I just want to watch you
Soar so high above me
Swooping, diving, soaring
Forget that I'm still watching
Don't look back behind you
Fly on to lands uncharted
Fighting, crying, winning
Using all I taught you
Touch the stars now so close
Touch the moon closer still
Striving, living, dying,
All are utmost glory.
Don't look down below you,
Lest you turn and see me
Forget that if you chance to fall,
I'm still here to catch you.
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Canary word: Present
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hey there, Hawksie! June here!
SO! Pay attention to the things the previous reviewers pointed out. They have a point! Now, for my shred...
I don't like the in-stanza repetition of soar. It's too close to flow smoothly, dear, and to be honest, the third line doesn't actually fit. If you had said "Watch you swoop, dive, and soar" I think it would be better, because you're speaking in future tense, and then switch to present.
Mkay! I noticed that this third line is a structural thing in this poem, but it's not working too well. The ing words take away from the rest of the poem, putting a stop to things, for this line, and it sounds a tad out of place, dear.
I don't like the repetition of touch, nor do I like the first line. XD *mean*
If you had said "the stars are so close now", it would sound a lot better. For now, it sounds as if you're trying to achieve a fancy wording or something-- and it kind of sounds off.
But, this is good! It's an excellent closing-- none of the ing third line, perfect wording, and a wonderful flow, Hawkie. Nice work on this stanza-- it is definitely my favorite!
I think it was a good poem, overall. I felt like you were pressing it too hard in some spots, specifically with the third/ing line-- that kind of threw me off a bit, but otherwise, I found it thoroughly enjoyable.
Keep it up, Hawks! You're pretty good!
June
Hiya Hawkie! Here your overall review of your prize.
Rhyme:
You don't need to have rhyme here. I actually think this kind of poem would flow better without any of it!
Example:
Right here, the last sentence seems out of place, as if it was just added to have a similarity with the one above.
That was the only place where there was any possible rhyming, since the rest of the poem doesn't has any.
Structure:
You kept your structure in line, four stanzas of four verses. Nice. But one thing though, be careful with keeping the same scheme, since when a poem goes one for too long it can become boring and like a song that goes on and on without any change. Boring
Flow:
Your flow was ok, a bit sketchy at some points, nothing really big.
Meaning:
Here is where it got more confusing. You have a lot of good ideas flying around, but you need to catch one and make only that one the theme of your poem. I'm seeing hurt, but then flying. Forgetting, but remembering. It's all bit too confusing.
Words:
There are some lines were you seem to have eaten some words, instead of writing them out. AS in they are missing.
Example:
Tense issues:
There were some tenses I think we're a bit messed up.
Example:
This would flow better if read like an advise, like 'Use all I taught you'.
Overall: it was a nice read, but nothing to blow my mind away. it has good potential, and I think you can make it to something far greater!
-Kat-
<~= I'm first reviewer!!
Onto the review:
When you put the word 'You' at the end of two of the lines, and at the beginning and end no less, it made it sound off and like a rhyme when the poem is clearly not a rhyming one. I would suggest instead of "Don't look back behind you" "Don't turn your head behind" or something of the sort
You also have a three verb spot on the third line of every stanza:
but in the last one you change it. I think this makes it interesting, and lovely to read
I don't understand this line:
it doesn't make sence, did you perhaps mean "All have the utmost glory" ? or, again, something along those lines
You also put periods at the end of the last two stanza's, but not on the first. Poetry usually does not have periods, so I would suggest taking these out. But you could also put some in at the end of the first two.
I love this poem, the meaning, the flow, it is very good all-in-all. I hope my review was helpful!!