I always think that 2016 is my year. I thought i would be able to achieve my goals, to stop breaking my own promises, to create more friends, to be welcomed by everyone, to work harder in school. I was very optimistic toward this year......until it finally hits me in the face. I am still a loser, a weirdo, and an outcast. People are always going to pick me last no matter how good i am. I am just a girl who likes to read and write, and not good at math, science, or even talking. What's wrong if i don't talk? I mean seriously, guys, you never listen to me anyway. And most importantly, what is so weird about me? Is it because i LOVE writing? Or is it because i have a crush on a guy I've never talked to, who is on the other side of the planet, for two and a half years? You might find that weird, but i call that romantic, baby!
I put down my pen and and close my diary. I don't know what else to write, even though i feel like writing an entire novel now; and that is kind of scary. I look out my window and notice a crow staring back at me. I wave at it happily, and it cocked its head, probably thinking that i am crazy, which i am certainly not because waving at the crow is my way for saying i apologize for the fact that i am about to throw one of my shoes at you right this minute if you won't stop staring at me.
I pick up one my shoes and attempt to follow my plan, but lucky for the crow, my mom comes screeching to me down the hallway.
"Jenifer Aihara! You come out of your bedroom right now or i'll swear that i'll keep you lock up in there until you turn sixty! And i am NOT joking! You've been in there for eternity!"
I groan. It feels like thirty minutes that i am in here. I check my watch, and i have to admit that thirty minutes is not the case. Still, i yell back, "But mom! Its only four hours!"
"That is it, pack your stuff and go outside. You are going to spend some times out there, and you are not coming inside until i tell you so!"
The evil scent of doom envelop my bedroom and lingers there as i pack some stuff i need for any out door activities, like sketching a ladybug.As i climb down the stairs, my mom looks up at me, with a kitchen knife in her hand, which i hope is for the meat on the table. She looks fierce, worried, and beautiful at the same time.
"I am sorry i have to do this, but i don't want my daughter to be locked up all day in her bedroom. Seriously, Jenifer, and i don't really like saying this but you should go on a date or something," she says.
"With those guys? Oh my, you must be joking. I can't spend five minutes staying near them because honestly, they can't stand five minutes being close to me. Believe me mom, i tried," i explain. Sometimes, i think my mother only knows about thirty three percent of my life. I am not an ugly person, but i am a girl of every boy's nightmare, except maybe one. I start to walk toward the garage before my mom stops me.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"I need to get the tent. "
"Why?.....Wait a minute? You are going to camp outside and stay inside that tent all day? What are you thinking? And what is in that humongous bag?!"
Uh oh. I am trapped. Timidly, i open the bag for her revealing, a sleeping bag, a battery pact, my computer, phone, some pencils and note book, snacks, novels, and some of my stuff animals. I look at my mom and i nearly swear that i can see smoke coming out of her ears. And nose. Without saying anything, she takes them away, leaving me my phone and literally throws me outside, slamming the door at my face.
I pick myself up and look around. Now what am i going to do? My answer comes pretty quickly for perching o a branch is the same crow i saw at my window. It stares at me and flies away. Since i don't have much to do and i have tons of time, i decide to follow it. As i run after the crow, a few guys and girls stop to stare at me.
"Hey, Rabbit, why are you out of your cage? Going somewhere?" asks a guy on his bike.
"Yeah, Zootopia!"I yell back and continue running after the crow. After a while i stop and do a dramatic fall. Its like running a marathon; i'll never catch up with that bird. I close my eyes and hear a sound coming toward me. I instantly open my eyes and look around, hoping that my crush of my life is coming back. I know i sound stupid, but as you know, i don't come out of my room that often. But, looking at the man in front of me, i am willing to abandon my crush. The man, about six feet tall, is wearing some kind of tunic and a bow across his shoulder. He's tan and has very dark hair, like the feathers of a crow.
"Welcome back to the real world," he says. He has a really, really deep voice.
"Yeah i guess. But i think it depends on what real world means. Especially to you."
The man raise his eyebrows at me so i explain, "Well, my real world is the modern world, where kids dress in modern ways and carry guns instead of bows. What kind of world are you living in?"
"You'll know that soon. I am here to warn you. Tonight your life is going to change, so beware of it. The prophecy stated that six kids are going to be chosen today and since you are one of them, you must be prepared. I feel sorry for you. You're too young but you know, young people often die more than old people."
I stand still and slowly back away. It must be i am in the middle of a nightmare or someone is playing a prank on me because there is no way that i am outside for this long, in a unfamiliar place talking to a stranger that just told me i have death approaching me, possibly tonight. No way. I count from one through ten, not daring to look away from the man in case he tries to hurt me, and i run at eight. I run faster than before, but i can still hear a fluttering wings and a whoosh sound behind me. I run faster and the same crow i saw flies ahead of me and poop.Yeah, really funny.
Finally i reach my house and burst inside, calling for my mother.
"Jenifer! I told you not to come in until i told you so!"
"Mom! I met a stranger! Please believe me! He told me that i am going to die tonight!"
"What?! I must call the police then. Quick, the phone!"
"But mom! That man wears a tunic and has an ancient bow and arrows. He's not any normal murderer you might see."
My mom doesn't listen to me and continues dialing the police. "Yes? Hello, i think my daughter had met a serial killer!She told me that the man came out of nowhere and told her she's going to die tonight! Yes? No she hasn't told me yet." My mom turns to me, "Jenifer, where had you seen the man?"
"I dunno, i was just following a crow, and then boom, he's there! Its just like magic! Dark Magic!"
My mom opens her mouth in horror. "A crow. You saw a crow. And you follow it. Jenifer, when i was younger, having a crow near you or your window is a sign of death. It hasn't come anywhere near your room right? Tell me!"
"Yes. Yes it did."
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126,930 Literary Works • 672,943 Reviews
Hey there! This has been in the Green Room for a while, so I'm here to review.
I was very optimistic toward this year......until it finally hits me in the face.
It's cool how you put the diary entry in italics, it separated it really well from the actual story. The colloquial language of the entry is great, but your tenses got mixed up slightly in the above line. You start with past tense, and then suddenly say 'hits' which is present tense. You need to get rid of that S so that it makes sense.
I wave at it happily, and it cocked its head,
Here's another instance where tenses are muddled. You start with present, then flick back to past. Read through and try to keep to just one tense.
"That is it, pack your stuff and go outside. You are going to spend some times out there, and you are not coming inside until i tell you so!"
Your character's feelings toward other characters and the word in general are very well portrayed. I love the way she views her mum, especially with phrases like 'evil scent of doom' and 'smoke coming out of her ears'.
I have to admit, when she told her mum about the serial killer, I think her mum was a bit quick to believe her. It's perfectly clear that all this girl wants to do is sit inside with her computer, so wouldn't her mum think that was just a ploy to be allowed to do that? She can't be outside with a killer on the loose. That's just my opinion, but I suggest you add in a couple extra sentences where her mum is skeptical at first.
You've got an interesting story coming along, please continue writing!
Thanks a lot for the review! I'll try and work on it!
)
Hello.
First things first, grammar. There's a mix of capitalized and uncapitalized I's in here, which should all be capitalized. Prose doesn't have the looseness of poetry, where mixing capitalization is a technique in and of itself. In the diary entry, it's okay to have that mix— if the narrator would be the type to have a mix— but in the narration itself, there needs to be proper capitalization.
As for content, this suffers from a certain amount of "why should I care?" The thing about beginnings is, they have to give readers a reason to care. They have to introduce a series of questions or compelling reasons to keep reading, which extends beyond simply presenting emotions.
Right now, the diary entry doesn't feel all that realistic and just sets up the character as an extraordinarily average person (I don't know a single person who actually sticks with their "it's going to be my year!" thoughts)... I don't even have a time period for when this is, or context for what brought upon the realization. Those two things would help ground the entry into reality, but there's still more.
As of right now, there isn't any conflict in the first six paragraphs, and if you don't count premonitions, then there isn't any conflict until the end. There is a very interesting conflict in here of what happens when she goes outside, but that isn't hinted at. Readers are looking for either something strange, an incredibly compelling voice, or a conflict they care about in the first three paragraphs. We aren't getting it, if only because we lack context or a window into the MC's head. We get her diary, yes, and we get interaction with her mom, but we don't really get a context of who she is, if things have been weird her whole life, etc. Those sorts of things would help tremendously.
I'd suggest looking at beginning and character articles to get a better sense of how to introduce the concepts you've presented in here.
Because, as I'll reiterate, they are really interesting concepts! The execution just needs some work, and that will genuinely come with time as you ask yourself how they see the scene. The tricky part about first person is it's genuinely the character with minimal author voice, so there's a fine line to walk of "exactly how the character thinks" and "presented in such a way the reader isn't lost." But, that balance is possible to strike. It just takes a few drafts.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey