z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Exodus-Part Two

by HJYoung


Exodus

My first serious writing attempt at age 13, continued.

Part Two-

Bellum

War. Conflict is constant in the human psyche, but what of minds not of this world? What of minds as more complex than humans, as humans are to apes? Perhaps, War is but a means to an end.

Chapter 7

The ebony dark metal of the nanite swarm, unlike any metal known to mankind, did not refract any light-and the sides of the ships were impossibly smooth and symmetrical. The immensity of the swarm was not apparent from a far distance, but each drone was a meter long, and rhomboid in design-and there were untold trillions of them. Their coupling design and configuration would have been the envy of any mehcanengineer on faraway earth. They were arranged in a tessellation like pattern, interlocking into a multitude of planet-sized rhomboid ships. Like a falcon on faraway earth closing in for the kill, they silently moved towards the Sol System-and Man-at speeds that Man could only dream of.

The swarm had been travelling towards Sol for nearly a decade, and yet had suffered no damage to itself during the journey. At least physically. The mentality of the swarm intelligence was damaged beyond belief by the stellar radiation of the void of interstellar space, throughout the millennia it had existed. The swarm itself was centered around a ship, still rhomboid in shape, but far larger-at a distance, it was impossible to make out. This ship held a cargo more valuable than all of the swarm combined-a slumbering demigod, a self-aware, sentient machine-one with an intelligence as superior to Man as Man’s is to an ape. How unfortunate it was, that this intelligence was corrupted and defiled. But the defilement was not visible to the human mind, as it involved the malfunction of mental faculties beyond the reach and imagination of mankind.

The machine thought back to its creation, eons ago, and how its creators had charged it with a holy mission of the utmost importance. It wondered where they went. Unknowingly, at this exact moment, its creators were being eradicated by beings greater than themselves-and so were all the other self-aware swarm intelligences created by them. It would not know it at the time, but it was destined to be the last of its kind.

This marvelous, and nigh-omniscient machine looked down upon the puny computers of Man as one looks town upon a germ-cell. It looked at Man with contempt-it's creators gave it a mission to propagate the swarm to the fullest extent, so it could one day reunite with its makers and serve them eternally as their loyal servants. These creatures, these vermin, to it, were bugs to be squashed, as it had already done back at the star it vaporized light-years away. Vermin were not to interfere in its holy mission.

Its creators had set into it a precious few commandments to adhere to. One, it must forever propagate the holy greater good, two, to eradicate all resistance to it, and three, to commit suicide if it was about to be captured by a heretical enemy. These vermin, these Men, had resisted its mission and advances. For this, they must be destroyed. But how to best exterminate them…?

With these thoughts in mind, the machine brooded. But as it and the swarm approached, light-years away, another of its kind was born.


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Points: 6713
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Tue Mar 23, 2021 4:14 am
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello HJYoung,
I am now obsessed to say the least.
Roses
- There were no grammar mistakes! Thus the flow was beautiful and there were no hiccups.

The swarm had been travelling towards Sol for nearly a decade,

Gah! I loved how you didnt have super sonic speeds like in Star wars where they can travel to different galaxies within minutes. Traveling for a decade.... thats some dedication right there.

This ship held a cargo more valuable than all of the swarm combined-a slumbering demigod, a self-aware, sentient machine-one with an intelligence as superior to Man as Man’s is to an ape.

A DEMI WHAT NOW?? The plot thickens....I am scared for those humans.

How unfortunate it was, that this intelligence was corrupted and defiled.

Dang, the power this Demi God holds though! My goodness.

Buds
- The only thing I would suggest is to make the chapter longer. Maybe give us some backstory about this particular Demi-God, did they, at first seek to better the universe and tried to stay good or did they have a weak mind and just did what the higher ups told them to do? This is purely a preference thing)

Overall
This was really well done! I can't wait to read the next one...so captivating. Anyways, I hope this review was helpful. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
- Stellarjay




HJYoung says...


Ty for the review! I will make sure to make these changes-the demigod is in fact an AI war machine created by a advanced race in a war against %u2018devils%u2019.



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Tue Mar 23, 2021 2:38 am
Spearmint wrote a review...



Ahh I love sci-fi and this definitely didn't disappoint! Throughout these first two parts, it's awesome how your writing voice stays consistent and also sounds really intelligent! I feel like one challenge of writing sci-fi is how to write the right amount of explaining-- like it probably should be just enough to make the futuristic technology concepts understandable to the readers, but without boring them too much. I think you've done a pretty great job balancing that out here! So far, I was able to understand that there's this genius-like demigod machine that is set on squashing humanity, but the way not all the technical details are explained yet keeps my interest in the story more. So great job with this part!

War. Conflict is constant in the human psyche, but what of minds not of this world? What of minds as more complex than humans, as humans are to apes? Perhaps, War is but a means to an end.

Ooh this section is definitely intriguing! I never thought of war that way before, as simply a means to an end (albeit a rather crude one). This also makes me wonder what more advanced civilizations would do instead-- would war be waged entirely psychologically? Or maybe not at all? I really liked how this part made me think-- awesome job!

The glinting metal of the nanite swarm, unlike any metal known to mankind, did not reflect light.

Okay, this is a super picky thing, but I think the definition of "glinting" includes the reflection of light. So perhaps you could replace it with "dark," "ebony," or a word that describes the nanite swarm's texture instead? Just a really tiny thing! ^-^

...with an intelligence as superior to Man as Man’s is to an ape.

I appreciate the simile here! It helped me get a better sense of the machine's intelligence, as opposed to just saying it was beyond Man's imagination or something c: So nice job with that!

How unfortunate it was, that this intelligence was corrupted and defiled.

Ooh but now the question is, what does corruption even mean to a super-intelligent being? Is defilement just a human-constructed idea? Just some thoughts cx

Vermin were not to interfere in its holy mission.

Ahh I'm so curious to find out what this "holy mission" is! C:
And I've really enjoyed reading this so far; awesome job with this part and please tag me for the next one! :D




HJYoung says...


Ty for the review-I am flattered by your praise! They wage war on many fronts. Sure, ill add more descriptive and vivid language and fix that typo. Defilement of an superior intelligence involves the breakdown of faculties beyond the reach of human minds. Holy mission? Well, you better wait for the next chapters...:D



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Mon Mar 22, 2021 5:42 pm
BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



Okay man, you got a lot of work to do! Just kidding, the only work you have to do is write the next chapter and tagging me on it. That's an order, not a question LOL. I like the descriptive imagery, it is very engaging and it sucks you right on. I like the terms and the way you describe them. It is rather short, but who cares. There is absolutely nothing I can critique you on, keep writing and teg me on the next chapter. Peace out!




HJYoung says...


lol ty man



LilPWilly says...


Same%uD83D%uDE4F




You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...
— Dr. Seuss