Hi Hi! I saw this in the green room and remembered reading the other chapters, so I'm back for more!
Things I've mentioned in previous reviews apply here as well, like the slowing down and the adding more inner monologue (I'm going to get to that more in a second) and description. This chapter had more of a clear focus and I liked that you showed a negative aspect of his relationship and that some consequences of his decisions are starting to come into light.
I'm having a hard time caring about your MC. I don't personally find him to be very appealing. Now, I'm obviously just one opinion and I'm sure there are other people that would be able to connect with him or that would find what I feel are character flaws to be something else. It's also worth noting that people don't have to like your MC for it to be a good story (but it can help). In this chapter, starting off with him calling other women ugly and ranking them in order of their attractiveness didn't sit right with me. I also didn't appreciate that the "most attractive" woman is attractive because she has big boobs and that's it. I know that some men do think this way which is too bad (but that's another conversation...) and maybe that's his thought process because he's focused on Elizabeth and doesn't want to be thinking about other girls.
I have mixed feelings about the abuse you've shown in this chapter. I think it's super important to show abusive relationships in literature because way too many people are in abusive situations and we need awareness, support, and help. I don't think I've read any novels where the woman is the abuser, and I appreciate that you're showing that just because it happens, but I don't think it's talked about as much. I just hope that at some point the MC realizes that her possessiveness isn't cute or sexy and that it's abusive.
I was super excited to see all of the inner monologue at the end showing his "devil" and "angel" side. One little note - you don't need the quotation marks for his thoughts because this is firs person. I think I mentioned this in previous reviews, but since this is first person, he's narrating and the story is being told through his eyes. All narration is technically his thoughts and his thoughts are also part of the narration.
You two go out on really fun dates, she thinks you're awesome and she gives you really good head. You could never leave her," said the devil.
Are those really the only reasons he wants to stay with her? To me, those don't seem like the strongest reasons why he can never leave her. Why else does he like this girl? What is the pull?
I had to agree with the devil. I mean, I was a man.
I would like to see more of his thought process about why he ultimately goes with the "devil" side of himself. You showed both sides and each side had numerous reasons, and then he latches on to the devil because "he's a man". Why else is the devil's argument compelling to him? What is his pull to Elizabeth? What is he afraid will happen if he leaves her? What does he have to lose if he leaves her? What does he have to gain if he loses her? I think you could go a little deeper into his decision making process.
I would be curious to see more of his life outside of Elizabeth. His friends keep popping in, but I don't know much about them. I would be curious to see how his infatuation with Elizabeth is going to effect his friendships and other areas of his life, and now how his drug usage will do the same thing.
As always, let me know if you have any questions or if you want feedback about something I didn't already mention! Hope you keep working on this, and I'm sure I'll see you in the green room again soon
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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