My cries are all engulfed by the Abyss
I've dug myself a tunnel far too deep
I shan't be mourned or cried or even missed
For screw ups don't deserve a single weep!
Abyss is punishment I deem too cruel
Yet there are ears for any but the noose.
I beg for pity on this wasted fool
This head is far from ready to break loose!
Abyss is prison built as prison should
Not any soul of any size escapes
Once called upon, Abyss is absolute.
You're done for once you're past the devil's gates.
I urge thee, leave this look upon my face.
I want it to be worth her dark embrace.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
I love this! However, if you're writing for high school, I would not submit this as part of a competition, or at all. This is really dark, which I think is really cool and something that I would love, and it's really well written, but teachers in schools get really freaked out when people write things like this. If I were you, this would be something that I would keep for myself.
Thanks!
...And good point.
Hello Gummy!
I do love Shakespearian sonnets, and this one is very interesting. I have a few suggestions, but since this is your own poem, you don't have to take any of them.
Single weep just doesn't seem right here. It's an action, so it's like saying a single cry as opposed to a single tear. Maybe you could fit it to something like, "For over screw-ups only I shall weep." which fits the rhyme and rhythm.
I'm not quite sure what this line means, and though it rhymes and works technically with the pattern you set in the beginning, I feel like there should be some way to clarify or rearrange the line to help us understand the meaning.
I think with the second "prison" on the first line, it should be plural because prisons in general are built, and I think that's what you meant. I know for the second line you need the right number of syllables, but when you use any twice like that, it seems more redundant than repetition. Also, you've done really well with the rhymes so far, but absolute and should don't really work that well together. Maybe you can work these lines a bit and see if any better alternative presents itself. Gates isn't a great rhyme either, but I think it's much closer and functions alright.
I'm not exactly sure what the first line of this is saying, because we don't know what look that is, and why would the narrator want to leave it? Also, the second line leaves us wondering who "she" is- maybe the Abyss, personified as a female?
You only use The Abyss once, then just call it Abyss. I think it would be great to keep it consistent, if you can. I know it's very hard to work around the set rhythm and rhyme- I've worked with these somewhat before. If you can't, it's definitely not a huge issue.
Just to sum up, there are some things here that you could work on clarifying. If you needed to, you could probably add another stanza with the same pattern (unless that thought is utterly horrifying). I think it would be great if you played around with the orders of words, and also don't let the rhymes be confining. See if there's another way to say something, and go through all possible options, but don't use something that barely rhymes when others have been so strong, and don't write something weird that doesn't fit with the poem if it only fits with the rhyme. Just keep the whole poem in mind as you focus on smaller things. I hope this helped, and your base idea is pretty good if you can expand and clarify!
-Falco
Thank you so much! I'll make sure to keep your advice in mind for future pieces!
I believe that when writing Shakespeare you should avoid using contractions because it takes away the authentic meaning behind the writing unless he used the word I've before
I highly disagree about the use of contractions removing the piece's meaning. Shakespeare used plenty of contractions in many of his works. (Have you checked out his 18th Sonnet?)
The use of contractions in this piece is to help maintain its rhythm as well as to provide more space for the rest of the sonnet to be expressed. I understand and respect your opinion, but I believe that by removing contractions , it would eventually result in the writer having less room to express the intended message.