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Survival: The Escape, Chapter 9.2

by HarryHardy


That night, much like the three nights that came before it, they spent fifteen minutes sitting beneath the stars. The protests from Aria, regarding the "waste of time", were rapidly dying down and the fifteen minutes was almost part of the routine now. 

With her mind the calmest it had been in some time thanks to the stars, Daisy set off into the dark hallways after Aria, Harry bringing up the rear. Even after several days of walking around in the dark, Daisy had yet to shake off the uneasiness of being out at that time of the day. Harry and Aria had both started to walk with more confidence, with Harry guiding the way, his eyes being the best at seeing in the vast blackness. 

Daisy, on the other hand, was still the one clinging on for dear life to one of them. The hallways at night were not on the list of things that Daisy would be getting used to.

Aria began briefing them the moment they arrived at their hall.

"Okay, so this might mean we go to sleep late...well later than we usually do so if either of you want to back out at this point I won't hold it against either of you. Well I know Harry is going to jump in, but Daisy, you don't have to join if you don't want to. There's a very real element of danger here,” said Aria.

"I'm in," said Harry, before Aria could even finish speaking.

"Count me in too," said Daisy, not a second later.  Aria gave them both a beaming smile.

"Okay then, listen to me very carefully and do exactly as I say," she said, "as long as we stick to the path that mom chose for us we should be able to avoid getting in any sort of trouble but things are always unpredictable so we're going to have to be as quiet as we possibly can."

“Alright then, now what's the route?” asked Harry.

*******

"Left, Left, Right," Daisy muttered to herself as they entered a maze of hallways. She didn't know if Mrs. Kane had picke the safest route but it was definitely the one that they were most likely to get lost in. Maybe this one is safe because even the aliens would get lost wandering around in here.

"Stay behind me," Aria whispered for the thousandth time that night. She'd been muttering that almost nonstop for the past ten minutes. They'd taken off along one of the passages that led away from the hall, this one headed for the sanitation area. After several turns that neither of them had ever taken before they'd found themselves entering a network of passages that seemed to be built like an actual maze.

On the way they'd stopped at two prearranged points to relay messages to people that had been waiting exactly where Mrs. Kane had said they would be. Daisy’s surprise at how crazy detailed tue plan must've been to pull that off was only dwarfed by her confusion as to where exactly his path was taking them.

As they were about to round what must've been the tenth corner for the day, Aria held up her palm in a stop gesture. Harry came to a stop behind her and Daisy who was bringing up the rear also froze in place. 

Aria gestured at the two of them to wait as she made her way to a man peeking out from behind an almost hidden doorway in the hall. If Daisy remembered correctly from school, that led to the sanitation area. She'd had a reason to visit that area but because of the whole sanitation thing she knew that there was technically no rule against anyone visiting that area of the camp at night. Things like malfunctioning toilets and other such plumbing and sanitation related issues couldn't really wait sometimes. Mrs. Kane had certainly come up with a clever plan. Even if they were discovered they were technically allowed to be here provided they could come up with a reasonable excuse. She assumed that the notifying to be done in more controlled areas had all been assigned to actual adults.


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Sat Oct 02, 2021 12:35 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

This part seemed a bit bumpy I have to say. At least the beginning had this weird feeling like I was walking barefoot over gravel or something. You manage to make the repetition of several words here, which makes for an impaired reading experience. Here, for example:

That night, much like the three nights that came before it, they spent fifteen minutes sitting beneath the stars. The protests from Aria, regarding the "waste of time", were rapidly dying down and the fifteen minutes was almost part of the routine now. 

Right your opening here repeats with this fifteen minutes and I think if you rewrite it a little bit you can make it look very different. At least in the first sentence, for example, you could leave the time out completely, and then put it in afterwards. I mean, they're not sitting there and an alarm clock goes off after fifteen minutes, so that limits the "accuracy" a little bit.

This also occurs in the next section, where you repeat yourself with the "the dark". From then on, the story develops much more smoothly.

Here I had the feeling that the story was stretched out more. I think, since I've already read the next part, that it's necessary, but as a part on its own, it feels very filler-like. However, I liked how the pacing here dragged forward through the dialogue, thus increasing the urge for new information. I see this part as an appetiser for the coming part.

Otherwise, I thought the chapter was okay. Sometimes in the second half I had more of a feeling that Aria was the focus, but in the end I think I got that impression because there are more characters involved.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...this part gets marked as "rapidly needs improvement" :D



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Thu Sep 30, 2021 6:48 pm
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SadboyJay wrote a review...



hi harry jay here with a review!!

lets get started

First off harry this was a good story i have read on that last chapter i read and this one was good harry i can tell that you been working so hard harry with these storys and harry you did a good job working for us and giving us some good stuff that you had worked on and we proud of you harry

Second my compliment is keep your head up harry and just focus on the support around you harry and keep putting your effort in to it harry

and harry how you can improve is just keep writing novels and chapters we looking forward to see new stuff from you harry soon more chapters


keep writing harry this is just a quick review harry i had in mind!!!




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Thu Sep 30, 2021 6:24 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was an interesting continuation of the previous part. Nothing much happened here and it seemed like a filler to what happens in the next part. I liked the way you described the journey through the hallways. I can tell that this mission of theirs is going to take a central seat for the while and it is going to be an integral part of te story. There is strength in numbers, and if they are going to come up with a plan to escape then they are going to need as many people as possible. Besides, I am sure everyone would want to contribute in some way or the other.

This plan that Mrs. Kane came up with seems to be quite fool proof. They seem to have thought a lot about it, and it is a little strange how soon they came up with such good and structured plans considering they only came to know about the damaged door a while ago. Still, it is going to be interesting to see how the group does in their 'missions'. I also have a feeling that with the inclusion of volunteers we are also going to meet a few new characters.

She didn't know if Mrs. Kane had picke the safest route

You are missing the 'd' in 'picked'.

Daisy’s surprise at how crazy detailed tue plan must've been to pull that off

I think the 'tue' was meant to be 'the' here.

One other thing is your dialogues. They are often very long and need some periods or other appropriate punctuation to make them flow better.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Ohh...so this is basically just them walking around letting people there's going to be a meeting. Its sort of a pre planned thing so they can coordinate it very quickly. :D

And we might just have a few more characters soon enough :D There's a couple of main character that have't been introduced, well sort of, the other two are meant to be main characters alongside these three in the sequels, and they get introduced in the second half of this one as side characters :D



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Thu Sep 30, 2021 4:55 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Daisy, on the other hand, was still the one clinging on for dear life to one of them.

Here you could be a bit specific and write who the person actually was. It just gives the chance to explore the relationship between them in a much better manner. Like we know that Daisy always teams up with Harry and Aria is left alone. So, it just made me wonder about it. Or maybe she can't even see anything due to the darkness and clings to the one she gets nearer.

I couldn't really understand how Aria knew the route. I mean Mrs. Kane told her, great but when? In the last part too, I had the same feeling that a major portion was left out of the conversation. As the last chapter was from Harry's POV, you could just include that Mrs. Kane told Harry to go out or something like that (that sounds rude though to tell a person who is the mosy interested). It can clear up something, otherwise these are becoming random elements dragged from here and there.

Fortunate that Aria succeeded at leading them. Maybe Mrs. Kane showed her the way earlier or maybe she has done some doctorate degree in remembering ways because remembering those many corners actually doesn't seem to be a very easy task, at least to me.

The sanitation area doesn't seem to be very important in the plot(the opposite too can happen, who knows) because that can't pose many difficulties in their way. Okay so an almost hidden doorway was an interesting detail. I wonder if that's a secret room like the meeting room. This can't really be the meeting room because that was very different from this but it can be a hidden one like that. Maybe they have hidden rooms scattered around. Quite suspicious. 'Aliens, you have gotta carry out a search' The humans will boycott me from the human race if I really tell them anyway. Who are actual adults though? I am very curious about it and I am even more curious in knowing if the age from when a person can be called adult still 18?

I should just say about the characters. Hey! I have pointed out one more similarity between Harry and Daisy. They both are very adventurous in their nature. I just wonder why I found that out so late... Aria appears to be bossy as always.

At times, the transition appears to be a bit rough. Like here:
She'd been muttering that almost nonstop for the past ten minutes

Here, the transition came along a bit too suddenly. Like first we saw them entering and then suddenly, ten minutes were over.
As they were about to round what must've been the tenth corner for the day,

Here too, I feel the same. Like one moment they were stopping at the spots and then suddenly turning the corners. It might just have been me though.

Also, just a very quick thing that make Aria whatever Mrs. Kane said her.
messages to people that had been waiting exactly where Mrs. Kane had said they would be

Here as we are seeing from Daisy's perspective, I couldn't really understood how Daisy knew where Mrs. Kane said they would be waiting.

Overall, it was a good part. I guess you need to slow the pace a bit though.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Ohh Mrs. Kane told Aria the route in the morning, I thought I won't include cause it was a bit boring. In the first draft I wrote that whole planning part but I cut it during editing cause it was a bit boring and I thought keeping the plan a bit secret would be more fun. :D




I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe