z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Exodus-Part One

by HJYoung


Exodus

My first serious writing attempt at age 13.

Prologue

Through the expanse of space, the shining of the light in the darkness, is the light we must reach for, however futile. For there is no light without the dark-and that is where Humanity, masters of their world, will face their first and most daunting challenge.

The stars shone with a brilliant brightness, even here, light years away, in the vastness of the interstellar void. A certain star-not any brighter than the others, yet unique in a way: Sol. The home of Humanity. Millions of years ago, on the vast plains of the African continent, a few tree dwelling primates learned to walk upright on two legs-their descendants learned to use tools, to use fire, and grew bigger brains. Every step they took moved them farther and farther away from their animal ancestry.

Eventually, they learned to speak, to farm, to write, to smelt metal, to make gunpowder, to make gleaming towers of steel and glass, to harness the power of the atom, and, their most impressive achievement yet, they went to the place where no other being yet known reached-man reached the final frontier, space. But mankind’s achievements and endless growth did not stop here-first he unified the planet under one government, then he colonized the planets Venus and Mars, and got to work making them in the image of Mother Earth.

But then, a war struck.

This war was known as the War for Sol, an interplanetary conflict between two autocratic empires in the Inner Planet Alliance, the Martian Hegemony and the Holy Venusian Empire, against the Collective’s predecessor, the lunar ecumenopolis of Luna Orpheus and its colonies and allies. The war cost tens of billions of lives on both sides, but the advanced technology and boundless morale of Luna Orpheus won the war, and the Venusians and the Martians surrendered in 2112, after a full three decades of ceaseless war. The Treaty of Mercurius formed the Collective, as to prevent such a disastrous war from ever happening again. And so a golden age began. The Great Age of Mankind.

At the dawn of the 22nd century, as Man expanded beyond his small domain and throughout the solar system, Man began to wonder, were there any beings like him out there, in the nigh-infinite Universe, or was he the mediocre apex of life, unchallenged master of his domain. Man, in his infinite arrogance and ignorance, concluded that he, indeed, was the only being who had reached this level of development in the entire history of the Universe-that he, indeed, was incredibly special.

Little did he know, his rule was about to be challenged.

Part One-

Modus Operandi

How does one commit a criminal act when one has a mind thrice removed from human minds? How can you hope to understand such a being?

Chapter 1

Dr. Lawrence, or ‘Doc’, as everyone called him, was a white haired, skinny, and tall white man with brown eyes and a unassuming appearance. He was not pleased with his position as Senior Astrophysicist of ES-69, a research station at the fringes of Collective space, under the jurisdiction of the Association of the Sciences, located on the desolate asteroid of Eros. A laid-back sort of guy, his appearance concealed his great skills. In fact, he was one of the most intelligent people in the entire solar system, with a record IQ of 232, and with many achievements under his belt, with a Nobel Prize in physics for discovering the Lawrence Equation, an equation which was crucial to the creation of the first Kugeblitz black hole. Sadly, it only made his current job more and more uninteresting. His job was to sift through mountains of data generated by the huge space telescope drilled into the side of the asteroid, in case if there was something interesting.

He turned to look at his calendar. January 12, 2176. It had been a month since he first arrived here, and he was leaving on the 16th on the cycler. He was not sad to go. Ironically, his 40th birthday was on that very day.

“Why couldn’t they just place me at a place like Plucharon, where there at least are more than a few people around, or around the cylinder at Neptune, where everything doesn’t look dead and gone,” he thought.

“Well, at least I’m not stuck on Io, what a relief. Who wants to be on that hellhole year-round?!”

Only then did he realize he was speaking out loud. Shawn Trigos, an intern from the Academy, a young, vigorous, and attractive young man of 21 with brown hair, brown skin, and blue eyes poked his head inside Lawrence’s room. As the intern of the great Dr. Lawrence, he was a very intelligent guy, but also laid-back, just like his boss.

“You all right, doc? I know this job isn’t very interesting nor very enlightening-I wish I was stationed somewhere else too-but cheer up! We’re going back to Mars in a couple days on the cycler,” he said.

“I know, I know. I just wish that I wasn’t here in the first place. The only good thing about this place is that it doesn’t stink,” he chuckled.

Lawrence got dressed and walked to the observation room.

“Time for the daily survey, eh?”

“Yeah,” Shawn replied.

“I’ll do the observations today, you do the data processing.”

Lawrence began activating the telescope for the scan, and Shawn went to the data processing unit so he could run through the data to sift for interesting occurrences. Recently, there had been nothing of interest for a while now.

A couple of hours of searching had come and went. Nothing. This was turning out to be another boring day at the Exclusionary Site.

“…Well, it could be worse, and we’re going back to Mars in a couple of days,” he thought.

Suddenly, Shawn came into the room.

“What is it?”

“It’s an anomaly,” Shawn replied.

“Really?”

Lawrence looked at the data for a couple of minutes, then looked up.

“Another false alarm.”

“Dammit.”

Shawn left the room, and Lawrence began controlling the telescope again.

Suddenly, he heard a shout.

“Lawrence, come here! This is absurd!,” Shawn shouted.

“What, what!?”

“Look at this.”

Lawrence stared at the screen in disbelief.

“C-Call the Association, now!”

Chapter 2

Robert Lawrence, brother of the esteemed astrophysicist Doctor Charles Lawrence, and Chairman of the Association was being swamped by reporters from across the solar system, here on Orpheus One, capitol of the Collective. A well-built, handsome man with jet-black hair, white skin, and brown eyes, whose two characteristics were the only similarities he shared with his brother, as he was very organized and hardworking-and quite intelligent, just not as much as his brother. Today, he was annoyed.

“What does this data mean?”

“Is it true that Proxima Centauri has disappeared?

“How and when did it disappear?

“If Proxima Centauri is gone, will it appear again?”

“What does this mean for the Proxima colony? Has there been any signals from the colony so far?”

“What does this mean for the stellaser that was being built there?

“I am terribly sorry, we do not have any further information at this time, but we will hold a press conference as soon as we have more information about this bizarre occurrence,” Robert said.

Robert, escorted by his security guards equipped with graphene armor, opened the door to his lev-car, and slipped inside. “Chairman, where to?,” his robotic driver asked.

“The Association Headquarters,” Robert exhaled.

Very well sir, the trip should take approximately 5 minutes.

As the lev-car began to move, Robert began to think about all the things that happened today.

“Brother, what should we do, what should we do…”

Robert felt the lev-car stop, and he stepped out and looked up towards the gigantic pitch-black pyramid that obscured his view.

Somehow, it made him feel apprehensive.

The Pyramid of Orpheus One was one of the largest buildings to be built in human history-it served a purpose similar to the ‘White House’ of the old American nation.

Robert took a deep breath, and walked inside.

“I have a bad feeling about this.”

Hello, Chairman,” the automated assistant said.

What floor?

“The 1000th,” Robert replied.

The mag-lev elevator began to move upwards. Robert could not feel it, but he knew he was moving at hundreds of miles per hour-but he felt like he was standing still. The elevator’s arrival on the thousandth floor was signaled by a ding, and he stepped out of the elevator. The immensity and majesty of the room was great, and the contour lines of the glinting walls and ceiling bellied this work of art. He walked through the immense corridor, and into the meeting hall. Little did he know, that what he would say today would be taught to future generations for millennia to come.

“Welcome, Chairman! Hurry, everyone is here. Let us begin the meeting,” said his secretary.

Robert hurried into the conference room, and sat down at the desk reserved for the chairman of the Association.

“So, what’s the situation?”

“...”

No one spoke up.

“Out with it!”

“Sir, we aren’t even sure what happened,” said a young astrophysicist.

“Well, what do you know?”

“Well, on January 12th, 13:34, a day ago, ES-69's telescope detected a decrease of 99% of luminosity from Proxima Centauri... and it hasn’t appeared again since.”

“How can a star disappear?!,” shouted Robert.

“We can’t be sure of that, sir.”

“We have a couple ideas, however,” said an elderly physicist.

“It seems that something either is blotting out the light from the star entirely, or the star has indeed disappeared-both scenarios cannot be caused by any known natural astronomical phenomena,” explained the physicist.

“Your s-saying...”

“That is not all, precisely when the star disappeared, our colony stopped sending signals. Sir, this has only one reasonable explanation. This disappearance of Proxima Centauri and our colony is due to the activities of an advanced extraterrestrial civilization.”

A silence enveloped the room.

“A-Are you sure? We haven’t even discovered alien life at all yet. But, if what you are saying is true, do you think these aliens are hostile?,” asked Robert.

“Think about this as well. Everything that happened over there happened over 4 years ago. Whatever could have destroyed our colony and Proxima may be on its way right now,” elaborated the physicist.

“Then... what do you suggest?”

“Prepare for the worst-but do not tell the public until you absolutely must. Make a cover story that the star was snuffed out because it was absorbed by Alpha or Beta, and our colony was destroyed in the event.”

“Let’s have a vote,” said Robert.

“Say ‘Aye’ if you are in favor of releasing this information to the public.”

No one raised their hand.

“Say ‘Aye’ if you are in favor of carrying out our senior physicist’s plan,” said Robert.

All of the people in the meeting, 15 in total, replied with a resounding ‘Aye’.

“It is decided then. Let the preparations begin.”

Chapter 3

Two weeks after the meeting, Robert travelled to the Pyramid again to greet his brother. So far, the preparations were going smoothly-the press bought the cover story, and preliminary preparations were going on with the creation of a Grand Navy.

“He said he would be here…but where is he?”

He looked at his watch.

“Well, well, well, look who’s here.”

Robert looked up.

“Charles! You’re finally here!,” exclaimed Robert.

Behind Lawrence, Shawn was standing awkwardly behind him.

“Who is this, Charles? The intern?,” asked Robert.

“Yes, his name is Shawn,” answered Lawrence.

“Hello, and nice to meet you, Chairman,” said Shawn.

“Likewise.”

“I presume we have much to talk about with the Association?,” asked Lawrence.

Robert nodded his head and motioned for Shawn and Lawrence to follow him.

“So, what’s up with Proxima Centauri? It’s still gone,” said Shawn.

“…you’ll see soon enough,” responded Robert.

Robert, Lawrence, and Shawn got into the lev-car.

Where to, sir?” asked the robotic driver.

“The Pyramid,” replied Robert.

It’ll take 10 minutes, sir.

“Robert, since we are now in the car, would you mind extrapolating on the current situation?,” asked Lawrence.

“Well…are you willing to believe me?,” replied Robert.

“Robert, you know that we both trust each other,” sighed Lawrence.

“Very well. On January 12th, 13:34, you and Shawn detected the disappearance of Proxima Centauri and our colony. Based on concurrent evidence, the disappearance was perpetrated by a non-human intelligence.”

“What? Are you sure?,” exclaimed Shawn.

“I feared that something along those lines was the case…,” murmured Lawrence.

“Yes, but we are not sure what kind of intelligence it is and whether it destroyed our colony on purpose,” explained Robert.

“On purpose? Of course they destroyed our colony on purpose. There’s no way they didn’t know what they were doing!,” exclaimed Shawn.

“We can’t jump to conclusions, Shawn. What my brother is saying here is a reasonable assessment of the situation. What is the Association doing about it?,” said Lawrence.

“We are preparing for the worst,” replied Robert.

“A wise plan. How long do you think it will take them to reach us if we are indeed their next target?,” asked Lawrence.

“We don’t know how fast they travel-all we can be sure is that they likely can go much faster than us.”

“So, we have less than a decade, possibly,” said Lawrence.

“In the most optimistic scenario.”

“This is very concerning.”

“Do we know anything about the aliens? At all?,” asked Shawn.

“Well, yes. We know that they are far more advanced than us, and that they are likely a Type II civilization, given that they destroyed a star,” replied Robert.

“A high type I against a type II… this does not look good for us,” remarked Lawrence.

“We are not too behind-we have an incomplete Dyson Swarm, and we have the advantage in resources and the home front,” said Shawn.

“Well, if these aliens aren’t looking for a fight, it would be best to let them be,” said Lawrence.

“That’s a big if,” said Robert.

“We can only hope,” said Shawn.

Suddenly, there was a ‘ding’ sound.

We have arrived at the Pyramid, sire,” said the robot driver.

“Well, let’s get in!,” exclaimed Robert.

Robert, Shawn, and Lawrence got out of the lev-car and walked to the west entrance to the Pyramid. They strolled into the building and into a vacant elevator.

What floor, sir?,” the robotic assistant asked in a pleasant voice.

“The 1000th floor,” answered Robert.

Very well, sir, setting course for the 1000th floor.

It took less than a minute to arrive to the selected floor, but it felt like an eternity to Robert, Shawn, and Lawrence.

“…”

The inside of the elevator was silent.

“Ding!”

The elevator doors opened, and Robert, Shawn, and Lawrence stepped out.

“The conference room is this way,” said Robert.

Shawn and Lawrence walked behind Robert to the doors.

“Listen up-be as cordial as possible. These people are the most esteemed scientists in the solar system, so be on your best behavior.”

“Understood,” said Shawn and Lawrence in unison.

The door opened with a ‘clack’, and the trio entered. The 14 scientists and scholars that were present at the central table all turned their faces towards them.

“Finally, they’re here!,” exclaimed the elderly scientist.

“Sorry for the delay, there was a bit of traffic,” Robert apologized.

“It’s fine, chairman.”

“Thanks for understanding,” said Robert.

“No problem, sir.”

“Well, let us start the meeting,” exclaimed Robert.

In the meeting, Shawn and Lawrence heard about the disappearance, the preliminary preparations that had began, and the true significance of their discovery.

“Well, did you send a radio message towards Proxima?,” asked Lawrence, after he had heard about the preliminary preparations.

“We did, but we aren’t even sure whether the aliens, whoever they are, are even coming towards us. We are just preparing for the worst,” replied the elderly scientist.

“Currently, the Association on Mars is monitoring in the direction of Proxima Centauri, both for any signals, and for the reappearance of the star,” elaborated Robert.

Suddenly, a ‘Bra-a-a-ng!’ was heard. Everyone turned their heads towards the source of the sound. The holo-screen resonated with red light, which meant a urgent message had been sent.

“What? What’s this?,” exclaimed Robert, who was interacting with the screen.

“Oh…Oh…Oh my god…”

Chapter 4

Robert’s eyes widened and his mouth gaped.

“Robert! What’s going on?,” asked Lawrence, with concern.

“…”

Robert was silent for a moment.

“There’s been a message beamed towards us from the direction of Proxima Centauri. The signal matches up with the colony’s transmitter-and it seems to have been sent right after the destruction of the colony.”

Gasps ran the room.

“What does it say!?,” exclaimed Lawrence.

A silence swept the room as everyone waited for Robert’s answer.

“It has been translated as a form of old Latin-it means ‘Forthwith we are coming, with the greater good you resist,’ but we have not translated the complete message.”

Confusion and panic filled the room.

“Everyone calm down!,” shouted Lawrence.

An elderly scientist muttered, “These entities apparently know much about our culture and language...”.

“So…this means that there is not doubt about it?,” asked Shawn.

“Yes, the message has been reviewed by our crypto-analysts almost a hundred times.”

A morbid silence swept the room.

“But how are you sure?,” asked Shawn.

“What do you mean?,” replied Robert with a quizzical expression.

“Well, y’know, like in science fiction, where the aliens are testing humanity. Doesn’t this seem a bit too obvious?”

“Preposterous! You th-,” Robert exclaimed.

“Robert, he has a point,” interrupted Lawrence.

Before any further discussion could be determined, an alarm rang out on Robert’s screen. It was yet another urgent message. But from whom this time?

Robert stared at the screen for a second.

“H-how is this possible?!”

“What is it!?,” asked Lawrence.

“The advance station on Apollo is gone. No, the entire planet has been destroyed!!”

“B-b-by what?!,” exclaimed Shawn.

“…”

“Don’t tell me… from Proxima Centauri?,” questioned Lawrence.

“It’s in the same direction, but we shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions just yet-“

“I knew it!,” yelled Lawrence.

“These aliens would have sent some sort of advance attack of some sort towards us, it’s too convenient! Quick, check if anything is out of the ordinary near the remains of Apollo!”

“We now have footage from a nearby station, by way of hyper-relay,” said Robert.

He opened, the footage, then pressed play. The screen showed an ordinary, usual Apollo, until a blinding flash of light appeared on the northern side of the planet, and when the light dimmed enough for details to be seen clearly, it showed a field of debris and molten plasma and an almost vaporized Apollo-and there it was! An unmistakably metal object, which at this distance was quite small-looking, but when the telescope zoomed in enough, it was seen that this object was a rhomboidal crystal, made of what looked like some sort of metal-but in sharp contrast to it’s surroundings, the crystal was unscathed.

The crystal was emitting large amounts of gamma radiation, the measurement devices showed, and it seemed to be exponentially increasing in size.

“W-what is it doing?, asked Shawn with a shocked expression.

“It looks like it’s… somehow absorbing the plasma and expanding itself. Could it be-a Von Neumann machine?,” said Lawrence.

Suddenly, the crystal stopped emitting radiation, and it stopped absorbing matter.

“Huh? Why did it stop?,” asked Robert with a confused tone.

It then proceeded to begin accelerating with alarming speed, away from the ruins of Apollo it had created.

A great argument began in the conference room, about what in the world that crystal was.

So, it was not a surprise when no one saw that the crystal was heading closer and closer to the inner solar system, at speeds more than a fourth the speed of light.

Chapter 5

Four weeks later, Admiral Kellor Nasmar Jr, leader of the 21st Fleet, was bored.

He had been manning his station for over 5 months now, deep in the Kuiper Belt, leading a fleet of a couple hundred thousand antique battleships and a few tens of thousands of Cannoneers. He wanted some action, but after the Treaty of Mercurius over 60 years ago, little to no conflicts had broken out in the Solar System. Kellor envied his father, the great Commander of the Luna Orpheus Fleet, who had defeated Venusian and Martian fleets and led Luna Orpheus to victory, whilst sacrificing himself at the final Battle of Mercury, destroying the Gravity Render Field generator and saving the day. He was only 5 at the time, and his 67th birthday was in a few months. A gruff and heavy-set Chinese man with gray hair and black eyes, Kellor was a capable commander, as he had fought with scavengers and bandits in the post-Sol War era. He didn’t want to admit it, but he missed his father, and rather looked like and acted like him.

In his long, cone-shaped flagship, over 15 kilometers long, he surveyed the rest of his fleet. Only his ship and a few others held men-the rest were remote controlled, but they were almost identical in appearance-Regulars. That way, he did not need much manpower and in case of defeat, less casualties. His fleet was mostly of the cone-shaped kind, but there were a group of ships with a different shape-a long cylinder with a front end that could open like a flower-his Cannoneers.

“Hmph,” Kellor sighed.

All was normal-and boring.

Suddenly, an operator sitting in the detection station hurried over to him and exclaimed,

“Sire, we have an unidentified ship approaching the fleet hot at 2 o’clock, speed 0.26 c!”

“What!?,” Kellor shouted.

Kellor was shocked.

“…”

After a moment of indecision, he gave the order for all men to go to battlestations and for the rest of the remote controlled fleet of ships to get into position. As the blip in his detection screen got closer and closer, he finally made out the ship from a distance-it was a crystal-like rhomboid, with a smooth, metallic surface.

“What the…”

The crystal visibly slowed down in front of the 21st Fleet, and came to a stop a couple thousand kilometers away. It was huge-it towered over the fleet, at over 1,000 kilometers tall. Kellor regained his cool and hailed the ship.

“Unidentified ship, identify yourself, we are the 21st Fleet of the Collective!,” said Kellor as he hailed the ship.

There was no verbal response-instead, the crystal began spinning rapidly.

“Sire, the radiation levels of the crystal are skyrocketing!,” yelled an operator.

“Ready the shield field and prepare to engage!,” Kellor shouted.

Suddenly, the crystal released a huge radiation blast towards the fleet-and was barely reflected by the shield field.

“I’m gonna blow you to kingdom come! FIRE!!!,” Kellor shouted with all his might.

From the massed ships of Cannoneers, a bright iridescent field emerged, and hit the crystal with terrible energy-but the crystal was unscathed.

“It has an electromagnetic shield, it seems. Why don’t we use the gravity field instead?”

This time, the entire space the fleet occupied visibly began rippling, and a invisible shockwave hit the crystal. When the proverbial smoke cleared, The crystal was showed to be heavily damaged.

“Fire another volley! Blast this thing back to the darkness from whence it came!”

The ships shot volley after volley of gravitational pulses towards the crystal. Eventually, finally the crystal stopped emitting radiation all-together.

“Did we do it?,” asked Kellor.

“I think so…,” an operator replied.

“Report this to command immediately-we are returning to Luna Orpheus,” said Kellor-he left no room for argument.

***

For the third time in two months, the members of the Association’s Council met at the Pyramid.

“Have we found the location of the crystal yet?,” Lawrence asked.

“Yes, and the Council of the Collective will be joining us,” said Robert.

Gasps ran the room.

“The Council?”

“Truly the Council will be joining us?”

“How big is this issue?!”

“Everyone, calm down!,” Robert shouted.

Everyone became silent.

“They are going to be joining us virtually shortly. Wait, they are here.”

Suddenly on the holo-screen, a couple of faces were shown. They were of the Council and it’s president.

“Hello, sire,” said Robert.

“No need for pleasantries, let us begin the briefing,” said the Council President, a bald, white skinned man with blue eyes.

Robert explained the situation and the need for more observation to the best of his ability-but when he was done, the Council President told him a surprise.

“No need, Admiral Kellor Nasmar Jr. and the 21st Fleet successfully met and destroyed the crystal in battle using gravitational pulses.”

“What!?,” said an open-mouthed Robert.

“B-but then…”

“Yes, they attacked us first, so we know they have hostile intentions,” said a member of the Council.

After a couple more minutes, the meeting adjourned, and Robert and Lawrence were the only ones left in the room.

“Robert, you know what this means right?,” Lawrence asked.

“…War it is, war it must be,” replied Robert in a shaky tone.

“Only time will tell whether this is the right decision or not-until then, all we can do is hope-and prepare,” said Lawrence with resignation.

Chapter 6

All around the solar system, the great industrial might of Man began to create great, and terrible, and powerful weapons of war on a scale never seen before. Instead of weapons that destroyed cities, Man now designed and made weapons that could decimate planets. Man created new types of spaceships and engines, designed to carry and power these monstrous weapons. Man fortified his planets and cities with great shields of energy and power. Man prepared and prepared and prepared for half a decade. Alas, one thing was consistent with the mentality of man-the drive for more, the drive to succeed-and most importantly, to survive.

These preparations mirrored the actions of nations and empires in advance of the wars of old-but with one difference. The terrible destructive power and carnal lust for death and destruction which is present in every human being, was, instead of being used to kill their own kin, for the first time in Man’s lengthy career, channeled into an irresistible force for a ‘greater good’-for a war for the survival of the human race, to defeat these alien and unsympathetic and inhuman beings, to fight for Man, and man as one. As in the face of a common threat, Humanity will surely unite.

But would it be enough? As time drove on, and Man’s military force increased, people began to doubt. What if these preparations were all but futile? Besides, Man was faced with perhaps the most powerful enemy-a enemy possibly eons older than the earliest man-ape on the African savanna, aliens that may have destroyed uncountable stars and planets in the great heavens. What could Man hope to do that would do more than agitate these entities? And, the most horrifying thought of all-what if by attacking these aliens, Man made an enemy of an even larger threat?

If these beings had destroyed Proxima Centauri for whatever unfathomable reason they had in mind, and they did not care about humanity, what horrid things could they do to us, if we attacked them first? Should we not be careful where we tread, lest we anger a slumbering god? Humanity began to doubt. They had made these mistakes before, and, scarred with the memory of the last war on Earth, were not fond of repeating them. And hence, Man faced his most deadly enemy of all—himself. His own self-doubt undermined his preparations, and left him vulnerable to attack.

And in this state, this state of self-doubt and insincerity, is where Man faced his greatest opponent.


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Fri Apr 02, 2021 2:54 pm
yosh wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here for a requested review!

First off, let's talk about the length. I know I've already told you this, but this story has a serious length issue. I would totally prefer if you shortened it to separate chapters, but that's your preference.

With that aside, let's get started, shall we?

Through the expanse of space, the shining of the light in the darkness, is the light we must reach for, however futile. For there is no light without the dark-and that is where Humanity, masters of their world, will face their first and most daunting challenge.


Interesting beginning. The fact that you've placed this in the front is a little weird, but I by no means am against it! However, I have a suggestion. Most people start their story with a description or foreshadowing of what's going to happen. This isn't always the best idea. Since the reader has no idea what is going to happen in the story, it's actually more important to introduce the characters, the setting, and general idea of what's going on, and then put in the dramatic foreshadowing passage like the above.

This war was known as the War for Sol, an interplanetary conflict between two autocratic empires in the Inner Planet Alliance, the Martian Hegemony and the Holy Venusian Empire, against the Collective’s predecessor, the lunar ecumenopolis of Luna Orpheus and its colonies and allies. The war cost tens of billions of lives on both sides, but the technology and morale of Luna Orpheus won the war, and the Venusians and the Martians surrendered in 2112, after a full three decades of ceaseless war. The Treaty of Mercurius formed the Collective, as to prevent such a disastrous war from ever happening again. And so a golden age began. The Great Age of Mankind.


This is the part where I say, 'WOAH WOAH WOAH THERE SLOW DOWN', because WOAH THERE. You introduce way too many things in this one paragraph. I understand you're trying to give a short description of what's happened, but . . . WOAH.

The War for Sol? The Inner Planet Alliance? The Martian Hegemony? The Holy Venusian Empire? The Collective? The lunar ecumenopolis (what the heck is that supposed to mean?)? The Luna Orpheus? The Treaty of Mercurius?

First, you probably thought that these names would be imposing or dramatic or something, but really, they're confusing. 'Sol' is fine. I like that, but 'Martian Hegemony'? Just say Mars. The Holy Venusian Empire? Just say 'Venus'. The lunar . . . ecumenopolis? I literally had to google what that means.

I hope you understand what I'm getting at here. Your vocabulary and word usage is much too advanced, and many readers will become confused.

But then, war struck


Okay, so my biggest question here is why was there are war? There didn't seem to be any problem with all the planets. If there was, you probably should have indicated a bit more clearly.

He was not pleased with his position as Senior Astrophysicist of ES-69, a research station at the fringes of Collective space, under the jurisdiction of the Association of the Sciences, located on the desolate asteroid of Eros.


First, this sentence is not a run-on, but is really long for most people's comprehension, if you get what I mean. I don't know what kind of audience you're looking for, but this is a really long sentence. I love all the descriptions and detail you've put into the worldbuilding, but it's a bit too . . . much. You're so focused on building a realistic world that all of your writing is something almost unreadable by a lot of people. I can read it fine, but it took a bit of concentration and repeated read-throughs to get through it.

In fact, he was one of the most intelligent people in the entire solar system, with a record IQ of 232, and with many achievements under his belt, with a Nobel Prize in physics for discovering the Lawrence Equation, an equation which was crucial to the creation of the first Kugeblitz black hole.


Again, you've made a really long sentence, but I like the way you presented this information about the black hole and equation or whatever. I hope it appears somewhere soon in the story!

A couple of hours of searching had come and went. Nothing. This was turning out to be another boring day at the Exclusionary Site.

“…Well, it could be worse, and we’re going back to Mars in a couple of days,” he thought.

[. . .]

“C-Call the Association, now!”


The dialogue throughout here (I've replaced most of it with an ellipsis) is really choppy and has no description around it. A better thing to do would be equally placing the information throughout instead of slamming it all in one paragraph and leaving a bunch of dialogue at the end.




“That is not all, precisely when the star disappeared, our colony stopped sending signals. Sir, this has only one reasonable explanation. This disappearance of Proxima Centauri and our colony is due to the activities of an advanced extraterrestrial civilization.”


First . . . that's a pretty big jump.

Second . . . this is probably my favorite chapter. You add the urgency perfectly everywhere. I just hoped you would have more description, of course.

Also, what's a stellaser?





I don't have much to say about the other chapters. I would probably have made a better review if they were separated, but then again, that's your preference.

Nice job!

-yoshi




HJYoung says...


ty for review-i guess you did one anyways, but thanks!
The Martian Hegemony and Holy Venusian Empire will be further explained in the prequel-The Treaty of Mercurius too. A stellaser is a laser powered by a star which is used as a weapon or propeller for interstellar craft. I will take your feedback into consideration, and thanks again for the review!



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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hello. Here for a review as requested

Prologue
This was an interesting one.

This war was the war known as the war of Sol

Here,you could remove the war from middle .

The rest of the prologue was good.

Modus Operandi

First of all, I would suggest not using latin in english works. Yes, of course, many uses but then one has to search the internet and find the meaning–it distracts the readers. Then, I couldn't understand this part at all. Please explain this part to me.

Chapter 1

slightly balding... Eros.

I think this is a long sentence– too long. You should divide it into parts. Second, balding?? Doesn't sound good. You could write Bald with a few white hairs...

He turned... 2176

It's set in future.

The rest of the chapter was good. And you are actually very good in those dialogues, which you told you aren't good at.

Chapter 2

Yes, I just forgot to mention one thing. In chapter 1 also, I saw it. You should specify who is speaking and who is listening. Of course, not always. But sometimes, especially in the beginning of a conversation, you should specify those. Or the reader will be extremely confused.

If Proxima ... again?

In this one, you could change appear again to re-appear.

Brother, what... do...

I think you could delete the repeatation.

The pyramid of Orpheus One...

I don't know what or who is this Orpheus One? But if it is the name of a person, it's better to use I instead of one.

it served the same purpose... nation

I think you could describe the purpose instead of comparing it with real world.

“...”

You should not use this. Just cut out this line.

well,... since

Appeared again-› re-appeared.

Whatever...now

I think whatever should be what.

Chapter 3

Behind Lawrence,... him

This is repetitive

hello,...you

Here, you could remove the and.

“That's a big if”

You should put a – after if

“...”

Again. You should not write this.

Well, did you...Proxima?

Will not be it ‘have you’?

Chapter 4

So...it?

I think not will be no.

He opened...play

Here, instead of then, you could use and

In this chapter as well as in the earlier ones, I saw something concerning. You said blah blah said shockingly. You could describe the facial expressions of the person. It would be better then.

Chapter 5

He had been manning... now

I think you should put a ‘by’ before now.

I can't find any other mistakes in the chapter.

Chapter 6

All...before

Maybe you could remove the and before terrible

There in this chapter, you could use men instead of man

Besides, ... heavens

It will be an enemy instead of a enemy.

Overall, it was a very good work. Soon, I will review chapter 7.




HJYoung says...


I truly am good at dialogue? Welp, i guess that is a good thing. Modus Operandi is a popular Latin phrase which means-method of doing something, usually applied to crime.





Yes, you are really good in writing those dialogues. Yes, I know the meaning. But, everyone might not know.



HJYoung says...


Ok then, ill think about changing it



HJYoung says...


Oh also forgot to say ty for the review, lol sorry



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Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello HJYoung,
How are you on this lovely day? I hope you are doing well.
Roses
- The dialogue was smooth and natural. I know you said that you aren't good at it, but you did such an amazing job!
- The flow of the story was also really good. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes which really helped with that.
- I loved the characters! They were so much fun.
Buds

Chapter 1

His job was to sift through mountains of data generated by the huge space telescope drilled into the side of the asteroid, in case if there was something interesting.

If technology is so advanced, wouldn't it make more sense if they had a machine to process it and such?
Recently, there had been nothing of interest for a while now.

You contradict your self here which makes the wording really awkward. I would change it to "There has been nothing of interest for a while now."

Chapter 2
A well-built, handsome man with jet-black hair, white skin, and brown eyes, whose two characteristics were the only similarities he shared with his brother, as he was very organized and hardworking-and quite intelligent, just not as much as his brother

This was a run-on sentence. I break it up somewhere in the middle.
“Is it true that Proxima Centauri has disappeared?

what is Proxima Centauri, a planet? Give more explanation.
Also, you missed ending quotes on some of the dialogue here. I think Robert or some other character should elaborate on why the colony was significant.

Chapter 3
- It would be cool if whenever a robot speaks you put it in italics or block letters.

They walked into the building and walked into to a vacant elevator.

This was very repetitive, change up the wording.

- What planet are they on now? What does it look like, is there lots of civilization or is it mostly desolate? Give some more description, but also leave room for the reader to fill in.

In the meeting, Shawn and Lawrence heard about the disappearance, the preliminary preparations that had began, and the true significance of their discovery.

Shawn should get a promotion!!

A silence swept the room as everyone waited for Robert’s answer.

Silence sweeps through the room a little to much, try use different words.

‘I’m coming for you’

I found this very cliche. I would make the message more ominous and mysterious.

A morbid silence swept the room.

Stop sweeping the room! Find some new and more interesting words to use!

Chapter 5
His fleet was mostly of the cone-shaped kind, but there were a group of ships with a different shape-a long cylinder with a front end that could open like a flower-his Cannoneers.

What do these different shapes mean? Do these ships have special names?

Man prepared and prepared and prepared

I found this very repetitive.

Overall
I loved this story! Its so captivating and interesting. Ill be honest, I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi novels. but this one was really well done! You did such a great job. As always I hope this review was helpful. Have a great rest of your day and keep on writing!
- Stellarjay




HJYoung says...


Ty for the review! There are automatons that sift through the data, but it isnt quite advanced enough yet, so lowly humans need to check. Proxima Centauri is the closest star to us-i thought it would common knowledge, but i guess not. Shawn will get a promotion. sorry about the cliche stuff lol-for the ships check the index-regulars are the same as flagships, except that the latter has people inside-the cannoneer is heavy artillery.



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BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



Dude, you got a way of captivating me, a little long, but who gives a flying flip. The description is amazing, and this is one of the first times I actually understood a science fiction novel. LOL. Anyway, no criticisms I think the people below me did that, and not that I have any, because I really like it. Tag me on the next part, thank you. Peace out!




HJYoung says...


Ty for the review man! And ty for the compliment lol



HJYoung says...


robots attack humans, humans fight back lol



BEASTtheHUN says...


Sounds familiar, Hmm LOL, no cap one of the first Science fiction I understood with all the terms.



HJYoung says...


but seriously, it gets more complex than that



BEASTtheHUN says...


Oh, uh, okay thanks for the heads up. Otherwise, you might have fried my brain cells.



HJYoung says...


lolll



HJYoung says...


can u like my work so it gets bumped lol



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Well that’s a lot of lore XD. I enjoyed reading it tho separating it into different chapters might look better :)
I’m kinda dumb and you used some BIG words (lol) so I don’t understand parts of the story, but it was still fun 👍




HJYoung says...


ty



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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hi @HJYoung! I'm here for a review as requested. I enjoyed reading your writing and I'd like to tell you that you did a good job of making the dialogues easy to understand. I love how its a science fiction, science fiction and dystopian are in fact one of the genres I like the best. I would like to point a few things out, but I suggest you don't pay them too much time. Your writing is very well written and a beautiful piece to read.

Review

Through the expanse of space, the shining of the light in the darkness, is the light we must reach for, however futile. For there is no light without the dark-and that is where Humanity, masters of their world, will face their first and most daunting challenge.


The prologue impressed me in many ways. I like how you describe thoroughly yet in a mysterious way. I also think it is intriguing and very similar to how science fiction starts (that's a compliment by the way).

Suggestion: I'd like to point out that I think you used a lot of commas here and would suggest you to not use a comma after "the shining of the light in the darkness"

This war was the war known as the War for Sol, an interplanetary conflict between two autocratic empires in the Inner Planet Alliance, the Martian Hegemony and the Holy Venusian Empire, against the Collective’s predecessor, the lunar ecumenopolis of Luna Orpheus and it’s colonies and allies.

This is a long yet quite descriptive sentence. Do you mean "its" instead of "it's", here? "It's" means it is. While "its" means sometimes belongs to or refers to something.

In fact, he was one of the most intelligent people in the entire solar system, with a record IQ of 232, and with many achievements under his belt, with a Nobel Prize in physics for discovering the Lawrence Equation, a equation which was crucial to the creation of the first Kugeblitz black hole.


Do you mean "an equation" by "a equation"?

A well-built, handsome man with jet-black hair, white skin and brown eyes, whose two characteristics were the only similarities he shared with his brother, as he was very organized and hardworking-and quite intelligent, just not as much as his brother.


I think you need a comma after "white skin".

So, it was nota surprise when no one saw that the crystal was heading closer and closer to the inner solar system, at speeds more than a fourth the speed of light.


Do you mean "not a" by "nota"?

Again I think it's very well written and I am so sorry I wasn't able to point out more things. I have a busy week and it isn't easy to find some to go on YWS.

Thanks for the request!
Keep on writing:)
~Chris




HJYoung says...


No problem, ty for the review!! I'll make sure to review those things and change them as soon as possible!



HJYoung says...


Uh, and the thing is... this is my first ever writing piece so i may have some issues here and there.



HJYoung says...


You think its really that good? Should i do something with the story when im done it?



HJYoung says...


And it%u2019s is correct



HJYoung says...


I meant it%u2019s is the correct word form



HJYoung says...


What the:
Its



HJYoung says...


There we go



ChrisCalaid says...


You're welcome! I understand that it's your first writing piece and I think it's very well written almost as it wasn't your first piece. Anyways, I think's good and think it might be better if you posted the chapter separately it was a bit long to read. Except that I think it's very good.
Have a wonderfulday!
:)



HJYoung says...


Ok, ty!



ChrisCalaid says...


<3



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HJYoung says...



Yeeeeee its done chapters 1-7




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Riverlight wrote a review...



Oh dear this is long o.o

So, um, without having read it yet-- first and foremost, would you consider breaking this up into... several separate chapters so that it's easier to read, please? ;-;

>>The Poem<<
So, your poem at the start had a bunch of extra commas that were unneeded, so you might wanna look into fixing that uwu

>>Prologue<<

Through the expanse of space, the shining of the light in the darkness is the light we must reach for, however futile. For there is no light without the dark- and that is where humanity, masters of their world, will face their first and most daunting challenge.

I have corrected the grammar here.

So, you called Sol unique, but you don't elaborate on that. Why is it unique? What makes it unique as a star?

>>One<<
“Why couldn’t they just place me at a place like Plucharon, where there at least are more than a few people around, or around the cylinder at Neptune, where everything doesn’t look dead and gone”, he thought.

This statement contradicts the one that came before it. If he didn't mind leaving, then why does he suddenly want to stay?

Also, what's a cycler?

>>Two<<
“Is it true that Proxima Centauri has disappeared?

The what? ;-;

“Well, on January 12th, 13:34, a day ago, ES-69's telescope detected a decrease of 99% of luminosity from Proxima Centauri... and it hasn’t appeared again since.”

Me no speak smart person ;-;

>>Three<<
“Well, yes. We know that they are far more advanced than us, and that they are likely a Type II civilization, given that they destroyed a star.”, replied Robert.

...a what? Huh? I am so lost and confuzzled right now ;-;

[b]>>Four<<[/quote]
Okay, I am sincerely and totally lost by this point ;-; I have no idea what's going on, where these people are, or why I should care about them or what they're doing. This reads more like a semi-iterate summary that leaves out chunks of info than a short story/novella/novel/*insert type of thing this is here*.

There's a lot of work that can be done to improve these chapters and reach for the figurative stars so that you can improve it. First and foremost, I recommend cutting the Appendix altogether. It clutters up the page and gives away a lot of info you can use in your story. For example, an exceptionally old person may think that X event is like Y event and recall how so and so took control of the situation and led the nation to victory.

Next, you need some character development. I have no idea who the characters are, what they look like, or why I should care about them. What are their motives, dreams, desires? Find ways to work this in. Maybe Person A remembers his dead mother because he has a picture of her on his phone. Person B might hate Person A because Person A eats Person B's food all the time. Flesh out the characters and add some details.

You also need to consider that not everyone may be familiar with science fiction, so you need to describe different things the people are using and what they are. @sylrie can especially help you with any space ships as they are a genius uwu. Working lore into your story will strengthen it, and also keep in mind that the lore can help to describe this world and what's going on and how these people got to wherever they are.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh-- I'm so sorry if it was!

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




HJYoung says...


Haha, to answer all your questions: I will break it up as soon as i have time for reviews, and ty for the grammar, ill fix it. Sol is unique as it is home to humanity-the entire prologue focuses on that. For your information, Proxima Centauri is the nearest star to Sol, about 4.5 light years away. Lawrence is trying to cheer himself up, poor fellow, and a cycler is explained in the Encyclopedia Humanica in the Appendix. Haha, its just short for 'the star disappeared and we dont see it anymore'. Search up Kardashev Scale online. Sorry about the confusion-lol this is not a young adult book in any way or form-I'm purposely making the characters more mysterious, but ok, I should probably flesh them out in chapter 5, which is gonna quite long. @sylrie? Hm ill go ask then, im trying to make this a more accurate depiction of a interplanetary war. Its fine, this is my first piece, and I'm 13 so there's a long way to go.



HJYoung says...


Also, I did say that Shawn was a intern from the Association(check appendix), and Lawrence is a astrophysicist with a PhD, and Robert is the head of the association. Lawrence and Robert are specified as brothers. I will add their ages as well.



HJYoung says...


yes, the poem, i shall fix it in a bit.



HJYoung says...


As for lore... There will be a prequel :3



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creaturefeature wrote a review...



'Ello! Thanks for the review request!

First things first, the poem at the beginning will not get the reviews you might want. It's a part of a chapter, so the people reviewing are skilled at reviewing prose rather than poetry. If you divided it into its own published work, people will give you the criticism you might need.

It's a good poem; the idea is cliché and overused in poetry depicting the overall science-fiction genre. I won't linger on that though because, like I said before, people who want to review this probably didn't want to review a poem along with the chapter.

(The same could be said for multiple chapters in the same published work because it gets hard to follow along with after about two, but that depends on the reader and their personal styles relating to long vs. short literature.)

Now onto the story ~

I have a few things I do to determine if dialogue sounds realistic to the character, and some examples would be saying the sentences aloud, cutting out small talk unless it fits whoever is talking, using consistent slang and other things contributing to personality, and focusing on who exactly they are communicating with in the setting.

There's also the battle of what dialogue tags to use; "Sam said" against "Sam whispered" or anything similar, and what I think there is the simpler the better. That doesn't mean overplaying the word "said" because that gets old fast.

“Preposterous! You th-“, Robert exclaimed.


This is an example of simple tags, and it works. The dialogue isn't the most realistic though as one word screams will always be childish to me, and it doesn't affect anything that happens even if the character is overly proper or not.

Lastly, a bit of a nitpick, but that appendix is somewhat useless and just adds so much skin to this piece that is already too long. If you want to show all of that, weave it into the storyline and introduce your characters slowly. Having information without even knowing the background just becomes an info dump sooner than later.

Once again, thanks ~

L




HJYoung says...


Yah my goal is 20,000 words, so far i have 5000. Thanks for for the review though! :D



HJYoung says...


One thing, could you elaborate on the poem thing?





Of course ~

The flee from darkness,

For there is always darkness in the light,

For there is always light in the darkness.


Darkness taking people over, darkness fighting light, and anything else like that is something I've seen two thousand times. It's quite fun to write about, but it's quite commonly seen.

Poetry is difficult, so of course using the same ideas over and over works because the writer makes it special to them. Without that variety, the poem isn't anything new or enjoyable.



HJYoung says...


Hm that isnt my point, my point in my poem is that dark and light are different for every person. To one, a bright light, to another, a all-consuming darkness. It's the trope turned on it's head. That's one of the central ideas of the novel.



HJYoung says...


To summarize, it depends on your frame of reference, just like in relativity.



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yosh says...



Hey! So, before I do the requested review, could I suggest you to post this into seperate posts? I would like to make my reviews good quality, and I fear with such a long story like this, the review wouldn't be that good.




momonster says...


Yes, I agree with Yoshi! Usually on YWS, each chapter is a separate post. You can get more points by writing reviews!



HJYoung says...


Ok, how many reviews do i need to get the 200 required points?



yosh says...


each review at max is 100 points. you get an extra 25 points for reviewing something in the green room, and another extra 25 for reviewing something old in the green room.



HJYoung says...


Could i trouble you to review it now? @Yoshikrab @MomoMajesty
I've split off the Appendixes and the poem into a separate text, i got my first star for doing so.



yosh says...


I'll get a review up as soon as possible!



HJYoung says...


Ty!



HJYoung says...


Please remember I am 13 and this is my first serious literary attempt,p!



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HJYoung says...



I will post a new chapter every week.




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HJYoung says...



Feedback of all sorts is greatly appreciated! When i get to dialogue, please don't bully me, I am absolutely terrible at dialogue, and desperately need tips on how to do it correctly, thanks! I'm doing some serious worldbuilding in this novel.





A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau