Published November 29, 2017
In Green Tea and Lilies: A Collection of Rather Assorted Poetry
As the moon is reflecting off the snow, making the crystalline ice glitter
I walk by, head down, avoiding the pedestrians.
A man passes me on the street, shrouded in the dark of the cold December night.
I turn, the lights of the street illuminating my path.
I feel a sense of dread and start to run.
I don't get very far.
Then, I notice blood is on the ground like red raindrops, making a clear stain in the snow around me.
The blood is all over my clothes, my hands, my face.
I'm crying...
I feel faint...
I see the knife, a cold steel contraption used for taking lives on the snow beside me.
What happened to me?
~~~~
What happened to me?
I see the knife a cold steel contraption used for taking lives on the snow beside me.
I feel faint...
I'm crying...
The blood is all over my clothes, my hands, my face.
Then, I notice blood is on the ground like red raindrops, making clear stains in the snow around me.
I don't get very far.
I feel a sense of dread and start to run.
I turn, the lights of the street illuminating my path.
A man passes me on the street, shrouded in the dark of the cold December night.
I walk by, head down, avoiding the pedestrians
As the moon is reflecting off the snow, making the crystalline ice glitter.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Beautiful work! I loved that you did it from both perspectives. You are very talented to be able to create something like this. I hope you do not stop writing.
Absolutely amazing! This is so well thought out and I love the wya it shows the two perspectives depending on the direction it is read in. It also flows well to me at least as I read it. Keep up the awesome writing!
Hi! Space here for a review!
I absolutely LOVE this kind of poem! It's so creative and interesting, and the topic makes it even more so.
You captured the two sides of this topic wonderfully. I especially loved the descriptions of snow and the moon reflecting and blood on snow. Great job on that!
I only have one concern.
Obviously, when you're stabbed it's gonna hurt a lot, and you don't describe the feeling of that. I admit it's hard when you have to turn the sentence around and make it mean something, but maybe it could've been metaphorical in a sense, like the murderer is in metaphorical pain for what they have done. I don't know.
That's really all, and it's not that big of a deal.
This is a beautifully written poem!
Good job!
-Space
Thanks! Well, for one thing, adrenaline is one heck of a drug so I was trying to play off that. Thanks for your review!
No problem!
Woah. You finished it, and I'm impressed. You've accomplished the perspectives of both in an amazing way.
First I have a question on this line...
This line kinda feels a little funky where it currently is, because right now it comes after starting to run in the first half and makes sense, but then comes before the murder starts to run. For the murderer it implies that the don't get away, as if they know that ahead of time, but its in present tense so it feels a little funky. I hope that made sense... I'm not sure that it did.
Second
the only problem with this is ice and snow are so similar and it makes it feel slightly repetitive. It's still a great description, but I feel like maybe it could be spiced up a bit.
Otherwise it's great, with perfect vocabulary use etc. and I can't seem to find anything else to critic. Hopefully this review helps you!
Sláinte - Junel
Thanks! What I meant with the "I don't get very far" is that the murderer is hiding the body. It's not the greatest and I wasn't sure but I put it in anyway.