Peggy would eat her share. With groggy haste, Henrietta fluffed her feathers and waddled down to the feast.
The farmgirl, who had moved on to egg collection, frowned at the empty nest Henrietta left behind. She crouched down beside Henrietta, and patted her head, which was not appreciated. “I’m afraid that your working days might be behind you, old girl.”
This hypothesis does not concern Henrietta. She enjoyed her dinner of corn and grain, unbothered. But the farmgirl stayed troubled.
She collected the last of the eggs, and bid the ladies adieu, before trotting back to the farmhouse far away. Henrietta settled herself beside the gap, and watched the beam of light recede through it, out of view. The heat of the day faded, replaced with the cool reprieve of violet nighttime.
But Henrietta did not fall asleep with the other hens. She stood stock-still, like a gargoyle, a strange tremor reaching her in the dark. A new smell perforated the henhouse, and if she hadn’t been frozen solid, Henrietta would’ve squawked in abject terror.
“Quiet, now,” came a soft voice from beyond the gap. “I am a friend. May I come in?”
Henrietta, ashamed by her sudden wave of cowardice, gave a quiet bok bok in assent. Her guest was ladylike, for a snake, and she would hate to turn her nose up at someone so well-versed in good manners.
“What a beautiful nest you keep!” said the snake, “And well-constructed, too! Why, even if it had to stand against the elements, I suspect it would hold better than humankinds greatest fortresses!”
Henrietta puffed her chest, proud as an eagle. It was true, Farmer Heath provided the materials. But the nest was of her own design.
“I need your help,” whispered the snake, urgent now. “The farmer next door found my eggs and destroyed them all. Except for one, which I still carry. He’ll be after me, next.”
Though most know chickens to be quite stupid, Henrietta quickly caught on to what the snake was asking. She inclined her head to the snake, and cooed, “Bok bok. Bok bok bok. Bok.”
The snake drew a long sigh, flooded with all the fear, love, and relief in the world. “Thank you,” she said, and began to coil around Henrietta’s nest.
-
Dawn came, light flooding the coop, and Henrietta dozed peacefully atop the snake's egg. When breakfast was laid before the hens, she did not abandon her post, and she snapped at the farmgirls hands when she tried to move Henrietta by force.
“Old girl, what’s gotten into you!” the farmgirl cried, nursing her finger as it oozed blood. Henrietta glared at her with one beady black eye and dared her to try again.
The farmgirl returned an hour later, with Farmer Heath in tow. He was towering, even as far as humans went, with a frame to match. Inside the coop, though, he was nothing but squished. He stared down Henrietta, eyes burning behind two bushy eyebrows. Then, he picked her up and tossed her to the side. Henrietta screamed, as the farmgirl gasped, and Heath grunted in surprise.
“Claude,” he said, “go and fetch the constable at once.”
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138,347 Literary Works • 672,106 Reviews
So whenever I see someone review a lot, I get curious about what kinda stuff they write. This is why I am here =D
And depending on how things shake out, I might read the entire folder ^^
Tsk gosh-darn peggy, really! Love the characterization already!
Tho small complaint: “the coops wooden paneling.”
First of all it’s “coop’s” with an apostrophe 😊 [That seems to be a returning problem for you. You might want to look up apostrophe rules or read over the chapter again to make sure you caught all instances :3] Second of all, I feel like something about “wooden paneling” destroys the rhythm of the sentence for me. It might be the adjective.
Oh I find the choice to show what the snake and the human say but the chicken speech is incomprehensible very interesting. I’d have expected it to be the other way around. I do like that Henrietta as the oldest is the one who gets to sit at the gap and also that she gets to make the decision to let their guest stay unbothered or not. Also chickens are super smart @.@
Oh no oh no what a cliffhanger to end this chapter on! I wonder if they found the snake or if it is the snake egg specifically the humans are concerned abt. I really like this first chapter and I could get really immersed in Henrietta’s view point, good job :3
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT NO WHY DID YOU DO THAT HENRIETTA???
Okay!!! Some thoughts!
-> Why would a farmer have only five chickens? It seems odd. Like, perhaps I'm a bit hypocritical... I am a farmer and we have no chickens, haha. (We farm HAY, not animals, darn it!) But like, the fact that there's a farm girl collecting eggs makes me think that perhaps they collect the eggs in some sort of commercial venture? After all, why would you pay someone to take care of your chickens if you only have five? But like. Five hens only make like... five eggs per day, on a good day, which is hardly a commercial pursuit! So yeah, add more chickens to this!
-> I don't trust this snake. Yes, I understand she wants to protect her egg. But also, SHE'S A SNAKE. (As a fun fact, a trick I've heard is that farmers sometimes throw a dead snake into a chicken run so that the chickens will eat it and realize that snake tastes pretty good. So, when a live snake comes in the run, the chickens will attack the snake and kill it instead of running away from it.) Anyway, Henrietta has sympathy for the snake, but would the other chickens have sympathy for the snake? Or would they shun her? Would this be something that Henrietta might worry about, or would she stand up against the possible ostracization because she believes this is the right thing to do?
-> I sort of wish you described how the snake brought her egg along with her because it seems like a kind of strange thing to describe. I imagine the snake would be moving like a shepherd's crook or something to drag her egg along? That might be cool! I also think it might be cool to describe the snake's egg! Like, at the very least, have Henrietta compare it to the regular eggs she lays.
-> Constable??? Why would a farmer have a constable? DUN DUN DUNNNN! A cliffhanger!
Okay, enough ramblings! As always, if this review doesn't make sense, feel free to ask questions and I'll try to make it make sense, hahah.
Thank you so much for the review!!
I did start out with more chickens! In my initial draft, I actually had sixty! It's not overly apparent in this first chapter alone, but this story is set in a fictionalized 15th century "Roman esque" empire, and according to my (albeit, very brief) research, farmers had, on average, 5-7 hens, which is how I landed on the number 6. But I totally agree with your point about it being a commercial endeavor! And besides, the more chickens, the merrier!
I did feel while writing the snake segment, my descriptions were a tad lackluster. I wrote it that way because chickens have extremely poor night vision. However, I really, really like the idea of comparing the snake egg to a regular one! Having a stronger description of it at the end there would definitely flesh out that segment. Thank you for flagging it!
(Also, love the fun fact about the dead snake. I learned while writing this that chickens will sometimes eat their own eggs, if they acquire a taste for it. So certainly some opportunistic eaters!)
Thanks again for the review, and Happy Review Day!
Hi Horisun, happy Review Day! Valkyria here to leave a quick review for your work. Let's get into it:
This is adorable. I love the concept, and the title caught my eye immediately. Henrietta is a very fun character. I love that we see her characterization in just this first chapter. She has so much personality. What is her problem with Peggy? I need to see the interactions between them. I was also not expecting Henrietta to get thrown to the side at the end. When I tell you I gasped with the farmgirl, I did. The humans do feel a little one note, but it's not a huge critique considering this story is not meant to be ultra dramatic. I think they serve their purpose well.
I would like to know the rules about the worldbuilding, particularly as to why the snake can talk like a human, but Henrietta can't, especially since she is the main character. It comes across as a little distracting. You can either make all the animals speak like humans (whether the human characters understand them or not is your choice) or keep all the animals making animal noises. If you go with the latter, you can still give them human like emotions and/or thoughts like you did in your work. It just keeps things consistent.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this very much. Henrietta holds her own very well, and the imagery is very cute and quaint. The premise is a lot of fun. The chapter titles are creative. I am looking forward to reading more of this story! Well done!
Thank you for the review! I have a particular plot-reason in mind for why the snake can speak decipherably, but not Henrietta. I was a little concerned it would throw people off, so I'm glad you flagged that as a potential issue. Happy Review Day!
How charming!
Henrietta's characterization is what sold me. She is wonderfully anthropomorphized without losing her essence as a chicken. For example, her petty rivalries with Peggy and her pride in her nest are hilariously on point for a chicken character. Beneath her clucking exterior though, there’s a surprising gravitas. It shocked me! Her decision to protect the snake’s egg is unexpectedly moving, and it's very human.
Honestly, there is a lot of moral weight here. I think that the snake situation itself is a clever inversion of the usual predator-prey dynamic. It imbues the story with a sense of subversion, a rebellion, but it also doesn't distract from the whimsy and fun.
Speaking of characters though, the human ones feel one-dimensional to me. They serve as important antagonistic forces, but they feel more like archetypes than fully realized characters. Farmer Heath, in particular, could be fleshed out further. What motivates his brusqueness? It can't just come upon him randomly. Adding depth to the human characters would give their actions more weight.
All in all, I liked this! Let the tension between Henrietta, the humans, and the snake sit longer. If you want her to show motivations, add them in the first chapter. This is your foundation! The more you build on, the stronger your story will be.
All the best!
Hi there Horisun! Atticus here to leave a short review.
I'll start by saying I love the concept of a non-human protagonist, particularly an animal such as a chicken that doesn't have "main character energy" (I feel like I sound like a boomer by saying it that way, but I can't think of a better way to phrase it). That's what initially drew me in, as I think I can safely say I've never read a story that was centered around a chicken.
My favorite part of this story, besides the uniqueness of a main character chicken, was the imagery used throughout. The vividness of each word paints a very beautiful picture that was captivating. I appreciate the use of specific words that draw the reader into the story. Your writing style is smooth and flowing, which leads to a chapter that is delightful to read.
One critique I have is that you switch perspectives slightly around paragraph 5, when discussing the farmgirl's concern around Henrietta. For third-person perspectives, there's a limited and omniscient perspective. In the limited perspective, the narration only knows the thoughts and feelings of one character. In the omniscient perspective, the narrator knows the thoughts and feelings of all characters. It seemed to me at the beginning of the story that the narration was limited, knowing only Henrietta's experiences and focusing on her thoughts, feelings, and perception. However, when you start to talk about the farmgirl's feelings, the perspective seems to change to omniscient. This is also true when the snake enters the story - in limited perspective, it would read "Henrietta heard a voice", whereas in omniscient perspective, it would read "A voice came". I hope that made sense! Each perspective has its pluses and minuses, and I'm by no means an expert, but the perspective shift was somewhat jarring to me as it didn't feel entirely deliberate.
The only other critical note I have is that it's a little confusing to me that the snake can speak in a decipherable way to the reader, but Henrietta cannot. I understand there's some comedic relief in a dialogue consisting of chicken noises, and you did a good job of making it clear through other context clues what Henrietta was communicating. However, it seems perhaps that it should be flipped; maybe the narration clearly states what Henrietta is saying, and the other animals only speak in typical animal noises. That may also make the writing easier, as I can imagine that after a few chapters it will be somewhat difficult to make communication clear if Henrietta is confined to "boks". Just my two cents, do with that what you will.
Overall this was a very enjoyable chapter to read, and I certainly plan to read more! The premise of the story and characterization was very interesting throughout. The imagery you used was beautiful and made this an enjoyable installment to read. As far as things that could be improved, the perspective switch in the middle and the animal noise versus human speech dialogue is something I'd take a look at in revision, if you plan to do that at any point. I hope this review was helpful to you, and if you have any questions feel free to reach out!
~Atticus
Thank you so much for the review! I chalk the perspective switch up to me not committing to limited or omniscient beforehand, and the struggle of writing a nonhuman protagonist. Because the farmgirl is more 'relatable' to me, I slip into her POV. Definitely something I should look into, and not something I did consciously. Thank you for pointing it out!
Happy Review Day!
Haha totally fair, I do the same thing when I'm writing all the time lol. Glad it was helpful!