Our Song

Hey there, GG4560, and welcome to the Young Writers Society! I hope you're enjoying yourself here.

Since the title of this was 'Our Song', my mind got the idea to read this as a song. So actually, I was singing it in my head at times. And I couldn't get the 'tune' out of my head so I could read it like a normal poem! Haha. Have you considered laying this out as a song? That's something fun you could try, if you get a spare moment.

Lays a song we once sing
This is the only line that really bothers me. Since this is poetry, and there are no rules in poetry, you can refuse to listen to me. But please consider what I say. 'Lays' is the incorrect word, here. Lay could be used to 'lay a blanket', but if you're on the blanket, you 'lie' there. Therefore, the correct sentence would read 'lies a song...' And, 'sing' should really be in past tense, but it's up to you since you may have changed it for the rhyme.

Lays the love we both dare
Here is another case of lay vs lie.

They say love is a razor / But i call it a river / Flowing peacefully in slow motion / Until it reaches its destiny, the stunning ocean
This is my favourite part of the poem. I can agree with both metaphors; the razor and the river. Love can smooth away all the bad things, but it can also hurt you deeply. On the other hand, I agree that it goes slow at first, then suddenly- BAM! You're either head over heels in love or in grief.

Overall, I liked this. The emotions came across vividly and your language was easy to understand. Thank you for sharing.

Hello and welcome to YWS! My name is Ardently and I'll be your reviewer for tonight

You've chosen not to break your poem into stanzas so I'm going to go through a few lines at a time and discuss my thoughts.

/

(As cruel as distance can be

There's still love between you and me

Buried deep between two hearts that are beating

Lays a song we once sing)

Nice start. A little basic maybe, but it hooks the reader in and gives a sense of the tone of the poem.

/

(A song that holds grief

But also the love we believe

That buried deep between the two hearts that care

Lays the love we both dare

To achieve despite the loss

Despite the pain and chaos

Because we know that we can prevail

Even though all these times we'd failed)

This part is quite evocative, which I like. You have some good feelings of loss while also making it rather whimsical. I am quite biased towards poems that make me feel something, and in this case you've done just that.

(They say love is a razor

But i call it a river

Flowing peacefully in slow motion

Until it reaches its destiny, the stunning ocean)

This is my favourite bit of your entire poem. There's some nice imagery here, and some good metaphors. This is really that part in which I'd say you use the most poetic techniques, and you seem to have a good grasp of them. Not only my favourite bit, I'd say it's also the strongest part.

(Who says failing is a crime?

Don't they know that every beautiful ending needs time?)

This part confused me at first, because it felt a little disconnected from the rest of the poem. It's two beautiful lines that I also really like, but my first impression was that you had combined two poems together. Reading over again for my review it does fit in nicely now, but that wasn't fully clear it first. Some people might disagree with me though..

(No matter how many doubts i have my faith is still strong

Because every time i fear there is that song

That reminds me, no matter how cruel distance can be

There is still true love between you and me)

You end nicely with these last four lines. It's optimistic and hopeful, which I've mentioned other places that I really like in any piece of writing. It also echoes the first few lines, bringing it round full circle, which is something I quite like in poems and other short works.

In summary your poem flows nicely and was enjoyable to read. The rhyming is good. Your language choice is a little basic, but that sort of works with the style of your piece, and you use some nice evocative and descriptive words so I'm not really complaining about that. I would advise you to maybe break it into 2-4 stanzas, as while you chose not to, reading through I spotted a few places where it would've felt natural to break into a new stanza. Still, it does flow nicely even without that.

- Ardently