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Young Writers Society



Death of the Last Petals Chapters 4-5

by GG4560, Lib


Chapter 4

Bot's PoV

I had lost track of the man entirely and I cursed myself for lingering in my seat before coming out. I looked left and right as I exited the cinema and started to venture right, turning around as I walked to catch a glimpse of either Ava and the man.

"Think, Bot," I scolded myself, "If I were Ava, where would I go. If I were that kid..."

The thought made me glanced at the restaurant near the florist shop in front of the cinema. Of course, the restaurant. From what I could remember, the girl could eat like there was no tomorrow. I studied the interior through the glass door from afar and sighed in relief. There were a lot of people in there, so if she happened to go inside, she would probably be alright for the time being.

I rushed towards the steps of the restaurant but a crash made me stopped in the middle of the road. It wasn't loud, much more like the sound of a small pot breaking, but a muffled yell from the inside made me turned around and stared at the florist shop. From the outside, it looked peaceful and innocent with flowers dangling from the mini pots hanging around. However, the memory of the crash nudged me and I found myself rushing through the front door, waving through the hanging flower pots with my fists clenched. 

Suddenly, my foot landed on pieces of broken clay pots, creating a soft crunch. I frowned and stared down at the discarded Lilies and Jasmines on the floor. I looked up again, this time,straight ahead. Bile rose up in my throat when I saw Ava lying on the floor, jasmines and dirt tangling in her hair as she tried to scream again. I rushed toward her in full speed, but I wasn't fast enough to stop him as the man connected his fist on her stomach, causing her to gasp and whimper before falling completely silent.

"Ava!" I cried, causing the man to look up, startled. His hands were reaching for her chest and I growled at him. Without waiting for him to get up, I rushed towards him grabbed him by the collar and punched him with all my force. His body crashed onto the rows of Aloe Vera, and the pots rained down on him, causing a commotion in the entire store. I didn't wait for him to get up before I stepped on his wrist and grabbed his collar again.

"You messed with the wrong girl," I snarled and punched him. A crack erupted from his nose and he screamed in pain as put all my weight onto his wrist I was stepping on.

I heard another scream from behind me and turned to see a woman in her mid forties staring at us in shock. Her gaze quickly darted towards Ava, lying unconscious on the floor and she wailed, rushing towards the girl. 

Distracted, I couldn't see the oncoming blow from the man, but I could feel as his punched drove me away from him and sent me backwards, staggering across the floor. I felt my lips and winced. Damn it, he just ruined one of the best parts of my body. 

“Call the police,” I told the woman, my eyes never leaving the pervert.

He had gotten up, clutching his wrist. All I could see was disdain etching on his rather ugly face. He might have been handsome to others, but to me plastic surgery still wouldn’t cover the fact that he was ugly. Inside out.

“Wanna show me your black belt?” I smirked, remembering the conversation at the cinema.

He just sneered at me and spat. “You were the boy from the cinema. Who are you?”

“The boy from the cinema,” I simply replied, rising up and raising my fists in a fighting stance. However, his gaze wasn’t on me; they were trained on the woman who was talking on the phone. He cursed and tried to side stepped me, but I threw myself on him sending both of us onto the floor. He was a big man and I was surprised I was able topple him.

“You’ll regret this,” he snarled, throwing a punch on my face.

“I already did.” I grabbed him by the neck and tried to strangle him, but he was stronger than I had expected. With a grunt, he was on top of me. I didn’t even have time to brace myself before he started throwing punches. I felt a crack and a searing pain blocked all my senses, jerking me into the edge of consciousness. The bastard had broken my divine nose. Through my haziness and pain, I saw him drew his fist again, but as I closed my eyes and braced for the impact I heard a shattering of a breaking pot and sirens. I stared past the man and saw the florist standing over us, anger etched on her face as she watched the man’s eyes rolled backwards and fell sideways onto the floor.

“He’s not dead?” she asked, breathing heavily.

I just stared at her, ignoring my pain and broken nose. Couldn’t she have done that earlier? A few seconds later, I heard footsteps and voices coming inside the shop. The police had come, and like always, when it when it was a bit too late. I turned my attention to my childhood friend and I tried to get up. My head felt heavier than before and I swayed on my feet. Two young policemen came up to me and handcuffed the unconscious pervert while an older guy tried to ask me questions. I waved them off and shook my head,and the moment I looked down, I realized my shirt was stained red. Something wet trickled down my nostrils and landed silently on my shirt, adding more to the red stain. My heart beat faster as soon as I realized what it was. I looked up, but I couldn’t see anything besides hazy smudges of colors. Immediately, my eyes rolled backwards and I fell back onto the floor, smashing into more flower pots.

Chapter 5

Bot’s POV

“Dude, wake up!”

I groaned and tried to open my eyes. My arms hurt like hell and my nose felt stuffy. I made the mistake of rubbing it, and screamed in pain.

“Aw! What the-”

“Don’t say it,” a familiar voice warned.

Immediately, my best friend’s face appeared over me and I shrieked. Reaj’s face looked distraught, and he was wearing a pair of large, golden rimmed glasses which was currently hanging down his nostrils. His thick hair looked like it had been groomed by a puppy.

“Wow,” he muttered, rolling his eyes, “I had been so worried about you and the first thing you did was scream like a girl at the sight of me?”

I touched my nose gently and tried propping myself up. I frowned, realizing that I was at the hospital, my least favorite place.

“I need to get out of here,” I said, swinging my legs off the bed.

“Not so fast, my fans are standing behind the door. I don’t want to bring attention to myself,” Reaj argued, running his fingers through his messy hair.

I groaned again. Reaj and I had collaborated on the first movie, me as the director and him as the lead actor. Before our collaboration, no one really knew who he was, besides being a pretty face on social media, he was no one. How could one movie earn him such popularity?

“And…” he continued. I looked at him as I tried to straighten myself and flex my numb muscles. I glanced down at my hospital gown in distaste. Nice, one more thing to hate about the hospital.

“You know Mr.Han? The lead director of Cambodia, the one and only, the-”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. He is awesome but also a total show off. I hope I don’t have to meet him someday,” I said, glancing at the door. Sure enough, through the small glass section of the door, a couple of girls’ heads popped up, trying to see inside.

“Well, too bad. Because he kind of wants to meet you.”

I looked up at Reaj in disbelief. Han Vithu? Why on earth would he want to meet me? The look on Reaj’s face told me he was serious. There was only one thing that I could think of and it was not good. I was new to the film industry, a young director who had made number one on his movie in just one attempt. Other directors had to work their way into being recognized, but as for me, I earned the popularity as if it was already set for me. He probably wanted to question my luck or even asked to collaborate. I rubbed my forehead and stared at the door again. A thought occurred to me and I realized why I was here in the first place.

“Ava! Where is she? Is she still in here? What room is she in?” I asked, jerking Reaj’s shoulder.

“Whoa whoa whoa!” he exclaimed, stepping away from me, “Who is Ava? All I know is something happened between you and a rapist at a flower shop and you fainted. From what the nurses said, you have no major injuries and from what I know about you, you probably fainted from the sight of blood.”

I whacked him on the head and rushed to the door. Then, realizing that I was still in the hospital gown, I turned back and stared helplessly at Reaj. Unfortunately, I’m too proud to wear this and my pride caused me to choose between seeing my childhood friend and walking down the hospital corridor wearing a hospital gown.

“Couldn’t you wake me up before your paparazzi come?” I asked Reaj who was staring at me like I was the dumbest creature on earth.

“Dude, I care about your rest than my exposure to my fans.”

“And I care about her more than I care about my rest!”

Reaj narrowed his eyebrows at me and straightened his glasses. “Who is she?”

The question stunned me for no reason. I opened my mouth to say the words “childhood friend” but the words refused to come. She was more than that.

“Tell you what? Wait for me, I’ll get your clothes,” Reaj said.

I nodded and walked back to the bed. I sighed and looked down at my toes. Ava Kim. Wait for me, please.

*****

Reaj closed the door behind me with a sigh of relief, leaving the nurses to take care of the growing crowd outside. I, on the other hand, stood like a statue gazing at the girl lying asleep on the bed with two other girls sitting on each side. The first girl I recognized was from the cinema. She was cute but something told me she was more dangerous than she looked. The second girl was wearing an oversized shirt and shorts. I would have mistaken her for a boy if not for the curve of her chest and her thin, slender arms and fingers. Both of them turned to stare at us in shock as we stood there, not knowing what to do.

“OMG, Reaj!” the girl from the cinema exclaimed, rising up slowly and walking towards Reaj in awe, “It really is you!”

Reaj stared at her and backed away into the door. The other girl cleared her throat and walked toward me with her arms crossed, her face full of suspicion.

“Who are you?” She demanded.

“Riem Chan Noreakbot,” I introduced, “ And the guy your friend is fawning over right now is my best friend, Mon Vireakreaj. You can call us Bot and Reaj.”

Immediately, I felt a pair of hands clasped around my arm and looked down to see Reaj’s fan girl ogling her eyes at me. I stared at Reaj who was staring at the girl as if she was a snake ready to strike.

“I know you! The youngest, one of the most famous film director in Cambodia! I just watched your movie! It was out of this world… just like you,” she squealed as I smiled down politely at her. I swore I could feel goosebumps on every single part of my body. Immediately, her tone softened and she slurred, “ My name is Yuri. The tomboy right here is Nan.”

“Right,” I replied, looking at Nan’s disgusted face, “I came here for Ava.”

“You know her?” both girls exclaimed.

“Yeah, we went to the same highschool,” I replied, eyeing the sleeping girl. My eyes caught a slight movement and I frowned suspiciously. I untangled myself from Yuri and walked towards the bed and sat down, grasping onto her limp fingers. They twitched slightly in my grasp and I saw her lips pursed.

“Yeah, he saved her from the rapist. Quite amusing because he fainted like he was the one being raped,” Reaj volunteered. I glared at him, but he just raised his eyebrows and smirked. Immediately, Nan’s face softened and a look of gratefulness morphed into her eyes.

“Oh, you are the guy Aunt Lily talked about. She is the florist at the shop, and she wants to meet you in person to than you.  However she has business to attend.Thank you so much for saving my best friend,” she said.

I only nodded and tightened my grasp on Ava’s hand. I needed to confirm my suspicion and the look on her sleeping fast told me everything I needed to know.

“Well,”I announced, dropping her hand, “I just dropped by to seek refuge from the fan girls outside. Now that the security had taken care of them, I guess I’ll be on my way.”

“So you aren’t here to see her?” Yuri asked, eye raping me in the process.

“Why should I? She already caused me enough trouble,” I snapped. Without glancing back, I rose up and strode towards the door. I jerked the door open and placed my hands in my pocket as I stomped out.

“Hey!” I heard Reaj called, “That was fast….and mean.”

I bit my lip and stopped in my tracks. With an exasperated sigh, I raised my head toward the ceiling.

“Look man, you are an actor, you should catch on to it quite easily,” I mumbled.

“Catch on to what?”

“ The fact that she didn’t want to see me, you idiot.”

“Why?”

I looked straight ahead and gently touched my nose. My chest tightened at the thought, though I knew why she had done it. I had always thought five years would be enough to solve everything between the two of us, made us forget whatever happened in highschool. I guess the years had made things worse. I turned to Reaj and mumbled,

“ Because she was awake the entire time we were there.”


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557 Reviews


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Sun Sep 01, 2019 4:52 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello there! I thought I'd stop by and get this piece of the Green Room. It's long overdue for some reviewing!

1. OMG I get so excited every time I find a novel on this site that's set in an East Asian country. I know they aren't all the same, obviously, but there's just very little Asian rep on this site, so it's always really special to find something. Are you from Cambodia, or do you have family there, or did you just spend time there or do research?

2. As Moalex said, there are a number of grammatical errors in this piece. In the future, my advice would be to read your work aloud as you proofread. Your brain has a better idea of how English sounds than how it looks, so reading things aloud will usually help to find and fix issues of verb tense or pronoun disagreement.

3. There were a few things missing in the transition between the two scenes in chapter 5. I feel like we were missing the decision of where to go, first of all. And since these things don't seem like they take place too far apart from each other in location or time, it might not have been a bad idea to just narrate through the movement.

And then, while you did a fantastic job with the girls, we missed out entirely on what the courtyard looks and feels like. I know there's a statue, but I have no idea where, or the context that it is in.

These three things: the decision to move, the movement, and the establishment of a new setting, are crucial to a transition. Without them, it can be confusing or even jarring to change places in the middle of a chapter.

4. Whether it was on purpose or not, there's a kind of carelessness, or ignorance of repercussion, that lines Bot and Reaj's dialogue. They push a crowd that they're somewhat nonchalant about onto the nurses, don't think twice about paying for a hospital visit, and Bot seems like he's in the midst of realizing that he isn't entitled to... forgiveness? from Ava. And I think it's a really appropriate attitude for them to have, and a good starting place for interesting and worth while character development.

I could also be totally wrong about that, so I'm sorry if I was. It was just the impression I got.

Anyways, that's it from me! Until next time,
-Vento




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Sun Jul 14, 2019 12:22 am
Moalex wrote a review...



Hello there! Moalex here for a review. Since I'm 4-5 chapters in, I won't be going over anything that involve character development or story development, as I did not read your previous chapters. For the most part, I'll be giving my personal thoughts about your story.

First thing I want to go over is grammar. Three paragraphs in and I already spotted a bunch of mistakes. Proofread your story, and make those corrections. I'll provide some that I saw to make it easier to track down.

"The thought made me glanced at the restaurant," should be "glace." I understand that your story is based on past tense, but seeing as the point of view is in first person, the proper tense is present.

"made me stopped in the middle of the road" Same thing as above. "stop."

"but a muffled yell from the inside made me turned around and stared" Once more. "turn/stare."

That's all the small nitpicks I'll be helping you with. Now for my personal thoughts.

After reading your work, it's clear that English isn't your first language. That, or you just have not proofread your work because I continued to find a lot more mistakes. PM me if you would like someone to practice with.

Other than that, chapter 4-5 had my attention, and I probably would have been even more absorbed if I had read your chapter 1. There was an obvious bit of many genre's: humor, action, drama, all mixed into one. It was quite a read and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this work. Especially the last bit where Ava was awake the entire time. That honestly had me at the edge of my seat. Especially the small bit of info that helped me understand that they were childhood friends, and that Bot still had some form of attachment to Ava.

Very well done, I hope to see this story continue in the future!





More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes