Six (but really eight) : Chapter 4

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to review Chapter four finally...let's see where the story has taken us this time.

First Impression: Well...this was quite a fun chapter. I believe we have met the bad guys here if I am not mistaken and it looks like there is quite a nefarious plan laid out here. This is starting to be quite an interesting story so far.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Admittedly, Julian had never been the most careful.

He lived each day with no regard for the next. No regard for the previous. Life was an adventure and Julian didn’t want or need a map.

Well that is an interesting way to live a life that's for sure...quite an introduction we have to our character so far.

Maybe he should have yesterday. Where was he? Oh yes - a dark rocky island floating in space. He didn’t know if this was really outer space. It sure looked like it. He didn’t know much about it. In fact, he might have thought it some strange hallucination, but he’d been mostly sober when he lost consciousness. Mostly.

Hmm...well this character certainly seems like he is the type to get himself into rather sticky situations, I have a feeling this will be entertaining.

No reply. Of course, how could he expect someone else to be on a floating rock with him anyway? It was cold here, and quite windy. He looked around.

The rocky ground had left indents in his skin - bare except for what appeared to be a thin hospital gown. He reached to his neck. All the necklaces were gone, too. Why?

That is definitely a very suspicious situation to be waking up in.

It might help if he could tell if it was actually real. As it stood, he could not. He’d had stranger dreams, and much stranger trips. It felt real at least. Painful. Cold. Lonely. Scary.

He could have tried the pinch test, I hear that is at least mildly effective with dreams.

“I suppose,” he said aloud, but quietly, “Stranger things have happened.” Had they? He stood up. Why would anyone want to trap him on a rock? What could they possibly stand to gain by isolating him in space? Magic, he thought. It made sense, and was really the only thing he could think of, if this was in fact real. Besides, there were easier targets for ransom. Targets who couldn’t shoot fireballs.

Well that was a fun way of informing us that Julian could shoot fireballs which is an awesome thing to be able to do by the way.

From behind Julian, there was a noise like a popping champagne bottle. He turned.

Oh.

Interesting.

People.

Not quite sure why those each had to be a separate paragraph, the three words in a line would have had the same effect, this just makes it look a little odd.

“Good evening, Mr. Kibideaux,” the taller one said. She looked scary, but strangely normal at the same time. He sort of expected the person who trapped him here to look weirder. But she wasn’t even wearing a cape or anything.

Hm...well that's a fun bit of humor that I wasn't expecting to run into but it is most certainly not unwelcome.

Well, it was like looking in a mirror. Literally. He looked exactly like Julian. Some sort of enchantment. But how? Obviously, the government didn’t know of everyone who had magic.

“Hi,” Julian said, staring at the doppelganger.

“Let’s keep this short. I am Fenteltop, and this is Henry. We’re going to use you to achieve our goals, you don’t have any say in the matter, and soon everyone you know and love will be dead.”

Oh...well if that isn't a statement that means the story is about to get quite serious then I don't know what is.

Julian blinked.

“Guess you won’t be killing many people, then,” he mumbled.

Well that was even more cryptic than his captors were, this should be interesting.

“

Excuse me?” Fenteltop raised her voice. What an odd name. Julian wondered if it was her given name, or a strange title she’d chosen herself.

“Nothing,” he replied with a smirk, “Please continue. What are your goals?”

Okay, well he's taking everything in stride as if he gets kidnapped on a regular basis.

“To rid the country of Mages with a capital M, abolish the current government, and create a utopia free of disease and crime. Your role will be to kill the other Mages and later, anyone I deem unworthy to live in this new civilization.”

Julian sneezed.

Well, isn't that plan a little bit ambitious....and unnecessarily evil...well I suppose it suits a villain quite well then.

“Sorry, excuse me. I’m a little confused.” He rubbed his nose. Fenteltop stared at him with pure malice. Honestly, what did she expect him to say? He would never kill anyone. He didn’t even eat meat. Fenteltop must know that if she was targeting the Mages.

Somehow I believe she has a found a way around that particular problem.

“Henry,” Fenteltop said loudly, “Bring forth the creature!”

Julian’s doppelganger nodded meekly, and pulled out what appeared to be a TV remote.

He pushed the largest button in it rather dramatically.

Now I can't stop imagining how someone might dramatically push a button.

“Henry, I said bring forth the creature.”

“I know, ma’am,” Henry replied, pressing the button repeatedly, “I’m trying. The button won’t work.”

Evil machinery malfunctions all the time now doesn't it?

Interesting. Was that really what Julian sounded like? Fenteltop sighed annoyedly. She snatched the remote and pressed the button herself, but when it didn’t work, her expression changed. She looked positively furious, but also strangely frightened.

“Henry, you did remember to seal the way, didn’t you?” she whispered in a strangled voice.

Okay...that sounded like a question that would lead to a serious of surprising and unfortunate events.

“Um. The thing is, I was in the middle of doing that when you started yelling at me for being late to the festival, so I never had time to finish it. I figured you were coming right back and it wouldn’t be a big deal, plus the creature was in the box and everything. So… Um, I guess the answer’s no.”

Yup, something bad is certainly going to happen soon.

Fenteltop blinked several times. She maintained eye contact with Julian the whole time.

“Mr. Kibideaux, we shall have to convene this meeting until further notice.

Well that's an interesting reason to postpone a kidnapping interrogating which is what I think was going on at the moment.

She turned, incited a frightened yelp when she grabbed Henry by the coat collar - Julian’s coat collar - and marched away.

They disappeared after a few paces.

Oooh...teleportation I assume.

For how strange her name was, Henry’s apparent incompetence, and the fact that if she killed everyone Julian knew and loved, only one person would die, he felt sick. He had to get out of here. He had to get home.

He couldn’t let anything happen to Marshall.

Now that's a lovely spot to end the paragraph, leaves us on the question of whether he is going to get out or not.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty fun chapter to read. There was a nice undercurrent of humor through the whole thing which was a nice touch and I think this could proved to be quite an interesting story like I said earlier. I think I will keep reading on.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello, first off, I just want to say that after reading this, I was compelled to read the previous chapters as well.
I'm enamoured by the world as a whole, the conflicts that are being set up, the different worldviews from the characters. It's all very interesting, and I am excited to see more of it.

It felt real at least. Painful. Cold. Lonely. Scary.

You have done well to convey the first three feelings, but the impression of it being scary had flown over my head so far. It might be worth adding more to the atmosphere of the environment that Julian currently finds himself in. Maybe some eerie sounds, or describing something specific about his gut feelings?

Oh.

Interesting.

People.

I'm assuming that these lines are the thoughts that are going through Julian's mind at that moment. It might be worth considering putting these in italics to differentiate them better from the other text.


Right now, I'm under the impression that the characters Fenteltop and Henry are a duo like Yzma and Kronk. This gets me in the mindset for what their antics will be like, but there may be additional ways that you can run with it to make them even more interesting. Do you know what their relationship is like? Is it purely contractual business (a promise of power for Henry, or maybe he'll be disposed of when no longer necessary), are they both like-minded people who share similar visions for what the world could be like (maybe there are some subtle differences in how they'd like things to be, which could be a source of conflict or tension between the two), was Henry forced into it in much the same way as Julian is being just now (this could open up to Henry being sympathetic towards Julian in the future)?