Black Scale (a snippet of Ch. 1)

by Holysocks

Published December 29, 2015

In Books

A/N: This is quite rough.  Go ahead and rip 'er to threads, if you so feel inclined.

Levvy stood in the entrance fiddling with the hinge. “I think what the problem is is the foundation has shifted.”

 “Perhaps.” I say.

There's not a speck of light from the outside world. The only reason we are able to see anything, is for the odd lantern in Levvy's hand. The light it creates on his face reminds me of the way the dunes glow when the sun goes down.

“Would you get your dad?”

I nod and sneak passed him into the tunnel way. I walk at a decent clip, the smell of earth lingering around me. The tunnel walls were dug by my grandparents, and uncles, old friends and great aunts. The etching's from their shovels still hold them accountable. There's a lamp occasionally, lighting my path. But than it falls away, forcing my eyes to adjust to the dark again. I don't get far before I hear a rumbling, like the skies are arguing. Confused, I look behind myself. There's a thick cloud of dust, and I don't waste anytime: I run.

“Levvy!” I scream. The rumbling is growing louder and the entire tunnel is trembling. I scream for Levvy more and more, panic raising my voice to a deafening octave. By the time I realize what I'm hearing is the tunnel collapsing, I'm already almost there. I lose my footing on the loose gravel and tumble to the ground, my body jarring against the tunnel floor.

I fly back to my feet, adrenaline numbing any pain. “Levvy!” I call again. The air is so thick with debris, and it feels like dirt is coating my lungs. Something rams into my back, setting me off balance again. All around me is the sound of something pounding on the ground.

I can't even think of what just happened. Levvy. My heart bangs on my chest, like it's trying to escape. I'm paralyzed with shock. That's when the top of the tunnel gives way over top of me. Heaps of hard clay bury me alive. My lungs try to force me to breathe, but all there is to breathe in is soil, and it clogs my airway. I try to move some part of my body, anything, but I can't even open my eyes. There's a sharp pain in my chest and so much pressure. My fingers feel tingly.

Then I feel something around my ankles moving the soil, and slowly the pressure on my body lessens. Something sharp penetrates my thigh, and suddenly I'm rising out of my grave, legs first. Rocks and dirt scrape along my skin as I'm dragged out. Hot air blows at me from above, sending the dirt flying off me. Suddenly I feel something a lot cooler, and everything gets very dark.  I don't care about anything any more except the cool feeling and the sensation of floating.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Holiday30
Review
Holiday30 wrote a review Review · Apr 15, 2018

Dec. 2015, lol well I am 100% sure you wont finish this story, I would be a true fan of what I read if I didn't try to encourage you to go back and finish what you started. I love every word and feeling I got from this story, and in most respects I am some what I like the main character. If I feel the tunnel, or any type of danger is lurking around I would try to help whoever with me, especially if it's someone I care for. I love reading this thanks again for a tasteful story Holy socks.

Thank you! C: Glad you enjoyed it!

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Rin321
Review
Rin321 wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2015

Hi @Holysocks! CHRISSY31 here with a nice review for your snippet!

*Happy review day!* :leia

This was great! This nice little area from a chapter was so great, and full of imagery and description! There were a few minot mistakes though:

“I think what the problem is is the foundation has shifted.”


I would put:
“I think what the problem is THAT the foundation has shifted.”

(This was again minor)

Here is another thing that I would change- but it relays not necessary- but it just seemed weird to me...
“Perhaps.” I say.

You could put 'I reply' or something to that degree, it may just be me, but I think it sounded a little weird! :P]


The light it creates on his face reminds me of the way the dunes glow when the sun goes down.


I really liked this just because it was a great example of imagery, and it was really great to include something like this into a righting because just having little details like this makes a HUGE difference!

The tunnel walls were dug by my grandparents, and uncles, old friends and great aunts.[/quotes]

You would not put the 'and' before uncles because you are not done listing the people who dug the cave! (sorry if I am nitpicking!)

Something sharp penetrates my thigh, and suddenly I'm rising out of my grave, legs first.


This was great along with the end because it really says how urgent and the pain he is in! He know he may die, and the way you mention the grave thing- I really love it!

Okay now- What were they doing in there! Please continue this! I WILL hunt you down! ;)

PLEASE keep writing!

~Chrissy :)

Thanks for the review, Chrissy! c:

Rin321 replied · Dec 30, 2015

Not a problem at all! :D

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NympheaLily
Review
NympheaLily wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2015

Hai! NympheaLily here for review!

Ok I love your idea for this story! It is very action packed and I love it.

Nitty Gritty parts (or just part): The beginning was a bit abrupt. Who is Levvy? Where are they? What timezone is it? Who is your main character?

I love everything about it and I NEED MORE STORY. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ON A MAJOR CLIFFHANGER LIKE THAT (although I am being a bit of a hippocrate) PLEASE GIVE ME MOOOOOOOREEEE.

Thanks in advance!
~NympheaLily

Thanks Nymp! If you'd like to be informed when I upload more, let me know! XP

Yes please!

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EscaSkye
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EscaSkye commented Comment · Dec 29, 2015

NU. WHOLE CHAPTER.

SHUSH. I NEEDED SLEEP. XD

*hurries to get the rest done so she doesn't get eaten*

Good girl c:



It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe