My eyes are pointing at the blackened sky,
While salty tears start streaming down my face.
It's like the Moon were asking me to cry,
Until she has to let Sun take her place.
I know your life is happier with him,
And I'm aware we never took that dare,
But I can't just replace you on a whim,
The hole you left in me's too much to bear.
My love for you was like a shooting star:
A flicker in the sky from far away.
It's beautiful, like all these sparkles are,
But it will never be the same today.
I hope the cosmos knows how bad I feel,
Since wounds like these aren't possible to heal.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello, darling! I haven't read the other comments, so I run the risk of repeating them, etc. etc.
To begin, there's the same awkwardness in this one that I noticed in #5 . I don't think it's quite as obvious, but it's definitely more common, and there are a few more blatant errors with punctuation and grammar.
As far as poetic awkwardness goes: It begins in the first line with "eyes are pointing at". This phrase seems to be expanded to fill the iambic pentameter, and it doesn't really work. It also gives a conflicting image - do your eyes have fingers? Are your eyes pointing? Are your eyes making a neon sign pointing someone out? - I know what you're trying to say, but it doesn't come across very well because of the strange phrasing. There's also the phrase in the first stanza, "has to let Sun", which just sounds awkward to my ears.
I feel like the issue with forced rhyme isn't so bad in this piece, but it's made obvious with the "him/whim" rhyme, and then the ending couplet feels like you found one word you wanted to end with and tried to find a word that rhymed instead of tweaking the phrases a little to have a nice ending and a nice rhyme. As a result, you have what could have been a nice ending if the rhyme wasn't so obvious.
There are a few more punctuation and grammar nitpicks with this one: You seem to have problems with your tense in stanza one line 3, and "like the Moon were" should be "like the Moon is", considering the context of that line is in present tense. Yes, it's impossible, but this is poetry. Anything is possible in poetry. There should be no comma after "sky" or "cry" (the corresponding rhymes in the first stanza), and the comma after "whim" should be a semicolon or a period, considering the line after it is an independent clause.
I have a few issues with your images, too - and lack thereof. I already stated my issue with your opening line; however, I also find myself feeling nothing at the phrases "never took that dare" and "it will never be the same today" - I don't even know what meanings you were going for.
I find that your ending couplet is anticlimactic and juvenile, which I attribute mostly to the phrase "know how bad I feel" - it makes the speaker sound like they're some thirteen-year-old kid who's whining about how their girlfriend left them for some other guy because "why do girls always want bad guys, I'm a nice guy". That's honestly the first image it brings to mind.
Overall, not bad, not great, and I don't like it as much as I like the other ones. Keep writing!
Awesome sauce- is that a thing? I love your sonnets!!
Hello. I am Methrirr. I will now review your poem, if you don't mind.
Firstly, I am honored to be the first to review this sonnet. It's really good. It starts off with a great metaphor, and then breaks away in another direction altogether, maintaining that metaphor only barely.
Keep on writing these sonnets. I've read number 7, and that was really good. Shoot for a thousand, okay? I'll try to catch up in the meantime.
Methrirr123