A rhythmic beeping echoes through the cold room along with the raspy breaths of the figure in the bed. My mind is in a strange state as my heart lurches at each beep. Beep. She's still alive. Beep. Somehow.
The same image of her face flashes in my mind. Blood dripping down her cheek and her mouth agape in a silent scream. Four years ago that was. Exactly four years, six hours, eight minutes, and six seconds. Seven seconds. Eight seconds...
The heart monitor beeps on. I close my eyes, unable to look at her face any longer. It had not been instant. She was awake until that blow to the head. I can still see the scars on her. The damage done to her brain was immense and would leave her in this coma forever. Still..2.3%. There is still a chance she could come back. I look back at her, the scar on her cheek still there.
The man who did this is still in prison. I visit him simply to glare. Each time, he seems smug. Even in chains, he is happy he did this. They had told me that he was on drugs when this happened. I don’t know which ones or how much he was on, I just know he regrets nothing. Nothing.
It was an ordinary day when that monster decided to do what he did.Lenore and I were walking home from the movies in broad daylight. "Lenore, I know a shortcut," I said as we walked. I pulled her across the road and into a bar. No one was there so we simply cut through. I passed by the old familiar moose head on the wall. I stopped and looked at it as uncertainty crawled into my mind. I pushed it back and followed Lenore as she stepped through the back door and into an alley. Then I heard it. A gunshot. I ran outside just in time to see it: a tall man holding a gun aimed at a space where Lenore should have been. Instead, she was on the ground writhing in pain. Her shoulder was pouring blood onto the pavement. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The agony in her eyes...I wanted to take it all away.
A scream erupted from her and the man grabbed her. He threw the gun aside, I assume because it lacked ammunition, and put a knife he seemingly pulled from nowhere to her neck. A nearby officer was shaking me. "Ma'am! What happened?!" He asked as I stared into the eyes of the man who held my sister. I looked at the officer. "We were going through the bar as a shortcut and then he.." I trailed off.
A knocking on the door pulls me from my thoughts. I turn to see the doctor. He takes slow, calculated steps before sitting himself down next to me. "Are you sure you want to keep her like this?" He asks, gesturing towards the woman in the bed. "I'll think about it.." I reply as he stands. He nods and leaves me to my thoughts. Part of me wishes he hadn't.
Before I knew what had happened, the man was thrusting the knife into my sister’s flesh brutally. One horrid slice after another. Finally, he jabbed the knife into her skull. The officer was in shock. I reached over to his gun and blindly pulled the trigger. The man cried out in pain. Perfect. Right in the gut. I dropped the gun and rushed to my sister. She didn't move. Blood poured from ever stab wound and of course the one to her head. The red and blue lights I could see, but the sirens and shots were making no sound. I could feel my mouth open to let out a scream of sorrow but I heard nothing.
I inhale the cool air of the sterilized room and stand. The legs of the chair scrape against the ground. I look at my sister and hold her hand close, feeling her pulse. My hand reaches over to the plug that has kept her alive all these years, but I couldn’t. It would be so easy. I just had to pull the plug out and she’d be at peace. I squeeze my eyes shut and yank out the plug harshly. The machine stops with one final Beep. A warm hand rests on my shoulder. No, two. I turn around to see the doctor standing next to the bed with a comforting smile, but the other person there shocks me. There stands Lenore as she was before the tragedy. My heart skips a beat and tears roll down my cheeks as her figure begins to evaporate. I whisper three words as I watch her disappear. "I love you.." My sorrow is quelled with a warm glow inside my chest. Goodbye, Lenore.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi Helena! Back for a review.
Wow, this piece is great! It was definitely action+emotion combo, but more emotion because, well, you know. Your writing is incredibly captivating. I loved the beginning; it was a great hook, and led right into the story so naturally. This, in particular, was my favorite part:
Again, I love it! The ending was also a beautiful tragedy, but ended in happiness for everyone. I liked the supernatural feel of her 'ghost' touching her shoulder in thanks.
Your writing is great. This style is great. The story is great. However, I do have to say that is isn't as realistic. Here are a couple points:
1) You are absolutely right that comatosed patients often sleep for years and their loved ones have to make the decision to pull the plug or not. However, realistically speaking, it isn't as easy as pulling a tube out and calling it good. Also, the doctor would legally have to do end life support, and not the loved one.
2) The murderer was most definite psycho and crazy, but all murders have some kind of intention. Whether it be because of jealousy, political reasons, or just plain hate for other random people. It seems like the latter is the intention of this murderer, but in this case, it's usually: a) serial killers, or b) mass shooters. Serial killers still often have some other kind of intention, but they are also not messy with their work. Mass shooters are the opposite; they are messy and often have no real intention besides being psycho. But in this story, the killer is only aiming for Lenore, and I'm trying to figure out why. If he had gone through a whole crowd of people, it would have made more sense and just be as terrible, but for some reason he was really hell-bent on killer her. And he was sloppy in his work, stabbing her and all, for no reason. Either some intention, personal relationship with her, or a mass shooting could make this story more edgy and a bit more realistic.
3) Last but not least, the police gun. Officers are trained to not come into a crime scene surprised, so in reality, when he heard the gun shot, he'd also take his gun and stand in shock and ask the MC what was going on. Pulling out the officer's gun is also not realistic, and she could probably get in trouble for that lol. I also want to know how the MC felt when she shot the killer. Was she nervous? Afraid she'll miss? Felt terrible that she killed someone? It would be interesting to know!
That's about all I have to say in this piece. I hope this helped, and keep on writing! I enjoyed this one.
Cheers,
Carina
Good writing! While this is a premise that has been done a lot, I feel like you managed to add some freshness to it. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Your writing is so compelling and descriptive. I feel like I’m right there experiencing what happened. I love the intro and the brief backstory. The only criticism I would give is the confusion I have as a reader by not knowing what happened entirely. Mainly at the part of the backstory. When the officer shaked the character yet the incident seemed to go on directly behind her. That’s unrealistic the police officer would immediately check what was occuring in that alley especially if there is screaming happening. This is unless the main character was recalling of the moment that was happening, in that case you should make more clear. Then when the main character reached for the police’s gun to shoot the man happened so fast. Maybe you should build up to that momemnt so the audience can understand her thought process behind that. As well as the police’s reaction to her doing that. Because of how quickly that happened without a detailed description on how that happened makes it seem unrealistic. I may be wrong and that moment didn’t happen and she just wanted to imagine him getting shot, if so maybe you should clarify that. Also it is up to the parents I believe to decide to pull the plug or not, unless she has no parents which is understandable. Although the doctor would certainly not leave the main character to pull the plug herself. If she couldn’t bare to do that herself they wouldn’t make her do it they would have a medical worker do so. Unless the main character wanted to then you should clarify that. I loved your use of the beeping to desrcibe the sound of the monitor and your many other descriptions. Your writing is absolutely beautiful and I wish I wrote as well as you. You do extremely well at summarizing events that happened. So much so you need to have a little bit more description to aide the audience in getting the full picture at what happened. You may completely disagree with me because some authors have that style of writing where they prefer to keep the audience guessing with their vague writing.
Thank you so much for the feedback! Their parents passed away so they only have each other. That's why the main character has to pull the plug. I agree with your suggestion to explain and describe the scenario more. I've only recently found that I enjoy writing, so this story was bound to be a bit shakey. Anyway, thank you for the suggestions and compliments. I'm still not sure whether or not I'd like to keep it vauge or be more clear.
To think that you only recently discovered that you enjoy writing is crazy because your writing technique seems you have a lot of past experience and sounds like an actual novel like that%u2019s some high level ish haha.
Haha! Thank you so so much! I've probably been writing for about a month. Anyway, thanks.