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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Untitled 05

by Fullmetal13


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

The following evening, I was at my place. I told Elizabeth that I didn't want to go to any more parties that weekend, so I was just going to have a chill Sunday. I did end up going to my friend, Peter's house though. He was year older than me and had moved into his own place, so I liked going over there. We were just playing around on his playstation when he got a notification on his phone. "Dude, there are a couple girls coming over tonight so just don't be weird," he said.

"Sure, man whatever."

Three girls walked through his front door about ten minutes later. I didn't recognize any of them and I didn't care to learn their names.They were all pretty ugly except one. "We're here!" Exclaimed the ugliest one.

"Yeah, so where's the beer you promised, Peter?" Asked the second ugliest one.

"Fridge," he said nonchalantly.

I knew exactly what Peter was doing. He was going to sleep with one of them, and the other two were justher friends. I guess it wasn't the one who was actually attractive because the second ugliest one was all over him while she sat next to him on his couch.

The girl who was actually attractive sat next to me. She had plump lips, light brown skin, brown hair and brown eyes. Not going to lie though, the first thing that caught my attention was how big her boobs were. They were at least double d's. "Hi, I'm Sarah," she said.

"I'm, Ryan," I responded, whileshooting some dude in the face on the tv screen.

"How do you know Peter?" She asked.

"We went to school together."

I was being brief because I knew that Elizabeth didn't like me talking to other girls (obviously). I felt that Sarah kind of took the hint because her attempts to make conversation seemed to dwindle.

I was sitting there playing on Peter's playstation (say that 10x fast) when I noticed that my skin was starting to itch. It was light at first but as time went on it was getting worse and worse. As I itched, Peter laughed at me. "Damn bro, tweaking out much?" And that's when it hit me.

I really wanted more coke.

I messaged Elizabeth and told her that my skin was crawling and that I really felt like the cocaine we'd done was messing with me. She asked me where I was and I told her I was at Peter's house. She asked for the address and showed up a few minutes later. "Get in the fucking car!" She said, pissed off. I was confused at her tone but I was too preoccupied with my skin crawling to care.

I got in her car. "What the fuck do you think you're doing in a house with girls?" She yelled as she drove. She speed up and her hands gripped the wheal. I was starting to get scared.

"Slow down, Elizabeth!" I screamed.

"No you fucking pig!" She screamed. "You were fucking one of them weren't you!" She was going about 50 mph in a 30 mph zone. "Ryan I don't give a fuck!You think that you're going to cheat on me? I am the best you can fucking do, you're not going to get with anyone better."

"Baby, I know!" I pleaded. I had to calm her down so that she would slow the car down. "I didn't even know they were coming, Peter just picked me up and said we were going to play video games and then he invited them over," my voice was cracking at this point.

She slowed down to a stop and pulled over to the side of the road. "Why didn't you tell me that you were in a house full of girls, huh? I could've come to get you so you wouldn't be tempted to flirt with them which I bet you did."

"No babe, only one of them even tried to talk to me!" I tried to explain. "I didn't even really respond to her. I was just playing video games! I swear!"

Elizabeth slapped me across the face, harder than what I could've taken as a joke. She put her finger in my chest. "The next time I find out you're alone with girls without me, I will fucking kill you."

"Ok babe I won't. You're the only one that I want," I said with tears in my eyes.

"Look at you," she scoffed. "You're going to cry? Suck it up and be a man. I didn't even hit you that hard. I'm going to take you home," she started driving towards my place. "There's some coke in the glove compartment for you. I knew you'd start to get itchy so I bought a little extra."

"I'm not going to get addicted am I," I said, sounding super naive.

"No baby, you can stop at any time. We won't do itanymore once you're done with that little baggy," she replied. "Do you want to just grab some workout clothes and go to the gym? We can snort a little bit and then work out."

I agreed as she pulled into my driveway. I ran inside to go and get some workout clothes and as I rummaged, so many things were flashing through my minds. Why the hell was I putting up with this. Once again, the devil and the angel sat on my shoulders. "Dude, you gotta be a man, you can't let her think she hurt you with a sissy little slap like that! You two go out on really fun dates, she thinks you're awesome and she gives you really good head. You could never leave her," said the devil.

"She just assaulted you, just like your step-dad used to," said the angel. "Are you just going to take that? You need to leave her. Look what she has you doing! First it was the weed, on a school night nonetheless, and you've been consuming enough alcohol to turn your liver inside out. You've got to draw a line in the sand at the cocaine."

The devil jeered, "Don't listen to this pussy! The coke is fine, it just makes you party harder and we both know that it makes the sex better. You can take this girl to art museums and discuss politics with her. Shesplits the bill with you, she bought you those nice jordans for no reason at all and she's really nice to you most of the time. "

"Most of the time?" Scoffed the angel. "You mean when she's not being a bipolar bitch."

"Look, if she doesn't apologize, then I'd say something about it, but if she apologizes then don't make a big deal out of it," the devil said with a shrug.

I had to agree with the devil. I mean, I was a man. A slap from a girl wasn't supposed to hurt me or anything. It's not even like it really hurt, it just caught me off guard. Plus, it was cute that she was jealous I mean at least she cared about losing me. Even if she did overreact a bit, it showed that she cared. And as for the drugs, I could stop doing them at any time. They just enhanced the overall party experience. There was no real harm done.

With that, I picked out my gym clothes, headed back to her car. "I'm sorry for smacking you baby, but you shouldn't have been with those girls without me.I just got so angry, I promise it won't happen again," she said sweetly. "I guess I don't know my own strength, I mean those workouts you put me through must be working. I promise I won't get so jealous."

"It's ok sweetheart. At least you actually care about losing me," I smiled at her, leaned over to kiss her, and then, we drove to the gym.


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Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:04 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hi Hi! I saw this in the green room and remembered reading the other chapters, so I'm back for more! :D

Things I've mentioned in previous reviews apply here as well, like the slowing down and the adding more inner monologue (I'm going to get to that more in a second) and description. This chapter had more of a clear focus and I liked that you showed a negative aspect of his relationship and that some consequences of his decisions are starting to come into light.

I'm having a hard time caring about your MC. I don't personally find him to be very appealing. Now, I'm obviously just one opinion and I'm sure there are other people that would be able to connect with him or that would find what I feel are character flaws to be something else. It's also worth noting that people don't have to like your MC for it to be a good story (but it can help). In this chapter, starting off with him calling other women ugly and ranking them in order of their attractiveness didn't sit right with me. I also didn't appreciate that the "most attractive" woman is attractive because she has big boobs and that's it. I know that some men do think this way which is too bad (but that's another conversation...) and maybe that's his thought process because he's focused on Elizabeth and doesn't want to be thinking about other girls.

I have mixed feelings about the abuse you've shown in this chapter. I think it's super important to show abusive relationships in literature because way too many people are in abusive situations and we need awareness, support, and help. I don't think I've read any novels where the woman is the abuser, and I appreciate that you're showing that just because it happens, but I don't think it's talked about as much. I just hope that at some point the MC realizes that her possessiveness isn't cute or sexy and that it's abusive.

I was super excited to see all of the inner monologue at the end showing his "devil" and "angel" side. One little note - you don't need the quotation marks for his thoughts because this is firs person. I think I mentioned this in previous reviews, but since this is first person, he's narrating and the story is being told through his eyes. All narration is technically his thoughts and his thoughts are also part of the narration.

You two go out on really fun dates, she thinks you're awesome and she gives you really good head. You could never leave her," said the devil.

Are those really the only reasons he wants to stay with her? To me, those don't seem like the strongest reasons why he can never leave her. Why else does he like this girl? What is the pull?

I had to agree with the devil. I mean, I was a man.

I would like to see more of his thought process about why he ultimately goes with the "devil" side of himself. You showed both sides and each side had numerous reasons, and then he latches on to the devil because "he's a man". Why else is the devil's argument compelling to him? What is his pull to Elizabeth? What is he afraid will happen if he leaves her? What does he have to lose if he leaves her? What does he have to gain if he loses her? I think you could go a little deeper into his decision making process.

I would be curious to see more of his life outside of Elizabeth. His friends keep popping in, but I don't know much about them. I would be curious to see how his infatuation with Elizabeth is going to effect his friendships and other areas of his life, and now how his drug usage will do the same thing.

As always, let me know if you have any questions or if you want feedback about something I didn't already mention! Hope you keep working on this, and I'm sure I'll see you in the green room again soon :D




Fullmetal13 says...


untitled 06 is up :)



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Wed Jan 04, 2017 3:57 pm
Swavvy123 wrote a review...



Oh wow!
I must say, I think this is really good.
At first when I was reading it, I thought it would be like any other story. A dude in a house with a bunch of babes, nothing too spectacular. Then we got to the part with the girlfriend and I'm like "Wait, what?!" She's like his mother!
This creeped me out a little that she screamed and him and hit him and stuff but it also made me curious to read more. It's completely uncliched!
I also really like the bit with the angel and the devil. It seems so realistic and the word choice here is also very good. In my head it sounded like an actual conversation.
I honestly cannot find anything I don't like about it.
I really liked this
Keep it up





Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
— WeepingWisteria