Mr. Wolfbane wrote two words on the board. “Circulatory System” . “So the circulatory system, also known as the cardiovascular system, is the organ system that permits blood to circulate and transport nutrients. It circulates the blood pumped from the heart through this system and supplies oxygen and other vital substances to cells, tissue, and organs.” He smiled and turned around so. “So if you’ll all turn to…”
Tekky’s paw shot up. “Sir?”
Mr. Wolfbane smiled, “Yes Tekky?”
Tekky shot a look at Rick, who face-pawed knowing exactly what was coming. “What is an anemic?”
Mr. Wolfbane sighed, figuring out what was coming, but still for some reason answered the question. “ Anemia is a condition marked by a deficiency of red blood cells or of hemoglobin in the blood, resulting in pallor and weariness. Hemoglobin is, by the way, a red protein responsible for transporting oxygen in the blood of vertebrates. Its molecule comprises four subunits, each containing an iron atom bound to a heme group. And yes. It can be caused by problems in the circulatory system.”
Tekky kept his paw up. “Is there anyway that an anemic person can get better?”
Rick turned in his chair to glare at Tekky, “Tekky…”
Mr. Wolfbane nodded, “Yeah, actually. One way could be to change their diet and incorporate foods like squash or greens into their meals. It would also be wise to eat foods rich in iron.”
Tekky stood up and laughed, “Ha! I told you, Rick! Anemia is bad for you and you need to let me help you!”
Rick also stood up, “Oh come on! You only want to help me so you can sink your teeth into me! You said my blood was nasty!”
Tekky slammed his fist on the table. “That is not true!”
Rick crossed his arms, “You spit it back in my face and tried to force feed me kale!”
Tekky blushed. “Okay… Maybe I was a little extreme… But I gave you that cookbook! I did it to help you!”
Rick yelled, and Shane almost fell out of his seat. “THE BOOK WAS CALLED HOW TO TASTE DELICIOUS! WRITTEN BY YOU!”
Tekky blushed more and sat down. “Maybe it was…”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hello! Your story is funny lol XD. This is just a little review to fix any punctuation/grammar errors I find.
Key:
My comments will be in red
My suggestions to add something will be in green
My suggestions to remove something will have a strikethroughRandom comments that you can ignore or laugh at
Spoiler
I found your story really funny! Especially that last part.
Ahahahaah
I hope that my review has helped
Hi! This was really funny! Did you make it up yourself? Here are some things I would do to make it better:
"Rick crossed his arms, “You spit it back in my face and tried to force feed me kale!”
In this sentence, change "spit" to "spat" because it's in past tense, e.g. "crossed", "tried"...etc
“THE BOOK WAS CALLED HOW TO TASTE DELICIOUS! WRITTEN BY YOU!”
In this sentence, I would put quotation marks on "how to taste delicious" because it's the title of a book.
Other than that, this gave me a good laugh!
-Lolosboing
Hello, Halfbloodcheetah! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it!
First comment: Now I don't go on Tumblr much, so maybe my question will be answered in the original post this was inspired from, but I was confused when Tekky and Rick started their argument. Like, why does Tekky want to eat Rick? Is this some sort of fantasy universe where people try to eat each other? Does Tekky need mental help? I'm a reader that skips important details because I get distracted easily, so maybe I skimmed over the answer to my question.
Second comment: While dialogue is important in writing, I feel there is too much in this piece. I'm guilty of that as well, but try to add some details, like the students walking into the classroom and such. Too much dialogue can be bad, just like too little dialogue.
Third comment: In one line: "Rick yelled, and Shane almost fell out of his seat. “THE BOOK WAS CALLED HOW TO TASTE DELICIOUS! WRITTEN BY YOU!” You said that another student, Shane, almost fell out of his seat when Rick yelled. While there is nothing wrong with it, the reader does not know who Shane is. I'd suggest putting "Rick yelled, making Shane, another student, fall out of his seat."
Well, that's the end of this review! Sorry if I seemed harsh in anyway you didn't like. You have a nice plot with funny dialogue, and I even learned some stuff about my body I didn't know. Keep writing!
Pastel
It is a continuation of other stories in my portfolio marked Spooksville. I have been writing shorts for this project for awhile now. Tekky is a vampire. Here's a link! Shane is better introduced in some of the other stories. Forgive me for not making that clear.
And thank you for the review!
profile/Halfbloodcheetah/portfolio/472244
It is a continuation of other stories in my portfolio marked Spooksville. I have been writing shorts for this project for awhile now. Tekky is a vampire. Here's a link! Shane is better introduced in some of the other stories. Forgive me for not making that clear.
And thank you for the review!
profile/Halfbloodcheetah/portfolio/472244
Ah, okay. That makes much more sense, thank you. I'll go give those stories a read later tomorrow too!
Glad you liked my review! I loved this story.
^-^ Awesome