Young Writers Society

Four roses grew in the hidden glade,
Four roses, tall and bright,
With velvet petals all adorned.
Surrounded by a shining light.
The first rose was purest white, rhyming is too forced
Beautiful as the rising sun,
It stood for the simple innocence
Of love when it's first begun.
The second rose was fairest pink,
It stood for that first glad dance,
The sweetness of their clasped hands
The joy of their romance.
The third rose was shining red, [b]shining red.. shining red. shining isn't the word I'd use[b]
As love at its zenith height.
Sentiments may fade, but the emerging love
Is refined and contrite.
The fourth rose was deepest black,
It stood for bitter death.
A mourning girl by her lover's side,
His final gasping breath.
As I saw these roses four,
Their colors seemed to blend,
And I knew that together they stood for love,
From its beginning to the end.

Overall: a sweet little poem, a little cliche but that's alright! Good imagery. Watch your word choice in some places... don't rhyme just for the sake of rhyming! Sorry about the short review. I'm pooped today, just did a whole essay while I'm sick

Anyways, keep writing, I enjoyed it!
8/10


SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired!
Tennis!

Hawkie, my dear, that was stunning.

You've really captured this well and I commend you. I absolutely loved it. Gold star for you!

Seriously, I'm having trouble coming up with any criticism beyond the line lengths. That could use a little work, but when I did the "read-it-aloud" test, it was the first one where I've been left with nothing to say. Normally I'm good at picking out flaws in writing - being the kind of geek whose Twilight books are covered in red annotations - but here, I'm afraid you've left me without complaint.

Seriously... wow!

Hope I helped, although I can't see how
~Grin

Oh, Hawkie, this is wonderful! You've used rhyme in this great way, it doesn't feel forced a t all so I really commend you for that. You've kept the emotion there too, and the story you're telling flows seamlessly throughout. The syllable count, I agree, can be a little off, but overall you've done a wonderful job here!

~Amy

hello.

i really loved this. i remembered our lesson in english last month..about a sick rose because of an invisible worm who slowly killed her, and the last rose of the poem, the black one, reminded me of that.

great idea and nice poem.

keep it up.

love this.

And I knew that together they stood for love,
From its beginning to the end.

Oh, Hawkie! This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read! Bravo, bravo! Encore!













~Cheez_Burger~

Excellent !!!!!!!!!! Fantastic !!!!!!!!!! Love it ...Very Beautiful...

Slandie

This is so beautiful! I really loved it, and the fact that roses are my favorite flower just made me love it all the more! The stanza about the black rose took me by surprise (I was expecting a blue or purple or yellow rose) but once I finished the poem it really fit in well. In fact, it turned out to be my favorite stanza since it adds a bit of a serious tone to the poem.

I really, really enjoyed your poem, but I do agree with everyone else regarding syllable count. It did throw off the flow of the poem a bit, but not really enough to bother me much. Overall, you did a fantastic job and I'm very tempted to memorize this now! ^^

~Becki

I agree with the things about the syllable count that other people have said. I think it would help the poem flow better but it is beautiful already. You had beautiful symbolism in this piece, the imagery was great. Good job, Hawkie! I'm going to give you a star .

~peanut~

Wow that was simply beautiful i love this!!!!!! Especially the fourth rose so sad but so stunnning. I cant wait to read more from you

Aw, cute!

I remember a long, long time ago hearing about the roses, and I think yellow meant something too, but for the life of me, I can't remember. It's like hearing a nursery rhyme as a little kid, but then not hearing it again for twelve years. Pretty neat.

So the topic was cute! As mentioned above, though, the syllable got scrambled a bit, particularly with the "Sentiments may fade, but the emerging love/Is refined and contrite" lines. The first line is too long and feels like you need to say it very fast and in one breath so that maybe it will fit in, no problem. Which, ironically, just makes it stick out more. In comparison, the line below it feels shorter than it is.

For the last lines of each stanza, the syllable count is, respectively, 8, 7, 6, 6, 6, 8. A little jumbled, but there are a couple other ending lines in which there are only 6 syllables, so it shouldn't seem too awkward. But it feels cut short, as if it were only three or four syllables for some reason. After a few minutes of staring at it, I'm thinking maybe it has something to do with your word choice. Looking at 'contrite,' for example, it's a very snappy, choppy word. Something you'd find in Orkish or maybe Dwarvish. It's we'd call a hard word. cont-- right there, the 't' is a stop, a hard sound-- trite-- and there's another. The rest of the poem seems to utilize softer words to match its softer subject.

While 'whisper' and 'contrite' both have two syllables, it takes just a half an instant longer to say whisper, or that's how it seems, because whisper is a softer, breathier word. So for that line at least, perhaps a change in word choice would be appropriate. In fact, as you read through your poem once again, you might find other words that you might want to switch out in favor of the softer ones. It'd only add feeling to match the peom, after all. Couldn't hurt.

Luck!

Hawkie, I see you've already had a quite a lot of replies. Yet, I'm still going to comment ^_^
This is really a beautiful poem; magnificent work here, Hawk. I honestly don't find any problems with it, so this review will be relatively short compared to my others.
What I really like is how clearly I can see and understand this poem, and I felt the emotions as the poem's words were read in my head. Fabulous.
Please share more. If you ever need a longer review, with more critiques, feel free to PM me. I'm always free for reviews.
Have a good day,
Mizzle

I loved this poem of yours it was properly expressed and your use of words were cool kee up the good work.

I love the idea of this poem! Very creative

Critique:

So, the first thing that caught my eye was the syllable count. It is a tad off, and in the last stanza it takes away from the rhythm. Let me show you what I mean:

Hawkie wrote:Four roses grew in the hidden glade, 9
Four roses, tall and bright, 6
With velvet petals all adorned. 8
Surrounded by a shining light. 8

The first rose was purest white, 7
Beautiful as the rising sun, 8
It stood for the simple innocence 9
Of love when it's first begun. 7

The second rose was fairest pink, 8
It stood for that first glad dance, 7
The sweetness of their clasped hands 7[b]
The joy of their romance. [b]6

The third rose was shining red, 7
As love at its zenith height. 7
Sentiments may fade, but the emerging love 11
Is refined and contrite. 6

The fourth rose was deepest black, 7
It stood for bitter death. 6
A mourning girl by her lover's side, 9
His final gasping breath. 6

As I saw these roses four, 7
Their colors seemed to blend, 6
And I knew that together they stood for love, 11
From its beginning to the end.8

I really like it! In my mind, all of the roses seem too wonderful to be real. But that's what love feels like, so it works.

In the 4th stanza, you use the adjective shining again. It wouldn't be a problem except that the poem is so short that I remember it from the first stanza and looked back at it. Changing the shining in the first stanza into another adjective people wouldn't think of that goes with light, would make the reader even more amazed of your writing. Because then they could read it over and think about how you said it and realize the new adjective fits perfectly and beautifully, and never thought of light being that way.

I love how you chose roses to symbolize love. Before I finished reading the poem, I would have asked if you could say something about the thorns. But after the fifth stanza and reading about the sadness she went through and the death he had, that was just the right combination and amount of emotion for the whole poem altogether.

What BlindManBop was saying about the last stanza, I understand how she was confused but I took it a different way. When you say:

And I knew that together they stood for love,

From its beginning to the end.

Thank you all!! Especially June and Sophia! Such great reviews - you flatter me very much. ^^

Oh, Hawkie!
It was beautiful!
I loved the first stanza, with the "hidden glade" and "shining light". It painted a serene picture in my mind, a little tucked-away clearing that was full of warmth and dappled green shadows. Yet, there is mystery and majesty implied... so that was masterfully done. (Too many 'm's in that last sentence!)

The third stanza ("fairest pink") really resonated with me. I think "first dance" is a wonderful way to describe a budding romance. Also, it might have been my favorite stanza because it's as far in love I've ever gotten... : )

The fourth stanza ("red rose") confused me ever so slightly: Wouldn't one think if one's love were at it's "zenith" it would be more than "refined and contrite"? The color red and a rose of the said hue are symbols of the utmost passion and love, loyalty, commitment, etc. "Refined and contrite"... It's almost like you're saying the love is still there, but it has somewhat withdrawn, and has become a "shy" kind of love once again.

Alrighty...now, the fifth stanza (the black rose) sort of surprised me. I thought you were going to say something along the lines of "a purple rose, as the vine twists and withers, the lovers grow old together" or something like that. But Death?! It was sort of like stepping into a deliciously warm bath and finding a baseball bat (What's that doing there?) Suddenly the poem had a more serious side, it was no longer a light-hearted metaphor of love... It was unexpected, but it did add depth to the entire piece.

And... (trumpet fanfare) the last stanza! So... love from beginning to end, eh? Hmm... This poem implies that love ends in death. I disagree. But I didn't write it, so I have to keep my mouth shut. However, the last stanza DID tie up the poem beautifully, because, (I'm going to have burst a blood vessel trying to explain this) the entire tone of the poem, first love-blushing glances across a room- to love's end- a body draped in cloth- is one view of the phenomenon of love, and the last stanza summarized that perspective perfectly. All together, it was a sensitive, star-touched, fantabulously delicate, fragile, beautiful piece of work. Marvelous job!

I agree, that is a beautiful poem!!

Oh, Hawkie! How absolutely, astonishingly cute of you!

This was totally, beautifully, wonderfully excellent! I love it!

The symbolization of roses was wonderful and coupled with the careless rhyme, it was absolutely brilliant.

My favorite part of this would have to be how you went gradually from white to black. Had you organized it any other way, I'm sure this would not be as enjoyable.

I think that here, you definitely focused more on message than on rhyme, dear, which completely makes a better poem-- not only to read, but also to understand.

It could be argued that some of these lines can stand a tweaking for syllables and whatnot, but! I don't find such a thing extremely necessary; the fact that these lines all contributed something to the overall message is what matters most.

Definitely a gold star, Hawkie. Beautiful work. ^_^

June