Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Dramatic

16+

Six (but really seven) : Chapter 5

by Georgie


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

sloane kristiansen

Two days after the festival, Sloane still couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew. She shouldn’t have gone. She should have stood further away. And what was that with the strange mummy man?

If she could go back in time, she wouldn’t have gone.

If she could go back in time, Sloane would change so many things that had happened. She would have stopped Eli from going on that trip. She would have insisted her mother picked up dad at work. She probably would have even tried to stop the power outage from happening.

Sloane sighed.

She couldn’t get caught up in the past. No one could change that.

Someone bumped into her cart, quickly apologized, scooted over. Sloane leaned against the cart handle. What else did she need? Oranges, flour, eggs and salt.

The oranges were displayed in a big wooden box. Sloane picked out a few nice looking ones. She turned to go to the baking aisle, but froze.

A sense of dread washed over her.

Sloane had never been the most openly observant, but she always, always knew when something bad was about to happen. She’d felt that way before she slipped while camping and sprained her wrist. She’d felt that way before her pet dog got hit by a car. She’d felt that way when Eli signed up for the trip, and on the night her dad didn’t return from work, she’d been queasy with it.

What could possibly go wrong now? Sloane spun in a circle, looking for danger. Would it happen to her? A random shopper, a cashier?

Four security officers entered the produce section through an employee door.

The hair on the back of Sloane’s neck stood up as if she’d been shocked.

Whoever these men were, they were most certainly not security officers.

Sloane turned her cart away from them. She didn’t know who they were, why they were here, or what they planned to do. She couldn’t exactly do anything about it either. What, would she go up to the store manager and say ‘hey, I have absolutely no evidence beyond a hunch, but there are four dangerous guys in here!

Footsteps sped up behind her.

Sloane glanced over her shoulder. The security officers had increased their pace and turned directly towards her.

Shit.

Whoever they were, she had the feeling that she couldn’t let them catch her. They must know.

Right?

Sloane abandoned her cart and sped walked through the produce section. Someone shouted from another aisle. She broke out into a run.

Where was the nearest exit? This store was massive, more of a market really, and she’d only been in here once before. The front door surely wouldn’t do. There might be more people outside. Who were these guys? They had to know about her magic. There was simply no other reason for them to come after her. Ransom, maybe, but Sloane couldn’t actually be certain her mother would pay a ransom for her.

“Stop!”

Sloane sped up. Intermittent glances behind told her she was outpaced.

Okay, so she couldn’t run, she couldn’t hide, and the law almost certainly wouldn’t take her side.

There remained just one reasonable option. Reasonable?

It wasn’t really reasonable. Sloane found herself momentarily alone in an aisle. Was she really about to do this? Two security officers crashing out of the cereal section told her yes. She jerked her head, focused her mind, and sent a giant hanging sign reading Sandwiches! $8 down onto the pair.

Survival had never been so desperate that she had to use magic in public before. Now, every part of Sloane’s body and mind told her that she had to. These men were going to kill her if she didn’t. She hoped she wasn’t overreacting.

Attention shoppers,’ a voice came over the PA, ‘This is a safety emergency. Please exit the building calmly through the front entrance

Emergency! Sloane determined she might have a shot of getting out with everyone else.

She’d disguised herself with magic a few times before.

Never as someone else, though: it had been blending into a tree, some tall grass, a rock face. She concentrated now. Her whole body tingled. She had to look as average -and as different- as possible.

Ergo; man, tall, heavy, darker skin, baseball cap, a pair of glasses.

A glance in the dairy case door displayed moderate success. It would have to do. Sloane hurried away from the unconscious (dead?) sign men, towards the front door.

She joined the gathering crowd lining up to walk out the door. Shit, they were doing it one at a time. Anyone who’d ever been around a Mage would sniff her out. Where else could she go? The opposite door opened, and Sloane’s heart sank.

Rose Hitchcock and Effie McCarty -arguably the two most powerful Mages- walked into the store.

Sloane backed up, turned around, directly into a security officer. Her disguise fell. He looked surprised for a moment - just long enough for Sloane to turn back around and dash into the crowd. Maybe she could put up another disguise and blend in. Honestly, at this point, she’d try anything. The Mages were here. They must know.

People shouted and stumbled as Sloane wove through them. She had to get out of sight of the Mages, and the security officers.

Someone grabbed her wrist.

“Here, over here!” the man shouted back towards the entrance. Sloane desperately tugged to no avail. He was much bigger than her, and it looked like he worked out.

Fine, then. Sloane sent a jolt of electricity through her arm, numbing it, but making the man let go with a yelp. She turned to run again. The crowd had parted now. The security officers were weaving through towards her. Sloane dove to the ground between a few strangers. She put up a hasty disguise as she did so.

She changed the disguise again when she stood back up a few feet away. They didn’t have to be good, just different. People backed away from her. Shit. This wasn’t working.

Something hit Sloane’s shoulder, and she stumbled as a shock ran through her body. Taser. Her jacket hadn’t taken it all.

She ran into a stack of shopping baskets, tripped, tried to get up on the nearest thing, but discovered that the nearest thing was a fresh fish case, and she’d just put her hand in ice. She fell again, this time smacking her face solidly into the metal side of the refrigerated wall and instantly blacking out. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
298 Reviews


Points: 26490
Reviews: 298

Donate
Thu Jan 14, 2021 11:30 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hello! ^_^ I haven't read any previous installments, but I saw this in the Green Room and decided to check it out! c: I love how your title has the numbers 5,6, and 7 all in there xD I'm really curious as to what the title means! Also, if I say anything stupid, please feel free to disregard since I haven't read any other chapters xD

Two days after the festival, Sloane still couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew. She shouldn’t have gone. She should have stood further away. And what was that with the strange mummy man?


Okay so just by the first sentence, this makes me want to read the previous chapters <3 Very interesting start; definitely attention-catching, as I'm wondering what Sloane is talking about! Also, since this is the first sentence of a brand new chapter, I would personally clarify who the "he" is; I'm sure I would know if I read other parts, but it could be a nice, quick refresher in case readers forget c: just an opinion of mine!

If she could go back in time, she wouldn’t have gone.

If she could go back in time, Sloane would change so many things that had happened.


Personally, the repetition of "If she could go back in time..." lessens the impact of the first sentence that makes up its own paragraph

She couldn’t get caught up in the past. No one could change that.


Yup <3 i feel bad for her, because there are always so many "what-ifs" that run through your mind after a bad event/accident. but really, at the end of the day, you can't do anything about it

Someone bumped into her cart, quickly apologized, scooted over.


I would put an "and" in between "apologized" and "scooted." That person who bumped into the cart was probably me xD I'm always running into things lol

What could possibly go wrong now? Sloane spun in a circle, looking for danger. Would it happen to her? A random shopper, a cashier?


OOh omg, I'm nervous 0.0

They had to know about her magic. There was simply no other reason for them to come after her.


OHH SO Sloane can do magic omg that's amazing I'm jealous :O BUT AHH she better run! I wonder if she's the only "known magical human being," or if there are other magical presences?

She jerked her head, focused her mind, and sent a giant hanging sign reading Sandwiches! $8 down onto the pair.


Ahh okay, I love getting to read about what Sloane can do! And ouch, that must've hurt xD

‘Attention shoppers,’ a voice came over the PA, ‘This is a safety emergency. Please exit the building calmly through the front entrance’


How do they already know that a fight broke out? Was there a security cam in that particular spot or something? (also, I think you need some end punctuation :p)

Emergency! Sloane determined she might have a shot of getting out with everyone else.

She’d disguised herself with magic a few times before.

Never as someone else, though: it had been blending into a tree, some tall grass, a rock face. She concentrated now. Her whole body tingled. She had to look as average -and as different- as possible.


I noticed you do a lot of one sentence paragraphs. I love it when writers do this, but since you do it a lot, it kinda lessens the impact of them. I would personally make longer paragraphs and try to save the one liner paragraphs for just a few lines to really deliver that punch

Sloane hurried away from the unconscious (dead?) sign men, towards the front door.


I'm not really sure of the tone of your story since I just started reading, but (dead?), although funny cx, seemed a bit informal to me. Maybe, "Sloane hurried away from the unconscious, perhaps dead, sign men, towards the front door." But this is just a personal suggestion! ^_^

Rose Hitchcock and Effie McCarty -arguably the two most powerful Mages- walked into the store.


OOh so there are other magic peeps! Just a wording suggestion; since these guys are very powerful, perhaps you could use a stronger verb than "walked," like marched, strode, or some other synonyms

She ran into a stack of shopping baskets, tripped, tried to get up on the nearest thing, but discovered that the nearest thing was a fresh fish case


The black part is a little repetitive :p but uh-oh, sounds like our girl is cornered

She fell again, this time smacking her face solidly into the metal side of the refrigerated wall and instantly blacking out.


NOOOO CLIFFHANGER! Nice way of ending it -> it'll definitely attract readers to read your next episode! c:

Overall, my main suggestion for you would be to slow down and describe events more. For example, how did the atmosphere change when the Mages walked in? Was Sloane walking hurriedly through the store while she was shopping, or strolling? Did chaos erupt in the store after the PA announcement? I feel like the events jump from one thing to another, so it'd be nice if you could slow down and provide a bit more description! c: I'd love to know more about what the grocery store looked like and the overall setting and mood of this piece.

Other then that, I really enjoyed this chapter! I was on the edge of my seat, hoping Sloane wouldn't get caught during all of the action scenes. Also, I'm super interested to learn more about your world! Even while jumping in the middle, I still got a sense of what kind of a place Sloane lives in. You seemed to have set up your world meticulously, and I think this was a super nice chapter.

I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! :D




Georgie says...


Eek thank you so much! Yeah I'm not the most practiced in writing action sequences, so I will take these suggestions into careful consideration when I edit my chapters. :-) Thank yoooooooouuuuuuuuu



User avatar
1062 Reviews


Points: 120715
Reviews: 1062

Donate
Mon Jan 11, 2021 5:29 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a review again for chapter!!

First Impression: Hmm....well this chapter made things even more interesting. Looks like this poor girl is about to get arrested and then something bad might just end up happening to her. Oh dear...it is about to get quite interesting in the coming chapters isn't it?

Anyway let's get right to it,

Two days after the festival, Sloane still couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew. She shouldn’t have gone. She should have stood further away. And what was that with the strange mummy man?


Uh oh...

If she could go back in time, Sloane would change so many things that had happened. She would have stopped Eli from going on that trip. She would have insisted her mother picked up dad at work. She probably would have even tried to stop the power outage from happening.


Is that a flashback or has there been a timeskip and she's reflecting on what happened in that time? Its not terribly clear here.

She couldn’t get caught up in the past. No one could change that.

Someone bumped into her cart, quickly apologized, scooted over. Sloane leaned against the cart handle. What else did she need? Oranges, flour, eggs and salt.


Okay...so far it does appear to have been a flashback I suppose.

The oranges were displayed in a big wooden box. Sloane picked out a few nice looking ones. She turned to go to the baking aisle, but froze.

A sense of dread washed over her.


Well that doesn't seem like its going to be a good sign.

Sloane had never been the most openly observant, but she always, always knew when something bad was about to happen. She’d felt that way before she slipped while camping and sprained her wrist. She’d felt that way before her pet dog got hit by a car. She’d felt that way when Eli signed up for the trip, and on the night her dad didn’t return from work, she’d been queasy with it.


Well that seems like a handy skill to have.

Four security officers entered the produce section through an employee door.

The hair on the back of Sloane’s neck stood up as if she’d been shocked.

Whoever these men were, they were most certainly not security officers.


Looks like its about to get interesting.

Sloane turned her cart away from them. She didn’t know who they were, why they were here, or what they planned to do. She couldn’t exactly do anything about it either. What, would she go up to the store manager and say ‘hey, I have absolutely no evidence beyond a hunch, but there are four dangerous guys in here!’


Well you could get the heck out of there, that seems like it would be the smarter option.

Footsteps sped up behind her.

Sloane glanced over her shoulder. The security officers had increased their pace and turned directly towards her.

Shit.


Uh oh...

Whoever they were, she had the feeling that she couldn’t let them catch her. They must know.

Right?


Uh oh...I assume she's worried about being discovered as a mage.

Where was the nearest exit? This store was massive, more of a market really, and she’d only been in here once before. The front door surely wouldn’t do. There might be more people outside. Who were these guys? They had to know about her magic. There was simply no other reason for them to come after her. Ransom, maybe, but Sloane couldn’t actually be certain her mother would pay a ransom for her.


Well that does seem like a rather awkward predicament to be in...if your mother refuses to pay a ransom for you.

Okay, so she couldn’t run, she couldn’t hide, and the law almost certainly wouldn’t take her side.

There remained just one reasonable option. Reasonable?


I have feeling this option might involve fireballs.

It wasn’t really reasonable. Sloane found herself momentarily alone in an aisle. Was she really about to do this? Two security officers crashing out of the cereal section told her yes. She jerked her head, focused her mind, and sent a giant hanging sign reading Sandwiches! $8 down onto the pair.


Not fireballs but it certainly is magic...so yay me!!

Survival had never been so desperate that she had to use magic in public before. Now, every part of Sloane’s body and mind told her that she had to. These men were going to kill her if she didn’t. She hoped she wasn’t overreacting.


Ohh wouldn't it be fun if she was overreacting.

‘Attention shoppers,’ a voice came over the PA, ‘This is a safety emergency. Please exit the building calmly through the front entrance’

Emergency! Sloane determined she might have a shot of getting out with everyone else.

She’d disguised herself with magic a few times before.


Oooh, I like the way she thinks.

Ergo; man, tall, heavy, darker skin, baseball cap, a pair of glasses.

A glance in the dairy case door displayed moderate success. It would have to do. Sloane hurried away from the unconscious (dead?) sign men, towards the front door.


Rushed disguises should work fine in a crowd I suppose so that's a reasonable move I believe.

She joined the gathering crowd lining up to walk out the door. Shit, they were doing it one at a time. Anyone who’d ever been around a Mage would sniff her out. Where else could she go? The opposite door opened, and Sloane’s heart sank.

Rose Hitchcock and Effie McCarty -arguably the two most powerful Mages- walked into the store.


Oh yeah, this one is definitely not making it out of there without being detected.

Sloane backed up, turned around, directly into a security officer. Her disguise fell. He looked surprised for a moment - just long enough for Sloane to turn back around and dash into the crowd. Maybe she could put up another disguise and blend in. Honestly, at this point, she’d try anything. The Mages were here. They must know.


So did her disguise fail because she was startled, shocked, lost her concentration?

“Here, over here!” the man shouted back towards the entrance. Sloane desperately tugged to no avail. He was much bigger than her, and it looked like he worked out.


Well...that sounds like someone who wants to help.

Fine, then. Sloane sent a jolt of electricity through her arm, numbing it, but making the man let go with a yelp. She turned to run again. The crowd had parted now. The security officers were weaving through towards her. Sloane dove to the ground between a few strangers. She put up a hasty disguise as she did so.


Okay...so the man is not important...well...that was a twist.

Something hit Sloane’s shoulder, and she stumbled as a shock ran through her body. Taser. Her jacket hadn’t taken it all.


Oh she's definitely going down.

She ran into a stack of shopping baskets, tripped, tried to get up on the nearest thing, but discovered that the nearest thing was a fresh fish case, and she’d just put her hand in ice. She fell again, this time smacking her face solidly into the metal side of the refrigerated wall and instantly blacking out.


Uh oh...well...there ya go.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty cool little chapter. It looks like the main conflict of the story is finally starting to take shape. The action in this chapter I think was pretty well written too, its certainly felt like a fairly intense chase sequence and those are always nice.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Georgie says...


Ahh thanks so much! I'm always worried about action sequences that they're not well paced... too intense... not intense enough... too cliche. So it was nice to hear this one seemed alright. :-)




It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming