z

Young Writers Society



Grimm 2.2

by GoldFlame, Pompadour


A fog crept through the town.

He and his mother sat on the living room couch, watching her favorite show. It was a cheesy comedy, some sort of plot involving Patricia loving Harry but John loving Patricia and Patricia's best friend being married to John, and they aired it every Saturday. You could always anticipate all the jokes.

Patricia said something idiotic again. Jacob's mother, who was eating pie and sausages at the same time and had begun to choke with laughter, coughed onto her plate a wad of half-chewed protein and carbohydrates. This provoked another round of laughter. Jacob sighed, leaning back into his seat.

"Let's do something today, why don't we?" he suggested.

"You can't see an inch in front of your nose out there." Mrs. Grimm waved vaguely at the window before returning her attention to the telly screen. Her eyes reflected its flickering light.

"Inside, I mean. Like a board game. We have Ouija and Twister and Clue, and a bunch of other stuff that's collecting dust in the cabinet. And you used to read stories to me. I liked that."

She laughed. "You're too old for that," she said.

"Fables and fairytales were your favorite, remember? 'The Sheep and the Swallow'?"

But it was like talking to a robot, whose lexicon consisted solely of the phrases "I don't feel like it," "can't you do that yourself?", and "I'm busy, honey; go yabber about your day elsewhere." Jacob could hardly believe this was the woman who put his dinner in the blender when he couldn't recite a prayer, or when he'd forgotten to pray before bedtime and she made him read half the New Testament before giving him permission to leave the house--as if the grief had swallowed her completely. Swallowed her and defecated her into a toilet only too happy to flush her away, and he sure wasn't going down into the sewers to retrieve the remnants.

"Here." A brief moment of hope as she dragged her gaze from the telly and searched through the books on the coffee table. Then it was extinguished as she emerged holding a paper clip. "Be creative. You have four hours to impress me."

Disgusted, Jacob left.

There remained just enough brain in Mrs. Grimm to make dinner and go to work, but otherwise she'd lapsed into a state of near-quiesence. The job had fallen to Jacob to keep the family functioning. He was eleven years old. Wilhelm was ten.

In the beginning, she'd depended on her own siblings to fix their financial issues.She worked a job at a local grocery store that sold everything from bread to bread--really, she'd joked in the days that she was still partially sane, they have two-and-a-half different brands of pumpernickel, and you can even get a four-pound bag of breadcrumbs. It wasn't anything near enough to support the family. And in the beginning, her siblings had answered her call. They fed her a bit of money, and it should've been enough, in addition to the money the government had given her ... but she'd blown it.

That was when it became clear to her children something was wrong.

Jacob sat on the front steps of the house. The fog that'd been creeping through the town brushed softly his face and neck. He touched the area of contact, absentminded, certain for a moment he'd felt something, but returned his hand to his lap and continued staring at the horizon.

It'd been about ten minutes before he was alerted to a presence behind him.

"Bored?" said Wilhelm.

Wilhelm was thirteen months younger than Jacob, with a feminine chin and round cheekbones. People knew him as the charismatic person of the family, the child that'd inherited all his parents' best traits, and they wondered how he and Jacob maintained such a strong friendship.

"No," said Jacob, "I'm occupied with staring into space. It takes a lot of concentration. See, you have to select a point to fix your eyes on, and you can't stray from that point, and you have to tilt your head to the left a perfect thirty-six-degree angle that just enables you to drift off without looking idiotic."

"And then?"

"And then," said Jacob, "you have to sift through your brain for a mindless topic to mindlessly think about for the next five minutes. This is the most difficult part."

"You're weird," said Wilhelm.

There's the charismatic guy for you.

"I brought a baseball if you want to play catch in the yard, but it looks like you're occupied, so..."

Jacob leapt up, so suddenly it was as if a porcupine had crawled underneath him. "Daydreaming can wait."

They relocated to the front yard and threw the ball back and forth a few times before it became evident the fog had confused their hand-eye coordination. They tried moving to the driveway, but that was worse, so they trudged back toward the front steps and sat, tossing the ball up in the air. Wilhelm dug some peanuts from his pocket and began snacking.

"This is exciting."

"Yeah," Jacob agreed. "Got my baseball, peanuts, and a bit of fog. I'm ready for an adventure."

"Who said I was giving you any peanuts?"

But two seconds later Wilhelm was dumping unshelled peanuts into Jacob's hand, muttering, "You have a rubbish puppy-dog face."

"That's my normal face," said Jacob.

"It's still rubbish."

Then the door creaked open behind them. There was their younger sister, something that looked like cheap lipstick smeared on her lips, and their even younger brother, marinara sauce smeared on his face. They smiled expectantly. "We're bored," Jacob's sister announced. She was shifting her weight from foot to foot. Jacob guessed she'd been trying to quiet their brother with spaghetti and meatballs, the only food he was willing to eat, and that she wanted to leave the house before someone could command her to do the dishes. It was her least favorite chore--she often tried to bribe Jacob by offering to do his homework.

"Good for you," he returned.

"We want to walk around town, but Mom says we should have adult supervision."

"Me?"

His brother nodded, shoving his thumb into his mouth.

"It's not like I was doing anything important, I guess." Jacob rose to his feet. He looked at Wilhelm and said, "Coming?"

"Of course!"

He snorted. There should've been a law against acting so cheery in dismal weather. They walked down the street, Wilhelm linking hands with their younger siblings and Jacob keeping his firmly by his side. The sun twinkled above them, creating shadows across the pavement and asphalt and trees, and walking past the graveyard, behind the tombstones. Something was vaguely unsettling about the way they cut through the fog. Elliptical. Like hands stretching outward.

And if Jacob hadn't been so preoccupied keeping his siblings under control, he might've noticed the cloaked figure behind them, with his fingers wrapped around a ruby-topped cane.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Tue Jun 09, 2015 1:43 pm
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



I am hereeee

There's basically nothing for me to say here, except to gush some compliments and leave with a few measly nitpicks. But that's nothing unusual for me when I come to review your pieces. Let me see what damage I can do~

First - I love the detail you give the mother here. In the first half of the chapter, I thought you'd neglected the mother and just left a shadow of a character for us to hang in the corner, forgotten. But no, you didn't do that. Bringing her to life and how she felt from the father's death was perfect, but did more than establish her change and her character - it also showed a lot of Jacob and how he reacted to such things. And so you built both characters at the same time - perfect. Again. xd

She laughed. "You're too old for that," she said.


Oh, you silleh person. The first sentence does the entire job you placed on the tagline's shoulder. Remove the she said and everything will read just as though it was there, but cleaner. :3 Because it's unnecessary. The reader gathers the mum is talking.

she made him read half the New Testament before giving him permission to leave the house


0.O ohmygosh, this mum has changed so much. xD Perfect example.

as she emerged holding a paper clip


... A paper clip? Um, what's the point of that? I don't think I'm seeing the same picture as the other readers here, or maybe just not the same picture as you. >< Because I'm assuming there's paper attached, but it doesn't say that. It only refers to a paper clip... which is useless without something to hold together.
Maybe I'm rambling without purpose now.

really, she'd joked in the days that she was still partially sane, they have two-and-a-half different brands of pumpernickel, and you can even get a four-pound bag of breadcrumbs.


You do this often, and sometimes spreading the dialogue in-between a long long tagline/narrative is okay, but in a place like this, it read awkwardly. I think you could play around with it and put the dialogue together and the mid-section in one piece, too. Or perhaps just remove the really. It reads as a superfluous word, anyway.

I like Wilhelm. He's funneh - especially his name he called Jacob. Oh, the characters you create, Goldy. They're always so perfect. <3

There was their younger sister, something that looked like cheap lipstick smeared on her lips, and their even younger brother, marinara sauce smeared on his face.


Another awkward sentence. You know what to do~

Now I'm having a difficult time picturing the ages of the younger sister. You say she's the younger, and then you talk about the cheap lipstick... which makes me think of a younger girl, maybe eleven or twelve. But then you talk about her doing Jacob's homework, which is definitely not something a girl of that age would be doing. And THEN you refer to Jacob as an adult, but if he's an adult, he's above eighteen (or at least in American standards xd), so he probably wouldn't have homework.... Unless he was in college, something I think would have been mentioned already. So maybe spend a bit more time establishing their ages and all?

Another time is the walk into town, when Wilhelm holds his younger sibling's hands. Who are they? Like, you don't have to name them, but on the walk to town, I'm not seeing the nameless younger sister. All I see are Jacob, Wilhelm, and assumed toddlers walking along beside them. Perhaps build that picture a bit more. :3

he might've noticed the cloaked figure behind them, with his fingers wrapped around a ruby-topped cane.


Hm. I thought about this for quite a long while, wondering if I should call it out or not - then deciding to. I'm going to call it not cliché, although I think it borders on it. Instead, it goes in my book as just a shabby cliffhanger... and I don't have a way of explaining with any amazing reasoning why I think so, but I basically rolled my eyes when I came to the ending, because it reads like you came to a stop and then had a brain freeze, realizing the reader needed motivation to continue. So you pasted that little bit above in there to keep them going. It's disjointed from the piece, seeing that the entire chapter is focused on Jacob - and then last sentence, boom, you come up with this cliff-hanger that's totally distanced from everything else. And a cloaked figure? >< Please plz not more ring wraiths.
You can do better. ;)

And that is all I have on the piece! This was so perfect, so lovely. Your descriptions are like honeycomb - so so sweet, but giving you something to chew and savor for a long while. There are so many places in this chapter, like the last one, that I want to cut out and stick to my wall so I can read it again later. I think Jacob is very much like his father, and I love going through the piece alongside him. I know the characters will most likely change as you go farther along in the book, but as of right now, he's my favorite character.

PLEASE keep writing this. It's beautiful.
~Darth Timmyjake




GoldFlame says...


Gah, this review made my day. <33

The fluency stuff is all on point--I'll work on the paper clip and the way the background's introduced. And you're right, cliffhangers have never really been my cup of tea. XD Plot twist: It was actually a Ringwraith. The ruby-topped cane was supposed to refer to Rep, but the description's way too ambiguous, I think. Hm. Maybe I'll add something about a scruffy beard.

Thanks so much! ^_^



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Sun Jun 07, 2015 5:39 am
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Goldflame and Pompadour!

It's me again :) Once again, just like before I don't really have too much to say. I found this chapter to be just as brilliantly written as the first. I love your writing style and the description of them breaking through the fog was so beautiful :) I also liked how we have some of the younger siblings appearing in this one for the first time, because I was very curious about them. It was also sad to see what has happened to Mrs. Grimm. Mourning can affect us all in different ways, and it seems to have made her a shell of what she used to be who has simply stopped caring about her family. And you also introduced an element of mystery here with the man following them. I'm looking forward to finding out where that could possibly go in the future!

He was eleven years old. Wilhelm was ten.


Okay, I'm now going to mention the other siblings again. I understand the focus should mostly be on Jacob and Wilhelm for obvious reasons, but the mention of Wilhelm here was fairly random seeing as we weren't talking about him before. Because of that I simply assumed you were going to mention the rest of the siblings... but you didn't. I would either make this statement all inclusive by saying that the other ones were younger than "whatever" age, or hold off telling us how old Wilhelm is until we get to meet him. Or just leave it at mentioning that Wilhelm is thirteen months younger and leave it up to the reader to figure the age out.

I found it strange that even though he was pestering his mother to play with him, he didn't even consider asking his siblings if they wanted to do anything? Maybe you should mention that he didn't want to play in particular, he just wanted to have a moment with his old mother as she used to be back. Or maybe mention that his siblings wouldn't like to be disturbed if they were doing anything, so he pushes the thought out of his mind. I just felt like he had more options there that he didn't even give a moment to consider.

There was their younger sister, something that looked like cheap lipstick smeared on her lips


After the comma I would have the word 'with' there.

I don't have anything more I can say. I loved reading this, and I hope the writing is going well. Remember to keep me updated whenever you two post anything more, kay? I need to keep reading ^^ I hope it will be soon!

Deanie x




GoldFlame says...


Thank you <3



User avatar
299 Reviews


Points: 24185
Reviews: 299

Donate
Sun May 31, 2015 4:12 pm
View Likes
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Wow, this is quite the story you have here. Excellent job! :D I'm impressed with the way that you've crafted the story, its characters, and what happens to them over the course of the story. I have to admit, I feel bad for the mother. It's obvious that she used to be strict, firm, and commanding, and somewhat decent. After all, it takes a strict person to put your children's dinner in a blender when he couldn't recite a prayer. However, now that her husband has died, she's fallen a long way, and that saddens me. I'm surprised how easily she laughs at everything now, affixed to work, the television, and menial tasks in her life, and yet ignores her own children and their problems. She doesn't want to play board games with her child, nor tell him stories, and it's heartbreaking how grief has dragged her into this terrible state of mind. The way you set up the gloomy tone is excellent, even without the foggy skies and dull atmosphere.

The characters are excellent, and so are your descriptions. I like Jacob. His sense of sarcasm is hilarious, and it's interesting seeing how perceptive he is of everything around him. Wilhelm seems fun and eager, smiling even in the midst of the depressing weather. It's always nice to see an optimist in stories - they add to the mood, even if their actions are contradictory to the dullness of everything around them. Their younger siblings are also fun, and the way this story comes across is beautiful.

Oooh...a mysterious figure? The ending to this story is chilling - the way you describe the gravestones like hands rising out of the earth is interesting, but the cloaked figure with the ruby-topped cane is scary. Who is this man? Why he is watching a group of children? What's going to happen next? This chapter leaves a lot of questions in the readers mind, leaving them unsure as to what might occur next, and I'm impressed with how well you leave your readers eager for more. Well done!

As a suggestion, there is a little ambiguity when you incorporate the following sentences: "It didn't take much to set her off these days...and he said "these days"...." In the first portion of the sentences, it sounds like another note from the narrator. However, in the second portion of the sentences, it sounds like what has been said previously has come out of Jacob's mouth, instead of the narrator's. This is a little ambiguous, because I'm assuming that this is the product of the narrator's descriptions, but I'm not entirely sure.

In conclusion, this is an amazing story. The depth of your character development and the tone of the story is fantastic, and I look forward to seeing future chapters. Well done! This is great! :D




GoldFlame says...


Thank you so much! That was an amazing review. :D

I'll definitely take your suggestions and work on making the beginning smoother. I agree, it's a bit clunky right now.



User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 30
Reviews: 61

Donate
Sun May 10, 2015 2:28 pm
View Likes
Linguistic wrote a review...



'Ello! Anna Rae here for a review.

Let me just say to start this off that I absolutely LOVE Grimm fairytales. I love fairy tales period, but Grimm is the best, so I was really excited to read this.

You've done a marvelous job with it so far, I must say. Your dialogue is amazing, and I'm gonna guess that that's your strong point when it comes to writing ;) awesome job with that. I do feel like, however, you lack some necessary description along with your dialogue. Maybe spice it up a tad with some imagery to really pull the reader the rest of the way. Because dialogue can keep the story afloat, but description really gets it moving.

A few other things I noticed:

-"It didn't take much to set her off these days." This sentence seems kind of random. One minute you're talking about a show, and then this. I would change "her" to "his mother" or something to clarify it a bit more

-the beginning seems a bit all over the place to me. Like there's too much going on - too many ideas that aren't blended together. It's like reading a bullet pointed list. Add some transitions

But other than those tidbits, I thought the piece was pretty amazing, and the ending was positively perfect. Cliffhangers are bae ;)

I look forward to reading more :)




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! Will definitely reference this when we edit. :)




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta