Prologue
1999
The dogs were no longer barking. All twenty-three of them lay in their tiny cages, their noses dry, their eyes red. Their breaths were minute, soundless, arid. Their paws were scarlet with fever, their heart shrunken but ready to explode at any moment. The dogs knew their fate; they’ve watched miserably as ten of their dear brothers and sisters struggled with death, faded into inexistence, breath halted abruptly, skin crumbling on meat.
A silent yowl came from Joe, old, strong Joe, who had lived well after his tenth birthday, who had escaped death countless times. Yet he was powerless. He fell to his stomach, spit flowing from his mouth, and passed away.
The man walking down the corridor could hear a pandemonium of barks and scratches coming from the room he was about to enter. He liked dogs, but killing these ones would be crucial, and the job propelled onto him could be, perhaps, the most important he would ever perform. Already two humans died from the virus, and those dogs could endanger more than a thousand human lives. The syringes in his gloved palms were bursting with arsenic, all set to plunge into the dogs’ mutated bloodstream.
He wasn’t afraid of stepping in there; the heavy material that covered him from head to toe itched, so that not even the slightest drop from the dogs’ liquid could brush the hairs on his skin. Teeth not sharp enough to cut through the layers, claws too soft. He walked through three more sheltered halls before he reached the door.
The mayhem stopped when the man marched in. He gazed into the cages on both sides of him, and prepared to open the first one before he noticed that the dog inside was lifeless. Nevertheless, his superiors told him to inject the poison into each one, and so he stuck the needle in and pushed.
None of the dogs tried to fight. They were too shattered, too worn out to even raise their mitt, and it was a wonder that these dejected dogs could even bark as loud as they did only seconds before. Their fur was spread out all over the floor, and as the man killed each one of the dogs, the stone in his throat floated up and down. He tried not to look at the dogs' infected eyes when he injected them.
Once all the dogs were dead and the virus could only be passed by touching the bodies, the man exited the room, across three halls and then out to the corridor, before he could walk into the special cleansing room where they burned all the layers he had on and washed him thoroughly.
A day later, the man was in his bed, with his wife, sweat breaking out all over his body. The fever has gotten worse. That morning, the headaches started, and by sunset those headaches had invaded his mind. He moaned all the way to the hospital while she drove.
A week later he died from organ failure. His eyes were crimson, and the vomit on his shirt was tainted with blood. His fingers were crisp-yellow like old age, and his stomach was the color purple, as if someone has punched him. It was a horrible death, the nurse watched him as he rattled and yelled, vomiting, crying.
This case was forgotten. The dogs were written up on a piece of paper, stacked far away, the man’s death was remembered by his wife and doctors. But as the days, weeks, months, years passed, memories were brought up back from the dead. His wife, the nurse, the woman walking down the street: somewhere along the way, somebody touched someone else. Slowly, a string, a stiff string of demise, has begun to unravel.
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Is this science fiction? Because I plan to delve much more into emotion and personal objectives than this.
Thanks for critiquing!
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
This really grabbed me. It makes a good start. Pulling readers into the story with a mysterious begining can really make the difference. I am eager to read more.
But I think more emotion would be good. Maybe it isn't really that important, but I think the wife should have some reaction to show the horror of the disease.
this is promising =]
Stories about viruses and diseases are getting more populardue to global warming, as the changes will make things adapt, reslting in mutation and people are looking for something realistic, but not as likely to happen as global warming, that they can fear.
This sums up most of that =]
Is there going to be more?
Eva
I love stories with plagues and virises! Theres just so much you can do as far as a storyline goes. Well, I can say that this is a very strong piece and I enjoyed reading this. There were a few wording issues that the previous critiguers worked out, and other then that, it was really good. I wish there were more of these kind of stories on the site, but that can't really be helped.
-Joel-
This sentence seems a little long and with a lot of commas. I would suggest, A silent yowl came from Joe. Old, strong Joe, who had lived well after his tenth birthday and had escaped death countless times.
Again this paragraph is just one sentence, try breaking it up a little to make the reader feel like they're not running a marathon.
Overall that was an excellent piece of writing with a great plot that I would love to hear more from.
I love books like this where deseases brakes out or viruses!
Really good, feel sorry for the dogs though.
I liked and poor guy. I'll never do something like that.
Very interesting stuff, gadi! Unique, well described, perfectly intiguing. I do love plagues and pandemics. Very nice.
There are only a few places that need a little tweaking:
I would condsider separating this into two seperate sentences. How about: "A silent yowl came from Joe. Old, strong Joe, who had lived well after his tenth birthday, who had escaped death countless times." Better, neh?
Is this really the chemical used to put animals to sleep. I don't think so. Veternarians use pentobarbital, which is a barbiturate. Look it up on wikipedia.
Mitt? What the heck is a 'mitt'? Enlighten me.
'The dogs' liquid' sounds awkward and snobby. Use a word like 'spit' or 'urine'. It's more down to earth and less...verbose.
This is in present tense, yet the rest of your story is in past tense. Please, keep your tenses straight. Also, 'a stiff string of demise'? Personally, I think this is overkill and awkward. And a string? That's a strange word to use. Remember, your last sentence is the most pivotal one, next to the first. Make it perfect. Consider this: "Slowly, the situation began to unravel." Think about working with tha, bend it for your own style.
-Kylan
I didn't think Attack Of The Commas was a good name for this story until this paragraph. Keep it in mind.
This would be more effective for me if the reader didn't know from the beginning that it was 'organ failure' that caused the man's death.
The description is somewhat awkward, too. The second and third sentences both start with 'His *body parts* were *colour*', which just bothers me out of the repetition - it doesn't appear to be for emphasis.
'his stomach was the color purple, as if someone has punched him' Take out the words: 'the color', they're not necessary. Perhaps add an adjective, but 'the color' is empty rhetoric. Note the tense suggestion in the bold.
'crisp-yellow like old age' Seems like an abstract simile to me, it doesn't seem to flow properly...
Oooh. I like the feel of the last sentence (not the grammar), but I notice you've changed tenses like you did before. 'Has' instead of 'had' again.
Aww, shucks. No problem.
As to it being science fiction or not, I think it has the potential to have science fiction themes in it. So far I don't see anything pointing greatly in that direction. It could be set in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s or this year. Any time you can imagine with a hospital and twenty three caged dogs ready to be given a lethal needle. It might need a more fantastical edge, but entirely up to you if it's science fiction or not. It's just the prologue after all, so keep writing and find out.
I'd be happy to keep critiquing so long as you fulfill your plan of delving into the emotions and personal objectives of your characters. That = The S**t
Wow. This is a powerful piece, and brings to mind all sorts of things that could happen as a consequence of this one case.
This is a great story and I can't wait to read the next chapter. The plot of this chapter flowed well, and the events are ordered well, with a great amount of mystery shrouding the end of the chapter. Well done!
Just passing through...
I noticed this when I was glancing over at who was online...
Ten is one number, there can't really be a plural. I assume you meant "Teens"?
Hi Gadi. When I first read it, the piece reminds me of a bit of Resident Evil. Anyway, onto my critque.
I don't like having two halls like that. I think you should name the rooms. It works better.
Huh? It doesn't make sense.
When I was reading it, this sentence kinda broke the flow of the story somehow. I think you should try rewording it so that it fits.
Is the "now" really necessary?
Review:
A good read. The story flowed very well and it just clicks in my head. You described things very well. You did not included the gory details of the incident which is a good thing as it adds on to the vaccination of the dogs, creating this sci-fci feeling.
You could had shown some of the emotion and feelings of the characters. The game, Resident Evil 4 was immersely successful partly on the intruging ways that the characters dealt with the game's compelling storyline, both physically and emotionally. Showing what they felt allows the reader to share a connection with the story, making the devastation of the virus much more interesting and realistic.
I think you also told the reader a bit too much and it kinda spoils a bit of the surprise that are bond to follow.
Since this is a prologue, I'll leave it at that. Spend time adding to the emotion side of the story as it will make the story have much more depth. Also, cut down on the telling.
Overall, a job well done.