*Read Fault in our stars and I won't say that I cried for a long time or that I tried to magically bring back Gus with my terrible Fanfic writing. :) *
<< Every time I think of you,
I build my walls.
I'm scared to let you in
I don't want to be broken again. >>
<< Build up a fortress,
And don't tell me where you do that
So that I can never find it.
Forever I'll be lost and forever you'll be safe. >>
<< Maybe for you, I'll risk it all,
Maybe I'll let you break down my walls,
I'll let myself be pierced by the thorns,
So that you can get through it all.
All you have to do is teach me what love is,
Something that I have never learned in my short life.
Show me what it feels like to be in bliss
Take me away to Neverland. >>
<< I can try to show you what love is,
I don't know myself
But together we can find it,
Maybe in each other, we will find love,
And it's mysterious.
Your walls are so high though,
But I know I can break them
There's limitless beauty inside,
And I want to come in;
Just to tell you,
How beautiful your castle is.
Instead of thorns,
We will plant flowers,
And water them with our love:
To let them bloom
Inside our hearts. >>
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Wesh! Professor Jade here. You have already had a lot of feedback, but let's se what I can do.
!
Spoiler
Girl's POV
Every time I think of you,
I build my walls.
I'm scared to let you in
I don't want to be broken again.
This is a great start to a poem. I love how you have it in bold, because that feels like a creative mood to prove a point. This is deep and relatable and I won't say to change anything.
Guy's POV
Build up a fortress,
And don't tell me where you do that
So that I can never find it.
Forever I'll be lost and forever you'll be safe.
The building metaphors are a smart idea. I like the alternating POVs but maybe add stanzas? And instead of saying forever twice, maybe substitute one for eternally or another synonym.
Girl's POV
Maybe for you I'll risk it all,
Maybe I'll let you break down my walls,
I'll let myself be pierced by the thorns,
So that you can get through it all.
All you have to do is teach me what love is,
Something that I have never learnt in my short life.
Show me what it feels like to be in bliss
Take me away to neverland.
these people sound so real. So congrats on that! The doubt and fear and love scream out all at the same time and it's like colors!
Anyways, let's just skip to the last few lines.
We will plant flowers,
And water them with our love:
To let them bloom
Inside our hearts.
Yes, what a good ending! I love poems with an emotional ending
OVERALL: I like all the metaphors you have mixed in and I give this a 7 out of 10. Maybe in future make each POV about the same length and I'll admit the flow is wacky. Other than that, good job.
I hope this helped.
-Professor Jade
Hi! Manilla here for a review. I'm sorry I didn't get to this as quickly as I should've, but let's get right into this, shall we?
As a reader
Toboldlygo has already mentioned the formatting tips that I would've said. They improve readability.
These fantastical elements do a nice job of adding to the pictures you create between two voices. The style is simple enough to almost be dialogue, which adds its own flair of honesty to it.
A thing about the punctuation, though - sometimes there are periods and commas and sometimes there is none. Some line breaks break up the solid ideas you're trying to convey. For example:
I read a pause between "bloom" and "inside". They are one, cohesive thought, but that line break splits it up and can sometimes confuse leaders. But other times, these line breaks are necessary, because to me this reads so much like dialogue.
Punctuation in poetry is a beast to tackle, but reading it aloud can help. Most of the poem is good on this, so don't fret too much. With each type of poetry comes unwritten punctuation rules, so keep experimenting along.
As a writer
This was sweet! Really sweet. The girl's voice in particular is so heartfelt and genuine. But in the third stanza, the tone shifts.
It sounds threatening. I know that wasn't your intention, but you can rearrange the words to better fit your meaning.
Not necessarily a critique, but a comment: A lot of your sentences/lines fit into poetry format are quite varying in length. Sometimes it's just more quick, like dialogue, or longer and flowing like a poem more. Play with the consistency of this, but this could be affected by the multiple, human voices.
Compared with:
I feel like this was a confusing review. Hmu if you have questions and keep on writing, because you stir a lot of emotion with poetry.
-Manilla out
I hope this helps. Keep writing!
Myers here. Let's agree to disagree, shall we?
First thing, the first and the second stanza are good, as they go with the flow. But the second stanza kind of acts like a "beware notice" and it suggests that the girl should stay away from the boy. It's like the boy is saying he would hurt the girl, like is he knows that he would. And the following stanza feels like breaking the flow that should have followed the first two stanzas.
The poem is like a dialogue between the two people, so it should be like responding to each other's fears and hopes. I mean, the second stanza, boy's POV, embraces his side that the girl is afraid of, and then the following stanza, all of sudden, changes his mind ? So either the second stanza, where you have shown the POV of a boy, doesn't fit in the poem or the stanzas after that one?
Give it a read keeping that in mind ?
beautifully written and very romantic!
You created very strong images to give the reader a concrete idea of an abstract feeling.
I think the introduction of "girl's POV" and "guy's POV" breaks a little the natural flow of the poem. Maybe you could have expressed the same idea by building the poem as a dialogue in prose-like style, leaving more to the reader's interpretation. Something like this:
<<Every time I think of you,
I build my walls.
I'm scared to let you in
I don't want to be broken again. >>
<< Build up a fortress,
And don't tell me where you do that
So that I can never find it.
Forever I'll be lost and forever you'll be safe. >>
That's just my humble personal opinion, I think your work is great!
Thank you so much!!! And I'll try to work on the format.
Hi there! Tobodlygo here for a review!
Firstly, I wanted to bring up the formatting. I think it could be better done, perhaps by only bolding the Girl's POV and Guy's POV, but leaving the rest of the text blank? You can also put the lines closer to each other by clicking on </> in the box, and then deleting all those < p> things you see, putting the lines however you want them, and then putting < br> on every single line, even intentionally blank lines. This way, your lines will be closer together and more easily readable. Your bold text should (if I'm remembering my html code properly), say something like < strong> on each side of the bolded text (the last one might read something like < /emstrong>). There should be no spaces in either of these!
Here's a link to more about editing poetry if you're interested. Obviously it's up to you and I think it looks great as it is, it was just something I was really excited to see in a review so I'm passing it on.
Formating Poetry #2
On to the poem itself. I think it's really cool how you show both the Girl's point of view and the Guy's point of view. It reminds me of an ancient Japanese style of poetry called renku. Very, very cool to see it.
I also really like how strong your descriptions are. Walls, towers, flowers, gardens, all very romantic images and very pretty!
Great job!
Toboldlygo
Hello,
This is a really nicely written poem! I love how you showed a love story from two different perspectives... I think this really enhanced the idea and allowed readers to understand these characters more. I usually see romantic poems based on one characters thoughts, so it's great to see you showing us the thoughts and feelings of two different sides!
I really like these lines you ended off with. This section has good metaphors and imagery... its overall a strong way to end off.
The only thing I want to point out is how quickly the thoughts of these two transition from wanting to be apart to suddenly wanting to be together. In the first two POVs, the girl says that she want to "build up a wall" to protect herself, and the guy agrees to forever keep her safe. Though in the next two POVs, he wants to break down her walls. I dont know if this makes sense, but I just think the transition is a little too fast. I don't know how u can fix This, but I just wanted to point it out.
Anyway, great job, this is really well done!
Keep Writing
Thank you so much for the review! I understand your concern and will try to make it better.
Your welcome