Just five minutes longer

I love this poem! I liked how you used such vivid imagery and metaphor to describe such a difficult and complex feeling. I could really picture what you were describing. I particularly enjoyed "her heart struggled against it's [sic] hard-bound leash," and "holding onto her faint words like a lost lover." I think the last line would be stronger if you deleted "and forever..." but obviously as the writer it's your call. Hope to read more of your work!

Hi Girl!

I am totally on board with Hannah in that the rhyme you've got here is not very forced at all! We're in the same camp that basically laments anyone doing rhyming poetry because it is always so jarring and unpleasant. However, your poem works carefully with your rhyme and while I'm not 100% about it still, I think it's definitely one of the cleanest rhyming poems I've read in some time. The "Breeze/leash" is very sketchy for me, but that might be a matter of accents working against the rhyme. I also feel that the sunken/broken rhyme doesn't work as well as it could, but that might just be because I think both of those words are very noticeable words, they're eye-catching so when they're used together I get a bit distracted.

Enough about the rhyme! I really enjoyed the tone of this poem, though if I am being entirely honest I felt that it started off slowly and the third line put me off a little bit - it is a cliched image and I think by looking at the rest of the poem you could probably create a much more interesting and emotive image here. It does what it needs to, but your poem can be more than just serviceable. I'd also really like to see you break up the "her" completely once you make that change in the fifth line because I think that repetition isn't useful until the 9th line again ("her soul...") where it becomes a great link back to the original tone. I know that will play with your lines a little bit but on the plus side it would only be two lines and I think that you could play with grammar and syntax here with something like "a long gone spirit, wholly sunken" so you're playing with the line and the image at the same time but keeping your rhyme up.

You've got a very solid ending here. Your poem actually really makes me think of the Titanic. Just that idea of icy winds and blotchy face and holding on for just one more second. I know that isn't what you're going for, you're looking at a much more metaphoric look at having to "Keep calm and Carry on" throughout your life even when you're holding on with the very last of your effort and mind. I think that comes through very clearly and thus creates a very effective poem I think you should be happy with.

Thank you for posting! If you change anything, or have any questions about my comments, please let me know. I've really enjoyed reading your work.

- PenguinAttack

i'm not a good writer myself and very new to YWS but I need to say that this poem, rhymes really good! I like it but it was kind of short, it will be better with some add-on. Somehow emotionally effective i think. Thank you for sharing !

Oh. My. Gosh. Girl.

I have reviewed a lot of poetry, and a lot of the time I have found myself needing to say "I respect the choice to rhyme, but it defeats the purpose if you are twisting sentences around to make awkward, forced rhymes". And how. refreshing. is it to not have to say that about this poem. The only place where it miiiiiiight get a bit questionable is the word "leash", but eh, I feel like you can work that line if you want to, and leave it if you don't.

My very favorite experience in this poem is after the rather matter-of-fact opening lines, when I get that sudden emotion in hesitation: "her soul... Wait" < THERE! It's like we were going down a checklist to see that every part of this being was being affected, but when we get to "soul", we're surprised -- no! That's alright! That one is still going fine and staying strong. And that builds, effectively, the entire foundation of emotion in this piece. The idea of repeating "just five minutes longer" forever and ever is a familiar feeling, but to have that set up by the idea of being surprised that your soul is still going strong is really effective, in my opinion.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you! If you have any questions or comments about the review, please feel free to PM me.

Thanks for sharing,

Hannah