Speaking is choking for you,
Your lips trip over words caught in your throat,
Their edges cut as you spit them out
And let them drop
You stand, your eyes half closed,
Your mouth half open, your friends half-forgotten,
Your world screeches to a stop,
The words grind out
With irregular
Patterns and
Inflections
Misplaced and pauses
Halting
And lilting, and
You can't
Breathe
You force out the closing thought.
The world has grown tired of waiting,
Tired of wasting the time you spent
Chained up by your own vocal cords.
Communication is hard enough as it is, anyway.
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Canary word: Present
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hey Hawks!
I liked this. It was kind of simple but powerful. I especially liked the way you'd split up the lines in the third stanza, it was really nice. I'll just third the idea about the ending, though. The rest of your poem is kind of short and sharp, adding to the feeling of not being able to speak, but the last line doesn't have that feeling.
~Amy
Hey Hawkie!
This is a cute poem, I know I myself have felt like this at times. I totally agree with June about the last part of the poem. I think it really takes away from the rest of it. You did a pretty good job with this, and I like it...keep writing.
~Hope
Hey Hawkie! Ellie here. This was actually very a decent poem, and I don't have too many problems with it, but I feel as though that there were are few moments in your poem where there was real lyrical beauty showing, but cut off by extra words.
Here's an example of what I mean:
I think it sounds better without the 'for you'.
Anyway, that's all. Great poem. C'ya.
Haaawkie,
This is cute. It actually reminds me of a poem I wrote a few months ago.
I don't think your closing line does justice to the poem. It's one of those lines that imply that the writer just needed to zip the poem up and move on. Don't do this -- give your poem the effective closing it deserves.
I'm not sure if I like the "You" narrative voice, because it seems like a direct blaming and if you cut it down to using 'you' just a few times, you may have a better sounding flow and read to this.
Nonetheless, it was good, because the whole scenario of not being able to speak or speak effectively is something that is easy for most to relate to.
Good job, Hawks,
Keep it up.
June