Links to Pomp's first chapter:
1.1:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=112764
1.2:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=112784
~ii~
early days
Father's handwriting was nearly identical to Jacob's: broad loops, short stems, tight corners. They spent hours together imagining worlds and characters, and on Fridays they wrote side-by-side in the little room up off the library.
Jacob didn't think it was a coincidence. He thought, in some strange fashion, that he was born as an imprint of his father's younger self, to serve as his father's second chance.
One Sunday afternoon he'd heard a knock on the door as he was reading The Time Machine. His father entered, wearing a jacket and tattered brogues. "How would you like to visit the lake today?" he said.
"Why?" Jacob asked.
His father shrugged.
So they took their notebooks and visited the lake. Trees lined the fringes, thin and smooth, like products of a watercolor painting, and sometimes you'd catch their leaves--drifting and riding the wind's breath, and moving with the grace of birds: a bright robin-breast feather here, thrashers bathing and drinking in sunlight, sparkle upon sparkle of goldfinches.
"It's all etched within us," his father had said.
He looked up. "What?"
"A desire to be great. Some deeper than others, shallower, smoother, but it’s all etched in our brains that we have the potential to do better. We stare up at the sky and we don’t see the atmosphere. We see a window with stars stapled to its glass and flecks of silver along the pane—” He paused, pressing his fingertips together. There was a spark in his eye Jacob hadn’t seen before. “—dropped there one summer where children’s laughs crystallized and you could see the tears frozen in them as they hung suspended, glittering with more facets than a jewel dared rival—where the walls were striped gray; we see clouds fossilizing, planets civilizing, galaxies dying and the universe scattering their seeds; we see a cosmos working to keep itself alive, a machine that doesn’t rust, a god that never makes mistakes; we see … perfection.
"We want a taste of it.
"Don't you understand? Everything we do— everything—is only an act to ensure humanity’s continued existence. We’re not extraordinary. We’ve been gifted with intellect, but that doesn’t mean we’re superior. It means there’re layers to our society; it means philosophy, metacognition, culture…”
Father's voice quieted to a whisper. The hills, the mountains and rivers of shadow in the geography of his face shifted then as he turned, his eyes like two shivering bits of black liquid the light might slide over but never touch.
"It means a greater chasm between good and evil."
Then silence fell. Jacob identified that Father was in a rare sort of mood, that one wrong movement could shatter him back into reality, so he stayed still, scarcely daring to breathe, subduing his thoughts in case they might achieve a distracting volume. He fixed his gaze in the distance. Ropes of pink and gold were strung taut across the horizon, the clouds painted with a lemon glaze--cracked at the corners.
"Tread quietly," his father said. "Maybe you don't understand what I'm saying now--but your goal on Earth isn't to leave an impression, to make an impact. It's to listen. Tread quietly, Jacob. The world is always talking around you, if only you let it."
One year later his father died of pneumonia. As Jacob gazed upon his corpse, he recalled a Bram Stoker quote he'd never fully understood: "She was dying whilst she slept, and sleeping when she died." He still didn't understand it--what corpse could appear like it was sleeping? It was a corpse. Dead. Cold. Inanimate. But he knew he wished Father was sleeping, that his chest was gently rising up and down and his mouth was releasing soft exhalations, that the stillness of his body suggested an exhausting day, and nothing more. The funeral was twenty pairs of hollow eyes. Phillip Grimm had been well-loved, and as the funeral only allowed close friends and family, the community would find other ways to pay their respects. They'd buy chicories and forget-me-nots and bundles of Queen Anne's lace; they'd send pies and cakes to the Grimm family.
Jacob and his five siblings visited the grave every Sunday.
Both his and his mother's handwriting changed. Tiny, cramped, nearly illegible in their shakiness. He'd watch his brother's handwriting evolve into a jaggedness such that you thought you'd scrape your finger, if you touched it. Communication was cut to the minimum. Weeds stole over the garden, and the paint on the house chipped; the grass acquired a yellow tint, mirroring the Grimms' yellow complexions. Their shoulders curled, the light carved out of their eyes, and sometimes they'd stare aimlessly out the window, or you'd find them lingering in the razor aisle at the supermarket.
The Grimm family hated good-byes.
---
Sorry about the shortness, but it was tentative where to break it. Thanks for reading!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I'm finally here!
Um, woah. 0.O I've read through this once, which is normal for when I would begin writing my review - starting the first parts and scanning through one more time for any critique. But with this, I need to dig quite a bit deeper and into bigger issues, if any. Because reading through this piece, there's a sense of perfection. It's laced into every description, every breath of your main character, every word his poetic father says. How you narrate this is impeccable, everything meshed together in such harmony. This is easily your best piece of writing. I thought everything you wrote before this was perfect, but this - this tops them all. When I read this, I wasn't reading words - I was seeing pictures throughout the piece, the images becoming more and more vivid and priceless as I went through. The best part, as another reviewer already stated was that moment when Jacob's father was lost out of reality. His words stole my breath away.
Let's see if I can even find anything to say here. Livvy got here before me. >> I was so sure I was going to beat her. xD On that note, I'm sorry for taking so long in getting here. I have no excuse. :/
The first paragraph has too many ideas formed inside it, especially if you take in the weight of each. The handwriting is an important factor in all of this, and I love how you start the piece off with the handwriting being as it was, and then the change of handwriting when the father dies. It's perfect. <3 BUT in the beginning, I think you spend too little time on the handwriting, and it seems like such a beautiful example of how their lives are affected by his death. So in the beginning, I think you could spend a bit more time on their handwriting. The one person's handwriting that seemed to change the most of any was his younger brother, but his wasn't even mentioned in the beginning of the piece, while it read as such a drastic change... but from what? I think a mention in the beginning would make it perfect.
Because I love love love the handwriting. <3
The only awkward section of dialogue I saw ^^
I'm thinking a comma would feel more at home in that sentence than the Em-dash.
The only other thing I think I see wrong with this piece is that you mention the mother, mention the brother, and we see what happened to them at the end of the piece - the result of their father's death. But we don't see anything else. How the father affected everyone else isn't touched upon in the moments he was alive. I'm sure the mother's life was touched by his, as was the younger brother. You mention siblings... but I don't see any siblings save for those you tell us about at the end. I really don't know how you could manage to squeeze in the other people without breaking the perfect feeling the piece and personalities here has, but it seems like you need... more. With the other characters only. There's not enough here for me to see why the other character's would be so sad, why his death would affect them so much. Yes, I see that it's Phillip Grimm's wife, so she would be upset and her life would change because of it. But I don't feel the reason, and I think that's something you could build upon - even in only another hundred words in this chapter.
I think that but as would read better here - more as making exclusions than adding something as and is best at.
One last question, and this is more a curiosity: What did they write in the notebooks? I would have loved to be given a sentence telling me that they were empty, that there were a few words (an amazing time to describe their handwriting, I think) written in. Just anything to tell the reader. Or perhaps Jacob merely copied down what his father said at that time? Now that was something to remember.
I don't have anything to say. This was so near perfect, I feel wrong saying anything negative about it. Now onto the next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake
This was an absolutely amazing review. <33 I'll definitely reference this when we edit.
Heya Goldflame and Pompador!
BUT I HADN'T. I was just testing you guys
Quickie note: the link to 1.2 isn't working DD:
I betcha both thought I had forgotten about this novel
I just didn't have enough time but I am here now!As usual this might be a bit of a short review for you two because I like fangirling about your writing and am not so good at finding parts of it that need fixing really. Maybe there aren't even any, because you both write so well.I have to give it to you for two things here. I really like dhow you wrapped it up with the simple conclusion of the fact that the Grimm family hated goodbyes, and I loved the descriptions in this one as well. This is one of the interesting but still meaningful kind of stories, and you can tell by the way you take intricate care in describing everything. And that brings me to the second thing I like a lot about this chapter. I loved how you had an almost philosophical part in it when father was talking to Jacob about life and what it means. It was a message to Jacob just as much as it was for all the other readers as well. Loved it <3
One thing I wanted to know throughout all of this was how old Jacob was. I don't think it is pinpointed anywhere, but I was curious to know what age he had become fatherless at. And you mention that his father thinks he might not understand everything being said so I am guessing that he is pretty young, although he has good handwriting. But I wanted to know most after you said a year later, and I realised I didn't have any ground understanding for when a year later would even be.
The only other thing I was curious about was the rest of the family which isn't mentioned much as well. First of all I am thinking it is only Jacob and his parents but then I find out that he has five siblings? I was wondering where they popped up from and was pretty surprised. I can understand how you centered it around Jacob, but maybe when his father offers them going to the lake, Jacob could ask if anyone else was coming with them (and be referring to his siblings) or something like that xD
Also, the sentence where you mention Jacob making his siblings go to the grave every Sunday implies that he is the oldest. I am just going to assume so. But it does make it sound like they wouldn't want to go at all if they weren't prompted to. I was curious to know if that was the case.
My apologies for this being so short, but I really couldn't find anything else to comment on! I will be reading the following chapter soon, and I hope you two are busy writing all sorts of wonders for us ^.^
Deanie x
Thank you! This was amazing and insightful, as always. <33
You're right about the inconsistency; things do kind of pop up. XD Jacob Grimm is eleven when his father dies, I think (don't quote me on that), and yeah, that's definitely something we'll work in.
You call this review short, agh
I haven't read the first chapter but I saw 2.2 in the Green Room so I thought I'd check out the first half.
I really love the way you describe things. Specifically this sentence - 'We see a window with stars stapled to its glass and flecks of silver along the pane' I just thought it was a very unique way of describing the sky and it really caught my eye.
Also this, 'his brother's handwriting evolve into a jaggedness such that you thought you'd scrape your finger, if you touched it.' caught my eye too. It was very effective.
You broke up the chapter at the right point. The way this part starts and ends with the similarities and differences of their handwriting really rounds it off.
The reaction to the father's death was written very well as well. You gave just enough for the reader to get a good grasp of how the loss has effected the family, but you didn't rattle on.
Satira mentioned the break in dialogue at the beginning.
"How would," he said, "you like to visit the lake today?" - the part also struck me as odd. It doesn't sound right to have a pause in the middle.
Anyway, all in all, your writing is very unique and impressive ^_^
Thank you so much! I agree, that dialogue is a bit awkward. XD
Hello!
I need to do a bunch of reviews today because the Wizards aren't exactly cutting it right now, so I unfortunately don't have much time to read your 1st chapter. But if you message me the link, I'd be more than happy to come back to it!
I like how this chapter begins, with the handwriting, and the little 'chip off the old block' musing. you don't linger to long on it, which is good. You have great pacing.
This kind of sentence, with the 'he said' interjecting into the line, is interesting, and gives some asimmetrical-ness to dialogue, but I think you should sever it differently. It sounds like, "how would-you like to visit the lake today?" -- and the pause just isn't that natural in speech. I would suggest you put the pause in between 'you' and 'like'. Flows better.
I absolutely love Jacob's father's speech, about everybody wanting to be great. It was beautifully written. But the thing I didn't like was that there is some mistrust in that... not everybody wants to be great, really. And I think Jacob, or at least SOMEONE, should contradict that. Not everybody wants to be a star. There need to be people in the universe who are gravity, who are space, that support the light. And they're just as important.
Maybe go more into depth about how the father died? Was it sudden? Was it a long time coming? It seems like Jacob's dad was very present in his life, and Jacob should be more affected by the way that he died... pneumonia. I would linger more on it.
Like Sothisonekidwrites, I really like the way you tied up the ending with the handwriting. Great job.
You're a really great writer, and you can only go up from here. Can't wait to see your future book as a bestseller at my local bookstore (although of course I won't know that it's you)!
Happy review day, and I hope my criticisms helped you!
~Satira
Thanks! I agree with all your points; the father's death is a bit sudden, and I'll definitely try to flesh out the characters more. This helped loads!
Happy Review Day to you, as well.
glad I could help!
ahhahahahahahahah yesyesyesyesyesyesyes. Nice. I like the beats, I like the silence. beautiful! Jacob seems interesting, although perhaps he can be developed more? Jacob's dad is reciting poetry almost, it seems crazy to think he could come up with that stuff on the top of his head. I love the connection of handwriting at the beginning and the end. I love the details, how people weren't allowed to the funeral but they continued to send stuff anyway. The description of the house is amazing. Probably the best stuff i've read on here so far in my opinion. Keep it up!
Thanks! ^_^