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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Untitled 06

by Fullmetal13

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

(Again, this is a really rough draft. I'd appreciate reviews to be more focused on the content rather than the mechanics. Enjoy!)

After about a week of doing cocaine every single day, at least twice a day, I could see huge differences in my physique. I was lifting on a whole new level. My focus was at a high it had never been at before and my energy was finding peaks I didn't know existed. I was leaning out at a very noticeable rate. After two weeks on coke, I was starting to see cuts in my deltoids, and I was even forming a 6-pack. I could see chest striations that I didn't even know that I had and my upper chest was easily distinguished when I did bench press.

Daniel and I were lifting at our local gym after school. We were doing cable flies. A cable fly is when you bring two handles on opposite sides of a cable machine. It works out your inner chest and makes your pecs pop like corn. The striations in my chest looked like a zipper.

"Damn bro, have you been dieting or doing more cardio? You're leaning out really fast!" He said.

"Yeah man," I replied. "Elizabeth's been making me eat healthy, and we go on runs. The sex is also really good cardio."

He laughed. There was no way I was going to tell him that I was on coke. I was just going to keep doing it until I got really lean and then do my best to maintain my body. I mean, I didn't need it necessarily. I only did it so much because it helped me work out. I could stop at any time. That's what I thought, at least.

I know now that Elizabeth wouldn't have let me quit. She liked who I was when I was on coke. I was the hype. I was the man at every party after a bump. I made every party that I went to jump through the roof. She liked how fun and unreserved I was. She was dating the party god. I made Dionyses look like a bitch. I could take twice as many shots, I could beat anyone at beerpong and I could fuck her into submission. She wasn't going to let me give that up in exchange for my sobriety.

"Whatever you're doing man, keep it up," said Daniel.

I felt so good. I knew how good I looked. My deadlift max had gone up to 455 pounds, my bench max was up to 275 and my squat was at 425. I was the king of the weight room. My grandparents had even noticed how skinny I was getting and they praised it as well. Why would I stop? This drug had taken me from just being that muscular dude who would be the designated driver at a party, to being the party.

Elizabeth picked me up from the gym so that we could go out to dinner with her Aunt, Uncle and cousin. She took me home and I changed into a nicer button up and some jeans and we went back to her place. "What did I do to deserve such a sexy man?" She asked as she held my hand while driving.

"A beautiful girl deserves a sexy man," I said, beaming back at her.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I checked to see who it was.

It was Nicole.

Elizabeth looked over to see who it was and saw Nicole's profile picture in the messenger chat bubble. "What the fuck is she doing messaging you? I thought I told you to block her!" She said raising her voice.

"I did babe, she made a new facebook, I don't know why she's messaging me. I'll read you the message."

My heart sank. "I know you're doing coke. Denise told Jenny and told me. I can't believe you're a fucking tweaker. I can't wait to tell the whole school you fucking asshole. Once word gets out, you and your blonde bitch are going to be in so much trouble."

"What the fuck?" Said Elizabeth. "I'm going to beat that bitches ass!"

"Don't worry about it, babe. She can't do anything, it's not like she has any proof," I said calmly.

"I don't care, Ryan! She needs to keep her nose in her own fucking business!" She said, irately. "And why the fuck are you sticking up for her? You know what, we're going to discuss this in my room," she turned up her music and didn't say another word to me.

We pulled into her driveway and walked into her room. Her Aunt and Uncle weren't home from work yet. "Why are you sticking up for that bitch?" Demanded Elizabeth.

"I'm not babe, I'm just saying she doesn't have any proof so there's no reason to get yourself in trouble for fighting her," I said defensively.

Elizabeth backhanded me across the face, hard. I was stunned and it knocked me back a couple steps. I didn't know what the hell going on. Then she grabbed her hair straightener from her vanity and hit me upside the head with it. My ears rang as my body hit the floor. Then she kicked me in the stomach. "You go back to her, Ryan! She fucking cheated on you. Maybe, now I can see why! I can't believe you'd stick up for her over me. Go fuck yourself, and get the fuck out of my house!" She roared.

I got up and looked in her eyes. They were bloodshot, and she had obviously done some coke before she picked me up. I had to fight the urge to pop this bitch in the fucking mouth because of how furious I was. How dare she fucking hit me! Fuck her. I was done.

I stormed out of her house and started walking down the street. Peter only lived a mile or so from her house, so I'd just go there. My lip was starting to swell from her backhand and I could feel my head swelling from where she hit me with her hair straightener. I began crying as I walked. I was certain that we weren't going to be together after this. I loved her and this was how she treated me? And for what? Trying to save her from making a stupid decision?

Peter was taken aback by the look of my face when I got to his house. "Who beat you up?" He asked.

"Elizabeth," I said without even thinking of lying.

"What the fuck?" He said. "Get your ass in here." He went into his freezer and wrapped some ice in a towel for my head. "Why did she do this to you?" He asked.

"She saw that Nicole messaged me," I said. "Elizabeth said she was going to fight Nicole and I said that she shouldn't because she'd get in trouble. Then, Elizabeth accused me of defending her and when we got back to her house she backhanded me and hit me with her fucking straightener."

"Damn bro, did you cry?" He said snickering a little.

"Do you think this is funny?" I said, hurt. "She hit me dude."

"Yeah, but I mean, how much damage did she really cause? A little bump on the head and a little bloody lip? I'm sure she's just being crazy or something man. She's just a girl," he said. "You can't let people think that a girl is abusing you dude. You really think people are going to believe that a 120 pound girl is hitting you?"

"Yeah, I guess..." I said. "I mean what kind of a little bitch would I be if I actually got beat up by a girl?" I said snickering at myself a little bit.

"Did it even hurt?" He asked.

"I mean the straightener did. But I guess she just doesn't know how heavy it is," I replied.

Just then, we heard a car pull up outside. It was Elizabeth. She messaged me. "Baby, please come outside, I'm so sorry just please come talk to me."

I staired at her car through the window for a few seconds, told Peter that I had to go and that I was sorry for not staying long, and walked outside.

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1272 Reviews

Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

Sun Jan 29, 2017 10:07 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...

Hello. Haven't read pervious parts, just going off what I see here.

Blunt truth #1 : If there are glaring mechanical errors, they detract from the content. There are dialogue punctuation errors galore in here, which break suspension of disbelief. Here is an article to fix it. If having proper dialogue punctuation becomes habit, then there's less to proof and improve later.

Blunt truth #2 : mechanics and content, when it comes to characterization, overlap. A lot.

This is what I call a "note draft"— everything is roughly slapped into place, gotten out of the author's head... and as a result is difficult to relate to. It's all of the parts of the story without the emotions and without the... first-person-ness of a first person narrative. The narrator is watching his body change, not feeling it day by day, not getting jittery if the ritual is interrupted, not craving it.

We had a drug addiction narrative told to us. There isn't that sense of who he is, what he's feeling. We don't get the physical sense of a rush, of a ritual, of anything that makes up drug addiction. There's all the important pieces that act as a reference, that point to where the plot's going to go. But there isn't actually... a plot.

Right now, I can see a lot of events coming and I'm not feeling particularly invested in them, because everything is so surface level. I figure there's going to be an intervention and this will become either a cautionary tail tragedy or a heroic recovery story about overcoming addiction. There's the "addict who started for what they thought were good reasons and didn't sign up for addiction" archetype, the "oblivious friend" archetype, the "enabling girlfriend" archetype, and the "ex who got cheated on who starts a fight" archetype.

Archetypes aren't characters. Unless you dig in deep and really give us an understanding of who these people are, by giving us a genuine first person view that doesn't tip hands (lines like "so I thought" point to the developing addiction and are very stock, when something much more powerful would be actually showing the ritual and integration into daily life so there's some tension), readers will keep getting notes.

Notes are important to have. But they need to be fleshed out more after they're written down, otherwise everything falls flat.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.


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13 Reviews

Points: 1693
Reviews: 13

Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:33 pm
Morrigun wrote a review...

Heya there! So, I'm not certain what prompted you to write about this but it's a damned good idea and I like it! You asked for us to focus on content instead of mechanics, so I will do my lest to offer suggestions that could add to the quality of the essay. No promises though, this is a pretty damned good piece.

The opening to the essay is very nice, and as it stands I think it does well to introduce the scene. However, I think it would be cool to give a little more of an introduction to the character. That gives the reader a chance to connect with the main character, and to following events can leave more of an effect on them. I only say more about the main character because I assume that's the focus you wanted to have. If it wasn't disregard.

More could be added about the actual event of leaving the car and getting to the room. The one line that said they pulled into the driveway and then to the room, it's easy to miss and halfway through I got a little confused because while I had registered the sentence I hadn't given it much thought. I ended up confused as to why she had a hair straightener in the car, which of course is not what happens.

At the ending, perhaps it would feel fuller if you elaborated on the final events. We were given details of everything that happened to previous, and then in one sentence he went from talking about how she abused him to sitting in her car with her just like that. I assume there was inner turmoil, he probably debated going down, maybe his friend tried to convince him not to go talk to her and give her the satisfaction. These are events that would benefit the reader to know, keeping the whole story full so even if we don't hear what happens we get an ending rich with emotions and plot development.

This is all I really have to add. I know it isn't much but this really is a good piece and you deserve to have someone try to review it. XD Thank you so much for your work, and write on. :)

The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte