z

Young Writers Society



Death of the Last Petals

by GG4560


Chapter 1

Ava's POV

"This is tiring," I said, slumping further down my chair and stared at the dying jasmine in front of me.

It had been three months now that my script had been been rejected. Three months of being broke. Three months of...well, basically these three months suck. I scratched my hair and straightened up. There has to be a way to get out of this. I knew I could not survive on writing scripts especially if I did not know how to write a short story.

"Ugh...why are people so complicated?" I groaned, "And why do I have to choose to write about them for living? I can't handle real people, so how I can I handle the imaginary ones?"

Because you choose it, my inner self scolded, Because you are too egotistic to be a waiter or a normal worker at a store. Because you basically learned nothing in your twelve years of high school and four years of college. Because you take things for granted and you think it is easy to just write. Because you-

"Shut the hell up, Ava," I scolded my arms up high, "Like it is your fault those people don't understand creativity?!"

Yeah but you don't call the trash you were submitting creativity. You call it...well... trash.

I groaned, trying to drown the voice in my head. Maybe I could be better well off working as a librarian or a waiter or...no. Ava Kim doesn't quit.

You quit college a few moths ago.

Ava Kim is a hard worker. I am smart and I knew it. I could get anywhere using my wit because that is what smart people do.

You screamed at an injured cat yesterday, saying it was Voldemort reincarnated.

"It didn't have a nose," I snapped. Then, realizing I was talking to myself, I groaned and started jumping up and down on my chair. My screen suddenly went blank and I came face to face with my own reflection. My shoulder length hair was sticking in all directions, making it appear to have more volume than it already does. My hood of my hoodie was hanging awkwardly over my shoulder while my face looked like it had been dumped in a trash can and picked up again by a stray dog.

Trash. That is the word you are trying to find. You look like trash.

I bit my lips and stomped to the bathroom. My reflection greeted me and I opened my mouth in shock.

"I actually look sexy," I complimented myself, doing an infamous pose I had always seen on posters and advertisements. However, instead of me in a mini dress, three pounds of make up and a properly combed hair, I was looking back at the me who appeared to have just gotten away from a cat fight with some high school girls.

My phone buzzed and I immediately dropped my acts and checked the screen. There were many miss calls from my parents, probably asking how college was and if I needed money and a recent message from a few of my friends asking if I could go out. I groaned and stared at the ceiling. The thought of my parents brought a lump to my throat and my face to burn with shame. They didn't know about my drop out and I had been doing everything in my capability and my friends' capability to keep the information away from them. I knew instant death would come if I said I dropped out and was now a broke girl living off the few money earned from her previous books. Figuratively speaking. My parents loved me too much and I just didn't want to hurt them.

You coming? another text appeared from Yuri.

"Going out won't hurt," I told myself. Overall, I and Yuri never focused on spending much anyway. Mainly, we just focused on the fun rather than the price. The quality rather than the quantity.

It would hurt unless you drive, my inner self retorted. I eye rolled at myself in the mirror and walked into the shower. The intense heat of summer is killing me, despite the fact that I had spent all my life living in Cambodia. That was the main reason why I mostly spent my time in Phnom Penh and rarely went to visit my parents in the countryside. The bumpy road would stress my patience and the kids running aimlessly would freak me out, especially with my driving skills. On top of that, my parents would always made me go and work in the farm, something I enjoyed but feared at the same time. That was also the reason that scared me from telling the truth. I did not want to go back to the country side. I was a runner, currently running away from my past

Chapter Two

Ava's POV

With as much care and coordination I could muster, I veered my motorbike into the parking lot and parked my vehicle along with the rest of the bikes similar to mine. I tugged my helmet off and shook my head to shake off the stray strands of hair sticking to my face, earning me a few stares from the guys walking out if the cafe. Paying little to no attention to them, I straightened my demin jacket and looked around for the sign of a dark haired girl with big glasses. Unfortunately, there were a lot of girls with dark hair and big glasses today.

"Ava! Over here!"

Almost too quickly, I turned around and waved enthusiastically at my best friend who had just gotten out of her car and running towards me. Yuri was wearing black jeans and a simple, white, oversized t shirt tucked in at the front. Her long, wavy hair cascaded down her back, swaying slightly as she ran. She was a gorgeous piece of art and she knew it.

"So," she said as she stopped in front of me, eyeing my demin jeans and white crop top with admiration, "How is my beautiful girl?"

"Don't even ask," I grumbled, getting out of my bike and started walking with her towards the front door.

"Your story?"

"Still sucks."

Yuri didn't respond to my short, pessimistic answer. Instead, she blocked my path and placed her hands on my shoulders.

"Tell you what? Let us do coffee another time. Right now, why don't we go to the cinema and watch a horror movie and scream our guts out?"

I smiled brightly at the suggestion. Screaming. Horror movies. Now we're talking.

*****

"Excuse me, uncle, can you please scooch down a bit? You are kind of blocking my view."

The man in the front ignored me and sat up higher. I cursed, earning a giggle from Yuri. I bit my lips and looked around, sadly the seats were already taken, except the one next to mine; a human giraffe was also occupying the seat in front, so I still couldn't see if I moved.

"Excuse me," another voice poked in. I turned to Yuri who was standing with her hands on her hips, frowning at the man who was blocking my view.

"I think you are old enough to understand simple words. My friend here just said you were blocking her, and instead you tried to block her view even more. Would you like to change your posture for the sake of everyone's convenience or would you like to make a scene and get the three of us kicked out?"

The man suddenly stood up, causing everyone to become quiet. His eyes bore into Yuri's small ones while his arms are folded in an arrogant posture. Sensing danger, I immediately stood up as well, causing him to turn his gaze towards me and smirked. I tried to ignore the fact that Yuri and I were on the tip of our toes and we were still trying hard not to break our neck looking up at him.

"Well, it seems like kids nowadays have no respect for their elders," his voice boomed, as he continued to check me out.

"Respect is one thing, Pu," I replied, still using the term "Pu" meaning uncle to show respect to the man who was more than five years older than me, "But you can't afford us to show you respect when you can't show us a sliver of it. Just because we are younger, doesn't mean we have to act dumb to satisfy people like you."

A whistled came from the back row and I heard a male voice shouted, "You go sis!"

"Shut up, you were supposed to get popcorn you idiot," a female voice scolded.

"Sorry babe, but a good show doesn't require popcorn."

The female voice gasped as if offended. "How dare you say that! When we get home, we're going to have a full conference about this!"

The invisible couple continued to argue as the three of us turned our attention towards each other. The man was giving us death glares as he leaned closer, causing both of us to fall into our seats.

"Listen young ladies," he snarled, " I'm in a bad mood today, so if you value your lives, you should quiet down your peeping. I got a black belt."

I scoffed at his last sentence, "So? I got several in my closet. Some were hanging over my kitchen table."

His expression turned into shock as he stared at me, not appearing to believe a single word. I couldn't see what was so surprising about black belts. They were all over the market.

"I would advice you to sit down or just get out, Pu," another voice butted in, sounding quite amused, "The movie is about to start. And the staff is about to come to reprimand you."

I raised my eyebrows and stared at the guy sitting next to me. He was sitting cross-legged and his arms were draping over my seat while his face, covered by his hoodie, was directing at the screen. I could make out nothing besides the mob of bangs poking out from under the hood and his exposed arms from the rolled up sleeves. Though he looked relaxed, the muscles on his arms tensed and the veins were popping out, as if he was expecting a fight. The man, on the other hand, scoffed and sat down, the exact same posture he had before. However, he seemed to be taller than I remembered. I groaned and leaned back on my seat. The guy beside me was silent, but Yuri was shooting daggers toward the front.

"You wanna leave?" she asked.

"No. I could just hear the sound. I heard this movie is amazing."

"But-"

"I'm fine," I snapped, regretting my tone immediately. Yuri sighed and put her hand over me. I placed my popcorn on my lap and used my other hand to eat my popcorn. They better have high quality sound effects.

Chapter Three

Bot's Pov

I smirked proudly at the movie displayed on the screen. The first movie with me as a director. Occasionally, I would glance to my left and stared at the girl leaning over her friend's seat, trying to get a view. It saddened me to see that some people who had put a lot of interest in my own creation persevered so much just to catch a glimpse of it. I would have traded seats with her but I doubt she would be tall enough to overlook the guy in front either. If she had seen my face, I bet she would have more fun talking to me than listening to the movie. Overall, who wouldn't want to catch up with an old friend?

"Excuse me," I whispered as she sighed and leaned back against her seat. She didn't hear me and I didn't make an effort to try again, since my phone buzzed, displaying a message. The name of the person created a bitter taste in my mouth and I immediately closed my phone. I closed my eyes and leaned back against my chair, trying to enjoy the movie with Ava silently mumbling curses at the human giraffe in front of her. Seriously, the girl hadn't changed at all.

"Can you please be quiet?" I asked, clutching the side of her seat.

"Sorry," she mumbled, making me smile.

"Hey Yuri," I heard her whispered again, "I'll wait for you in the front, ok?"

After much rustling, Ava pushed past me and hobbled down the rows, her hair bouncing as she moved. My eyes trained on her as she rounded the corner and disappeared into the dark. I had intended to stay in my seat and catch any potential flaws in the first movie to make improvements in my second one. Overall, even though I was a successful director at such a young age,my knowledge of films was still limited. On top of this, I didn't intend to show my face in front of her right now, especially when I didn't know how to explain myself after disappearing without any words for five years. However, when my gaze shifted toward Ava's human giraffe, I saw him moved from his seat and headed towards the direction Ava had disappeared into. A bad feeling settled in my stomach as I watched him moved quietly out of my field of vision.

******

Ava's POV

The smell of popcorn immediately left me as I took a step out of the cinema. I squinted at the flower shop just in front of the building and checked for signs of incoming cars and motorbikes before hurrying towards the florist shop. My heart sailed the moment the smell of fresh flowers engulfed me, and I spun happily around, searching for my favorite ones to replace the dying Jasmine on my desk. I traced my fingers across each of the roses, lilies, and other flowers I couldn't name that was placed elegantly inside cute little pots decorated in traditional Cambodian style. The softness tickled the tips of my fingers and I giggled in delight.

"Ah, there, my favorite customer," sounded a female voice from behind. I didn't turn around, but my smile grew as I immediately know who the voice belonged to.

"Hey Auntie Lily," I greeted, smelling the Jasmine in front of me.

"You're coming back for Jasmines?" she asked.

I turned to her and nodded.

"Good, pick whatever you want,and like always, you can choose any flowers you like. You don't have to pay me."

I frowned. "But-"

"No buts. I have some business to attend to at the back of the shop. If you see any more customers, do me a favor and guided them through will you?"

I nodded as she disappeared behind the numerous rows of unique flowers. I gazed at her disappearing frame in adoration because even though we had met barely a year ago, Aunt Lily seemed to know me more than anyone else when it comes to flowers. She always said I reminded her of them, which I agreed only for the sake of discounts. I was about to grab the pot of jasmines dangling from one of the poles when a rough hand grabbed my shoulders and warm breath tickled my neck.

"Hey, sexy," it rumbled. My chest tightened and I held my breath. " Care to show me your black belts?"

Black belts. My eyes grew wide and I twisted around, my face coming several inches away from the human giraffe from the cinema. He was quite a handsome guy, but the scar running across his temple made him look more menacing than anyone I had ever came across. I glanced at his hands, which were snaking down my shoulders and onto my waist.

"Let me go you pervert," I snarled, trying to squirm away as he clutched onto my small waist. I opened my mouth to scream for help but he immediately placed his large hand over my mouth and dragged me behind the rows of lilies. My eyes watered, searching for any customers who happened to come into the store; there were none.

"You were quite brave back there, hon," he sneered, forcing me onto the ground and tucking a strand of hair away from my face. I whimpered and bit onto his palm hard, causing him to yell in pain and released me. Immediately, I scrambled away, kicking his most painful part in the process and crawled quickly around the corner. Giraffe screamed a series of curses and curled into a ball on the floor.

"Aunt Lily!" I screamed, trying to get up. However, a hand reached towards my hair, grabbed a fistful of it and pulled me back. I tried to scream again, but my head cracked against the floor ad my screamed morphed into a small whimper instead. Everything swirled around me and I felt nauseated. Giraffe cursed and slammed his fist against my stomach; any trace of sound disappeared and I could only stared hazily as he smirked and descended onto me, his hands reaching towards my chest. My vision went blank and the last thing I remembered was the smell of jasmines that had fallen during my struggle with the man.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2019 11:15 pm
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Hey GG4560,

Shady here with a review for you this fine review day, courtesy of the blue team. Let's get started...


Because you basically learned nothing in your twelve years of high school


Do you mean 12 years of high school?? Because she would be really old at this point if she spent 12 years in high school lol. Usually high school is just 9th-12th grade, with elementary and middle school being the 8 years before that.

~ ~ ~

Wow! This was quite an intense story!

I really like the cultural aspects you have woven into it, with the terms of respect/endearment and just in general. You do have quite a few grammatical mistakes littered throughout that you should be careful with if you decide to go through to edit this, but since this is probably a first draft I know now's not the time to be pointing those out.

I like the cliffhanger you leave off on. I am definitely anxious to know what happens to Ava next, and to see where you're taking this story. She's a relatable character in being insecure about her writing -- as I'm sure every one of us on this site can relate to at some point or another, and she is also generally likable.

Great start to your story! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




GG4560 says...


haha, i actually meant school, not highschool. and thank goodness you find some part interesting. Grateful for the review%uD83D%uDC99. thanks a lot.%uD83D%uDE0C



User avatar
453 Reviews


Points: 825
Reviews: 453

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2019 11:01 pm
View Likes
Lib wrote a review...



Hey GG!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight! I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right in now. I'll be commenting and critiquing along the way, so yeah.

Chapter 1

Because you choose it, my inner self scolded, Because you are too egotistic to be a waiter or a normal worker at a store.


The bold word doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, Ava's inner self is quite the rude one...

"Shut the hell up, Ava," I scolded my arms up high, "Like it is your fault those people don't understand creativity?!"


Comma in between the two bold words would work well.

Maybe I could be better well off working as a librarian or a waiter or...no.


How about writing would instead of could. It sound better - to me.

I am smart and I knew it.


You knew it? You don't know it? You should write know instead.

You screamed at an injured cat yesterday, saying it was Voldemort reincarnated.


XD

My screen suddenly went blank and I came face to face with my own reflection. My shoulder length hair was sticking in all directions, making it appear to have more volume than it already does. My hood of my hoodie was hanging awkwardly over my shoulder while my face looked like it had been dumped in a trash can and picked up again by a stray dog.


This description... XD I bet she doesn't look too bad!

There were many miss calls from my parents, probably asking how college was and if I needed money and a recent message from a few of my friends asking if I could go out. I groaned and stared at the ceiling.


Your parents care about you! Don't groan, girl! Also, the bold word needs to be missed.

I was a runner, currently running away from my past


You forgot the punctuation mark at the end.

Chapter 2

Paying little to no attention to them, I straightened my demin jacket and looked around for the sign of a dark haired girl with big glasses.


The bold word is supposed to be denim.

"So," she said as she stopped in front of me, eyeing my demin jeans and white crop top with admiration, "How is my beautiful girl?"


Same mistake as the previous one. The bold word is supposed to be denim.

"Respect is one thing, Pu," I replied, still using the term "Pu" meaning uncle to show respect to the man who was more than five years older than me, "But you can't afford us to show you respect when you can't show us a sliver of it. Just because we are younger, doesn't mean we have to act dumb to satisfy people like you."


GO, GIRL!!

A whistled came from the back row and I heard a male voice shouted, "You go sis!"


Copy-cat. That's what I said. Kinda. And, the bold word is supposed to be whistle. No need for the t at the end.

"Listen young ladies," he snarled, " I'm in a bad mood today, so if you value your lives, you should quiet down your peeping. I got a black belt."


DO I CARE? HECK NO.

I couldn't see what was so surprising about black belts. They were all over the market.


She doesn't know what he means... XD Lol.

"I would advice you to sit down or just get out, Pu,"


Advise. Not a c. An s.

Chapter 3

I closed my eyes and leaned back against my chair, trying to enjoy the movie with Ava silently mumbling curses at the human giraffe in front of her. Seriously, the girl hadn't changed at all.


Does he know her? How does he know her name? Am I the only one creeped out here!?

Overall, even though I was a successful director at such a young age,my knowledge of films was still limited.


Space after the comma. :)

However, when my gaze shifted toward Ava's human giraffe, I saw him moved from his seat and headed towards the direction Ava had disappeared into.


No need for the d in the bold word. Just move is fine.

I whimpered and bit onto his palm hard, causing him to yell in pain and released me.


Make the bold word, released, like this --> release.

Giraffe cursed and slammed his fist against my stomach; any trace of sound disappeared and I could only stared hazily as he smirked and descended onto me, his hands reaching towards my chest.
[/quote][/quote]

I love how she calls him Giraffe. XD And, stared, needs to be stare.

Alright, I'm done pointing things out. ;P I'd like to tell you how much I love this book so far. It's so good and I really want to see more from you! I know it was 2016 when you first came on here, but oh well. Also, if you do see this, can you tag me for the next part please? tHiS sEeMs So InTeReStInG!! Lol. I'm all done with my review.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. Hope this helped!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




GG4560 says...


Thanks a ton%uD83D%uDC99. I haven't posted a lot because of school and applications and stuff. But I'll try to post more since this is my last year of highschool and I don't think there will be much work as the previous years. I'm surprised you like it%uD83D%uDC99 and I feel very grateful for the review%uD83D%uDC99!



Lib says...


Not a problem! It was a delight reading your story. :D Please tag me for the next part!



GG4560 says...


of course



User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 1567
Reviews: 23

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2019 2:55 am
View Likes
Pomeroy wrote a review...



Hello hello! Pomeroy here to review your story.

CHAPTER ONE

I'm really enjoying it so far. I think your style is fun, and Ava's character makes me laugh. The way she talks to herself and reacts to situations make her comedic, but she also has a deeper emotional side that makes her a little more 3D, which is nice.

One question came to mind as I read the first chapter. You said she spent four years in college. Did she decide to drop out at the very end? Will you explain why she decided to drop out?

Aside from that, I have a couple of nitpicks here and there. I'll try not to overwhelm you with pointing them all out, so I do encourage you to read it over and make corrections as necessary! For starters, all throughout the two chapters, you tend to switch back and forth between present and past tense, sometimes within the same sentence! So as you're doing your own proofreader, just be on the lookout for that.

The following will just be a couple of typos or missing words and such!

"...so how I can I handle the imaginary ones?" I think maybe this meant to say, "so how do I think I can handle the imaginary ones?"

This is super nitpicky, but you said "twelve years of high school" when you only have four years of high school. If you just drop the "high" in the sentence, it'd be fine.

"Shut the hell up, Ava," I scolded my arms up high, "Like it is your fault those people don't understand creativity?!"
The structure of the bit between the dialogue makes it sound like she's scolding her arms.
Also, who is she referring to when she says "those people?"

"doing an infamous pose." I could be wrong, but I'm not sure "infamous" is the word you're looking for. That's when something is famous specifically for its bad quality? I think the sentence could do without the adjective all-together, personally.

CHAPTER TWO

This chapter seemed a little rushed due to the fact there were several more mistakes throughout than in the first chapter. But I still enjoyed it! The couple fighting was hilarious, I literally laughed out loud. And Yuri seems like such a cute character. Also when Ava mistakes "black belt" for just regular black belts, instead of the karate belts, that also made me laugh.

Is this all set in Cambodia then? I find that super interesting, not only because it's new to what I usually read, but also because I lived in Cambodia for about three months last year. I got so excited seeing that Ava lived there.

Just a couple of nitpicky corrections, but again, I wont overwhelm you with all of them. Just know they're there!

"I straightened my demin jacket." Denim is misspelled.

"A whistled came from the back row." Should be "A whistle"

"I would advice you to sit down" Should be "I would advise."

CHAPTER THREE

Oh geez, this chapter had me surprised, laughing, and then terrified for Ava! I'm very interested to know about this Bot character, and who exactly he was in Ava's life. Does he use an alias when directing movies, and that's why she didn't know he was the one that made the horror movie? Or did she know, and didn't say anything about it?

I'm sure Bot is going to save her from Giraffe, but I'm still so nervous for Ava! I loved the descriptions of the struggle, and her fear and such in the last couple of paragraphs.

Here's a couple of nitpicks from this chapter, but again, it isn't all of them.

"I heard her whispered again," should be "I heard her whisper again"

"I saw him moved from his seat" should be "I saw him move." The same mistake is in the sentence directly after this.

When Ava looks for "incoming traffic" it should be "oncoming." In the same paragraph, "I couldn't name that was placed." The "was" should be "were."

That's all I've got for you! Amazing story you have here, the descriptions and the characters are very fun, and I enjoyed reading it. I hope this extensive review was helpful, and isn't too overwhelming because of its size. Keep up the good writing!!

- Pom




GG4560 says...


I really appreciate your time in reviewing my story and I'm sorry for the confusion because I was actually writing this secretly in class.%uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02. Thanks a ton%uD83D%uDC99!




you ever say spidgit finner unironically?
— FireEyes