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Young Writers Society


12+

Grimm 1.2

by Pompadour, GoldFlame


"There's no need to be such a crankpot," Rep said, rolling his cane between his palms, and Jacob saw that it was topped with a ruby-red skull. Rep had always carried that around with him, for as long as he could remember. "Tell me," the Reaper continued, "have you had your middle-age crisis yet?"

"What do you want, Rep?" Jacob repeated tersely. He was beginning to wish he had never come to the lake, but he knew that Rep wouldn't be here if it wasn't important. Reapers and humans avoided each other, as was a general rule, but Rep seemed to be breaking a lot of rules by meeting up with him.

"Jeez, we are in a hurry, aren't we? Can't an old friend--"

"We were never friends, Rep!" Jacob was seething as he spoke, nails digging into the dirt; he tore at blades of grass and tried to calm himself. "You've ruined my life countless times, ever since the beginning of one world and the dying of the next--and you know it!"

"Steady there," Rep said, but he sounded more amused then gentle. "You know that neither I nor you have any say in how this world runs, Grimm. Death must swoop down unto us all, and we are but marionettes being played with on the burning sand." He laid a gloved hand on Jacob's shoulder, and Jacob flinched. Rep, however, seemed to be unperturbed as he continued. "'Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair ...'"

"Don't quote Tennyson at me," Jacob mumbled, attempting to stifle a sob and failing, so that he sounded as if he was choking. Tennyson had been Wilhelm's favorite poet, and hearing Rep recite his poetry was just another reminder that he would never see his brother again. Jacob wiped his face on his trouser leg, feeling more like a child than the almost-eighty-year-old man he was.

"Tennyson's all the rage in Casteria these days, haven't you heard?" Rep said cheerily, patting Jacob on the back. "But that's not why I came here. No."

"Then why did you come here," Jacob pressed, getting annoyed now, "if it wasn't to mock me? Or do you still intend to do that?"

"I'm sorry about Wilhelm, Jacob, but his time had come. Anyway, it's not because of him that I'm here." Rep flicked at the jeweled skull on his cane as he spoke, and removed his hat, placing it on the ground beside him. "Bother, but it is humid here," he said.

Jacob gritted his teeth. Rep was one of the most irritating people he had ever met, always trying his patience. He had never understood the man. He was much more than mortal and yet it was as if he was several people in one body. He didn't belong anywhere, yet he was everwhere. What was worse was the fact that he knew it, and quite enjoyed testing Jacob's nerves. His dark eyes glinted at Jacob almost mischeviosly, but darkened as he spoke:

"Durthnor's dead."

"What?" Shock sprinted down Jacob's spine; his mouth fell open and he found it rather hard to speak. Durthnor--invincible, the legendary king--was dead?

"How?" Jacob spluttered, raking a hand through his gray curls. "It's been--so long, but--I'd never have expected--" He was on his feet now, pacing, though he couldn't remember just when he'd managed to stand up. The woods seemed to whisper about this revelation and as Jacob tried to collect himself, his scattered thoughts, he felt that even the moon might be listening.

"We all were just as surprised when we heard," Rep said, and for the first time that night, Jacob thought he heard a trace of exhaustion in his voice. He looked at the Reaper sharply.

"You didn't know about this?" he demanded. "How couldn't you? I mean, you're a Reaper, for God's sake! You know when and where and how to bottle souls. He can't just've died without you knowing."

"But he did," Rep replied. "There are more powerful Reapers than me, Jacob, and don't you forget it." Getting to his feet, he brushed the dust off his tailcoat and picked up his hat, and walked over to Jacob until the old man's withered face was level with his ageless one. All was silent as he peered into Jacob's eyes, taking in the lines etched into his skin, like folds in an old cloak that'd been tucked away into an attic and left to gather dust. He looked moth-eaten, if it were possible for people to look moth-eaten, and purple bruises hung like broken wings below his eyes; but his glance was as steely, and the brown as clear as it had been at thirteen. It was a rather strange sight: Two men--one old and decrepit, the other tall and youthful--standing on the bank of a lake in the dead of the night, studying each other closely.

"You've changed," Rep said quietly, to break the silence.

"You haven't," Jacob countered, and Rep laughed. He stopped quickly, though, and let his breath out slowly before continuing.

"I was supposed to carry your soul away tonight," he said, turning his gaze towards the moon as it dipped over their heads. "But I had to tell you about Durthnor and--" he hesitated, fingering the brim of his hat nervously. "Casteria needs you, Grimm. You're old and a ruin, but Casteria needs you."

Jacob threw his head back and laughed, letting his bitterness soak into the sound. "Casteria may have needed me forty-five years ago, Rep, but it doesn't need me now. Let death take me, because it'll probably hurt less. Besides," he said, lowering his voice 'til it was almost a whisper, "Wilhelm probably misses me."

Rep tapped his cane on the ground, driving the pointed end into the dying autumn leaves that were scattering around them. It seemed as if he was debating with himself over the matter.

"No, Jacob. I'm not taking you away tonight." Rep averted his eyes from the old man's as he spoke, knowing very well the glare he would encounter if he were to meet them. Rep was a Reaper, but even he'd never liked looking at despair in the face.

"I knew you were a selfish, spiteful pig, Rep," Jacob whispered, voice trembling with rage and suppressed emotion. "But you cannot deny death to me! Reunite me with Wilhelm." Desperation entered his voice, obvious in every word that spilled from his lips. "Please, Rep!" Jacob said. "Please!"

"You've gotten weak with age, Grimm. Are you willing to turn your back on the one story you never put to words? Come with me. Come to Casteria and use your gifts one last time." Rep was adamant and Jacob could see as much, but this was a story that Jacob had sworn not to tell the world. It was entirely too painful--too dark for the page to capture. Darker than all the other stories they had told.

"I can't," Jacob said, wringing his arms uselessly. "I don't remember half the details and besides, I haven't tried painting in ages. I wouldn't know what words to use or how to--"

"Quit blabbering." Rep poked a finger in his ear and rubbed it hard. "Gosh, humans are difficult to deal with. I'll show you everything, okay?"

"From the beginning?"

"Not exactly," Rep shrugged. "We're aiming for sometime after our first meeting. 'Course you didn't see me then, but ..." he trailed away as Jacob paled, and he knew he was remembering. Before the old man had a chance to say anything, Rep had grasped his frail hand and pulled him into the lake after him, not even pausing as Jacob let out an "Oh!" of surprise. They waded into the muddy water until it was up to their chests, Jacob shivering slightly; but Rep was grinning as if he was having the time of his life.

"Now, remember, it's kind of like being dead in the fact that your consciousness won't be working at all--but no need to worry; you'll remember everything as clear as a ..." His forehead crinkled as he tried to remember. "As a whistle, I think. That's what you say, right?"

"It's actually as clear as crystal," Jacob said weakly, teeth chattering from the cold.

"Ah, as clear as a chrysalis, then!" Rep chirped, right before taking Jacob by the arm and dragging him underwater.

The surface of the lake gurgled as the two men dove into its turbid depths. The sky was lightening overhead, streaking the horizon with lines of purple and gold; they twisted and carved a path through the stars like a mosaic, until they had disappeared. The moon gave way to the sun.

Below, the lake stilled, its swarthy surface a jet-black sheen, mellowing to a brown as the sun rose. There was nothing to suggest that anyone had been there the night before, being swallowed by the squalid water.

Nothing except a cane that hung by the branch of a tree, jeweled skull glinting slyly in the sun.

~End of Chapter One~



Chapter 2.1: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/GoldFlame/Grimm-21-112808

Chapter 2.2: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=120639#c538348


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Tue Jun 24, 2014 5:36 pm
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Deanie says...



D: You mentioned Tennyson!
Let me know when the next chapter comes!
I can't find anything to pick out here either >< It's too amazing...




Pompadour says...


Tennyson, yersh. <3



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Mon Jun 23, 2014 1:17 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy has decided to join the party of already awesome reviewers... Tis hard to find anything really to nitpick on this piece, since everyone else has found them so beautifully! I will have to do the best I can, though, to find something here to help you with--besides loading you with much deserved praise.

While I did sense both a style shift(somewhat) and a character shift, I thought that it was an excellent opportunity for me to get to know the character better. His personality and his past, and I absolutely loved the fact that you didn't fill this chapter with a lot of background story, which can be an easy trap to fall into with dialogue. Instead, you fed us little tidbits of backstory, almost like little doggy treats, and waited for us to fully taste them before you fed us more. Amazing job with that. :)


Rep was saying now, rolling his cane between his palms, and Jacob saw that it was topped with a ruby-red skull.


This opening(well, second) sentence seemed very forced, and not really Pompy in its pattern. Would you mind if I threw in a suggestion?

Rep said now, rolling his cane between his palms. Jacob saw that it was topped with a ruby-red skull.

Feeble example, but I hope you get what I am trying to say.

Jacob was seething as he spoke


I would try to avoid the passive tone. So, where you say "was seething", you could just as easily say "seethed". Something that both Microsoft Word and my writers group hit me over the head with. Funny. For once, Mic Word happened to actually know something!

and we are but marionettes being played on the burning sand.


This sentence didn't make sense to me, and I think its because plays are played. Marionettes are played with.
I love your examples, by the way. They are so amazing.

Jacob wiped his face on his trouser leg, feeling more like a child than the almost-eighty-year-old man he was.


I feel like I have either been missing something or some tidbit was left out of the story. This guy is eighty years old? I didn't know that! And I think that its something that the reader should have learned straight away, primarily because an old man would both look and act differently than a younger man. Like the usage of the cane you mentioned in the first paragraph--which made sense except for I never imagined the characters as being old until you mentioned their age. Their bones didn't creak, and their voices didn't waver or warble like old people's voices do.
I just think that the tiniest bit of info there in the earlier parts would help clear that up.

Durthnor--invincible, the legendary king--was dead?


I think this sentence would word better as, Durthnor--the invincible, legendary king--was dead?

He can't just've died without you


More of a stylistic nitpick, but those two contractions right next to each other were very distracting. I think if you said, He can't have just died without you... T'would work better, I think. :)


~End of Chapter One~


That was a beautiful first chapter, and I really enjoyed both reading and reviewing it. You have this way of both expressing your character's thoughts and opinions, without muddling the narrative or the scene with over usage of that part of the work. The dialogue was formatted perfectly, as much as I could see. Actually, I don't think I have ever seen an issue with your grammar, really, besides my stylistic nitpicks. I am jealous. :P

So Jacob is the Grimm, then? This is going to be very interesting, and I am mucho happy that I know absolutely nothing about the Grimm Brothers, because this going to make it so much more fun for me.

A whole new story, fashioned by two of my favorite artists. Keep me notified you two, and I will come on in--cape flapping behind me on the breeze. :P
~Darth Timmyjake




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Sun Jun 22, 2014 4:18 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Pompy, Goldie, I'm baaack! XD

First of all I'm going to say that I heavily agree with all of what Dragon said, and she covered alot of what I had wanted to say.

Main Points

ever since the beginning of one world and the dying of the next


Ooooh, sounds interesting, and big. :D

The vulture of death


I'm not too hyped about this one. Don't vultures feed on things that are already dead? The image that you cast here is that the vulture is responsible for the death, which they are usually not. Unless... you did this on purpose? To foreshadow something? o.O

"What do you want, Rep?"


Jacob had been so keen not to talk before, so I find him repeating his question weird. I felt like he might have scowled and turned away or something instead.

Jacob mumbled, attempting to stifle a sob and failing,


I strongly agree with Dragon on this one. It was just so out of character with the deep thinking guy we saw before.

not bothering to keep the tears back anymore,


You say this but there's no further mention of him crying later on. It feels kind of incomplete.

Rep flicked at the jeweled skull on his staff as he spoke,


Staff and cane are not synonymous with each other. Canes are much shorter than staffs, however here you use them interchangeably which leads to the confusion of is it a staff or a cane? At the end it's hanging off a tree branch so I'm assuming it's a cane. I would correct this to avoid unwanted confusion.

Characterisations

There is a lot of character fluctuations in this with both characters. Jacob isn't too bad but Rep has me really confused. Is he the bad guy Jacob thinks he is? Or is he sympathetic? You may have done this on purpose to give him more dimensions and make him one of those hard to figure out characters, but it would be nice if you worked it in a little more subtly.

For example one minute he can't meet Jacob's eyes and the next he says: "You've gotten weak with age, Grimm" It's just out of sync with each other.

Also I heavily agree with Dragon about giving us more descriptions on the Reaper before hand. From what I see we'll be jumping into a different time and place, so that means the characters aren't exactly the same which means you won't get another chance soon to describe the Reaper's clothing. It's best that you do so in this chapter so that we can get a better sense of what he's like.
Though, I'm not too fussed about the whole reaper bombshell, I actually thought that was quite good. :)

Overall it was an interesting read, and despite me being a little mean I'm so sorry, I don't know what's come over me I really enjoyed it. I think you've been steadily laying the foundations of intrigue to get the reader curious about the story. The fact that he has a "gift", that he paints, and the whole idea of the reaper being involved and the portal all make me curious. I can't wait to read more! Keep up the great work and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Sun Jun 22, 2014 12:49 am
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Wow, feel the character shift. Jacob goes from being completely reluctant to talk, to major dialogue. I'd recommend laying off the chatter, or at least add some more description. As is, this shifts from novel to script feel.

"Steady there," Rep said, and his voice was strangely gentle.

And he was strangely helpful. Rep doesn't strike me as a character who's benevolent whenever the need arises. Maybe he's being manipulative, but the character development struck me as off.

Jacob mumbled, attempting to stifle a sob and failing, so that he sounded as if he was choking.

That brought a mental cringe on. Don't be so melodramatic. Would Jacob really be ready to sob from having Tennyson quoted at him? (Okay, so maybe anyone would, but they'd have to recognize it first. :P )

He wiped his face on his trouser leg, feeling more like a child than the almost-eighty-year-old man he was.

Well no wonder he does. That's how you're portraying him right now. Please, be careful with the characterization.

"But that's not why I came here, no."

That "no" feels extraneous. Either make it a separate sentence and say why he's saying no, or toss it out. It's just written verbal clutter.

Rep flicked at the jeweled skull on his staff as he spoke...

??? Where in the world did this come from? I would've needed a much better description in the preceding chapter not to be blown away by that. As is, I have little to no idea what Rep really looks like. Where'd this staff come from? What other morbid attire does he have that we don't know about? So he's a "Reaper" then? What?
That was extremely confusing and curveballing where it was placed. I'd advise going back and adding in some character description in the 1.1.

Jacob threw his head back and laughed, letting his bitterness soak into the sound.

Good return to character there.

Rep averted his eyes from the old man's as he spoke, knowing very well the glare he would encounter if he were to meet them.

And now we're back out of character. I feel like you can't decide if you want to stick with the "bad boy" image Rep's already created, or if you want him to be the sympathetic, elderly mentor character. The two sides aren't mixing well.

It was entirely too painful--too dark for the page to capture.

That is a promise you'd better keep. Have you read the unedited, uncleansed versions of some of the Grimm brothers' fairy tales? There's a reason they're called "grim."

They waded into the muddy water until it was up to their chests, Jacob shivering slightly; but Rep was grinning as if he was having the time of his life.

That semi-colon makes the sentence read a bit awkwardly. I'd advise either changing it to a comma, or breaking it into two sentences.

And below, the lake stilled...

Why is there an "And" at the beginning of a paragraph?
If you want to keep the and, then connect that paragraph back to the preceding one. If not, delete the "And" and caps accordingly. (I'd recommend the latter.)

Overall, I'd say that all you really need to do (after checking your characterization) is modify Rep's character description in the preceding chapter-half. Waiting to see where the story heads from here.

Hope this helps!




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"The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. It is a sad spectacle to see the weaklings bruised, exhausted, fluttering back to earth."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening