This flashing fire's blazing in my soul
As flaming fury boils up my blood
I ask before I lose my self-control,
"What will you say before you hit the mud?"
I've seen you sparking something with that man
Like you're the only two left in the room.
And every time I catch you hand-in-hand,
My rage alights and begs to be his doom.
Alas, two fires snuff each other out.
You're not the one who's getting burned tonight,
But you're the reason I still thrash about
And you're the switch that makes my soul ignite.
And in the end, I find I've left behind
A trail of ash that used to be my mind.
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
WOW! This is really good. Ridiculously good. It reminds me of Shakespeare, but in a much easier version of English.
The only thing I would change is to take out the word 'And' in "And you're the switch that makes my soul ignite" Otherwise, this was stellar. Keep up the really good work!
Hello, darling! I suppose this is the last review on your sonnets for now, but we'll see what happens in the future, hmm?
I have a big issue with this line: Namely, that it's in the first stanza and even on three re-reads, I don't understand it. at all. I think I had this issue in the partner piece as well, where I think I know what you're going for, but the words you use are not conducive at all to understanding. If a reader can't understand what the poet is saying, they're going to stop and put the poem down, close the window, and just not bother. Readers don't like exerting their mental energy unless they're actually interested in the piece, which usually means they have to get past stanza one.You say this is a partner piece to #7 , and I suppose that becomes evident in stanza one with your alliteration - but this alliteration feels a little more stilted than that in #7 . Over there, it was more natural, while here it felt like you were trying to write it.
Again, I'll just point out a few awkward phrases that really stood out to me, besides that one up there. "My rage alights" sounds odd and wrong, because the word "alights" doesn't mean to be set on fire - it means, broadly, "to land on something". "I still thrash about" sounds really just strange, like the speaker is a fish out of water, which is definitely not the image you want to portray.
Overall, I feel like this came across a lot more stilted than #7 , perhaps because there was a conscious attempt to write it as a partner piece and copy its style. I've found that really doesn't work all too often, because in order to successfully copy yourself, you need to look at your own style with a critical eye and notice every little turn of phrase you use so you can emulate that on purpose. Keep writing!
I am not that familiar with many of Shakespeare's works, but I will review this as best I can. This is such a great poem! I love the imagery of your heart ablaze with fire. You really did an excellent job and were able to carry that imagery throughout the whole poem; it was really the centerpiece and translated your feelings very well. The ending really capped it of with your mind turning to ash because of the blazing fire within. Your use of words was very eloquent. The only things I wasn't too sure about was "What will you say before you hit the mud?", it wasn't very clear what this line meant; I also didn't entirely understand what you were trying to communicate with "Alas, two fires snuff each other out." Otherwise, an excellent poem!