I am hereeee
There's basically nothing for me to say here, except to gush some compliments and leave with a few measly nitpicks. But that's nothing unusual for me when I come to review your pieces. Let me see what damage I can do~
First - I love the detail you give the mother here. In the first half of the chapter, I thought you'd neglected the mother and just left a shadow of a character for us to hang in the corner, forgotten. But no, you didn't do that. Bringing her to life and how she felt from the father's death was perfect, but did more than establish her change and her character - it also showed a lot of Jacob and how he reacted to such things. And so you built both characters at the same time - perfect. Again. xd
She laughed. "You're too old for that," she said.
Oh, you silleh person. The first sentence does the entire job you placed on the tagline's shoulder. Remove the she said and everything will read just as though it was there, but cleaner. :3 Because it's unnecessary. The reader gathers the mum is talking.
she made him read half the New Testament before giving him permission to leave the house
0.O ohmygosh, this mum has changed so much. xD Perfect example.
as she emerged holding a paper clip
... A paper clip? Um, what's the point of that? I don't think I'm seeing the same picture as the other readers here, or maybe just not the same picture as you. >< Because I'm assuming there's paper attached, but it doesn't say that. It only refers to a paper clip... which is useless without something to hold together.
Maybe I'm rambling without purpose now.
really, she'd joked in the days that she was still partially sane, they have two-and-a-half different brands of pumpernickel, and you can even get a four-pound bag of breadcrumbs.
You do this often, and sometimes spreading the dialogue in-between a long long tagline/narrative is okay, but in a place like this, it read awkwardly. I think you could play around with it and put the dialogue together and the mid-section in one piece, too. Or perhaps just remove the really. It reads as a superfluous word, anyway.
I like Wilhelm. He's funneh - especially his name he called Jacob. Oh, the characters you create, Goldy. They're always so perfect. <3
There was their younger sister, something that looked like cheap lipstick smeared on her lips, and their even younger brother, marinara sauce smeared on his face.
Another awkward sentence. You know what to do~
Now I'm having a difficult time picturing the ages of the younger sister. You say she's the younger, and then you talk about the cheap lipstick... which makes me think of a younger girl, maybe eleven or twelve. But then you talk about her doing Jacob's homework, which is definitely not something a girl of that age would be doing. And THEN you refer to Jacob as an adult, but if he's an adult, he's above eighteen (or at least in American standards xd), so he probably wouldn't have homework.... Unless he was in college, something I think would have been mentioned already. So maybe spend a bit more time establishing their ages and all?
Another time is the walk into town, when Wilhelm holds his younger sibling's hands. Who are they? Like, you don't have to name them, but on the walk to town, I'm not seeing the nameless younger sister. All I see are Jacob, Wilhelm, and assumed toddlers walking along beside them. Perhaps build that picture a bit more. :3
he might've noticed the cloaked figure behind them, with his fingers wrapped around a ruby-topped cane.
Hm. I thought about this for quite a long while, wondering if I should call it out or not - then deciding to. I'm going to call it not cliché, although I think it borders on it. Instead, it goes in my book as just a shabby cliffhanger... and I don't have a way of explaining with any amazing reasoning why I think so, but I basically rolled my eyes when I came to the ending, because it reads like you came to a stop and then had a brain freeze, realizing the reader needed motivation to continue. So you pasted that little bit above in there to keep them going. It's disjointed from the piece, seeing that the entire chapter is focused on Jacob - and then last sentence, boom, you come up with this cliff-hanger that's totally distanced from everything else. And a cloaked figure? >< Please plz not more ring wraiths.
You can do better.
And that is all I have on the piece! This was so perfect, so lovely. Your descriptions are like honeycomb - so so sweet, but giving you something to chew and savor for a long while. There are so many places in this chapter, like the last one, that I want to cut out and stick to my wall so I can read it again later. I think Jacob is very much like his father, and I love going through the piece alongside him. I know the characters will most likely change as you go farther along in the book, but as of right now, he's my favorite character.
PLEASE keep writing this. It's beautiful.
~Darth Timmyjake
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Reviews: 1007
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