Friends of Windows (open to title suggestions) 1.1

I stare through the bubble surrounding me as it glides along the field. People lounge on the lush greenage and read, or tease one another, or do cartwheels. I never learnt how to do cartwheels. I want to join them, I want to feel the breeze, but I’m not allowed out of my bubble until I make purpose of my life. My old life. My life. Inside the bubble, you can’t hear anything, smell anything, or touch anything except the inside of the bubble. You literally just have to roll with it.

The last sun rays kiss the hills goodnight, and those of us in bubbles lose control of our bubbles- the one bit of freedom we have in this place. The bubbles roll out of the field like marbles rolling down a Hot Wheels track, only a lot slower, thankfully. It’s hard to keep up with the bubbles but if you don’t, you’ll end up being bounced and rolled around like a hamster stuck in its hamsterwheel. I nearly lose my balance at one point but manage to catch up before it’s too late.

They stop us at the gate. The gate. Here it’s called “Exit 21” but it’s also called “Entrance 1”, Heaven’s doorstep. There’s a lot more ways to get out of heaven, than in, and they make sure you know it. They keep us in heaven during the day, trapped in protective orbs (bubbles), but at night they send us back.

The gate opens without any sign of who opens it, and the bubbles roll on out towards the end of heaven, the drop off. I thought they were sending us to hell the first time this happened. The orbe hesitates just before the edge, and then gently tips us over. There’s five of us in this group, we tumble and turn and twist and flail. Sadly there’s no escaping feeling like a trapped hamster in this case. I scream. Even though I know that I’m going to land safely, that I’m going to be okay. It’s still terrifying as--

I look over at the orbs around me, pretty much everyone appears to be screaming or look somewhat terrified. Then we hit the ground, and bounce. The bubbles pop us into the air and dissolve around us. Each of us smacks into the ground, free of our bubble. Only it’s not the ground we smack into, it’s a protective layer. Another protective layer. It’s a world of pavement and sirens and dampness. I actually enjoy the dampness, and the wet because it’s one of the few things that I can feel through the second skin, even if it is just the cold that I’m feeling. My travelling buddies shake themselves off and disperse.

This is Night 7.

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m here, and it’s confusing as hell. I walk along a street, some street, trying to recall something of my past. Something of what I used to be, what I used to do, who I was… but nothing comes back as I’m hoping it will. I used to think that this was my life, that this is all that I was. Someone that lived in a bubble. Someone not yet worthy of the spoils of heaven. But then I got a note telling me to try to remember. And it’s weird because we’re always in the same clothe, those of us that don’t yet deserve heaven. I woke up in a denim jacket with plenty of pockets - I swear, those pockets are what I live for - black jeans held up by a silver-studded belt, black leather hiking boots and - if you must know - Batman boxers. I’d examine the clothes I’m in for hours and try to think of what kind of person would wear them. Who the hell was I?

Comments

Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

Donate

Mon Mar 07, 2016 8:28 pm

View Likes

Sins wrote a review...

Obviously, I had to check this out.

You literally just have to roll with it.

That pun tho.

This is such a cool idea. Originality is something that makes me want to dance with glee like a hamster on acid, and you have heaps of that here. There's so much you could do with this idea, and you better post more because I want to know where this is going to lead. From what I can tell of the protagonist's voice at the moment, I like him. He doesn't seem uber serious, which is nice, and I like the fact he knows just about as little as we do about everything! You leave me with a lot of questions (in a good way), and now I'm all intrigued to find out more. It is a very short extract, and so it does feel like somewhat of a brief glance into the story, but hopefully I can say something of use here.

So, I've got a logistics related question. How do these guys (and girls, free the nipple and all that) actual fit in these bubbles? What do they actually look like, past the transparent hamster ball thing? Are the people inside them standing? Do they have to spread their arms and legs out to remain standing in the bubble? How big are these bubbles? Do they remain still while the bubbles roll (like in Jurassic World, if you've seen that!)? It's just that if they have to spend the entire time with their limbs stretched out to keep them upright, it surely becomes super difficult and tiring? I don't know, I'm just currently struggling to imagine it in my head a little, so perhaps expand a bit on that!

I only really have one other thing to say (useful, I know), and it's a stupidly vague, somewhat nonsensical thing anyway. While I'm assuming this isn't the full chapter (as you've labelled it as chapter 1.1) this does feel a little too short and brief (they're complete synonyms, but just ignore that). I do wish you could have spent a bit more time focusing on details, elongating things, delving into the protagonist's head a little more deeply e.t.c. It's just that it feels like by the time I got into the stride of things, the extract ended! Assuming there is another half to the chapter, I may be speaking too soon and need to chill the heck out. Quite a bit did happen here though--MC went on his bubble adventure, finished the bubble adventure, went through the process of the bubble adventure, and had some reflection time--but it all happened within 6 paragraphs. Just don't be afraid to really delve into things, y'know?

But yus, that's all I really have at this point. Hopefully I've been of some kind of help. I dearly hope you do decide to write/post more of this because it's definitely something I'd love to follow, especially as you've been so helpful with my novel. I want to return the favour, goddamnit. So yes, if you don't keep posting this then I will personally come to your house and slaughter you in your sleep <3 Any questions or comments, hit me up!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Holysocks says...

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and you certainly were helpful! C: I do have a bad habit of posting reeeeally short snippits- hopefully that will change. I'm going to try so hard to keep writing this! >.< I don't know why my brain decides to get tired of ideas. And I'm hoping to still write Glass & Ashes, I just needed a perspective switch- Mason was beginning to strangle me. Hopefully I'm not lying to myself about doing Glass & Ashes too. >.>

Anyway, thank you very much! <3

Sins says...

No worries, I'm happy to be of use! :3

I have the opposite problem and just post waaay too much, so I feel ya. If you don't manage to keep them going, don't worry, as promised I'll head on over and murder you xoxo

Holysocks says...

XD Okay C:

Points: 650
Reviews: 766

Donate

Mon Mar 07, 2016 6:45 pm

View Likes

Brigadier wrote a review...

Hey there Holysocks. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. I have been starting my reviews lately with discussions on length and those discussions do not seem appropriate for this piece. The most I can say for length, that is in six paragraphs I am hysterical and completely confused. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing yet. Now onto a more serious point before this turns into a conquistador coffee commercial. I am guessing by the length, that this part of the story was meant as an introduction. If not, excuse my screaming, why would just write this much? Please tell me there is another chapter somewhere. I can't do this again. I get emotionally invested in a novel and then the author just stops. *cue crying and handkerchief* Please excuse my dramatics
If it was meant as an introduction, I believe it would be somewhere around the perfect length. Just enough to get the reader hooked, but not too much that they are already informed about current events.

2. I don't want to take to much time on a couple of things so here are the base points for hook, spelling and grammar, title, and miscellaneous comments that didn't fit anywhere else. *politely throws everything under point 2*
i. The hook and title make an interesting enough combination that prompts the reader to come. Th title, no matter how well it works, is still incredibly confusing and I had to read through the story a couple of times to get the meaning(well my interpretation). Unfortunately, I was only presented with one part of the story, so I don't really know where you want to go. The bubbles don't exist after this chapter so there involvement would be questioned once you get a couple chapters in. Sorry I don't have anything for the title but I may later on.
ii. I don't have anything to say for spelling and grammar, but that doesn't mean nothings there. You may want to ask somebody else if that is the type of review you were looking for.
iii. Oops. No miscellaneous comments for this review. Onto plot.

3. The plot is extremely confusing and ordinarily, I would think, this would not be favorable to a story. This maybe a loophole to that rule but careful analysis is necessary to uncover what is actually going on. The plot has to be my favorite part of reviewing so lets move on to the fun part of this analysis. The story presents a very rapid chain of events involving several people in hamster balls who sorta get tossed out of heaven(or what is the middle called?) and land somewhere else. I am guessing Earth because it wasn't like they were banished down south or anything. I thought I would have more to say for the plot, but I don't. Thanks for the enjoyable story.

4. Well that's about all the time I have and all I have to say for your chapter. I hope to be reading your other chapters soon and I really hope you don't stop halfway through the story. Have a nice day/night.
-lizzy

Holysocks says...

Thanks for the review, Liz! Yup, I'm definitely going to need to revise this so it's less confusing. I kind of got excited and threw a lot of seemingly random stuff in there.

Thanks again!

Brigadier says...

I believe that philosophy has been the basis for each of my attempts(failed) at novels. It's not exactly random, but the strands connecting the pieces of web are just thin.

Holysocks says...

Uhh, that's not what I mean. I'm saying that I need to explain things better and not throw so much in at once. Whether the plot is "thin" I can't say personally at this point.

Points: 72
Reviews: 28

Donate

Sun Mar 06, 2016 9:52 pm

View Likes

SemperAugustus wrote a review...

Hey,

the first few sentences caught my attention. I was expecting to learn more about the protagonist as he looks through his bubble. I felt though that the chapter deviates from that and focuses more on describing the setting. I thought it would be better to show the character's emotions so that we get a sense of what he is like. I understand that the concept of the bubble is important to the story but I would try to move some of that information to another chapter since it's not directly needed here to understand what's going on. Also, I noticed that you used the world bubble a lot.
The character is also very passive in this chapter. It would be nice to see some kind of reaction from him. Perhaps holding on seeing the people on the grass. Also in the fourth paragraph, there is a sudden break. But the next sentence isn't really an action.
It would also be good to describe the other "traveling buddies". A little dialogue and a little more action from the character would bring more life into the scene in my opinion.

Hope this helps.

Holysocks says...

Thanks for the review!

SemperAugustus says...

No problem. If you could review my prologue, that'd be great!

Holysocks says...

Can I have a link?

Young Writers Society

Friends of Windows (open to title suggestions) 1.1

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources