Klyde smiled at Shane. "Dude I know our town is small and a little creepy but it gets better once you get used to it sooner or later."
(Flash-forward)
Shane, Tekky, and Klyde ran for their lives. "THERE'S A FREAKING DRAGON CHASING ME!!!!"The dragon came up behind him, snapping its jaws and spitting fire. "WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE A DRAGON?! WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN TEKKY?"
Tekky gave him a look. "Keep talking like that and if we survive this, I get next chase."
"I mean, what isn't to love! There are nice people..."
(Flash-forward)
Shane put all of his weight against the door. "This is not how I wanted to spend my Wednesday!"
Klyde had a wide-eyed look in his eyes. "Well... At least it's not that bad..."
"MY BANDMATES TRIED TO BITE ME! How is that not that bad!?"
"There are some great hangout spots."
(Flash-forward)
Shane looked down into the pool. "D-Dude... there's something in there."
Klyde looked over the edge. "Probably just your reflection."
A bird flew down and splashed into the water... and a shark broke from the water and chomped it up before going back down with a splash.
Shane was sopping wet and he turned to glare at Klyde. "I am pretty sure my reflection DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THAT!
"And there are plenty of fun things to do!"
(Flash-forward)
Shane laughed a little, "You know, last week we got to play hide and seek with vampires. Today, we get to run from a brain-washing musical maniac who destroyed my guitar! Gee! I love all of these fun activities Klyde!"
Klyde kept his eyes forward. "Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little..."
Shane growled, "Try a lot..."
Klyde clapped Shane on the back. "You're going to love it here... More or less."
Shane smiled, "I mean, this town looks amazing! What could go wrong?"
Klyde gave him a blank look. "It's better not to ask that honestly... But hey, you'll make some friends I am sure of it..."
Two hours later...
Shane stood up and ran out of the room, yelling. “MONSTERS!”
Klyde turned to Tekky. “I’m gonna go make sure no one kills him…”
Tekky shrugged, “Sure…” He watched Klyde run off, “Oh I love new students.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hello again, Halfbloodcheetah! PastelSlushie here for a review. let's get right into it!
First comment: While in the title, it says summary. However, it feels more of a prologue than anything. You're introducing the main characters, what Spooksville is all about, and so on and so forth. A summary is more or less something you'd put as the description of this chapter. Like, maybe something like: "There's a new student in Spooksville, and Kylde and Tekky show him around, promising positive things." I don't know, I'm not good at descriptions.
Second comment: On the topic of the story itself, I really like it. Despite it being the beginning part, you have characters with actual personalities that you would find in a real life person if they were in the situation Shane was in. It has real action during the cut ways, but it was formatted a bit strange. At the very end, I'm not so sure why it's in bold, while before that, the rest of the characters' actions are in italics. I'd suggest changing it to keep it consistent.
Well, that's the end of this review. Sorry for being harsh in any way you didn't like. You have a firm plot with nice characters with relatable personalities, it justs needs a tiny bit of editing to make it even better! Keep writing!
Pastel
Hi! I love this portfolio!!! So funny!!! I like the creepy humor you have in all these works. There's something I'm a bit confused with though. Why are they hairy and have paws and muzzles? Are they dogs or something? I think you should also build on Klyde's character because I've got that Shane is a newbie kinda wimp and that Tekkie is a creepy vampire dog thing, but I can't say the same about Klyde. I also think there should be some more substance to the series. Can you explain what the students look like and what types of "monsters" there are. Are they all zombies or something? Why is there a door hiding strange creatures in it and why are they being chased by very creepy things and have a shark jumping out of a pool and a dragon chasing after them? How did they get to those places? Is this just like a very brief summary of chapters you are going to create? Other than that! I love the humor and I think that if they are just brief summaries, I can't wait to read the chapters and stories that will go along with them. If not, I think you should give it some more clarity and backstory! I look forward to looking at more of your work!
-Lolosboing
Hey! Sky here for a quick review.
So for me, it was just a bit hard to follow the story with the really quick back and forth. It's a good idea but maybe it would be better to make some of the present scenes just another line longer and the flashbacks slightly shorter. Just a suggestion.
A couple of small nitpicks. One, there is one spacing problem in the beginning.
Also, at the very end you forgot a quotation mark.
Since this is just a summary, I can't say much about character development or any plot but the story does seem to have an interesting vibe to it. Personally I am a bit confused on what is going on. I think they have just moved but the flashback seems like many different times. Anyway, sorry my review is this short. I don't have much to comment on this because I think it was pretty good. Hope it was helpful
~Sky
Ayy!
So this strikes me as a sort of trailer more than a summary. I like the introduction of the characters with actual personalities, and the introduction of plot with real action going on during the cutaways, but I feel like what's missing is a single red thread that would connect the segments, which means narration from the MC. Not a lot of narration, mind you, but enough to keep us trailing along through Spooksville.
The idea of following a band of friends that is literally a band really intrigues me, and I look forward to reading and critiquing this! Obviously the formatting got the better of you here, but that's easily fixed with an editing sweep. The YWS editor can be a bit achey at times! But you already seem to have a firm grasp on your characters' personalities and where they're going, and I just hope their individual character arcs do them justice.
You've gained a novel follower!
Lumi