Six (but really more) : Chapter 1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a review.

First Impression: Well this quite an intriguing start to a novel. There appears to be a fairly well developed world behind all of this and you seem to also have done quite some backstory stuff too. The title also is quite interesting and its pretty easy to see what it actually means. The ending though was the one part I felt could have been better.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The fading sunlight didn’t filter through Marshall’s windows. A little spell he’d pulled off recently, after determining that the rude awakenings weren’t worth being on time to meetings he didn’t care about. He checked his watch. It would be 7 very soon. After that, dark, and in the dark the Mages would appear.

Well that is quite the start there. I like that. Definitely gets your attention right away with something about to happen soon, especially with the part about it being in the dark and the fact that its usually very interesting things that go down in the dark. I also like the way you subtly introduce facts about this world with the spell you mentioned right here in the start.

Marshall yawned.

You usually use one word paragraphs for something dramatic so I don't quite think this fits and using one word paragraphs for simple things like this can often take the power out of lines that you actually want to be dramatic so be a bit careful about that.

He glanced around the room, not remembering leaving it so messy. He opened the balcony doors while simultaneously lighting a cigarette.

I believe both of those actions take two hands to do so that's a little weird to be doing simultaneously.

In the distance, a splotch of color and noise had appeared.

Not sure noise can just appear like color can but I will let that one slide for now because this is a magical place.

The Mages Festival. They chose to set up where the most concentrated magic was, besides the Mages Bureau and the Mages’ own homes.

That seems quite reasonable actually and I love that as a reason.

That would be Marshall’s house that the other Mages didn’t know about. He hoped this festival wouldn’t give them a chance to discover it. He’d worked exceptionally hard to make it undetectable, but there was always a chance the other Mages would surprise him.

Oooh so he's hiding from them, well that's even more intriguing. This story continues to just got even better.

He stood there until the cigarette had burnt down to a stump, at which point he flicked it over the balcony railing, and watched as it disappeared before landing on the gravel below.

Time to start the day in a way that he would remember.

Now that is a properly epic statement right there.

Yes, there were hundreds of other people who could have done magic. So how and why were only six people allowed to? Most of the Mages fans were people who could have done magic, had it not been stolen. Some didn’t even know. Some parents hid the truth because they didn’t want to hurt their children.

Oh wow, this world looks like it got a lot of issues, most of which may revolve around these Mage characters and I am loving it so far.

Marshall shut the balcony doors behind him, and started up the stairs to get dressed. At least they weren’t wearing costumes. He still didn’t look forward to it.

Well looks like someone is about to get suited up for a mission and I am all for it.

All the Mages’ working projects could easily be accomplished if he gave his all like the rest of them, but he never did. He didn’t savor his work. Didn’t even enjoy it a little bit. He would have preferred having no magic.

Okay, now this line is slightly odd to just randomly bring up here, I have to say that.

Hours passed. Marshall spent them in the shower, until it seemed he had just a few minutes left.

And okay, well that was kind of a strange place to end there. It just sort of hit a brick wall there instead of coming to a proper cliffhanger or gradual stop. Just doesn't feel like an ending in general.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty good first chapter, except for the ending I would say. It looks like this is set to be a very interesting story going forward and I would love to see where this leads.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi Georgie,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying the site so far. I'm here to do a very quick review for you.

I'm intrigued by the title of this work and I'm looking forward to finding out what it's in reference to. At the moment I'm thinking that there must be more mages than we initially think, so I'm interested to see what you do with this.

I'm going to start off with a few little nitpicks I noticed whilst reading and then I'll give you my overall impression at the end.

It would be 7 very soon

As a general rule, if a number is ten or under you write it as words. So here it would be seven instead of 7. It's not a hard and fast rule as far as I'm aware so it comes down to personal preference, but I think it looks neater

After that, dark, and in the dark the Mages would appear.

This is an oddly structured sentence. I would make a slight change to 'After that, it would be dark and in the dark the Mages would appear.'

The Mages Festival. They chose to set up where the most concentrated magic was, besides the Mages Bureau and the Mages’ own homes.

I'm highlighting these sentences because I'm not sure whether they are actually mistakes or not. If in Mages Festival and Mages Bureau you mean Mages plural rather than belonging to them then all is good currently. Otherwise you need to pop in an apostrophe. I feel like maybe the Mage's Bureau is missing one, but I can't be sure!

That would be Marshall’s house that the other Mages didn’t know about.

This sentence doesn't make sense on its own. Are you referring to the Mages' own homes here? I found this part hard to follow.

Marshall had to prepare for the Mages Festival appearance later.

Now this one should definitely have an apostrophe!

Yes, there were hundreds of other people who could have done magic. So how and why were only six people allowed to? Most of the Mages fans were people who could have done magic, had it not been stolen. Some didn’t even know. Some parents hid the truth because they didn’t want to hurt their children.

This seems to be a super key plot point, and I really like it! I can't help but feel, however, that perhaps you've revealed a bit too much too soon? All or part of this would be great to save for a little later once the reader is invested and asking questions about the story.

Hours passed. Marshall spent them in the shower, until it seemed he had just a few minutes left.

I'm assuming this is to convey that he doesn't care about the festival so gives it little time, but why wake up hours before he had to be there if he's not going to use that time for anything but standing in the shower?

Ok, so I've already mentioned I really like your premise. It feels like you can do some really cool worldbuilding stuff with this idea and I'm looking forward to see what characters you invent to come along for the ride. I'm immediately drawn to Marshall as your main character too, and I can see you could have some great story arcs with him.

I think for me the chapter is just a bit confusing. It's like you've had a whole lot of wonderful ideas at once and put them all down into one short section. I'm also interested to know whether this is the whole of chapter one or just part of it? If it's the former, chapters are generally a little bit longer (although this is your novel so you can do what you want ) and the ending feels a little abrupt. If it's just part one of chapter one though just ignore this comment!

For me, this just needs a little more thinking through. The first chapter of anything is impossibly difficult to write though, and I find that it's much easier to come back and edit once you've got a few more chapters in place and a better idea of where the story is going.

So with that in mind let's revisit this beginning in a few chapter's time and see if it can be shaped a little more to help it be clearer to the reader.

I hope this helps you, and feel free to reply to this or shoot me a message if you have any questions

Have a great day!

Icy