Tomatoism Spain’s New National Religion
MADRID, SPAIN—After years of dilemmas with the country’s national religion, Catholicism, His Majesty Juan Carlos I has decided to change Spain’s national religion to Tomatoism. All Catholics would be banished, or otherwise converted into Tomatoists, in a reenactment of the Spanish Inquisition.
“He had all the right to change our religion to Tomatoism,” said José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, Prime Minister and Head of Government. “After so many criticisms and attacks at our faith, it’s good that now the only thing the fingers can point at is a tomato.”
Tomatoism is the religion invented all throughout last year by Carlos. It follows three principles: one, that the tomato is the holiest object on the face of the planet; two, that tomato juice could be a substitute for water; and three, that human beings are like tomatoes. The latter is the most disputed. When asked by our reporters, the king answered: “The Tomato’s skin is the outer thoughts of a human beings, his actions and faults, something that could be easily peeled off and easy to swallow. The inside is watery and slimy, like all the deep feeling a human can experience.”
There will be no more Christmas or Easter in Spain: from now on, the most holy holiday will be on the last Wednesday of August. The Tomatina festival, where thousands of tourists flock to each year and run around naked around the streets of Buñol throwing millions of tomatoes at each other, will be the main event that Spaniards will be looking forward to throughout the entire year.
The official house of religion will be called a Tomatiti, where congergants will come together and pray on their knees to the all-mighty god, Mr. Tomato, in Spanish Sr. Tomato, or in the official langauge of Tomatoism, Tomatoish, Papa Pepperoni. The most important prayer of the day is every 11:00 AM, when the Tomatoists articulate the three most important words in the religion: “IT’S NOT TOMAHTO!”
We questioned some of the locals about the new decision. “In my view, Tomatoism is a great way to start a new peace era, especially since more and more people are disgusted by these ancient religions and decide to create an entire clan of Tomatoists”, said Estela Juliano, an ex-Catholic resident in Madrid. “We should have thought this up years ago!”
However, not everyone likes the new religion. Daniel Martin of Barcelona said, “It’s not surprising that the US would choose a new religion…but so disappointing! And outrageous! This is worse than anything that ever happened there. It’s even worse than Bush! I thought there was a freedom of religion in that country.” When reminded by our reporters that the country with the modern Inquisition is Spain, he was dumbfounded. A few hours later he leaped off the Cathedral of Barcelona. The Pope expressed the same anger and shock, but did not go to such measures. Instead of killing himself, he excommunicated the Spanish king and the Spanish people.
Tomatoism will be put into effect throughout the country on January 2, 2008.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
By the way... It's TOMORROW! Tomatina Festival, last Wednesday of August! WOOOHOOO! GET READY FOR SOME T-O-M-A-T-O P-A-R-T-Y!
HAAH. Good gracious, and I thought that was the most absurd of all the things in this story. ^_^
Yes, write more satire. You're a good writer in general.
And that is funny.
Should I seriously write more satires? Because satires were always hard for me to create, but that one came really easily...and I never thought I was good with humor...so yeah...
Another thing: I did not invent the Tomatina Festival! The reason why this came so naturally to me was because every last Wednesday in August, there is a festival in Bunol where people run around half-naked throwing millions of tomatoes at each other.
You would be sick of tomatoes after this.
*hums* I don't like your revisions. It shouldn't be half-naked, it should still be naked. And after "IT'S NOT TOMAHTO," you don't need the parenthesis bit. This is satire, the whole point is to be absurd, which this is.
And the edit in the second (or final) paragraph really clears things up well.
*still laughs*
Yes. Brilliant.
Awesome. Briliiantly written and hilarious. You should do a whole line of fake reviews. it would be interesting not to mention enjoyable.
Oh my.
The sad thing is, this actually reminds me of something. See, Jack started this religion years ago...
Very well written. Sounds like something that could be found in The Onion.
Wow! I must say, gadi, that my esteem of your writing capability (already exceedingly high) sky-rocketed after reading this. It is SO funny! My gosh, I think I'll have to show it to everyone I know! (just kidding, but definitely select members of the family)
Okay, I agree with misty, canislupis and kayles and have a few more things to add:
“After so many criticisms and attacks at our faith, it’s good that now the only thing the fingers could point at is a tomato.”
Can, not could in the end there.
Tomatoism is the religion invented all throughout last year by Carlos.
Sounds better (IMHO) to say "Tomatoism is the religion developed throughout the last year by Carlos."
I love the "IT'S NOT TOMAHTO!" but (i hate to say this) you may have to change it considering that Spain in a mostly Spanish-speaking country, and they wouldn't have the tomato/tomahto issue... just something to think about.
Other than that, it's practically perfect in every way!! Hehe. (I'm still laughing inwardly) so, keep up the great work!!
~Azila
hehehe, this was well written and hilarious. There are a few minor punctuational and grammatical errors, but nothing to serious. I was just reading that there actually IS a holiday in spain where people really DO through tomatoes at eachother for the fun of it. is that where you got the inspiration?
Anyway, back to the critique. I find that this could be mildly offensive to some people. (though it wasn't to me) however, I still think that it is extremely well done.
Love it! Completely hilarious and very original. In addition to Misty's notes, this passage was a little confusing to me:
“In my view, Tomatoism is a great way to start a new peace era, where religion is something you choose to have, not born with”, said Estela Juliano, an ex-Catholic resident in Madrid. “We should have thought this up years ago!”
Being banished or converting to Tomatoism - is that much of a choice? Quite trivial I know, but it got me.
Excellent work though!!
Ohmygoodness. *Dies laughing.* This is the epitome of good satire. My very favorite part, "IT'S NOT TOMAHTO!" This is written in such good review style, perfect emulation of a journalist, of interviews. You're so excellent at making fun of organized religion, it makes me laugh. This was so worth reading.
"In my view, Tomatoism is a great way to start a new peace era, where religion is something you choose to have, not born with”, said Estela Juliano, an ex-Catholic resident in Madrid. “We should have thought this up years ago!”"
It's pretty good satire of Catholicism. It's a laugh. But I thought that they couldn't choose it, they had to have it, in a reenactment of the Spanish Inquisition?
"The latter is the most disputed one."
Go ahead and axe the "one."
"The Tomatina festival, where thousands of people run around naked around the streets of Buñol throwing millions of tomatoes at each other, will be the main event that Spaniards will be looking forward to throughout the entire year."
I think this is the only part where you break reporter mode--the only part that's not believable. Just rephrase the "run around naked" part to make it sound more serious. Review-like. Still, Tomatina Festival? Brillaint. You're an utter laugh.
"The official house of religion will be called a Tomatiti, where congergants will come together and pray on their knees to the all-mighty god, Mr. Tomato, in Spanish Sr. Tomato, or in the official langauge of Tomatoism, Tomatoish, Papa Pepperoni"
Good. Lots of pretty words strung together. This is almost prose-like.
"It’s not surprising… But so disappointing! Outrageous! This is worse than anything ever! It’s even worse than Bush! I thought there was a freedom of religion in that country."
This doesn't make sense. I don't understand what you're saying with it. ^_^ Rephrase?
"When reminded by our reporters that the country with the modern Inquisition is Spain, he was dumbfounded"
This makes absolutely zero sense..again..rephrase?
__________________________________
In short, this is excellent. Well-researched, believable, and outrageous. I like *very* few things, and I'm one of the hardest people to please, but I like your writing. A lot.
A postscript...if you do review for review *smiles* review the new story in other fiction. Pleae don't dig up a four year old poem that's utter crap and makes me cringe to look at, you dork. ^_^
I love you anyway XD