A cool breeze carried the soft tune throughout the calm forest, a river bubbling nearby which crashed down a waterfall. A simple lullaby played on the flute. A young woman sat by a tree, skilled fingers moving across the buttons. Her silky brown hair glided in the breeze.
She looked at the boy who laid before her. He had a broken ribs from a hunting accident. The buck had trampled him. She offered him a soft smile as he struggled to breathe. He looked at her with a tearful smile. "I-I'm going to miss you, Lily..". The girl continued to play as he began to cough, the life leaving his grief-filled eyes. She looked down at him, setting her flute down. Lily's eyes watered as she looked at him. She let out a scream of sorrow and it faded down to quiet sobbing. "A-axel, I'm sorry..". She hugged his limp body for a moment before standing. She rubbed her eyes, but failed to stop her tears.
She looked up and saw the cold eyes she knew too well. Lilly's sorrow suddenly turned to rage as he chuckled. Now, she knew it wasn't an accident. The man stepped forward, a small smirk on his face. "Aw, Lily, I’m sorry but this is necessary. I believe he should have died in a bit more of a painful way for what he did. Blood is thicker than water, after all". Lily looked at him for a moment then nodded, running at him as she sobbed. She wrapped her arms around her father and looked over at her deceased fiancé. He ran a hand through her hair. "There there. He challenged me and lost. The punishment is death if he survived." He sighed, glad that his leadership over the most powerful mafia in North America was sure once again. His calm breaths were replaced with a shout of pain. He looked down at his daughter. She glared at him, sorrow in her eyes. "You deserve worse..." She shoved the knife she had been concealing into his abdomen.
She watched as he fell to the forest floor, blood quickly soaking the leaves below him. Looking at the knife in her hand and sighing, she dropped it. Lily walked over to the top of the waterfall and looked at the view of the sunset. She took a step, the sensation of falling overtaking her. Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. For a few moments, it was perfect. A smile spread across her face and tears of both joy and sorrow streaming down her face as if mimicking the waterfall. She felt a sharp pain in the back of her head and then it went dark. Her eyes opened to reveal nothing but white in all directions. The soft glow was warm, soothing almost. She felt no anger. No fear. No sorrow. Lily looked around and saw a door, stepping to it. She felt no sensation around her. Only calmness. She opened it and stepped through.
Lily’s eyes opened slowly and she saw a familiar ceiling and golden rays of sun entering the room. She smiled and looked over at Axel who was asleep next to her. She smiled and nudged her fiance. Axel stirred slightly. Lily yearned for the pure, kind, comfort from her dream. She grabbed the knife from under Axel’s pillow and raised it above her head. “We don’t need to live with my awful father, Axel! We don’t have to live at all..we can be happy..” Before she brought the knife down into his chest, he spoke with a calm, gentle voice. “Lily, we don’t need to die to escape him. He is the one who must die for his crimes. Honey, I will challenge him and stop all the horror of his disgusting mafia,” At this, Lily froze. Axel slowly took the knife from her and set it down. She nodded. “Very well. We will be happy..” Lily sighed happily and thought. My sweet, we will be happy together in the heavens. You shall understand soon..
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137,834 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Hi Helena, and (a late) welcome to YWS!
The other reviewer already touched the same notes I was going to bring up: this story has a lot of potential, the setting was confusing (seemed like it was fantasy, but then turned out to be a mafia setting), and the emotions in this piece.
What I mainly want to bring up is the emotion. In a written story (namely prose), there are two basic elements: actions and emotions In this piece, there is too much action and not enough emotion. For example, an action-y segment would look something like this:
Then, there's action. For example:
However, when you combine the two together, you get sentences that flow out naturally:
The problem with #1 is that it is too action-packed. Too much is going on at so little time without much detail. If character A does B, C, and D, but never talks about the development of the character, then the reader simply doesn't care about the character, and thus doesn't care about their actions.
The problem with #2 is that is can be too slow and not tell the story well. This is actually much better than #1, however. In certain styles, this method would be suited. But if there is plot that needs to be completed, then this method can be slow and frustrating.
#3 is the perfect middle-man. Put some action and emotion together in this piece, and it will draw more readers in.
Hope this helps!
Cheers,
Carina
Hi Helena,
Ellie here to give you a review. I think this story has a lot of potential. I particularly enjoyed the first paragraph and how you brought us into the world of your story. I think the potential of your story comes from the simplicity of the setup that you've created Everything you bring into it afterwards, the mafia, the conflict with father; all of these would be good nuggets for a longer work. But if you want to keep it the length that it is, and I believe you should, I would make it as simple as possible. As a sidebar, the mafia connection threw me for a loop. The set-up the story made me think that this was a classical fantasy setting, and the mafia conflict made think of the Godfather, which is 1940s New York City. Very different!
What is powerful about your story is the sense of emotion. The girl's lover is dying, and there is nothing she can do but comfort him. Why does the death have to be a murder? Why couldn't it have just been a freak accident?
Small notes -
This was confusing to me. I thought they were outside, in the forest?
You should start a new paragraph every time a new person has a line of dialogue. It's hard to read otherwise and much easier to lose track of who is speaking.
I also don't know about the ending. I think it works more if you simply this as per my suggestions, but if you do want to keep the bits with the mafia and the father, I think it would be more emotionally satisfying to see her continue on and fight.
Of course, this is the story I'd like to read. I'm just one person, but I hope I've given you things to think about.
Best,
Ellie