Hi Helena, and (a late) welcome to YWS!
The other reviewer already touched the same notes I was going to bring up: this story has a lot of potential, the setting was confusing (seemed like it was fantasy, but then turned out to be a mafia setting), and the emotions in this piece.
What I mainly want to bring up is the emotion. In a written story (namely prose), there are two basic elements: actions and emotions In this piece, there is too much action and not enough emotion. For example, an action-y segment would look something like this:
#1: Jane went from home to work. Then she went to get coffee at the C-store, and then back to work. Afterwards, she went back to her home and read.
Then, there's action. For example:
#2: Jane freaked out when she slept in, and rushed her entire morning. Because of this, she feels very tired. She can't wait to be done with work.
However, when you combine the two together, you get sentences that flow out naturally:
#3: Jane freaked out when she slept in, and rushed her entire morning to get to work. She stayed up late last night finishing her book, and is completely exhausted. Right when she stepped into her work door, she knew she had to be under caffeine's influence to go through the day. Knowing this will make her late even more, she quickly runs to the C-store, orders the usual drink, and jogged back to work. At the end of the day, she is relieved to walk out of work and return back to the comfort of her home so she can start a new book.
The problem with #1 is that it is too action-packed. Too much is going on at so little time without much detail. If character A does B, C, and D, but never talks about the development of the character, then the reader simply doesn't care about the character, and thus doesn't care about their actions.
The problem with #2 is that is can be too slow and not tell the story well. This is actually much better than #1, however. In certain styles, this method would be suited. But if there is plot that needs to be completed, then this method can be slow and frustrating.
#3 is the perfect middle-man. Put some action and emotion together in this piece, and it will draw more readers in.
Hope this helps!
Cheers,
Carina
Points: 10085
Reviews: 147
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