z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Lion Age #1: Hunted *Chp. 3*

by Gymnast2801


Chapter Three

The sun has almost vanished out of the sky and only the top of the circle remains. After eating the buffalo, that my pride and I caught earlier, and taking a long nap, I now lay in a patch of course grass and undergrowth, grooming my fur for tonight. I wonder what I'll be doing at this time tomorrow? I certainly won't be in Dawn Pride. At least, not while my mother is still alive. I can't live my whole life with her, hovering over me and holding me back from what I was made to do.

Hunt.

Fight.

Kill.

And if she can't see that it's best for me to do these things, then I don't think I should live with her.

"What are you thinking about?" Corin's ears prick towards me and I smile, grateful that I have someone to talk to about my frustrations.

"I'm thinking about my mother. I'd like to stay in Dawn Pride-it's a very nice pride and your father is a wonderful leader, but if my mother is going to keep me from growing up and reaching my full potential then I think I should leave."

Corin stares at me in silence and I can see that she is deciding what to say next. Finally, she asks, "Which pride will you join?"

I suddenly feel ashamed. How can I tell Corin that I'm leaving if I don't know which pride I'm going to choose?

I give my pelt a couple of embarrassed licks,  "I'm not sure-which is why I need your help. Which pride do you think I would be best in?"

"Well of course I think you would be best in Day Pride-with me."

I gasp in astonishment, "You are leaving too?"

Corin smiles, "Yep! I don't agree with everything about Dawn Pride-they're too sly for me. I would prefer a pride that is loyal and brave like Day Pride." Then Corin pauses but quickly continues, "You will join Day Pride with me, won't you?"

"I-I don't know."

"But Nadia, we have to stick together! Remember when we where little, we planed to have our cubs at the same time and raise them together? How can that happen if your in a different pride?"

I do remember that day.

We had been only three months old and Sheza, a young lioness of the pride, had introduced her four little cubs to Dawn Pride that day. Corin and I had been the youngest until then-along with Nubia. Since we had been born on the same day we decided to be like sisters to each other; but also because Corin was the only cub that Amina had born and she would often get lonely since her mother and father where the busiest members of the pride. Corin had come up with the idea that when we where older we would have cubs at the same time and raise them up to be best friends; just like Corin and I.

"I don't know, but I'm not sure that I would fit into Day Pride. I'm not sure that I can fit into any pride that is supposed to be made of one kind of lion."

Corin nods and draws her paw over head muzzle, cleaning a scratch from the hunt today.

"Well Nadia, whatever you choose to do I suppose I'll support you. Even if you don't want to be with me." Corin gets to her paws and walks away.

I also get up because Simao, the leader of Dawn Pride, has called together the lions and lionesses who are coming to the Selection Rite. Only the leader and close family of the Selection Rite cubs are permitted to come which means that only my mother will be coming for me and Nubia since our father is dead. Simao and Amina will be coming for Corin. That's all the cubs that are turning two-years-old this month.

As Simao leads us out of camp, I stop and look over my shoulder. Dawn Pride camp rests peacfully in the setting sun and again I wonder, am I really going to leave this all behind?

Sheza's cubs, now a year-and-a-half of age, play together in the grasses with the adults lay together, talking. I know that I need to leave, I'll have to run to catch up with the group, but I just want one last look at my childhood camp before I leave it all behind.

I can hear Corin calling for me so I snap my head around and lift a paw, placing it carefully on the ground. Each step I take, leads me closer to a new life.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
456 Reviews


Points: 69427
Reviews: 456

Donate
Sun May 01, 2016 1:09 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there! Rain here again for a review!<3

You're really good with keeping the reader interested. I was engaged and thoroughly entertained the whole chapter. I didn't get bored or start thinking about what I was going to have for dinner tonight at all. I think what you have going on here so far is great!

I very curious as the which pride Nadia is going to end up going to. I have one point to make, though, and that's about her relationship with Corin and the Day Pride. So, Corin is going to the Day Pride and Nadia may or may not. I'm assuming she's not going to (but I really have no idea). If she's not, I would love to feel a heart wrenching sensation in my body. Because, hey! She'll be leaving her best friend! However, with what you have now, I'm not sure I'll feel as sad. You've got a good start (going back to the past and bringing back the memory of them saying they'll have cubs together) but I believe it could be strengthened a little more. Their relationship, although important, feels like it needs a bit more to it. A bit more structure and development.

While on the topic of Corin, she certainly seems interesting! I really like her character - she seems very sweet and supportive, but also a bit cunning, clever, and wild. She seems great and I'm excited to see if we'll get to see more of her, and perhaps how she shapes Nadia.

Well done! This chapter was a bit more lengthy than your others! (:

Lovely chapter, keep writing!<3

~ EternalRain




User avatar
485 Reviews


Points: 21027
Reviews: 485

Donate
Fri Apr 29, 2016 4:21 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here
Hello there. I loved the previous parts of this story so I will try to help you with this part, also, even if I am still kind of confused for things here and there. I like the way you let your character speak and you do not need to tell us what to imagine. I still need many more explainations and details around the Rite and the cubs but I think I will go through this soon too. I had found several things that I think you can change but you do not need to listen to me and correct them. They will be only by my own honest opinion. I hope you continue on with this story. In this part I understood many things for the characters and mostly for the female main one who is showing us her thoughts and feelings towards her family.


The sun has almost vanished out of the sky,(you do not need a comma here) and only the top of the circle remains. After eating the buffalo,(space here)that my pride caught earlier, and taking a long nap, I now lay in a patch of course grass and undergrowth, grooming my fur for tonight. I think you need to continue talking about the backstory.
I hope the character soon chooses her own path and go through it.

--

I give my pelt a couple of embarrassed licks, "I'm not sure-(put comma instead)which is why I need your help. Which pride do you think I would be best in?"

"Well of course I think you would be best in Day Pride-with me."

I gasp in astonishment, "Your(you are) leaving to(too)?"


"I-I don't know.(")

"But Nadia, we have to stick together! Remember when we where(were) little, we plan(n)ed to have our cubs at the same time and raise them together? How can that happen if your(you are) in a different pride?"

--

Corin had come up with the idea that when we (were) older we would have cubs at the same time and raise them up to be best friends; just like Corin and I.

--

As Simao leads us out of camp(comma here) I look back one last time at the camp I grew up in and the lions I grew up with. I will miss them, they have been so kind to me. All of these lions expect to see me again but I wish I could tell them how wrong they are.






Good job and keep on writing!




Gymnast2801 says...


Thanks GreatKing for the review! I really enjoy reading your reviews because they are so detailed :)

Do you mind telling me exactly what your confused about or is it just the Selection Rite and the cubs? And by cubs, do you mean the ones I mentioned in my plot form, the cubs that had been introduced into the pride that Nadia had been remembering in this chapter, or do you mean how I called the Selection Rite lions and lionesses cubs? Sorry if this question makes no sense.

Also, what did you mean by 'you do not need to tell us what to imadgen'?

Finally, how do you suggest that I outline the details of the Slection Ceremony because I'm not quite sure how to?
Sorry for all the questions!



Elijah says...


Maybe because you give us too many things at once. I like that you had added a bit of the story to this part too.
But maybe I need a full explaination. Who is from where and who is whose bro or sis. You know, basic stuff. I had forgotten them totally. So it is kind of a mess in my head. Your questions are totally fine by me. I understand why you ask them.
For the 'you do not need to tell us what to imagine' I meant that you need to only show us the background, the plot, the characters and all the details with their own selves. Do not start informating us about them like a newspaper or the news. Let the character do it for you.
Example: The wind
Do not tell us what the wind is like or what it does.
Show us how the character feels the coldness of the wind and the actions is going on. Use all your senses like you are character. How is smells, how the birds sing. That kind of jazz. If you get my point.

I think you need more details around the Ceremony. I want you to put your feelings and show them through the character. Describe the way the character walks, thinks and what she is feelings. Every step she makes forward the choice, she is going to be questioning it. You need to make this moment challenging and interesting.




Congratulations!
— Magestorrrow