The frost is forming deep inside my heart,
And freezing feelings frolic down my spine.
I'm frozen, and I've been so from the start,
Yet I've always buried underneath, "I'm fine."
I've seen you with your present man in tow.
You look like you've forgotten all your pains.
But I just find it hard to Let It Go,
When you've left marks down all these frozen veins.
"There's way too many fish out in the sea."
You'd tell me as you tried to give advice.
But I don't think a single one's for me,
Since no fish wants to live under the ice.
It's odd to think I'd choose to live this way,
But you'll get used to freezing anyway.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello, love!
Aurora here with a review!
Alright.
Yet I've always buried underneath, "I'm fine."
You've got an extra syllable here, and your iambic pentameter is fine (you did an inversion this line, right?)
Since no fish wants to live under the ice.
Iambic pentameter again. You have it perfect until under;
da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM DUM-da da-DUM.
See?
"There's way too many fish out in the sea."
Technically, it's not 'there is', it's 'there are'. I mean, I get why you did it; it's for the sonnet, but if you can fix it to make it work and have good grammar..... well, yeah.
The rest is great. That's all the mechanical nitpicks I have for you!
Okay... moving on!
You have a lot of great imagery here... but unless Elsa is the one saying this, Let It Go should be written normally. Because it kind of takes away from the effect; I immediately started thinking about Frozen, and your poem took a backseat. Just something I'd watch out for...
And really, even if Elsa is the one saying this (in the poem), it still shouldn't be capitalized, because you're not talking about it as a song, see? And it still takes away from the overall effect of the poem...
Nice alliteration! Especially with all the repeated 'f's. It's great!
Now for the actual story. It's beautiful. And makes me think of Elsa, but that's besides the point...
Anyway, it makes a lot of sense and even without great, freezing powers, it's something a lot of people can relate to. I think you've got a great poem here, love.
If I was harsh, please don't mind
Hope I helped!
Keep writing, love
Aurora
Hello, darling! Here and back again, but I suppose I don't run the risk of repeating other reviewers too much on this one, haha.
I'm not sure what this line is trying to say. I keep defaulting to you meant to say "I'm" instead of "I've", or you're missing a word or two because you're trying to fit the iambic pentameter - which is a key clue that you need to tweak the phrase so it fits, with all the words, and it makes sense.To begin, the first thing I really noticed about this piece was your alliteration. I'm fairly ambivalent about the use of alliteration - I find it can go either way, depending on how the poet takes it and how it's treated as a device. Honestly, here, I'm neutral on it. You don't make it the focus of the poem, but taking away the alliteration wouldn't do anything for the quality. I'm not sure if that's good or not.
I'm just going to say that the awkwardness is a little less apparent here, and I'll give you the worst offenders:
This just sounds awkward, and I think it could have been put in a better fashion as well.
Quick image nitpicks; I feel like you could have included a lot more ice imagery, rather than just talking about how you're frozen and oh there's ice and there's cold. We don't see any of it, we just hear from the speaker's mouth, "I'm frozen, I'm ice," over and over again. Then, when you do go for an image - "frozen veins" for one - it's unclear, and the reader is left a little puzzled. Clarity is the heart of the poet, even if we must disguise it as vagueness from time to time, and you really need to nail down the images you want to give the reader.
Punctuation and grammar: No comma after "Go" in stanza 2 line 3; comma not period after "sea" in stanza 3 line 1; I think you meant for "you'll" in the ending like to be "you'd", considering stanzas 2 and 3 are addressed to a recipient, so saying "you'll" almost makes it sound threatening - like, "I've seen you with your new boyfriend, and I'm going to take you and you'll get used to living under the ice with me".
Overall, it's in the same boat as "not bad but not great", but I think it's a step in the right direction. Keep writing!
LET IT GO! LET IT GOOOO!! Loved this sonnet/ poem, so clever. I had this random idea that the air conditioner was a real person who was jealous of you, or something like that.
BIG THUMBS UP
LET IT GOOOOO