The guard stepped closer and closer to the trees they were hiding behind. Aria held up her hand, showing all five fingers. She counted down, one by one, hoping that everyone was in a spot where they could see the count. A wave of cold rushed through her as adrenaline pumped through her for what was probably the hundredth time that night. She was so used to it, it almost felt normal now. She held her breath as he reached the last finger. As soon as that went down, they burst into action. It was probably going to be the slowest and most careful charge in history.
A few excruciating seconds later, Aria was out of the forest, and onto the metallic concrete floor of the compound. Ryan was already at the door, holding it open as Daisy and Harry ran through. Aria was next to the door, and she took over from Ryan, holding it open for him and Kate before she quickly slid inside herself. She let the door drift to its closed position on its own. The hinges appeared to be in top shape and it made almost no noise.
She turned around the survey the situation. Luckily they had ended up right behind the massive back door of a transport. They were behind a row of what looked like seven parking spaces for transports, and all but one of them had a vehicle already docked. This was all new to them. The drone hadn’t been able to actually fly inside without risking it getting caught, so the rest of this plan, they would have to come up with as they went along.
Aria gestured for them to keep moving. They had to get a bit more of a lay of the land before they made a decision on which transport to get into. After all, they had to make it out of there as quick as possible and it wouldn’t do to pick one that wouldn’t leave the warehouse until the next morning or even later.
They slowly made their way around the transports, careful to jump past the gaps between the individual individual parked ones. This section looked to be filled with the vehicles that had been fully unloaded, all except for one. That one was either still full or full of empty containers ready to be shipped out.
Aria was the first to get to the very edge of the left side. That particular side had almost all of its parking spaces filled in. The parking space right near the entrance was the only slot not filled. She peeked around the side.
She squinted through the brightness of all the lamps surrounding them. The warehouse they were in was potentially the brightest lit room that they had been in for a long time. There were several types of lighting devices hanging from the ceiling, none of which Aria could recognize. She could also see several more transports parked in a row on the right side. There were five slots on that side, all filled.
A few workers were moving around in the middle of the warehouse and although she couldn’t make it out from her current vantage point, she assumed there were more in front of the row they were behind as well. She also spotted two metal platforms above the parked transports, with fences around them. Those were probably for the officers to survey the area although for the moment they were empty.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hi Harry,
Mailice back with a short review!
I'm going to keep this short and sweet because it feels like we're still in the first part. I like the sequel and how the story unfolds here. You don't directly notice how exactly the protagonists are feeling individually, but from the information we have, we notice a kind of "collective feeling summary" that helps to make it more recognisable.
This is something I've already noticed in the last few chapters; that the characters here are too focused on moving the plot forward than now looking to get a dose of sleep or just comment for once. By this I mean that no one has really grumbled yet and that they are all up for moving on, despite all the incidents. You notice that they are just trimmed to do, but not to question anything.
Other points I noticed:
Wouldn't it be better to rephrase that a little so that it sounds like Aria is looking to see if everyone can see her fingers first, rather than the other way around?
I almost forgot that this is all happening in just a few hours.
I noticed that this section stands out a bit from the rest, because I think that here, where the tension for this part should be highest, is lost in the descriptions and the text. I think the repetition of some structures only makes sense if they serve to help the reader internalise something here. Here, however, I find that it only helps to show the matter like a little side info. For example, I would simply paraphrase: "Aria was next to the door. She helped Ryan off and held it open. Only after Ryan and Kate had squeezed through did Aria follow suit.” This would lift the sound of the section considerably. (But it´s just an example.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thank youu for the review!!
Hmm...these last three chapters haven't been my best...xD Although the idea of just sort of getting on with it is a little bit intentional because this is the very last hurdle and they are all just kind of holding their breath and going through with this so it can finally be done.
Hey Harry!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a good continuation of the story. It did feel a little rushed at points, as if this was just the outline for the part and you are yet to go into the actual things. A part of it was because of your quick narration of events. The danger and thrill or even the excitement took a backseat, and we really only go through the little details we need to know in order to understand what is going on. That special element that brings the story and the characters to life is sightly missing here.
I think if you slow the pace down a bit and spend more time developing Aria's tgoughts, we wouldn't face this problem anymore. I feel like we are being told what to think and feel, and you don't want to do that in your story. For example, the part about the warehouse and the 'slowest and most careful charge in history'. Maybe if you describe the charge to us instead of using singular adjectives, it would brighten up the text and make the readers more invested in the story. Otherwise it feels a little bland? And we face difficulty in imagining the scene in our head. So there is this big blank spot there that's just taking up all this space for no reason.
I agree with Forever, there was a scene after the first paragraph that I feel we skipped over. You might have some reason for rushing through that part but even if you want to obscure what happened, you have to do it in a way that does not interrupt the flow. I had a little trouble moving from the first paragraph to the second, because I could not link the two. I could understand what was happening but it still took me some to adjust.
Plot wise, we are now racing towards the end. They have come so close to the goal, they are almost there! I cannot begin to imagine what you have planned next, but I am excited to find out.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Until next time!
Thank youu for the review!!
These last three chapters definitely need the most work....they were the most rushed after all..xD Noting all those down as always
Hey! Forever here with a review!!
Okay, so finally they seem to have got a transport. I am quite excited to see the area beyond the town. That would be very interesting to see. I don't think we will be vividly able to see that though in this book. Guess we have to wait for the next one.I got some hint of the beginning of a journey into the unknown, obviously their journey from the city is going to be venturing to the unknown alien world or the "Unknown Earth". Anyway, let's just jump into the review.
In terms of structure, I think this part was a bit rough around the edges. It was a bit rushed like the previous chapter. First of all, the transition between the first and the second paragraph. I felt that we missed an important scene there. I am actually a bit interested to know how they made it to there despite the guard being so near to them. Also is the term 'burst into action' very appropriate there?
Next, the warehouse. I am a bit interested about the items they kept in the warehouse. Maybe a ton of food items? I would like to know about it. It's actually a bit careless of the aliens to just have put guards at the door and not some technological locks. They would not have to see this day of the escape if they had been a bit careful. Like Aliens are after all aliens and not some sorts of machines. Okay so seems like the aliens have an extensive transport system. It makes me think that the aliens are actually quite a few in number. I am afraid that their number is more as compared to the handful of humans.
Oh the aliens have got their own lighting devices too? Way too advanced, they are. Seeing through very bright red light seems to be an ordeal for a human being who has kind of lived her life in the dim lights. So, the journey is being a very quiet journey. I don't really think the aliens will be able to detect anything if they whisper to each other but it's better to be safe. It is not going to be the easiest to cheat so many workers but it's not going to be that hard too. The metal platforms actually left me thinking and also with pretty much no idea about their purpose. We will discover it soon, I guess. However, if Aria is right, I ardently hope the officers will not show up soon.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Thank youu for the review!!