He woke himself up at six am,
with the alarm clock faintly ringing.
The shower was cold and numbing,
a reminder of what the day was bringing.
Soon it was noon,
the crowded corridors testified.
Stirring up from beneath the cocoon,
his ever-thinning patience died.
Shadows lined the roads,
as the wristwatch showed two.
He trudged back home,
there was no one left to bid adieu.
Daylight faded into oblivion,
as the seconds ticked to five.
He was shouting on the phone,
crying out to a distant hive.
Edged towards eight,
hands that they were.
Hopelessness faded in,
out came the reprobate slur.
The analogue changed to ten,
as the confusion grew loud.
Fingers curled into fists,
his mind began to cloud.
Then it struck twelve,
and he could take it no more.
So out came the noose,
as he walked out the door.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
That was Halloween appropiate for the bone-chilling factor.
It was a good read and I like the overall tone and subject, but a lot of it is unclear. It appears to me that a student is walking around on his last day in the world. That alone as a wonderful potential to it. However, I think that the off rhyming schemes shift the focus to the need to rhyme causing the piece to feel forced. My English teacher for my creative writing class would read this and tell you that poetry doesn't have to rhyme perfectly and unused words won't always get the point across. I don't think the images of a cocoon or the reprobate slur are necessarily needed as in my opinion it slows the reader down when reading it.
These are mostly nitpicky things. It is a wonderful piece from the perspective of the character. I think the last stanza was the clearest and my favorite. As morbid as it seems, it was the one I could picture the best.
Thank you for sharing!
*thegreyreality
Hey Hassanfs,
. Well, whatever you publish next I will be sure to read! Great Job!
Wow, that was really dramatic (but in a good way!). I love how it flowed and I also loved the rhyme scheme! I don't have anything bad to say about it, so that's a plus.
keep writing,
kitty4111
Beautiful poem. ABCB is my favorite rhyme scheme.
Some of it was a little off, but overall this was great.
I like "Daylight faded into oblivion." It's such a pretty line.
"there was no one left to bid adieu. " This line was what I was talking about. It just doesn't seem to fit. I don't know why. Maybe I'm crazy.
Lovely, lovely poem. Keep making more.
-M.P. Tigers
i loved the concept, and the rhyming was very clever.
but it did seemed forced- like when you said 'adieu', and it didn't really fit-
and the beat was a little off-like when you said-a reminder of what the day was bringing-which was a bit of a mouthful for one line-- and 'and he could take it no more', which, although it fit the rhyme, could be phrased more neatly and in-depth.
remember that rhyming can be the life and death of things, and you don't always need it for a poem.
i liked this poem. it was a good imagining of what was happening to the character.